The Power of the Herd (65 page)

I want to revisit Mongolian nomadic customs for yet another reason: to show how empathy plays an important role in balancing the predatory and non-predatory impulses of human tribe members. Unlike conventional carnivores, who prey on the young, Mongolian pastoralists refuse to eat herd members
less than one year of age (unlike “civilized” cultures, which consider lamb or veal a delicacy), nursing a sick or orphaned foal, lamb, or calf inside their own tents during the more fertile months of spring and summer (see
chapter 8
). These people name all of their animals, refusing to objectify them, considering them valued members of an interspecies tribe, to the point that their Buddhist-influenced beliefs entertain the possibility that reincarnation occurs across species lines. Mongolian herders subsist mostly on milk products, eating meat primarily during the winter. In this way, they live the principle of mutual aid through the respectful interspecies innovation known as “nomadic pastoralism.”

As a metaphor for taming our own inner lion in all aspects of life, we can temper our carnivorous instincts to not only treat other animals more humanely but also modify business practices that prey on objectified populations and future generations. The predatory side of human nature is especially useful, perhaps even essential, in culling those social institutions, behaviors, and beliefs that
need
to die a humane death so that everyone can survive the winter — and thrive during the spring, summer, and fall — allowing us to curtail rabid conquest and growth in favor of a cocreative, mutually beneficial balance with nature and neighboring tribes.

Other activities — such as setting strong boundaries with aggressive herd members, and leading, dominating, even fighting predators — can be incorporated with more skill and grace by adopting a horselike approach to power. As you increasingly avoid the four Stone Age Power Tools (see
chapter 12
) and incorporate the twelve guiding principles featured in this book, you will automatically be exercising nonpredatory leadership and social-intelligence skills.

It's also helpful when hiring a new staff member, employing the services of an expert, or electing a leader, to notice how often the various candidates employ predatory modes of thinking and behaving. Whenever possible, choose someone who exhibits power and expertise combined with nonpredatory tendencies, a simple way to lessen the common, though ironic, possibility that you will actually
pay
someone to become his or her prey.

Even so, it's important not to demonize those who've developed their inner lion at the expense of their inner horse. We are
taught
to use predatory forms of power, using the Stone Age Power Tools discussed in this book, as well as many other, more minor, antiquated interpersonal “weapons,” some of which you may begin to notice as you develop confidence in using nonpredatory power. A certain amount of patience — and cathedral thinking — is required to learn, master, and eventually teach others how to boost social intelligence and engage nonpredatory power.

In the meantime, many people respond well to animal metaphors and behavior patterns. The following chart offers a quick look at how these opposite yet interconnected power principles play out in nature:

A
t Apache Springs Ranch,
one crucial skill my colleagues and I were lacking could not be taught by horses or even inferred from their empowered, collaborative, emotionally agile behavior: the ability to have productive
conversations
on difficult topics.

As I mentioned earlier, the accomplished counselors on staff were just as confused as I was in handling potentially inflammatory work-related conflicts. Meetings designed to discuss professional disagreements could turn into “encounter groups” when we followed anything close to a therapy model (where people discuss their feelings, past traumas or difficulties, and habits related to family position, and so on), increasing anxiety and misunderstanding in the workplace.

In researching other options, I encountered the book
Coaching for Emotional Intelligence
by Bob Wall, an independent consultant specializing in leadership and team development. He offered a procedure for helping people
prepare
for difficult conversations, one that made a lot of sense to me. After doing some coaching work with him, I found this tool to be the missing link in handling interpersonal challenges efficiently and effectively. Bob was also intrigued by the equine-facilitated work we were doing. In 2008 he traveled to Apache Springs, offering workshops on difficult conversations and interpreting the sophisticated emotional-intelligence test the Simmons EQ Profile for some of our staff, leadership clients, and workshop participants. (I make it a practice to take this profile annually myself, assessing and, as a result, improving many previously unconscious habits and behaviors that compromised my
effectiveness as a leader.) Bob also participated in Epona's four-day
Pioneering Spirit: Leadership for the 21st Century
clinic. Based on his own surprisingly positive response to the horse work, he came back to help facilitate at one of these workshops.

Over time, I combined Bob's difficult-conversation format with Epona's practice of using emotions as information (Guiding Principle 1, in
chapter 13
), creating what has since become a procedure so effective that it now seems
the
obvious way to handle interpersonal as well as technical difficulties, not only in the workplace, but in personal relationships as well. I've used this procedure in negotiating disagreements with my husband, extended family, and friends with impressive results.

