The Redneck Guide to Raisin' Children (12 page)

Rednecks keep their tanks
FULL
during the races

Plaster your truck with bumper stickers like: I F
IGHT
P
OVERTY
—I W
ORK
; F
IGHT
C
RIME
: S
HOOT
F
IRST
; P
ASS WITH
C
AUTION
: D
RIVER
C
HEWING
R
ED
M
AN
; N
O
E
XCUSES
—J
UST
B
UCKLE UP
Y
OUR
P
ANTS
; and A
SK
M
E ABOUT
M
Y
I
LLEGITIMATE
C
HILDREN.

On the rear window put a radio station sticker—WRED if you can get it—plus NASCAR, NHRA, and National Rifle Association stickers. If your truck's a Ford, add a decal showing Calvin (of Calvin and Hobbes) peeing on a Chevy emblem.

Other rear-window favorites on redneck vehicles: the American flag, Budweiser stickers, and Chuck Norris for President stickers.

If you live in the South, put a rebel flag plate on the front of your truck. We know it ain't politically correct, but rednecks never have given a durn for politics.

When your truck bed rusts and falls off, replace it with a black elastic net. Don't be a cheapo and just stretch a woman's old pair of black net stockings across the bed.

Put a long toolbox in the back of your truck, directly behind the rear window. This has a double purpose: If a relative dies and you're flat broke, you can use the toolbox as a coffin.

Five Ways Rednecks Say “I'm Sorry”

1. “Well, ya know how I am when I git drunk.”

2. “Din't know she was yore wife.”

3. “Glad it's only a flesh wound.”

4. “Here, buddy—have the rest o' my beer.”

5. “I'll mow the yard tomorrow, honey.”

Beer: It's Not Just for Breakfast Anymore

After Wiley Watkins chopped down six mailboxes while driving to work with a hangover, he stopped washing down his ham and eggs with “the hair of the dog that bit him.”

Now Wiley won't touch a beer after midnight, and he ain't had any further accidents. Anybody can benefit from his example.

Warn your grown kids that when they leave the honky-tonk, make sure they're not too drunk to drive. If they're sloshed, tell them to hitch a ride with a sober buddy—or else they could end up buried in a truck toolbox.

How to Beat Procrastination

Well, we finally got around to writing this chapter.

Most kids would rather put off until tomorrow what they ought to do today, whether it's picking up their clothes or washing the dog. Don't let that happen.

Tell your young'uns they can't leave the house or turn on the TV until they've done what they're supposed to do. And stick to your guns, because this is real important.

We admit that procrastination is a hard habit to break. Our boy Wimpy's been trying to break it for years and still can't get anything done on time.

Annie even went over to the county library and got Wimpy a book on beating procrastination called
Just DO IT, You Lazy Little Twerp.
Now the book is six months overdue and he still ain't read a word.

Uncle Billy's even worse. His procrastination is so bad that he actually applied for a government disability check, claiming he couldn't work because his “problem” kept him from ever showing up for job interviews.

The clerk seriously considered putting him on the disability rolls—probably figuring Billy would never get around to cashing his monthly check anyway.

Don't
you
procrastinate in following our rearin' rules. Start using them today—and you'll wind up the proud parents of the best young'uns in America!

Notes

Dating outside the Family

Young'uns Gotta Work

THE REDNECK GUIDE TO RAISIN' CHILDREN.
Copyright © 1998 by Annie and Glen-Bob Smith. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. For information, address St. Martin's Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.

eBooks may be purchased for business or promotional use. For information on bulk purchases, please contact Macmillan Corporate and Premium Sales Department by writing to [email protected].

First St. Martin's Griffin Edition: January 1998

eISBN 9781466877849

First eBook edition: July 2014