The Perfect Emotion (2 page)

C
HAPTER 1

The wind is fierce this evening and I crush my head into the top of my coat bracing myself against it.  I forgot my gloves and keep my hands encased around my body.  I love my campus and the city of Milwaukee, but I love it best in summer.  The lighted entrance to my dorm is within my steps now and I pick up the pace.  I throw my bag to the side to search for my I.D. while keeping up the pace.  Tears slide across my temples from the wind bashing against my face.  Just as I am about to reach the door to open it I hear a voice that I have longed for. 

“Katherine.”  The smoothness comes across even mixed with the wind.  I freeze, but don’t turn around.  I hold myself a little tighter as my breathing pattern races in a panic.  It’s the end of January and I’ve been able to avoid seeing him since school started.  I’ve convinced myself that he has moved on.  Of course, I am hoping that it isn’t the case, but I know that it would be best for him.  I continue to stand there with the wind whipping around me and my brain is in a state of panic mere moments from shutting down. I suck in a deep breath that burns all the way down and concentrate on returning to a calmer state.

“Please turn around,” he pleads, but I continue to stay frozen.  We remain in our stances for several moments and then I realize I need to make a decision.  He’s waiting on me.  I press my eyes closed tightly as the voice in my head lingers on the words
waiting for me
. Sigh.

“I can’t.” I throw over my shoulder without looking at him and run in through the doors racing towards the elevator. I throw myself into the empty elevator and slam myself against the back wall of it breathing heavy. I race down the hall towards my room and run to the window knowing that I should be able to see Reed walking away.

Looking out as I throw my hat off onto the floor I search for his silhouette.  I spot him almost instantly.  A light hum runs up from my cold toes to my spine causing me to shake a shiver off.  He walks away from my dorm with his head slumped and his hands in his pockets.  I stay poised at the windowsill wiping the fog off from my breath until I can no longer see him.  I bite down on the bottom corner of lip repeatedly
(some habits die hard
) and start to unbutton my coat.  After I hang it up in my closet I try to keep my knees from buckling under me.  Shaking, my breathing easily turns into hyperventilating.  Before I can calm myself I fall to the floor in my closet.  I repeat my mom’s words
take a deep breath, in and out, push all your other thoughts to the side
. That’s exactly what I do. Once I get my breathing to a calm state and have pushed all other thoughts aside except for breathing in and out I let the tears slide down my cheeks. I cry silently curled up on the floor of my closet. My breathing remains under control, but my mind swims with nothing else, but thoughts of Reed. I wrap my arms around me tightly holding onto my memories of Reed. The door flies open and I quickly try to rally myself upward.

“Kate, Kate … Are you back?” Maggie says and I can hear her drop her bag by her desk. She rounds the corner and sees me on the floor of my closet. I peek up at her with my knees pulled up into me and arms wrapped around them.

“Hi,” I say meekly knowing it’s too late to hide my tears.

“Shit. What happened?” She gets down next to me and puts her arm around my shoulders. Her purple furry slippers practically glow in the dark confines.

“I-I.”  A raspy whimper escapes me as my breathing starts picking up again. Maggie grips me tighter to her.

“Hey, hey it’s okay. Just tell me what happened sweetie.”

“I saw Reed, well, actually I heard him, but then I saw him, but only the back of him.”  My rambling is not really making any sense and I pause to draw in the oxygen my body needs. 

“Kate, what does that mean?  You’re not making sense.”  Maggie presses me for some clarity.  For a moment I just concentrate on my focused breathing before I talk again. Slowing I get myself into a calm state.

“I was coming back from class and just as I was about to open the doors to the dorm I heard him say my name. I couldn’t bring myself to turn around though and face him. Then he asked me to turn around, but I still couldn’t. I told him I couldn’t without looking at him and just ran in. Once I got up here I could see him walking away.”

“Okay.”  She makes a hmmph noise and pauses for a moment.  “I don’t want to push you, but why?  I just don’t understand.  He just wa—“ I cut her off as quickly as I can.

“Stop, please, just please I can’t hear about him. It’s too much. I can’t talk about it. I’ll talk about anything else just not about Reed. Please Mags.” I practically beg her. She’s quiet as she takes in my request. I know she talks to Reed, I suspect they have even become friends, but I can’t bear to hear details yet.

