The Redneck Guide to Raisin' Children (8 page)

Here are the rules you need when your young'uns get into school:

• Never send your son to his fourth-grade class without a good clean shave. Or your daughter either, for that matter.

Nothing looks worse on a grade school young'un than a five o'clock shadow—it kinda resembles a hog that's been slaughtered and shaved but still has short bristles sticking out of its hide.

And if you let your boy go to school without shaving, the teachers will poke fun at him—especially if they're one of those fuzzy-faced, four-eyed Yankee teachers who've sashayed down to the South on a “mission” to educate our kids. Next thing you know, your kid will beat up the teacher and wind up in a heap of trouble.

• Before your kids take off for school in the morning, always check their shoes.

If they're still half asleep, you can almost bet they'll put on a black shoe and a brown one. That would be fine if the young'un was just going down to the store. But he's got to learn that for formal occasions, such as school, he's got to wear the same color shoes.

It's a good idea to remind your brood every now and then that their pair of brown shoes is for school, their black pair is for church.

• When the kids get home from class, teach them to take off their shoes as soon as they hit the front porch.

Grade-schoolers under age twenty should always go barefoot when playing after school, up until the time they start coming inside with frostbite on their toes.

Going shoeless in winter and summer makes your kids grow up healthy and hardy, saves shoe leather, and keeps them from tracking dog poop into the house.

Redneck kids can't smell. If a boy's got his shoes on and steps in a pile of hound droppings, he won't even notice it. He'll come squishing right through your front door leaving stinky tracks all over the floor.

And sooner or later, some visitor to your house will notice the tracks.

• To save money, pack your kids' school lunches. Don't get fancy—just give each one a can of Vienna sausage, potted meat, or sardines. Throw in a few packs of crackers, which you can pick up free at restaurant buffet bars.

The Birds, the Bees, and the Backseat

School-age redneck boys are naturally interested in girls. It's in their jeans.

And redneck girls are just as curious about boys, although they try harder not to show it.

But it's up to you parents to teach your boys and girls about the ways of romance, how to behave on dates, and (when they're older) safe sex.

We realize you don't want to even
think
about sex and your kids. But it's something you'll have to face sooner or later. None of us got on this earth because our parents just kissed and held hands on the front porch swing.

Problems can crop up with teenagers no matter where they go on a date—to the drive-in show, the Saturday night rodeo, a tractor pull, wrestling at the town auditorium, or parking out by the lake.

When a boy takes a girl to the drive-in and he's got a cold, nothing's more embarrassing than having a runny nose all night. Snot also makes popcorn taste terrible, and trying to pass it off as “buttered” popcorn won't work with a lot of girls.

So tell your boys that in an emergency, their truck's gas cap rag can be used as a snot rag.

Some parents buy books advising them how to tell their kids about sex. But the easiest way to teach young'uns is to take them to a farm where they can watch the cows, pigs, and other creatures in action.

Chances are that once your daughter see what a cow has to go through while giving birth to a calf, she'll
never
let a boy touch her indecently!

Sex, Lies, and Duck Tape

We used to have a little town tramp named Lisa who spent more time in the backseat than that little dog with the bobbin' head in the rear window.

If your daughters turn out like Lisa, we pity you—because she was a laughingstock from one end of Chicken Neck to the other. All the boys called her Moaner Lisa.

She was a preacher's daughter, but she sure didn't act it. Lisa guzzled beer like a man dying of thirst, swore like a sailor, and lied more than all the town's lawyers put together.

Even worse, as she got older she got into something called “bondage.” Lisa would get a boyfriend to tie her up with duck tape before she'd agree to do it with him. She got some kind of thrill out of that.

Next thing we knew, Lisa had left Chicken Neck and was working at the Chicken Ranch out in Las Vegas. On the side she became the spokeswoman for Tru-Tite duck tape.

That ain't no fitting end for any girl. Tell your daughters the sad story of Moaner Lisa and maybe they'll keep their clothes on, at least more often.

Twins: Should You Keep Just One?

The problem with having twins is that they're twice as costly to raise. And if you've seen one twin, you've seen the other—so why keep both?

A family of kids should all look different so the parents can tell right away who did something wrong. You can't tell twins apart unless one is a boy and one is a girl—and you still might get confused if the boy happens to be a tad sissy.

So if you've got a married sister who yearns for young'uns but can't have any, why not give her one of your twins? Then you and your sister will have a matched set!

We realize most parents are going to want to keep both twins for themselves. If that's what you decide, you should do certain things to make sure you can identify which kid is which.

Shave one twin bald, and let the other grow long hair. Have them switch styles every New Year's Day.

Get a barber to cut each twin's name on the back of his head. You still won't be able to tell them apart when they're facing you, but when one is running away after some mischief you can holler real loud, “James Edward, you GIT RIGHT BACK HERE!”

Make one twin learn Spanish and speak it all the time. You won't understand a word she's saying, but that's okay—most kids' chatter ain't worth listening to anyway.

Feed one twin more than the other. At family reunions you can introduce them as: “This here's my boys Jimmy and Johnny—Jimmy's the fat one with the Big Mac wrapper stuck between his teeth.”

Use and Care of Snot Rags

Every boy should carry a handkerchief in his back pocket. It's got all kinds of useful purposes—you can wipe a runny nose, clean dog poop off your shoes, and tie up loose hard candy in it.

