The Pledge (18 page)

“Yeah,” Kaya said. “Who wouldn't want a gift?”

Andrea shrugged and handed a package to her. “I hope you like it,” she said. “You can all open them on the count of three.”

She counted, and we all ripped the boxes apart. Kaya was the first one to get hers open and she pulled out the slip of paper that was inside, read it and frowned. “What is this?” she asked.

By then, most of the other girls were staring at their gifts, too.

I looked at my slip of paper, which read “You've been given the gift of HIV,” and I'm sure I looked just as confused as most of the other girls.

“Is this some kind of joke?” Emily asked, tossing her long blond hair behind her back.

Kaya threw the paper toward Andrea. “I don't want this,” she said.

“Sure you do,” Andrea said. “Remember, you made a choice—you asked for it.” She turned to Lindsey. “You can open your gift now.”

Lindsey hesitated, but then curiosity got the best of her and she ripped the wrapping paper off her gift. Nestled inside the box was a card that read “You've been given the gift of AIDS.”

Lindsey made a face and dropped the box, looking at Andrea like she was crazy.

The room grew quiet as we all sat staring at Andrea, waiting for an explanation.

She looked each of us in the eye, took a deep breath, then began.

“From the time I was old enough to know what sex was, my mother always drummed it into my head to never have sex before marriage. She had me when she was sixteen, and my father was never around, and she didn't want me to get myself in the same predicament. Saving myself for marriage wasn't a big deal—until I got a boyfriend.”

A few of us girls looked at one another, knowing exactly what she meant. If someone had told me a year ago I would have been thinking about sleeping with Allen, I would have laughed at them. There was no doubt back then that I would still be a virgin on my wedding night, but meeting Allen had made me question that.

“Paul and I met when I was sixteen. He was a couple of years older, but when we were in high school together, he was the cutest guy at school—star quarterback. I was kind of quiet then, and I had secretly had a crush on him for years.” Her gaze landed on me, and as much as I wanted to, I couldn't look away. It sounded like she was talking about me and Allen.

“We started dating, and I knew I had found the love of my life. It wasn't until I went off to college that I decided to sleep with him. He was at a different school, and after it happened, he just stopped calling. I couldn't figure out what I had done wrong. I called him, and when I didn't hear from him, I got someone to drive me to his school, which was about two hours away. It took me most of the day to track him down, and when I did, he pretended he didn't know me.”

Tears filled my eyes, and my heart broke for Andrea.

“I went back to school, devastated, trying to understand what had changed. Paul told me he loved me, and I believed him, and I tried with everything in me to figure out how someone who said he loved me could just drop me like that. I became depressed, and I was barely able to drag myself to class each morning. I'd come home and just lie in bed.”

She sighed. “To make a long story short, a couple of weeks later I thought I had the flu, so I went to the student health center. They ran some tests, and a few days later I learned I was HIV positive.”

“What?” I whispered. “You're joking, right?”

“No, I'm not,” she said. “I've been HIV positive for about ten years. Now I've passed that gift on to you.”

The room grew silent as we took in what she had just said.

She smiled. “Luckily for you, it's not a real gift, but I hope I've made my point. I got HIV from one sexual encounter. If it can happen to me, it can happen to you. Did you realize girls your age, especially black girls, are contracting HIV at the highest rate?”

“Really?” someone said, and Andrea nodded.

“I know many of you are in this group because someone forced you to be here, but I hope I've made you realize how precious your virginity is. Even if you don't have it anymore, you can make a decision today not to sleep with anyone until you get married. Abstinence is the only way to make sure you don't get AIDS or any other sexually transmitted diseases.”

“You're just trying to scare us,” Emily said. She threw her box on the floor and stomped out and someone got up to go after her.

“No, let her go,” Andrea said. “Sometimes the truth scares people. She'll be back.”

We sat there taking in all we had learned.

“Are you going to die?” someone finally asked.

Andrea laughed. “I don't plan to anytime soon. Listen, I don't want you guys feeling sorry for me. I have a good life, and I've learned to live with my HIV status.”

“You don't look like you have it,” I said.

“How does someone with HIV look?” she asked curiously.

I shrugged. “Skinny and sick,” I finally said, realizing how silly it sounded.

