The Samantha Project (11 page)

As they left, people I’d only met a few times began surrounding me, all waiting to say how sorry they were and to tell me how much they loved my parents. I listened to their stories and endured their hugs and handshakes. But after an hour of it, I just wanted to be alone. I went into my dad’s office and closed the door.
 

Shortly after I sat down, there was a light knock at the door. Now what? Can’t I get a moment alone? “Come in.”

It was a middle-aged man that I had seen earlier at the service. “Hi. Are you looking for the bathroom?” I got up and headed to the door. “I can show you where it is.”

“No, Sam. I just wanted to say a few words.”
 

“I should really be getting back,” I said, feeling anxious around the guy.

“I just need a minute. Is that okay?” He could sense my discomfort.
 

“Um, okay, go ahead,” I said, motioning him to sit down.

“I knew your dad well. Years ago, I actually used to work at Dave’s research firm. I was hired for a special project. Moved my whole family here from New York. Then GlobalLife bought the company and I got laid off. Soon after that, my wife and our three kids were hit by a car. And I had nothing left. No job. No family.”
 

“I’m really sorry to hear that,” I said, not sure why he was telling me his life story.
 

“Yes, well, I got depressed, the bills started piling up, and I lost my house. I had a Ph.D. but was living out of my car, begging for money on the streets. One day, your dad started talking to me. Long story short, he helped me get a job in the genetics department at the university. It changed my life. It’s hard to believe that just one kind person can save your life like that.”
 

He waited for me to respond, but I didn’t know what to say. “Well, I just wanted to tell you how much that meant to me. And if you ever need help, Sam, you come see me. I owe everything to your dad and I never got to repay him. So, anytime, just call.” He got up and gave me his business card. It was from the university, just as he said. Michael Fisher, Ph.D., Professor, Department of Genetics.

“Thanks,” I said, although I couldn’t imagine why I would ever need his help. “It was nice meeting you.”
 

The man left and I quickly headed back to the living room. I noticed Dave off to the side of the room talking to some man in a dark coat and hat. I hadn’t seen the man earlier, so he must have arrived late. Dave seemed angry. I focused on the two of them, trying to see if my newly improved hearing could catch any of their conversation.

“How dare you come into this house!” I heard Dave say, quietly. “The fact that you could even
think
to show up here! On this day! Get out! Now!”

“Calm down,” the man said. “You’re only drawing attention to us. I came to see Samantha. Make sure our girl is all right.”

“All right? Of course she’s not all right! Her parents are dead! Just leave her alone. Please!” Dave looked desperate, as if this man had some type of control over him.

The man scanned the room. I ducked behind the people in front of me. He turned back to Dave. “Fine. I’ll leave. But time’s running out, Dave.”

The man left and I tried to get a better look at him. Did I know him? He almost looked like that weird guy standing in our driveway on Thanksgiving. It couldn’t be him, could it? But who was it? And why did Dave not want him there?

Dave went over to the door. People were starting to leave. The church ladies were scurrying around cleaning up dishes and wiping up crumbs. Red hair lady was gathering coats for people.
 

Thank God this is almost over, I thought, sitting down on the sofa. Colin saw me and came to sit next to me. “Hey, there you are. I couldn’t find you.”
 

“I was hiding in the office. I needed a break from all this. So are you heading home?”

“Yeah, but I’ll be back. I just have to stop by school and turn in a paper that was due today. And then I have basketball practice, but I’m gonna skip it.”

“No, go to practice. I’m just gonna sleep the rest of the day.” I got up and walked him to the front steps. Dave was already outside talking with the last of the guests. I kissed Colin goodbye. He grabbed me for a long hug as the cold air howled around us.
 

I hurried back inside. I went up to my room and collapsed on my bed, relieved that the dreaded day was finally over.

A knock on the door woke me up a few hours later. “Sam, it’s Dave.”

I looked over at the clock to find that it was 8 p.m. “Come in.” I reached over to turn on a light.

