The Saffron Gate (68 page)

^{'Bring Sidonie’s stockings and shoes,' he said to Badou, and the boy ran to pick them up and bring them to Aszulay.}

^{Aszulay put on my stockings, and then my shoes, lacing them. The whole time I watched the top of his head as he bent over my feet. I wanted to reach out and touch his hair, run my hand down the back of his head, touch the edges of his ears, his neck.}

^{I kept my hands folded together in my lap until he was done.}

^{We were passing through a small, busy souk not far from Sharia Soura. Aszulay and I walked side by side, while Badou was a few feet ahead of us. I was aware of Aszulay's blue sleeve brushing mine occasionally. I glanced up at him. What did I want him to say? I knew he felt what I felt. I knew he wanted me as I wanted him.}

^{'I have three canvases to work on this week,' I finally said, breaking the comfortable silence. 'I took one of my oils to the hotel, and they said they'd take it on consignment, as well as more watercolours.' I smiled up at him, but he was silent, staring straight ahead as if concentrating on something else.}

^{'Aszulay?' I said, and when still he didn't turn to me, I followed his gaze.}

^{A dark-haired man, his shoulders gaunt and curved under his linen jacket, turned a corner ahead of us. I had only time to catch a glimpse of his pale profile. But I knew. This time I knew. It wasn't like all the other times I had thought I'd seen Etienne in Marrakesh.}

^{I stopped for one instant, and then, dropping my bag, pushed through the throngs in the square, turning the corner where he had been, but here was a wide street, lined with markets, teeming with people and animals.}

^{'Etienne,' I shouted into the swarming milieu. I snatched my veil from my face so that my voice was clearer. 'Etienne!' Heads closest to me turned, but I couldn't see Etienne. I worked my way through the crowds, calling his name, but my voice was lost, blending in to the rest of the clamour. Panting, I finally stopped in the middle of the street, my hands at my sides, staring at the sea of people and animals milling around me. Alleys ran off this street in all directions; Etienne could have gone down any of them.}

^{Aszulay touched my arm. I looked up at him. 'It was Etienne,' I said. 'You saw him. I know you did. He's here, Aszulay. He's in Marrakesh.'}

^{He pulled my arm, leading me away so that we were standing under the shaded overhang of a locked gate, where the noise wasn't so intense. 'Badou,' he said, reaching into the folds of his robe and pulling out a few coins, 'please go and buy bread. From the stall, there,' he said, pointing.}

^{Badou took the money and ran off.}

^{'I must tell you something,' Aszulay said. I absently noticed that he had my bag over his shoulder.}

^{I nodded, thinking only of Etienne. He was here, in Marrakesh.}

^{'When I came to get you, on our way to the countryside . . .' Aszulay hesitated. 'I should have spoken of it, even though you asked me not to. Sidonie. Look at me. Please.'}

^{I was still staring into the street. 'Spoken about what?' I asked, turning towards him.}

^{'At Manon's, when I went to pick up Badou just before I came to you,' he glanced at Badou, waiting for the bread, 'Etienne was there.'}

^{He said the final three words in a rush. I opened my mouth, then closed it.}

^{'I should have told you,' he said. 'Even though you asked me not to speak of Manon, and Sharia Zitoun, I should have told you.'}

^{I leaned against the gate. 'Etienne is at Manon's?' I said.}

^{He nodded. 'And I didn't tell you because . . .'}

^{I waited, watching his mouth.}

^{'Because I wished you to come to the
bled
with us. With me. I knew that if I told you Etienne was here, you wouldn't come. And . . . and something else.'}

^{Still I stood there. When he didn't speak, I said, in a quiet voice, 'What else?'}

^{'I didn't want you to go and face Manon and Etienne by yourself. I didn't want to leave Marrakesh, knowing . . .'}

^{'Knowing. . .?'}

^{But Badou came running back then, the round of bread under his arm.}

^{I looked down at the boy, who glanced from me to Aszulay.}

^{'Does he know? Does he know I'm here?' I asked Aszulay.}

^{Aszulay nodded.}

^{'But he doesn't know where I am.' I stated it, rather than asked it.}

^{Again Aszulay nodded.}

^{'You didn't tell him.'}

^{He didn't answer.}

^{'But. . . if he knew I was here, he must have asked you, or Manon, about me, how I was. Where I was. Wouldn't he have tried to find me, over these last few days?'}

^{Again, Aszulay didn't appear to have an answer. I had never seen him like this.}

^{'Aszulay. Has he been looking for me?'}

^{'I don't know, Sidonie.' He took a deep breath. 'I speak the truth. I don't know.'}

^{'Let's go, Oncle Aszulay,' Badou said. 'I have the bread for Maman.'}

^{'You should have told me,' I said to Aszulay ignoring Badou. 'You let me go off with you, knowing, all along, that this — that Etienne — was the reason I was in Marrakesh. And yet you . . . you betrayed me, Aszulay.' My voice had risen.}