“There are more people walking around with this disease than you realize. You can't tell just from looking at someone, and before you ask, you can't get it from hugging me. I just did that to prove a point. This disease is moving quickly. Like I said, black girls are the fastest growing population.”

“That's because there are a lot of gay girls now,” someone said.

Andrea shook her head. “It's black heterosexual girls who are getting it.”

“You mean guys are giving it to us?” Bree asked, her eyes huge.

Andrea nodded.

“How will I know if my boyfriend has it?” she asked, and I wondered if something was going on with her and Nathaniel.

“Ask him.”

“You can't ask someone something like that,” I said.

“But you can sleep with him?” Andrea asked, looking at me. “Many of you don't have any problems making a decision to have sex, even when you don't really know a guy, thinking all you need is a condom, but condoms aren't a hundred percent. My boyfriend and I used one.”

A few of the girls and I looked at each other, not believing that could be true.

“Does anyone have any more questions?” she asked.

“What made you decide to tell us?” someone asked.

“I saw a friend about to make a mistake, and I knew I couldn't keep this to myself. That's one of the problems with the black community.” She glanced around. “No offense to my girls of other races, but I have to talk about what I know. We want to keep stuff buried and not talk about it. You guys are living in a different time and experiencing things I never even imagined. It wouldn't be fair to you if I didn't tell you what was going on.”

“Thank you,” I said. I thought about the night before, and as crazy as it sounded, I was glad things had turned out the way they did. What if I had slept with Allen? I knew he had been with other girls, and obviously he hadn't used a condom because of the pregnancy rumors. It was also obvious he didn't love me, since he had made a bet to take my virginity and tried to rape me. I was more determined than ever to renew the pledge I had taken to save myself for marriage.

“Well, I guess we've had enough conversation for tonight. If any of you have questions, please call me,” she said as we started gathering our things. “Otherwise, I'll see you in two weeks.”

The first girl was just making her way out the door when Andrea dropped another bombshell. “Don't be surprised if your parents want to talk to you when you get home tonight. I called each of them and told them exactly what I just told you.”

“So
how was your meeting tonight?” Momma asked on the drive home.

“It was good,” I said.

“Anything happen you want to talk to me about?”

I sat looking out the window.

“Well?” she asked when I didn't say anything after a few seconds.

“Andrea is HIV positive,” I said softly.

“I know. I'm really sorry to hear it. When she told me earlier, I was so shocked I couldn't say anything. I thought about telling you, but I figured you should hear it from her.”

I just kept staring out the window.

When Momma swung into the parking lot of Ben and Jerry's, I looked up in surprise. “We need some girl time,” she said.

I got out of the car without a word and we went inside. After we had gotten our ice cream, we sat in the car, eating in silence.

“We should do this more often,” Momma said when she was done.

“No, we shouldn't,” I said. “There's no way I want to go back to the old Courtland.” I got a mental picture of me being fat, and shuddered.

“What was so wrong with the old Courtland?”

“I was fat,” I said. “No one liked me back then. Everybody thought I was stuck-up because I was too shy to say anything to anyone.”

“No one like who? Allen?” she said.

I nodded. “It wasn't just him. There were a lot of kids who wouldn't think of talking to me back then. Now we're friends.”

“Are you really?” Momma asked.

“Yeah,” I said, but suddenly I wasn't so sure. A lot of the kids I thought I was cool with really hadn't had much to say to me, especially after they found out Allen and I had broken up.

“What about Bree?” she asked. She saw someone she knew going into Ben and Jerry's and smiled, then turned back to me.

“Bree's always been my friend. She'll always be my friend,” I said.

“I think so, too, but what makes you say that?”

I shrugged. “She just has my back,” I said. “I can talk to her about anything, and I don't have to worry she's going to run and tell someone.”

“Do you think that's true of me?”

“Sometimes,” I said, not really wanting to hurt her feelings. “I talk to you about most things, but there are a few things I don't think you would understand.”

“Like what?” she said.

“I did sneak out to see Allen last night,” I said, not believing I had let the words come out.

I waited for Momma to start yelling and screaming, but she just calmly sat there. “Do you want to tell me what happened?”