“The ladies from the church packaged up the rest of the food for us. It just needs reheating.” Dave looked completely wiped out. His face seemed to have sprouted a dozen new wrinkles since the accident and his hair appeared even more gray. His voice was hoarse from talking to people all afternoon.

“Tough day, huh?” I said softly.

Dave didn’t answer. He just hugged me. I think he needed the hug even more than me.
 

“Thanks for all that you did to get everything ready for today, Uncle Dave. I know it was a lot of work.”

Dave sat at the edge of my bed and stared down at the floor. “I shouldn’t have had to do it. This shouldn’t have happened. It never should have come to this.”
 

I looked at him, wondering why he was saying this now. I thought he’d accepted the accident.
I
may not have accepted it. But I was sure that he had.
 

“Why are you saying that, Dave? What do you mean, ‘It shouldn’t have happened’?”

“What?” Dave looked up, realizing what he’d said. “Oh, nothing. I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m just tired.”

“Dave, can I ask you something?”

“Sure, honey.”

“At the memorial service today, you said something about helping Mom and Dad have me. What did that mean? Mom and Dad told me they went to a fertility clinic in Minneapolis.”
 

Dave seemed surprised, as if he’d forgotten what he’d said earlier. “Oh, that. Well, no. They
did
go to a clinic there, but when they found out what it would cost, well, back then your parents couldn’t afford it. They had school debt like you wouldn’t believe. And I knew that, more than anything, they wanted a child. So I offered to help. Everything was done in my lab for free. Well, technically it was GlobalLife’s lab by that time, so I covered the costs. But it was free for your parents.”

“Why would they make up some story about a fertility clinic? Why didn’t they just tell me that you helped?”

Dave’s face became flushed and beads of sweat were forming on his forehead. “Because I asked them not to. I thought you might feel uncomfortable around me knowing that I was involved.” Dave took a matter-of-fact tone that made the whole thing seem like no big deal. But his fast speech and flushed cheeks gave me the feeling that there was more to this story that he didn’t want me to know.
 

Dave looked so tired that he could barely hold his head up.
 

“You need to sleep, Dave. I’ll see you in the morning.”

He left and headed to the guest room. I lay awake thinking about what Dave had said about my conception. It didn’t make sense for Dave to use his lab to help my parents conceive a child. His lab was meant for research. They studied rats and mice. How would they even have the right equipment? Something wasn’t being said. There had to be more to the story.

The day after the memorial service was almost worse than the days leading up to it. Before the memorial, everyone was focused on it. People were thinking about my parents and remembering stories about them. But now, it was over and life went on. People went back to focusing on their own lives, and it didn’t seem fair. How could everyday life just continue when I felt stuck and unable to move forward?
 

Soon, people would expect me to move on, go back to school, return to my normal schedule. Dave had no choice but to return to his normal schedule. Work had been calling him nonstop. I didn’t hear him leave for the office that day, but I was sure it was before sunrise.
 

I was home alone again. The house was empty and quiet. I wondered if this was how it would be going forward. Dave always at work and me always home alone in that big, lonely house.
 

Colin called first thing in the morning. I lied and told him Dave was home. I didn’t want him missing school. And I just wanted to hide in bed all day and sleep. But my mind kept me awake. I lay there, listening to the cars going up and down my street. I heard dogs barking. Neighbors talking and laughing next door. Kids getting on and off the school bus. Everyone was living their lives, like nothing had happened.
 

By late afternoon the phone started ringing. First Colin, then Allie, then Dave. I didn’t answer. Colin kept calling so I finally picked up.

“Sam, where have you been? Why aren’t you answering my calls?”

“I’ve been sleeping.”

“Oh. Well, Allie and I were gonna stop over.”

“No, don’t do that,” I said. If they came over, they’d know I was lying about being alone, and I didn’t want a lecture. “I’m really tired. I just want to sleep some more.”

“But you’ve been sleeping all day. Are you okay?”