I suggest the following format, which is based on
Coaching for Emotional Intelligence,
for dealing with major challenges, as well as for offering daily feedback through short conversations that make a big difference in changing unproductive behaviors or reinforcing exemplary behaviors. (I highly recommend reading Bob's entire book for additional information on how to coach employees professionally in areas that managers normally shy away from: personality quirks, nonverbal cues, anger-management issues, and passive-aggressive behaviors, which can all affect everyone's ability to get the job done.)

Bob also believes that recognizing people for their daily accomplishments, teamwork, innovative ideas, and interpersonal expertise is as important as pulling someone aside to discuss unproductive behavior. In both cases, he emphasizes, the comments must be
specific
to be useful. This, of course, coincides with the practice of immediate positive feedback discussed in Guiding Principle 4, in
chapter 16
.

Acknowledging productive behavior is a simple yet incredibly effective way to make sure people keep doing what they may have stumbled upon accidentally, usually when they're in a generous mood. In this way, employees and colleagues alike become even more receptive to what you have to say when new challenges emerge. At the same time, briefly and specifically thanking people for doing something well sends them the message that you're
noticing everything they do,
which, I've realized over the years, is a positive way to discourage people from slipping into careless, selfish, undermining, or blatantly defiant behavior. Praising people makes them feel good, and it makes you feel good, too. Everyone's day is brighter when we acknowledge what is going right!

The following procedure, combining
Bob's “structured format for coaching”
with Eponaquest's emotions-as-information approach, is helpful in organizing your thoughts so that you can be clear and specific — rather than vague, inappropriately emotional, and shaming — about core issues that need significant adjustment or minor improvement. While I call this combined approach the “difficult conversation outline,” it can also be used to highlight performance, attitudes, and behavior that deserve appreciation and recognition.

1.
O
PENING
S
TATEMENT

“I want to talk to you about...”

•      Provide a succinct statement about the category of performance or general subject related to the conflict.

2.
O
BSERVATION

“I've observed...”

•      Describe performance or behavior.

•      Give details without judgment-oriented or shaming statements.

•      If you felt a strong emotion, use this as information and relay only the information, not the emotion. For instance, if you became angry, the discussion concerns boundaries. If you were frustrated, the subject involves a block that needs to be worked through. If you were afraid, address safety issues.

•      If you felt vulnerable, this involves change, experimentation, making mistakes, or having your own beliefs and habits questioned. The latter likely includes your heightened response to some personal issues or blind spots being revealed that may or may not relate to the work environment. Make sure you address with your employees or coworkers only what is related to the job at hand. Get private help in dealing with personal issues so they don't affect your future performance.

3.
I
MPACT

“The impact is...”

•      Describe the impact on the workplace, on getting the current job done well.

•       Again, leave out any references to your own personal past. That's for you to work on with a coach or therapist.

4. R
EQUEST

“In future, I would like you to, or it would be helpful to...”

•      Describe how to improve performance or behavior.

•      Be specific about what behavior you would like to see if a similar situation arises in the future.

•      In the case of praise, offer a statement along the lines of: “That's a great innovation. I'd love to share this with the staff.” Or: “Keep up the good work!”

Since I started using this format in 2008, I've helped numerous people prepare for a wide variety of difficult professional, school-related, and personal conversations. In teaching this technique to larger groups, I've found that the easiest way to illustrate how this works is to use an example of how someone successfully worked through a particularly sticky challenge using this tool. The following example draws on a situation based on actual events, featuring two composite characters to show various nuances of how this emotionally and socially intelligent approach to conflict can solve several issues at once, including how to use your own and others' emotions as information — even when your employee, colleague, or “adversary” lacks these skills.

“Arianna,” a forty-seven-year-old horse trainer, has over twenty years' experience working for some of the finest breeding and show barns on the East Coast. When her mother passed away in 2007, an inheritance allowed this hardworking professional to buy her own stable, a dream come true. Arianna had just completed the Eponaquest Apprenticeship Program and was pleased to add an equine-facilitated learning program to her new operation. She also offered internship positions to promising young trainers who were interested in exploring newer, more humane and collaborative ways of working with horses.

A drop in business during the first six months of 2009, a result of the financial crisis, put Arianna in a tough position as she had invested most of her funds in the property. She was just barely making ends meet as clients began seeking her services again in the summer of that year. To help with the increasing workload, she took on two interns, who worked at minimum wage in exchange for daily lessons with this accomplished trainer. Yet at the height of her workshop, competition, and training season in August, one of the interns suddenly quit after falling in love with an out-of-state rider at a horse show, leaving
town to move in with him two weeks after they had met. Arianna suddenly had to rely exclusively on the newer of the two assistants, “Drew,” a sensitive thirty-two-year-old horsewoman who was also interested in becoming an Eponaquest instructor though she hadn't yet been to an introductory workshop.