I started replaying the night before in my mind, and it just became too much. The tears started gushing out.

“Oh, Courtland,” Momma said, reaching out to hug me. “What did you do?”

“What makes you think I did something?” I asked, pulling back to look at her.

“Why else would you be acting this way if you hadn't slept with him?” she said.

I laughed under my breath as I dried my tears with the sleeve of my shirt. “I don't know, Momma,” I said. I was suddenly glad she hadn't let me finish the story. Obviously she wasn't going to believe me anyway. She had already made up her mind that I had done something wrong.

She stared at me for a few seconds, but I refused to look at her. “Courtland, please talk to me,” she said. “I'm sorry for making assumptions. Tell me what happened. I can't help you if you don't tell me.”

“Nothing happened, Momma,” I said dryly.

“Are you sure?” she said.

“Positive. Can we go?”

She sighed and started the car. When we pulled into the driveway, I reached for the door handle, and she grabbed my arm. I jerked away from her, her touch reminding me of the time Allen had grabbed me.

“What's your problem?” she asked.

With everything in me I wanted to say “you,” but I knew if I did there was no way I would make it out of the car alive. “I'm just tired,” I said.

“Courtland, I know you might not think you can talk to me, but you can. If you won't open up to me, please talk to someone.”

“Okay, I'll talk to Aunt Dani,” I said, just to get her to stop talking.

I saw Momma shaking her head out of the corner of my eye. “I'd prefer you find someone else. How about Andrea?”

I looked at her. “Why can't I talk to Aunt Dani?”

“I just don't think she has the best judgment,” she said. “She's pretty immature for her age, and she hangs around too many men—at least she used to. I don't want her influencing you.”

“But she's your sister,” I said.

“We're half sisters,” she said. “Our mothers had totally different ways of parenting. You know your grandmother didn't play.”

I nodded and laughed. “I remember all those stories she used to tell about you getting into trouble while you were growing up. You spent a lot of time on punishment.”

Momma laughed and shook her head. “It wasn't punishment. I was getting my behind beat, and not just by my parents. Back then everybody could beat you—teachers, principals, neighbors, the drunk on the street. Then you'd get beat when you got home. I promised myself I would never do that to my own kids.”

“But you whipped me when I was younger,” I said.

“Yeah, that's true. You'll learn when you become a mother that you find yourself doing a lot of things you never thought you would do.”

“Does that include getting married?” I asked.

“Yeah, including marriage,” Momma said, sounding a little sad. “I always thought I would have this huge wedding. All my friends would be bridesmaids…. That wasn't meant to be.”

“Why not?” I asked.

“To be honest with you, it's because I didn't love myself enough. I loved your father, but he didn't want to get married, and instead of just walking away or demanding that he do right by me, I decided to settle for what he was willing to give.”

“Why don't you walk away now?” I asked, really wanting to know.

“You kids are a big part of it, but honestly, I love your father. For a while things were rough between us, but since the break-in, they've gotten much better. We have the relationship I've been praying for for years. He's going to church with us now, and he's even put in to have his shift changed so he can spend more time with us. He's attending AA, and I've been thinking maybe you, your sister and I should go to Al-Anon.”

“What's that?”

“It's a support group for the families of alcoholics.”

“You really think we should go?” I asked.

“I really do,” she said. “He wants to be involved in our lives now. We just have to let him.”

“I would like that,” I said, realizing I meant it. Daddy and I didn't have the relationship we once had, but it was better than it used to be.

“I would, too,” she said.

“So do you love yourself now?” I asked.

“I'm getting there,” she said without hesitation.

“So why don't you demand he marry you?”

She looked surprised at my question. “I guess I really hadn't thought about it. I'm so used to how things are, but you're right—you have to teach people how to treat you.”

“What does that mean?” I asked, wrinkling my nose.

“It means people will do to you what you allow. If someone curses at you and you don't say anything about it, they are going to curse at you again. If they hit you and you don't say anything, they'll hit you again. By not doing anything, you've taught them that what they're doing is acceptable.”

I thought about what she said and realized she was right. Although I had said something to Allen the first time he put his hands on me, when I had taken him back, I had taught him that I was willing to accept that type of behavior, which was why he kept getting worse and worse. I made up my mind right then it would never happen again.

