The Perfect Emotion (3 page)

I press the note to my chest and then bring it up to my nose hoping to smell his scent, but it doesn’t smell like anything I remember. Quickly, I walk back into my room and place the can of tennis balls on my desk.  The note I fold up again and tuck it into my jeans to keep close to me.  I know I will want to read it again later. My first instinct is that I’d love nothing more than to play a few games of tennis. Selfishly, I’ve missed the sport and the tension it releases in me. It’s been a form of therapy for me for years, but since back on campus I have deliberately avoided it afraid of seeing Reed…  Afraid I will have to open up to him and reveal just how selfish I had been. 
Selfish, greedy and needy.
 
While I know my feelings for Reed were… are more than that it’s been difficult to come to terms with this dark side of me. It was not fair to Reed. Kyle had pushed me into becoming a person I did not recognize at times. My absent mother had driven me into a weakened distant girl… But I allowed myself to be held captive by Kyle. These are my conclusions even if my therapist doesn’t necessarily agree with it all.  Stopping myself from settling in any deeper I blink my eyes clearing my thoughts and head out the door.

C
HAPTER 2

My last class of the day has finished and I decide to bundle up and head to the Union to the cafeteria for a late lunch before hitting the library.  The wind is still fierce, but the sun is shining brightly blinding me from the reflection off the snow.  I reach into my bag and grab out my sunglasses to ease my squinting.  My hair whips around my face making it difficult to keep focus on my destination.  Even with the distraction of getting to the Union my mind races back to seeing Reed and the tennis balls.  I’ve read the short note in all of my classes at least once.  My mind struggles with the choice I have to make.  Selfishly, I want to go if nothing more than to get lost in the game and just to be in Reed’s presence.  All this time I’ve wanted nothing more than him to be waiting for me and yet I can’t come to terms with what I did to him.  I’m sure he has words for me about what I did. 
How could he not?

Once I open the doors to the Union the wind picks up in the terminal until I get through the second set of doors.  Bracing myself tightly I mumble out a “shit that’s cold.”  I rub my arms over my coat and then breathe into my hands to try to thaw them.  Silently, I thank my mom for the three-quarter length North Face coat.  I head down the stairs straight for the coffee area and then for a bowl of chicken noodle soup. 

As I walk into the cafeteria I head over to our area that we usually consume and see Kelly, Derek and Quinn. Quinn waves at me with a bright smile.

“Hey guys,” I say as I pull out a chair next to Derek and sit across from Quinn. 

“Your cheeks look like red apples, the wind must still be wicked out there. I really hate this winter,” Quinn says with a pout on her face. I agree and then notice that Kelly and Derek are awfully quiet. Kelly’s posture looks distant as she carefully eats her soup. Her eyes have barely taken me in. Derek is sitting with his legs away from the table as if he might bolt any second.

“What’s with them?”  I mouth to Quinn.  I’m sure they can still hear me, but neither of them flinches. 

“Lover’s quarrel-,” Quinn mouths back to me.  Then before she can finish Derek stands up pushing his chair in and grabs his bag.

“Oh, hey Kate.”  I don’t respond.  Then his eyes flit over to Kelly who is staring into her soup swirling it absent-mindedly.  “I’ll see you later, Kel.  Bye.”  He turns around and Kelly lifts her eyes watching him walk out of the cafeteria.  

Once he is gone Kelly drops her face into her hands.  I start to get up to head over to her because I’m afraid she is crying, but then she releases her face and I see nothing, but frustration. 

“What happened?” I ask as Quinn rubs her back.

“My parents are coming up next week and I want him to come for dinner.  He is refusing.”

“What, why?” 

“I’ve been asking all week and he just told me now that he’s not ready for that. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to take that.”

“Oh sweetie, you know boys, he’s probably just scared of the bigger commitment that will mean-,“ I stop Quinn before she continues because this is not what Kelly needs to hear.

“Quinn.” Geez, I love that girl, but sometimes she may have primped her hair a little too much. “I’m sure that’s not it at all, Kel.  Maybe he is just nervous, ya know?”  I can see the tears pooling in Kelly’s eyes and I try as best as I can to make her feel better.  

“Will you talk to him?  Please.”  I look to see she is looking right at me.  She rubs the corners of her eyes to pick up the moisture that has leaked. 

“Me?”  I ask and she nods to confirm.  “What?  Why?”  Derek and I are close friends, but I don’t know how I could be of any help.  Lord knows that I am no expert in the relationship department. 

“Because he’ll listen to you.  You guys are close… he-he cares about you.”  I swallow and suck in my cheeks trying to push the thought of what she may be eluding to out. 