^{'No, Sidonie. I didn't betray you.' Aszulay's voice was low, and his face held something. Perhaps anguish. 'I . . . I wished to protect you.'}

^{I pulled at my bag, and he slid it off his arm. 'Protect me from what?' I said, louder than necessary, then I slung the bag over my shoulder and turned sharply, walking alone back to Sharia Soura.}

^{I went to my room and lay on the bed. Etienne was here; I could be facing him within the hour, if I so wished. But why did I feel more a sense of dread than excitement? As I'd just told Aszulay, this was why I'd come to Marrakesh. This was why I'd waited all this time. Why was I so angry at Aszulay? Was it really anger, or was it something else?}

^{I rose and looked at myself in the mirror.}

^{Again I saw how I resembled Manon.}

^{Now everything was different. It was so complicated. What had just unfolded between Aszulay and me . . .}

^{I couldn't go to Sharia Zitoun just yet. I needed a little more time, one more night, to prepare myself to see Etienne.}

^{Of course I was unable to sleep at all. My thoughts went from Aszulay's kiss, his touch on my feet, to Etienne, and what I would say to him. What he would say to me.}

^{I tossed through the endless night, and was glad to finally hear the morning prayer. I bathed in the tub in my room, washing my hair. I pulled my best dress — the green silk with cap sleeves — from my case and put it on. I brushed my damp hair back into its usual style, pinning it firmly, and studied myself in the long mirror.}

^{The dress was all wrong; wrinkled badly and hanging oddly on me. Although I could never appear pale with my darkened skin, there was a drawn look about me, as though I had just recovered from a tiring illness. And with my hair back, my face appeared too severe, too angular.}

^{I sat on my bed. Then I unpinned my hair, feeling the thick waves fall over my shoulders. I took off my dress and put on a kaftan. I took my veil and
haik
and went downstairs. I asked Mena for her kohl, and outlined my eyes. Then I called for Najeeb, and went to Sharia Zitoun.}

^{THIRTY SEVEN}

^{I
stared at the hamsa on the saffron gate. I closed my eyes and knocked.}

^{Within a moment Falida called out, asking who it was.}

^{'Mademoiselle O'Shea,' I said, quietly.}

^{She pulled open the door. I stood there, unable to force my feet forward.}

^{'Mademoiselle?' Falida said. 'You come in?'}

^{I nodded, taking, a deep breath, and stepped into the courtyard. There were loud voices from within the house, although I couldn't make out what was said, Badou sat on the bottom step of the outside staircase.}

^{'Bonjour,
Sidonie,' he said, but he stayed where he was, not running to me as he usually did.}

^{'Bonjour,
Badou. Falida, is Monsieur Duverger in the house?'}

^{She nodded.}

^{'Please go and tell him Mademoiselle O'Shea is here,' I said.}

^{She went inside, and the voices stopped abruptly.}

^{I stood, trembling slightly, and suddenly there he was. Etienne. My Etienne. My initial reaction was shock at his appearance; he was much thinner than I remembered him, the gauntness in his shoulders I had seen yesterday more apparent. And yet his face was somehow bloated, and very pale. Had he always been this pale, or was it that I was used to a darker face now?}

^{He stared at me.}

^{I tried to remember that I loved him. But seeing him standing there, looking so . . . vacant, I felt nothing like love. I felt hatred. I thought of all I'd gone through, coming here, searching for him, having to deal with Manon. Then waiting for him.}

^{I hadn't thought it would be like this. I had imagined him holding out his arms, and me running to him. Or me weeping, him weeping, one of us weeping, both of us weeping. Oh, I'd created so many images.}

^{Instead, we simply stood there, looking at each other.}

^{He took a few steps towards me. He held a glass in one hand; even with the distance between us, I could smell alcohol. I thought, in a detached manner, that his face might be bloated from far too much drinking. 'Sidonie?' he said, frowning, his forehead creasing. I thought of my nightmares, when I stood in front of him and he didn't recognise me.}

^{I pulled off my
haik
and veil. 'Yes,' I said. I thought my voice might be shaky, weak, but it wasn't. And my trembling had stopped completely. 'Yes, it's me. Don't you know me?' I asked.}

^{His eyes widened. 'You look . . . you're different.'}

^{'As are you,' I said.}

^{'Manon told me you were in Marrakesh. I couldn't believe it. You came all this way.' His eyes ran down my body, hidden under the loose kaftan. Surely Manon had told him there was no longer a baby. 'But. . . . how? And . . .'}

^{He didn't say
why.
But I heard it. 'Yes,' I said again. 'I came all this way. And I lost the baby. In Marseilles. In case Manon hasn't told you. In case you're wondering.' It came out so easily, with so little emotion. I knew that Etienne would be relieved.}