The Promises We Keep (Made for Love Book 1) (86 page)

I did something bad.
Or maybe it was something good?
My gut tells me I
’
m a fool if I think what I
’
ve done is good, no matter what my intentions were.

It
’
s been three days since Sonny
’
s birthday. Three days since he got the birthday card from his mother. Three days since I fished it out of the trash.
Three whole days
that I
’
ve been lying to my boyfriend about something I know will upset him. I
’
m not sure what compelled me to do it. In the moment, it just seemed like the right thing to do
—
like he wasn
’
t thinking clearly and I needed to intervene.
He was upset and hurting, but he didn
’
t know what he was throwing away!

I debated about whether or not I should open it for the rest of the weekend. I kept staring at it every time I passed by my desk, where I had hidden it between a couple books. I felt guilty for even having it, so reading it seemed like a bad idea. But when Monday morning rolled around, I woke up with an epiphany.

Of course, I should read it. What if all it is is a stupid birthday card? There
’
s no point in him opening it if that
’
s all he
’
ll find.

So I opened it. I opened it to spare him from any disappointment. I figured if there was nothing significant inside, then I could just throw it away and pretend like I had done so when I told him I would. Except, there wasn
’
t just a birthday card inside.

No, what I found sucked all the air right out of me.

There
was
a birthday card, but there was also a letter. In the letter, Rhonda explained why she hadn
’
t sent him anything since he was eighteen; she
’
d lost track of him. Previously, she
’
d always managed to get his address from her brother, Sonny
’
s uncle Charlie. When Charlie and Patrick had their falling out, she could no longer be sure where he was. After his eighteenth birthday, she assumed he would be off to college
—
which was obviously correct
—
but she didn
’
t know where. Then, before she could learn anything from Charlie, he passed away. It wasn
’
t until she saw something in the newspaper about the Colorado State football team that she realized her son was attending CSU.

She didn
’
t write about why she chose to leave when he was five, but she did explain why she never left a return address on any of his birthday cards. She didn
’
t want Patrick to find her. She also never included anything personal in her annual card because she knew Patrick would get a hold of it. Personally, I think those excuses are malarkey! Outside of her poor reasoning, though, she offered nothing more. All she said was that she hoped Grayson would give her a chance to tell him everything face-to-face. She lives in Wyoming, now. The distance between them is almost nothing and that reality twists my stomach in knots.
I can
’
t believe they
’
re so close.

They
. It
’
s the fact that Rhonda is a part of a
they
that has me reeling.

While she didn
’
t see fit to include any details behind the betrayal of her first born seventeen years ago, she
did
endeavor to inform him that she moved on with her life after she left. She
’
s married to some guy named Keith, now, and they have three kids.
Three kids! Sonny has two brothers and a sister
. The little girl in the picture, who is the youngest at eight years old, has long wavy hair
just
like Sonny
’
s.

Just like their mother
.

My heart aches every time I look at the image of the happy family. I hurt
for
Sonny and I
’
m so angry at the woman in the photo. She
’
s pretty, which shouldn't surprise me, given her son
’
s devastatingly good looks. Her eyes aren't green, though; they're a yellowish shade of brown and I childishly think that
’
s fitting, because she must be full of poo! Really, though, I'm glad that his green eyes
—
my favorite part of his face, next to his barely-there-dimples
—
don
’
t come from her. I cannot believe that she would leave one child behind and never look back. It
’
s a million times worse knowing that she just kept on living her life and made a home with a husband and children and left Sonny to deal with his alcoholic father. I won
’
t claim to know the environment in which her family lives in now, but by the looks of it, they
’
re a whole lot better off than Sonny was.

The worst part, though, is that I know any of this
at all.
I feel overwhelmed with the burden of this news.

I have to tell him. I don
’
t want to.
I really don
’
t want to
. I wish it could come from somebody else. I wish
someone
else
had been stupid enough to not only open the letter but also read it. Three times! But it wasn't someone else. It was me. I know that he deserves the truth, I'm just so afraid of how he
’
ll take it.