“That’s true Kate, maybe you can find out what’s really eating him,” Quinn offers and I scowl at her. 

“I’ll talk to him this weekend, but honestly I don’t think I’ll be of much help.  Kel, he adores you. I know that.”

“Thank you.”  Kelly mumbles and then stands to start packing up.  “I’m heading back.  I’ll see you later.”  As always, her posture remains in tack even though I can see she desperately wants to slouch into herself. 

After popping my ear buds out I stretch my arms upward and arch my back. Friday evenings are always the quietest and tonight is no different. I look at my phone to see I have a text from Maggie.

Dinner?
  Mags

It’s a little after six and I know I’ll be hungry soon.  Later I am meeting a few people from my accounting class to get ready for our test on Monday. 

Sure, Annex at 630? Kate

C U there. Mags

I arrive at the Annex and see Maggie sitting with Brandon at a high top.  My body feels stiff from the cold and windy walk over, but I start to unbundle myself.  Brandon raises his beer in hello to me and Maggie pulls out my stool. 

“Want to share some apps?”  Maggie asks as she studies my posture as if hoping it will reveal my mood.  I smile at her to let her know that I’m okay. 

“Yes, you pick a few.  I’m game for whatever.”  Maggie moves her stare to the menu and throws out a few suggestions and I agree to all of them.  Brandon also agrees and rubs Maggie’s back as he watches basketball on one of the TV’s. 

“You want to come out with us tonight?”  Hope is etched across her face.  Since I’ve been back I haven’t gone out.  I just don’t think I’m ready for it. 

“Nah, I’m meeting some people at the library in a bit to study for Monday’s test.”  I pause and then blurt out, “Reed left me a can of tennis balls and a note asking me to meet him at the courts tomorrow in front of our door.”  I bite down on the bottom corner of my lip nervously.  I seem to have gotten Brandon’s attention because he turns to look in my direction and raises his eyebrows. 

“Really?” 

“Yes.”  I pull out the note and show her.  “What do you think?”  Brandon watches our exchange carefully with quick glances at the game. 

“No, what do you think, Kate?”  She asks and I roll my eyes at her.  For good measure I stick my tongue out. 

“I’m not sure if I should go. I want to play though… as long as I don’t have to talk to him.”

“I think you should go. He’s-.”  I cut her off before she can finish reminding her that I don’t want to hear details about him yet.

“He’s a good guy, Kate. You should go.” Brandon offers flatly. This confirms that they have talked or developed a connection. I sit there quietly deep in my head when the food comes. Maggie pats my leg and gets me to look her way.

“Hey, don’t over think it.”  She smiles sweetly at me and passes me a plate. 

Its good advice and I push my thoughts to the back of my mind.  The three of us eat talking about nothing grand and then I pack up to head back over to the library. 

Studying at the library is productive and it’s now after ten.  As nice as getting into my bed sounds I dread where my mind will drift to.  I stand and Andy from accounting grabs my coat for me and helps me into it. 

“Are you hungry?” Andy asks with his studious face in place. I run my teeth across my bottom lip as I contemplate my answer.

“Um…”  This isn’t the first time he’s asked me to do something outside of class or studying.  I usually always have a good excuse.  It’s not that I don’t like him or enjoy his company I just don’t want to lead him in the wrong direction.  To his defense I may be reading into it more than necessary.

“It’s just a quick bite, Kate.  And it’s Friday night.”  He rolls his arm behind me to grab his own coat as the other two are already headed towards the exit. 

“Okay.” 

“Yeah?”  He raises his eyes in surprise and his glasses fall down the bridge of his nose slightly. 

“Yes.”  I smile at him and can’t help myself from letting a little laugh out. 

We grab our bags and start heading out.  The wind is still fierce making it difficult to talk.  Andy walks along side of me with his face pressed into his coat while I keep my arms wrapped around my waist.  He heads us to one of the late night fast food places next to McGee’s and I cringe wondering if Reed is in there.  Once we get close to McGee’s I feel my pulse race and lightheadedness wash over me.  I tell myself not to look in, but my eyes disobey me.  It’s too late and I can’t stop myself.  I slow my pace down and Andy moves in front of me leading the way.  My eyes shift through the groups in the bar and then at the back near the pool tables I see a familiar tall, muscular figure with dark brown hair standing with his back to where I am looking in from.  My breath hitches in my throat and I cough out the cold air that I sucked back in.  My eyes sting from the wind and the feeling that spreads through me as I remember how it felt to have Reed hold onto my pinky.  I blink quickly to try to take in as much of the vision I am able to grasp before we pass the bar.  As I am about to pass I see a couple of girls making their way to his side.  I wince and fight the urge to panic.