Why did people keep asking me that? Of course I wasn’t okay.
 

“Please, Colin, just let me sleep. You guys can come over tomorrow. Will you tell Allie?”

He thought about it. “Well, okay. As long as Dave’s over there.”

“Okay. I’ll see you later.”

I hung up, then noticed a text from Dave saying he’d be home late once again. That night, I lay in bed thinking that the huge emptiness I was feeling would never end. Allie had told me to take one day at a time, but after having such a bad day, I didn’t think I could take another.
 

I slept until noon the next day. Dave was long gone for work. His note said he wouldn’t be home until later that evening. I went over to my desk and considered checking email. But I didn’t have the energy.
 

Next to my laptop was a photo of Mom and me, taken on my sixteenth birthday. We looked so happy. I picked it up to get a closer look and noticed her handwriting on the back. Mom loved to write notes on the back of photos.

“To my Sweet Sixteener, You’re a strong, smart, and beautiful girl. I’m so proud to have you as my daughter. Don’t ever give up on your dreams! Love, Mom.”

My eyes filled with tears. I could imagine Mom saying it, like she was standing right there.
 

I looked at the photo again. It was like she was looking right back at me. I knew that if she were there, she’d tell me that it was okay to grieve, but that I couldn’t get stuck in my grief. I would have to move on.
 

I put the photo down. I could hear her voice encouraging me to be strong, telling me I could handle this. I got up and opened the shade on my window. The sun burst into my room. I felt like it was a message from Mom that things wouldn’t always seem so dark. I took the message to heart and decided not to spend the day lying in bed. Although I didn’t feel like it, I went down and had some lunch.
 

There was a small box on the kitchen table. I looked inside to find the homework assignments I’d missed. Colin must have dropped them off.
 

The homework was less than I expected. A short quiz for AP lit, some calculus problems, and reading for AP chemistry. I finished it all in a few hours, which would normally be a good thing. But it wasn’t today. I was hoping the homework would last longer to keep my mind off everything else.
 

I was bored, and boredom meant that I would start thinking about the accident again. I tried reading a book. But I couldn’t concentrate and kept having to reread the same page over and over. I went to look out the window. Some neighbor kids were throwing snowballs, making the dog next door bark uncontrollably.
 

Across the street I noticed a shiny black sedan that looked like it belonged to some car service for celebrities or rich people. The windows were tinted so dark you couldn’t see inside. The car had New York plates, which was an unusual sight in Minnesota. I looked closer and saw that the back window was open a little with a cigarette hanging out of it. I imagined a driver sitting up front, waiting for directions on where to go.

The phone rang, startling me. “Hey, Sam. Okay if I come over? I’m just leaving school.”

“Hi, Colin,” I said, still staring at the sedan. “I didn’t know it was so late. Yeah, come over.”

“Okay. See ya soon.”
 

He sounded more enthusiastic than usual, which made me think he had yet another gift or surprise in store for me. I changed out of my sweats and brushed my hair to make myself halfway presentable.

When Colin arrived, he did have a surprise: tickets to the winter formal. “I know you don’t like school dances, but this was the last day they were selling tickets. So I went ahead and got them. We don’t have to go. Or we could go and just stay an hour.”
 

He was way too excited about the dance. To be fair, Colin was way too into everything about high school—sports, dances, activities—he loved it all.
 

“It’s too soon, isn’t it?” Colin asked. “Well, it’s not for a few weeks, but that’s still too soon, right? I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have even asked. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“No, it’s okay. I’ll go.”
 

Colin gave me a huge hug. “Really? That’s great, Sam! And I talked to Allie and she’s going, too. I’m sure she’s going with Brad, but I bet she waits until the day before to tell him. You know she how she is.”

“Hey, come over here for a minute.” I led Colin to the window. “See that black car out there?”

“Yeah. What about it?”
 

“It seems odd. Don’t you think? A car like that with New York plates? Dark tinted windows? Just hanging out in the neighborhood?”