We promised each other no secrets!

Ugh
—
and this is the mother of all secrets.

To say that I
’
m scared of dropping this bomb on him would be like saying Addie and I look like we could be related... I went behind his back to get this information. I feel like the worst girlfriend in the world. Yet, part of me feels like I did the right thing by salvaging the envelope. If I hadn't, he would never know that he has a family.
Then again, he might not ever consider them his family.
If that's true, then if he was never told, it wouldn't matter if he read the letter or not.

Honestly, I
’
m so confused. I don
’
t know how I
’
m going to explain this to him. I don
’
t even know how I
’
m going to bring it up. When I hear the front door open, I know it
’
s Addie coming home from the yoga class she squeezed in after dinner. I haven
’
t told anyone about what I
’
ve done, but I suddenly feel the need to confide in her. I know she
’
ll know what to do.

I cried during yoga, tonight.

I can
’
t say I
’
m surprised. My head has been so full, my heart has been so heavy, and my body has been so tense, I suspected it was going to happen. There was a reason why I felt the need to go tonight
—
I needed to release all my pent up emotions. I
’
ve been thinking about Beckham and Logan for days now. I keep trying to remind myself that the
and
is not glue between their names, but that kiss
…

I
’
ve been wondering if he did anything to make her think that he would
want
her to kiss him. I know what I saw. He pushed her away. Furthermore, he pushed her away unaware that he had an audience. But had he done or said something that gave her the courage to lean in and take what she wanted? Or was it just a reckless move on her part? Did she think he would reciprocate? What does this mean for their friendship going forward?

She was drunk. I could tell. But being intoxicated doesn
’
t always excuse someone
’
s actions. In fact, that could have been the most honest thing she did all day
—
her liquid courage drowning out anything that would stop her while sober. I know that no one else believes me when I tell them that she has feelings for him, but that kiss proves me right. I haven
’
t told anyone about it, yet; I know that if I do, they
’
ll blame the alcohol and her flirtatious nature
—
but that
’
s not enough for me.

I hate that I have so many
more
questions now. I hate that my doubts have resurfaced with a vengeance. I hate that I witnessed that moment. Most of all, I hate that Beckham and I are in a place where something like that could happen. The worst part is, I can
’
t talk to him about it. Every time I think about reaching out to him, my stomach twists in knots. It scares me to admit it, but I don
’
t think it
’
s any of my business.

He promised me that there was nothing going on between them months ago. I believed him. I
believe
him. I have to. For the sake of my sanity. But
—
I
’
m beginning to lose track of what
’
s going on between
us
anymore. I think I'm afraid to talk to him about Logan because I don't know that I'll be able to handle what he has to say. Our breakup gets more real every day. The distance between us seems to stretch farther and farther as life goes on and time slips away. We
’
re growing apart and I can
’
t stop myself from wondering how long it
’
ll take for us to become strangers. He said that would never happen, but I know there are things I don
’
t know about him anymore. It also hurts to know that there are things he doesn
’
t know about me either. I don
’
t regret any of my new experiences or the people I
’
ve enjoyed them with. I
’
m grateful of the growth that I
’
ve gone through as I
’
ve become more aware of myself and how I feel through journaling. But it
’
s not supposed to be this way! Not exactly. We
’
re supposed to be together.

I stifle a groan as I throw my things onto the floor and stretch out onto my bed. I wish crying and yoga made me feel better than it has. It
’
s been months since I
’
ve cried like that. It wasn
’
t the same without Roman, though. He always makes me feel better afterwards with a hug and sometimes a laugh. I miss him, right now.

Thinking of him makes me think of Sarah. I tried talking to her about Saturday night and what she and Claire said about Roman having feelings for me, but she asked me to leave it alone. To say that I feel like crap about the whole thing would be an understatement. I can tell the lie about her
not
liking him is starting to weigh her down yet, she refuses to do anything about it. Sarah! The most outgoing person I know. The fact that she doesn't want to talk about it with me makes me feel like there's a wedge between us. It's awful and I don't know what to do to fix it.