The Promises We Keep (Made for Love Book 1) (97 page)

“
Right here, right now, in this moment,
”
she begins to say, effectively stopping my train of thought,
“
yes. But it comes and goes. I don't think it's possible to be content
all
the time. Sometimes you have to dig for it, you know?
”

“
Yeah,
”
I murmur, appreciating her answer.
“
I do.
”
When she smiles at me, I know that as we stare at each other, we share the same
space
. Not physically, but emotionally. No matter what has changed between us, and regardless of what new things we don
’
t know about one another, we still
understand
each other. Our intimacy might be on hiatus, but every once in a while
—
during golden moments like this
—
the connection we share is charged with a jolt, reminding us that our love is still
…
ours
. Ours to have and to hold.

“
Hey, Beckham, Addie,
”
greets Pastor Doug, pulling our focus off of each other.
“
I
’
m sorry to interrupt but, Beck, I was wondering if I might have a quick word?
”

“
Yeah, sure,
”
I mutter curiously as I stand. I cast one backward look at Addie, who gives me an encouraging smile, and then step to the side with Doug.
“
What
’
s up?
”

“
I
’
ve actually been thinking a lot about you, recently. It
’
s been a while since we last sat down to chat.
”

“
I know,
”
I say, regretfully.
“
I keep meaning to reach out, but it
’
s just been a crazy few months.
”

“
I understand. I
’
d love to hear about it.
”

“
Yeah, sure,
”
I repeat, genuinely appreciative of his interest.

“
How about right now? Can I buy you lunch? I know you all usually head out together after service, so I understand if you already have plans, but I have the afternoon free. It
’
s rare, for me,
”
he says with a kind smile.
“
But my wife and kids are out of town this weekend. Any excuse to not cook is a good one, if you ask me.
”

I chuckle before I offer him a shrug.
“
Okay,
”
I agree. The truth is, I really do want to sit down and catch up with him; but my schedule really has gotten in the way, and right now I have no plans.

“
Great,
”
he says, clasping his hands together.
“
You pick the place.
”

An hour later, Doug and I are laughing over our bowls of noodles. I chose Pennie
’
s Pasta as a lunch spot, because they have the best macaroni and cheese I
’
ve ever had
—
aside from my mom
’
s, of course. We end up ordering the same thing. Conversation with him is easy and we spend the first half of our meal talking about yesterday
’
s game, school, and family. He
’
s so great at telling stories and his kids, all under the age of ten, give him the best material. When the conversation circles around to this morning
’
s message, he shifts our focus back onto me.

“
When I came and asked you to lunch, you looked like you were having a content moment. Have things between you and Addie changed?
”
I can tell by the inflection of his voice that he means to inquire if we
’
ve gotten back together yet. I shake my head before I clarify my answer.

“
No. Well
—
yes, but no. We aren
’
t together, if that
’
s what you mean.
”

“
Is that something you still want?
”

“
Yeah.
”
The answer is simple. I haven
’
t changed my mind. Not even for a second. As Doug nods in acknowledgment, I realize that the meaning behind my answer weighs so much more than one word could ever convey.
“
I think that stepping back has actually made me want it more. I mean, I never questioned it before, but our break seems to be reaffirming my choice in her.
”

“
How do you mean?
”

“
I realize that we
’
re
friends
. I mean, I know that might sound like a joke, because we
’
ve been together for so long, but it
’
s different now.
”
I set my fork down, finding that I need all my faculties to be able to adequately explain myself.
“
We weren
’
t
just friends
for very long. Only a couple months, actually. I never really realized how much
everything else
plays into your relationship once you let it in. Now that we
’
ve taken it out, I see just how much her
friendship
means to me. It
’
s the one thing that hasn
’
t changed between us. I don
’
t know,
”
I shrug.
“
It
’
s just nice to be reminded that the woman I love is also just a great friend. We don
’
t need all the
extra
to get along. That
’
s all bonus.
”

“
I like that you
’
ve taken the time and made the effort to look at the situation from a different perspective. You don
’
t seem as anxious as when we last met. Dare I say that you
’
ve come to a place of acceptance?
”

Acceptance
. I let the word bounce around my head for a second. It seems like there are so many facets of this season that I
’
m in that I could pin that word to. Like everything else, the answer to his question is not as simple as
yes
or
no
. I smirk at the thought.
“
I
’
ve accepted the fact that it
’
s complicated and there
’
s no way around that. I still don
’
t know
why
, which makes it hard to explain to other people. I stopped doing that months ago. Even with my family. But
especially
with myself.
”

“
You
’
re not chasing after
why
?
”
he asks, propping his elbows on the table as he tents his fingers together.

“
Nope. I
’
m no longer interested in why. I figure, it
’
ll work itself out.
”

“
And what, may I ask, brought you to that conclusion?
”

“
My need to know all the answers, so that I could plot out a course and follow the appropriate steps to get to that
illusive
place where I
’
m ready to ask Addie to marry me, it was making me crazy. I realized that I can
’
t control everything. Life is full of too many details, too many variables, too many alternate routes
—
I just have to trust my gut, trust my heart, and
—”
I chuckle and shake my head, aware that once I finish my statement, I
’
m going to get slapped with a big, fat
I told you so
.
“
And trust God.
”

“
You
don
’
t
say
…”
Doug replies with a smirk.

“
It
’
s not easy.
”

“
No. It most certainly is not. It
’
s usually during the times when things are hard or not going the way we anticipated that it
’
s the most difficult.
”

“
I
’
m learning that. I
’
m trying not to dwell on it. It helps that I
’
m so busy.
”

“
Yeah, tell me about what else has been going on. How are you coming along with your med school applications?
”

For the rest of our meal, we talk about all the work I
’
ve put in to prepare myself for medical school over the last few months. I know that this is a conversation I
’
ve been having a lot lately, but it never gets old. I can hardly wait for the next step; even though it
’
s only been a couple days, I
’
m anxious to see what schools are interested in me. Beyond that, I
’
m just excited that my undergrad studies are almost finished. With every passing day, I
’
m one step closer to being a doctor
—
something I
’
ve wanted forever.

“
Sometimes I think maybe my reason
why
lies in the last few months themselves. I
’
ve had so much going on that it
’
s been nice not having to worry about Addie. I
’
ve gotten the chance to focus on me. Not to say that I don
’
t have Addie in mind, because I do, but without the pressure of marriage, none of my decisions are weighed down with the obligation to view them through the lens of
future husband
. Even if that is what I am, I can
’
t live every day for someone else. At least, that
’
s what feels true.
”
I surprise myself with my last statement, having never actually articulated those feelings before. But just as I said, it feels true.

“
Hi, my name is Doug,
”
he says, extending his hand across the table.
“
I don
’
t believe we
’
ve met before.
”
I laugh as I bat away his hand and he smiles before he continues to speak.
“
Keep that heart of yours open. God
’
s most certainly molding you.
”

“
Still don
’
t feel ready to get married, though,
”
the words are out before I can stop them. Recently, I
’
ve tried not to let
that
truth negate all the progress I
have
made. I struggle with the fear of
losing
Addie as much as I do with never reaching that place where I know I can do it
—
be her husband. It
’
s a frustrating tug of war that never ceases in my head but I avoid dealing with it as often as possible. It
’
s during moments like the one I had with Addie this morning that I
’
m the most at peace; being near her, having the affirmation that our history stands for so much, it reminds me that I
’
m not in this alone. During those times that I miss her the most, or when I see her with Roman, that
’
s when my anxiety is at it
s
highest. Just thinking of him
—