“Okay.”  She removes her hand from my shoulders and stands up.  Her hand reaches down for mine.  “Come on, let’s get you into something cozy.  That wind is awful.  Movie night?”  I grab her hand letting her help me up and realize I am already feeling reposed.

“Thanks,” I mumble as I head to my dresser to get out my fleece pajamas.  I head into the bathroom to change and freshen up.  As I’m splashing water on my face to get the soap off I think of what Reed’s eyes might have looked like with the wind whipping around him.  I wonder if they would be steely or crystal clear or sapphire. 

“Alright,
Knocked Up or Bridesmaids
?” Maggie asks through the door.

“Definitely
Bridesmaids
.”  I’m eager for uncontrollable laughter to take over and push my craving for Reed back under lock and key.

I probably should be feeling more defeated than I do right now, but I don’t.  The odds that she would turn from me and run were pretty high.  Although, it hurts just as much as the initial pain when she first left last semester I believe there is still a chance.  Honestly, if it hadn’t been for Maggie all this time I probably would have given up or at least that’s what I tell myself.  I’ve never ever felt anything like this for a girl, especially the one girl I should have, but then again that relationship revolved around games. The connection I feel for Katherine is like nothing else. I just hate that she’s pushed me out. I know she’s hurting and all I want to do is make it better for her, have her close to me… kiss her. God, the thought of her lips only makes me yearn for her even more. I’m patient though. Just like a leopard stalks its prey waiting for the right moment I will have to do the same.

Watching her run through her dorm doors and keeping my feet planted was more difficult than I could possibly imagine.  I desperately wanted to see her face, her eyes, they always tell me more than she’ll actually say.  I knew my time would come, but I had to pace my timing with her.  Pouncing on Kate will never work. 

I bit down at the inside of my cheek as the wind whipped at my face.  With my head down and my hands in my coat pockets I walked away wishing I had her with me.  Even though the pain hit heaviest in my chest my mind pushed me to focus on my next approach. 

I make my way up the porch steps to my house and pray that none of the guys or any others are hanging out.  I’m not in the mood.  The only one I’ve confided in other than Maggie is Matt.  Matt doesn’t completely get it, but since things have progressed with Quinn he understands a little more.  I honestly don’t give a fuck who understands though.  I want Kate and that’s not changing. 

When I open the door I’m relieved that no one is hanging around. Most of all I’m glad Reese is not here. Since school has started she tries to find ways to hang out around here. Once I’m upstairs I see Quinn lying on Matt’s bed. The bathroom door flies open and Matt comes out.

“Hey guys, what’s up?” I ask them.

“Nada,” Matt says, “No go?”  I just shake my head as I walk into my bedroom. 

Throwing my coat across my bed I shut my door at the same time.  I lay down thinking of her and wishing I could have thrown her over my shoulder and brought her back here.  I need to come up with a way to make her see me again.  A way to remind her of what we had will not just go away.  Then it hits me.  Tennis.  Tennis was the start of us.  It was how I got myself closer to her and where I got her to open up.

The light between the curtains starts to seep in under my eyelids pulling me from my sleep deprived night.  It’s been one of those nights where I am not sure if I slept at all. I curl myself up into a ball as a vision of Reed walking away in the dark windy night flits through my mind.  My heart pounds harder as my chest tightens and I straighten myself out immediately to take in some slow deep breaths.  In and out I repeat.  After I’ve calmed myself I look at the clock to see I have over an hour until my class starts.  I figure I must have slept a little because I never heard Maggie this morning before she left for her class.

I’ve showered, dried my hair and packed up with a skip in my heartbeat. I reach for the door and start to walk out when I see something directly in front of my door.  I back up and see a can of tennis balls with a note taped to the top.  My heart and pulse pick up in pace as I reach down to pick it up.  I take the note and unfold it.  It’s a small white piece of paper with a scroll at the top with the initials GRH.  I hold in a breath and then mumble out Grant Reed Harper.  His handwriting is messy typical guy handwriting, but there is still something unique about it.  My memory of the small note attached to the roses he gave me spikes my pulse. My hands shake as I hold the note and read the words aloud, knowing that the hallway is empty.