The Pirates! (7 page)

‘Look at that one,' said the pirate in green. ‘It's like a real medieval castle! Like we have in England!'

‘That one's shaped like a pyramid!'

‘And that one's shaped like a
pirate boat
!'

The pirates couldn't help but gawp at all the bright lights and the glamorous people walking down the strip. The prevalent fashion in Las Vegas appeared to be ten-gallon hats and handle-bar moustaches for the men and ‘almost bare' for the ladies.

The pirates all looked with big longing eyes at one of the glittering casinos. And then they all looked with big pleading eyes at their Captain. A few of them started to bounce up and down on the spot, which was always a sure sign that they were getting overexcited.

‘Please, Pirate Captain!' said the pirate with rickets.

‘
Please
,' said the pirate with gout.

‘We could get one of those almost bare ladies to blow on our dice with real lady breath,' said the pirate in red.

‘I heard it's impossible to lose when they do that!' said the pirate with a nut allergy.

‘Snake eyes!' shouted the albino pirate. He wasn't sure what it meant, but he wanted to join in.

The Pirate Captain sighed. ‘I suppose it wouldn't be the end of the world. And besides, let's not forget that last adventure we had in a casino,' he added, winking at his second-in-command. ‘There's always the chance that some bored millionaire type will offer me a fortune to let him spend one night with the pirate with a scarf.'

The pirates headed straight for the roulette table
¹⁵
, because it had a big shiny spinning wheel on it, and just like magpies pirates tend to find themselves drawn to shiny things.
¹⁶

The pirates tried to decide if it was best putting their doubloons on black or on red.
Half of the pirates argued that it was best to put them on black, because that was the colour of their sturdy pirate boots. And the other half thought it was best to put them on red, because that was the colour of blood, and they wanted to show that they were a murderous bunch. In the end they compromised and put their doubloons on the little green zero, because that was the colour of rolling fields back in England, and they were all feeling a little homesick.

Ten minutes later, having lost not only the emergency doubloons taped to the bottom of the teapot but also the teapot itself, the pirates were starting to think that perhaps the Pirate Captain had been right in the first place, and that maybe gambling wasn't so great after all. They decided to go and play on the slot machines with their last few pieces of eight.

‘I think it's obvious that table was rigged, Pirate Captain,' said the pirate in green.

‘And I didn't like the look of that croupier. Did you notice that he had no ear lobes? I remember hearing that's a sure sign of dishonesty in a man,' said the pirate with gout.

‘Don't be too disheartened, lads,' said the Pirate Captain. ‘After all, you're forgetting the actual reason we're here. We've come to put on a show!' To illustrate the point he did a little tap-dance while holding an imaginary cane, and in the process accidentally bumped into an elderly man who was sat at one of the slot machines a little way along. The man let out a muffled curse, and his leg clattered onto the floor.

‘Oh good grief! I've knocked your leg off! I'm so sorry!' said the Pirate Captain, stricken. ‘I don't know my own strength sometimes.'

It was then he noticed that the leg which was lying on the floor wasn't a normal-looking leg, but a chunk of glinting whalebone. He looked up to see a scowling face with a livid scar that he recognised as belonging to the friendly stranger from Nantucket docks.

‘Ahab! It is Ahab, isn't it?' said the Captain.

‘Pirate Captain,' said Ahab.

The Pirate Captain handed Ahab his leg back.

‘Thank you,' said Ahab, and then he rather joylessly turned back to the slot machine.

‘Fancy seeing you here! I thought you were off looking for that whale.'

Ahab turned a sullen eye on the Captain. ‘Aye, Pirate Captain. Ahab does not rest. Some of my whaler crew told me that the white fiend had been sighted here.'

‘Really? Here in the desert? Not the usual habitat, is it?'

‘He is a mighty devious beast, Captain.'

‘I suppose he must be,' said the Pirate Captain thoughtfully.

‘The men informed me that they had seen the whale entering into this very casino. Gambling is a filthy vice, as I'm sure you would agree, but one I find not in the least surprising from a creature so lacking in honest virtue.'

