The Redneck Guide to Raisin' Children

BOOK: The Redneck Guide to Raisin' Children
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Title Page

Copyright Notice

Why We Wrote This Book

All about Conceiving Your Child

Hauling Your Newborn Home

Recording the Birth

Fixing Up the Nursery

Breast-Feeding Directions

Bottle Feeding

Weaning the Baby

Changing Rug Rats' Diapers

Choosing a Baby-sitter

Redneck Nannies

“Whut Air Ya Gonna Name the Kid?”

Middle Names

Hollywood in the Backwoods

The Significance of

Dolls' Real Purpose

Dating outside the Family

Explaining Eviction to Your Kids

Farting: Will You Go to Hell?

Passing Gas for Fun and Profit

Grime and Punishment

When Grandpa's in Prison

Just Say “Hell, No!” to Drugs

Stranger in a Strange Land

Surefire Cussin' Remedies

Huntin' and Fishin'

When Nature Calls Collect

Guns and Gun Racks

In-laws and Other Household Pests

Debugging Your Home

Junkyards as Vacation Sites

Other Family Outings

Keeping Your Kids Safe

Lip-Smackin' Snacks for Kids

The Real Dirt on Eatin' Right

This Is Your Brain on Fried Eggs

Outside Dinin'

Moonshine and Other Medications

Home First Aid for Kids


Nine Greatest Redneck Tragedies

Outhouse Dos and Don'ts

Entertaining in the Outhouse

Putting the
Back in Christmas

The Redneck Stock Portfolio

Hardheaded Hillbillies in a Software World

Quaint Redneck Superstitions

Elvis: Dead or Alive?

Bedtime Stories and Lullabies

Redneck Toys

All Their Rowdy Friends

Sixteen Uses for an Old Commode

A Boy's First Truck

A Boy's First DUI

School Days, Rule Days

The Birds, the Bees, and the Backseat

Sex, Lies, and Duck Tape

Twins: Should You Keep Just One?

Use and Care of Snot Rags

Vaseline's Role in Rearin'

Sideburns for Young'uns under Ten

More Grooming Tips

The Little Redneck Instruction Book

Weighing Kids on Store Scales

Child Rearing for Peanuts

The Britches of Mayhew County

Night of the Living T-shirt

Buying Brand-New Duds



Marks the Pot

Redneck Home Furnishings

Young'uns Gotta Work

The Man with the Goal 'n' Gun

Callus Behavior

Picking the Right Job

Shorty's Rise to Riches

Dumb and Dumber

Zero Tolerance for Misbehavin'

Passing Out Chores

Passing Out in Front of the Kids

The Boogeyman: Parents' Best Friend

The Haunted Pillow Caper

Give 'Em That Old-Time Religion

Picking the Right Church

Give Us This Day Our Daily Cornbread

Skinny-dipping during Baptism

Speaking in Unknown Tongues

Say Hello to Hell

Honky-tonk Survival Skills

Entering the Outside World

How to Act like a Redneck

Beer: It's Not Just for Breakfast Anymore

How to Beat Procrastination


Why We Wrote This Book

We've raised ten kids and not a single one of 'em has gone to prison. So we reckon that makes us qualified to tell other people how to bring up their young'uns.

Our five grown boys all hold down good jobs making over six dollars an hour. Our three married daughters also work outside the home, hanging clothes on the line and mowing the yard. The two youngest kids, Lonnie and Betty Jean, still live with us. They're more rambunctious than their older brothers and sisters, but we blame that on the TV. No matter—we expect them to turn out well or else we'll tan their hides.

Now, we don't claim to be some highfalutin experts on child rearing like that baby-care fellow Mr. Spock. We're just raising our young'uns like our own parents brought us up, and we're passing along these time-tested methods to you.

Most redneck boys and girls are polite, law-abiding kids who make their parents proud. The worst four-letter words they use are “shucks” and “dadburn.” And it ain't no accident that they turned out decent.