“Do you love yourself?” Momma asked, staring at me.

“I'm getting there, too,” I said.

She looked like she wanted to say something, but she hesitated. “If there's anything I can do to help you get there, let me know.”

I nodded. “I will.”

“I love you, Courtland, and I'm really proud of you.”

“What have I done for you to be proud of?” I asked.

“You've always been a good kid. Now look at you. This time next year you'll be getting ready to graduate from high school.” Her eyes filled with tears. “It seems like just yesterday you were starting school.”

“Momma,” I whined. Every now and then she would get sentimental, and it normally didn't bother me, but with all that had happened over the last day, I couldn't deal with anything else so heavy.

I didn't even bother to change into my pajamas before I climbed into bed that night. When I woke up, the sun was shining bright, and I was shocked to see it was almost one o'clock in the afternoon.

I jumped up, thinking I was late for school, but then I remembered my suspension. I went to the bathroom and was headed downstairs to get something to eat when my cell phone beeped, indicating I had new messages.

Aunt Dani had surprised me with a new phone just like hers that allowed you to surf the Internet and do video e-mails because she said she couldn't have her niece walking around with a bootleg prepaid phone. It was nice, but I didn't think it was worth all the money she had paid. I mainly just used it for texting and checking my e-mail. She had paid the bill on the first couple of months, but then she told me I had to pay it. I was thinking about going back to my prepaid one because I couldn't afford the monthly bill.

I had ten voice messages when I checked.

“Courtland, we won,” Candy yelled into my voice mail. I could barely hear her for all the noise in the background.

“For real?” I said before I realized she wasn't really on the phone. I started jumping around, excited for my team, even if I couldn't be there. They'd flown to Orlando early that morning, and it looked like they weren't playing about handling their business.

We would be recognized as state champions for the next year, and as cheerleading co-captain, I couldn't help but be proud. There was a good chance I would be voted captain next year, since Candy was graduating, and our team would have major bragging rights. But the more I thought about the cheerleading squad, the more I was starting to question the idea of being a member of the squad at all next year. I had come to enjoy it, but I thought about what Momma had said about learning to love yourself. I realized in order to do that, I had to be true to myself, and truthfully, I wanted to play basketball.

I was only half listening to the next message when it started to play, and after hearing it I frowned and replayed it.

“Hey, baby, I was just calling to check on you—make sure you were okay after our argument the other day. I was hoping we could get together tonight.”

“I can't believe this boy had the nerve to call me,” I muttered, listening to Allen's message one more time. I tried to ignore the way his voice sent chills down my spine.

I listened to the other messages as I tried to figure out whether I should call him back. He had left three more messages, and in each one he sounded a little sadder.

He had also texted me a couple of times. I had just put down the phone when it rang. Before I could stop myself, I answered it, and I was relieved when I realized it wasn't Allen.

“Courtland,” a male voice said.

“Yes?”

“This is Miles.”

“Oh, hey,” I said to Aunt Dani's boyfriend. “How'd you get my number?”

“I had to sneak and get it out of your aunt's phone,” he said. “I hope you don't mind. I really need your help.”

“Okay,” I said. “What's up?”

“I want you to help me pick out an engagement ring for your aunt.”

“For real?” I squealed.

“Yeah. My boss and I are in town today. Can you go with me?”

“Sure,” I said, then I realized since I had been suspended from school, I probably wasn't supposed to leave the house. “Wait, I have to ask my momma. Can I call you back in a few minutes?”

“That's fine,” he said. He gave me his number and I quickly called Momma at work.

“Hey, Momma,” I said.

“Hey, baby. You sound like you're in a good mood.”

“I am. Miles just called and asked me to go with him to help pick out an engagement ring for Aunt Dani.”

“Why didn't he ask me?” she said, sounding hurt.

“Because you're old,” I joked.

“Ha, ha.”

“Can I go?” When she hesitated, I threw in, “Please, Momma. How often do people get engaged? This is the chance of a lifetime. I know I got suspended, and I promise when Miles and I get back, I'll stay in the house until you tell me I can come out.” I knew I was pushing it, but I really wanted to go.