There was a sharp pinging sound from Ahab's slot machine, and a pile of shiny doubloons poured out onto the old whaler's lap. The Pirate Captain looked at them wistfully.

‘Ahab seems to have got three lemons,' said Ahab. He scooped up his winnings and heaved a weary sigh. ‘But what is money to me? Only cold revenge can soothe a soul such as mine.'

‘Yes, cold revenge sounds good. Or maybe you should go and take in a show,' suggested the Pirate Captain with a hopeful grin. ‘It just so happens that me and the lads here are planning on putting on a bit of a performance ourselves. I'm sure you'd enjoy it, and it may take your mind off the whaling for a while.'

‘I am sorry, Captain. I have no time for such things,' said Ahab, screwing his whalebone leg back into place and getting up from his stool. ‘And the beast appears to have given me the slip once more, so if you'll excuse me, Ahab must take his leave.'

And with a brisk nod of his well-weathered head, Ahab stalked out of the casino.

‘Are all your friends that dour, Captain?' asked the pirate with a hook for a hand as the pirates wandered back to the
Lovely Emma
.

‘Only the ones racked with eternal torment,' explained the Captain. ‘The rest are pretty frivolous.'

The pirates quickly busied themselves making a little stage out of some barrels and planks of wood from the boat's lumber room. They used one of her sails to make a theatrical curtain and put out deckchairs at the front for the audience. Meanwhile the Pirate Captain locked himself up in his office with a broad selection of coloured pens, scissors and glue. When he eventually came out he was looking pretty pleased with himself. He unfurled a huge banner:

‘What do you think, lads?'

‘I like the alliteration, Pirate Captain,' said the pirate with a scarf.

‘Yes,' said the Pirate Captain proudly. ‘I thought of doing it with Ks – you know,
Kavalcade of Kutlass Kapers. But then I thought that might be a bit much.'

‘I can see that,' said the pirate with a scarf. ‘Are you really going to knock out a ferocious lion?'

‘Not as such. Well,
no
. I might have been embellishing.'

After the pirates had hung the banner over the back of the
Lovely Emma
and had gone round the dusty little town handing out a few flyers, the Pirate Captain decided it was time to rehearse.

‘Right, lads, let's get this show on the road! I thought we'd start by workshopping a few scenes – you know, to get a feel of our roles.'

‘Erm … I was just going to do a couple of shanties, to be honest,' said the pirate in green. ‘I was thinking educational for the matinee and a little more bawdy in the evening.'

‘That sounds good,' said the Pirate Captain. ‘What about you, Jennifer? How's the knife-throwing coming along?'

‘Oh, I've not really tried it yet,' said Jennifer airily. ‘But it can't be that hard, can it? It's only knifes after all. Just to be on the safe side, I thought I'd use the pirate with a peg-leg as my partner, seeing as he's already so used to losing bits and pieces.'

Jennifer smiled at the pirate with a peg-leg. The pirate with a peg-leg looked a bit miserable.

The pirate in green went round the audience with his hat to collect the night's takings. Just about all of Wild West life was there – millionaires, cowboys, native Americans, and even a few women of ill-repute. He knew that the people in Vegas had a bit of a reputation, so when he was collecting the doubloons he bit down on them, because he had seen people do this before, but he wasn't sure why, because all he could tell was that it made his fillings hurt.

Behind the curtain the Pirate Captain was doing a few stretching exercises and going over his lines.

‘Now. Do you think I should do the mosquito anecdote?'

‘I should say the shark anecdote is better, Captain,' replied the scarf-wearing pirate.

‘It occurred to me, as some sort of framing device, I might explain the story behind each of my scars.'

‘That's a good idea, Captain.'

‘This nasty one here? That's the time I had my BCG.'

‘Yes, Captain. I remember the nurse said you were very brave.'

‘I think the rest are all from slipping over in the bath.'

‘The ocean certainly is a rocky mistress.'

The scarf-wearing pirate gave the sassy pirate a nod, the sassy pirate tugged on a rope and up went the makeshift curtain.