Snot rags should be colored, not white, and have patterns so snot boogers won't show. It's downright embarrassing for the teacher or preacher to compliment your young'un on his pretty polka-dot snot rag, then take a closer look and learn the awful truth.

Teach your kids to clean their handkerchiefs at least once a year, usually in the spring. The easiest way is to stick the rag on a fishing hook and swish it around in a river or lake.

Last May our boy Lonnie cast his snot rag out in Lost Gizzard Lake and caught a six-pound snot-lovin' bass!

We gave it to Rufus McKinney. He likes exotic foods.

Vaseline's Role in Rearin'

We wish Vaseline came in fifty-gallon steel drums, because it's the handiest product that parents can buy.

You can slap this gooey stuff on a baby's crotch to ease the pain of diaper rash … smear it inside your kids' too-tight shoes so they won't get chafed heels … stick it up their red, burning nose holes when they've got colds … and dab it on their lips to soothe winter cold sores.

Parents can use Vaseline to oil their guns cheap, to stop doors and beds from squeaking, and to ease their awful suffering from hemorrhoids.

WD-40 works good on doors and beds, too, but we don't advise spraying it on your burning butt.

Vaseline's also important for grooming. Boys can comb the goop through their hair for that slicked-back Elvis look still prized in redneck country.

Sideburns for Young'uns under Ten

Boys of all ages love sideburns, but unfortunately the little ones can't grow them. So as your dogs shed hair, sweep it up and give it to your small sons. They can use Elmer's Glue to paste the fur on their cheeks.

Some kids make real-looking sideburns this way. But a few others botch the job and end up looking like Wolf Boy—which can be a plus if Halloween's just around the corner.

More Grooming Tips

Once a year, take each kid in for his tooth cleaning.

Don't let your boy use Skoal until he's got two teeth.

Buy each of your girls a can of 10W-30 motor oil so they can keep their hair shiny like the boys do with Vaseline.

And when your young'uns get close to being grown-ups, clip out the following chapter—and tell them to follow these simple directions for living the redneck life.

The Little Redneck Instruction Book

Always have a cigarette dangling from the corner of your mouth, even in church. Even if you're a woman. Even if you're the preacher.

Learn to smoke like a redneck. Hold the filter between your thumb and forefinger, with the other fingers cupped over it.

Never use a truck's ashtray—open the window and flick the ashes outdoors where they belong.

If you chew Skoal or Beech-Nut while driving, spit the juice out your own window. Some rednecks like to show off by spitting all the way across the seat and out the passenger-side window. That can get mighty messy for riders, especially if the window happens to be rolled up.

Don't wear your false teeth except on formal occasions or when you're trying to pick up girls.

Keep a pink or powder blue leisure suit in your closet to wear to weddings, funerals, and the annual PTA dance.

Never buy fancy bottled water with a foreign-sounding name on the label. For the price you pay for a sixteen-ounce bottle of this stuff, you could buy a whole six-pack of Old Milwaukee. If you want to carry water around with you, get a gallon milk jug and fill it up at the store's water machine for a dime or a quarter.

Your belt buckle has to be solid silver and at least a half-inch bigger than your billfold. Some rednecks pay more for their buckle than they do for their pickup truck.

Get your first name or nickname burned or stitched onto the back of your belt. That way it'll always be returned to you if you happen to lose it. (You might want to deny ownership if your belt is found in the backseat of some redneck's wife's car.)

Don't join a gym. Most rednecks get a real workout on the job and don't need no costly gym membership. Besides, they'd rather jump off an interstate bridge than wear them short silky gym shorts.

Never go to a tanning bed. People pay to use these contraptions even in Florida—which is the Sunshine State, for God's sake! If for some crazy reason you want to tan your body, just smear butter or lard all over yourself and lay out in the backyard.

Learn to pick a guitar, a banjo, and your nose.

Never wear color-coordinated clothes. Rednecks' shirts and caps are always different colors. If you show up on the job site wearing the same color shirt and cap, the foreman will send you home to change.

If you've still got your high school jacket with the football letter on it, drag it out and start wearing it again in your forties and fifties. You can get sympathy from gals by telling them you're just eighteen, but you've got that aging disease progeria.

Weighing Kids on Store Scales

Why pay good money for a home scale when every supermarket's got one in the produce department?

Just put your baby on the scale and see how much she's gained. Ignore women shoppers who come up to you and ask, “What aisle is the babies on?”

When your kids get bigger, you can weigh them on truck scales out by the highway.

Drive over the scales with the kid in your truck, then dump him beside the road and go through again. Subtract the second figure from the first and you've got your young'un's weight, give or take a diaperful.

Child Rearing for Peanuts

With prices going up every day, it's getting harder and harder for parents to stretch their dollars. Here's a few suggestions that might help you save money:

Beds
—Seems like every week you pick up your neighbor's discarded newspaper and read that some hotshot movie actress has spent fifty thousand or more on her new baby's bed.

Well, folks, stars can do that because they've got more money than John spoke about. But redneck parents can't be so extravagant. Most of us here in Chicken Neck have to watch every penny we spend.

We're not saying our town is poor, but some people can't wait to get on jury duty because it means a pay increase.

So instead of buying a costly bed for each of your kids, do like we do: Go out to a flea market or yard sale and spend a couple of bucks on a big old beat-up chest of drawers.

Take out the drawers and slap down a layer of foam rubber bedding in each drawer. Throw in a quilt and pillow and—bingo—you've got a whole roomful of beds!