It's because they got raised the right way—the redneck way.

That's our way, and it works. We know because we're parents, and neither one of us has ended up in the crazy house yet.

Annie and Glen-Bob Smith

Rural Route 8

Chicken Neck, Tennessee

555–2218 (Our neighbor's phone—ask him to holler for us.)

All about Conceiving Your Child

If you don't know how to do this, you ain't ready to care for the result.

Hauling Your Newborn Home

Steal a blanket from the hospital—heck, they're gonna overcharge you anyway—and wrap it around your baby so he'll keep warm during the ride home.

This is especially important if it's wintertime and your pickup truck's heater is broke. You might be used to flicking icicles off your chin on the way to work, but the baby just came from a nice warm belly and will squall all the way home if he's cold.

If the blanket has the hospital's name on it, so much the better. In some Southern neighborhoods that's like having designer label bedsheets. Rednecks love “name brand” furnishings in their homes—that's why they hang Budweiser mirrors on their den walls and permanently borrow Budget Inn ashtrays.

In fact, when you take that blanket, see if you also can pocket a saucer with the hospital's name on it. Put it beside the baby's bed so he can use it for an ashtray when he starts sneaking smokes six or seven years down the road.

Once the kid was outgrowed the blanket, put it away. Give it back when he gets old enough to drive. It'll be a fond reminder of his childhood.

He can also tear it in two and use half as a gas cap and the other half as a snot rag.

Recording the Birth

Unlike certain beers, kids don't come with a “Born On” date. So as soon as you get home from the hospital, write down your baby's birthday in the family Bible. That way you won't forget it—which is easy to do if you've got a houseful of young'uns.

There ain't nothing more embarrassing than showing off your latest child to a neighbor and having to say, “This is our daughter Sally. She was born last year, some'ers between the time the dog died and the roof fell in.”

Fixing Up the Nursery

Clear a space out in the backyard. Be sure to pick up all the busted beer bottles, shotgun shell casings, and any other trash your kids might get cut or choked on.

But don't move all of the old commodes. Leave the cleanest, least cracked one in the nursery area. Toilet training's a messy job, so make the kids learn it for themselves.

Next, put up four posts and string some chicken wire around the nursery. Make sure the fence ain't got no holes in it. You don't want your babies crawling around the neighborhood—a dirty-faced kid looks very much like a raccoon and some fool might take a potshot at it.

When it rains, don't bother bringing your young'uns inside unless it's a real frog drowner. A good drizzle on Saturday means you won't have to bother giving the kids their weekly bath, and you'll have time to watch all of
Walker, Texas Ranger.

Meet Maw Redneck


Breast-Feeding Directions

Rednecks traditionally have big families, and redneck women traditionally have big bosoms. We've got women in our hometown of Chicken Neck, Tennessee, who make Dolly Parton look like she's got two ball bearings taped to her chest.

But no matter if you're a 44DDD, the rule is still: One Baby Per Breast!

We don't see anything wrong with breast-feeding your babies in public. But a woman trying to fit three or four babies on two nipples looks kinda like a hog suckling piglets. It's downright upsetting to genteel folk.

Even worse, the babies who don't get enough milk will grow up conniving and mean. We think this is what causes lawyers and politicians.

Bottle Feeding

A few unlucky women, God bless 'em, have breasts the size of acorns. Or even if they do have decent-sized bosoms, they don't have much milk. In these cases it's okay for them to raise their kids on baby formula.

But you have to buy the right formula. For instance, Formula 409 won't do—although it'll sure give your young'uns the cleanest innards around.

Shorty Perkins, who owns one-eighth interest in the local filling station, accidentally bought his kid some Formula One racing fuel additive. It tasted terrible, but for a while there his little boy Scooter was the fastest kid in Mayhew County.

BOOK: The Redneck Guide to Raisin' Children
8.98Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub

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