The Search (34 page)

She clung to him, wanting it to go on forever, but all too soon he drew away and turned to go down the drive. Bess stared at him as he walked away, chin to chest, hands jammed in his pockets, beautiful in the moonlight. So this is what it felt like to have your heart break.

When Billy was out of sight, Bess went back to the house, up to her room, closed the door behind her, and lay down on the bed. Her body started to shake with sobs. Once she started to cry, it was hard to stop. She cried because she had lost Billy for good. She cried because life seemed so unfair sometimes. She cried because she missed Mammi. She wanted her grandmother.

Billy walked home from Rose Hill Farm that night feeling lower than any man on earth. He hated hurting Bess like that. Her face looked so trusting, so eager to please, when she first came outside to him tonight. Unfortunately, she looked particularly pretty. Her soft white skin seemed to glow, and the light blue dress she was wearing made her eyes the color of a tropical sea.

Then, after he told her about planning to marry Betsy, her face looked as pained as if he had wounded her. It tugged at his heart, and tears came to his eyes. He had to look away so that she would not see. He wished she would have yelled at him or thrown something at him. The disappointed look on her face cut him to the quick. He had dreaded telling her about him and Betsy. What he truly feared, he realized, was hurting Bess. He could bear her anger; it was her pain he could not face.

She must have heard some gossip about him and Betsy. She must have noticed how he had been unable to meet her eye the last few weeks. But she seemed shocked by his news. It shamed him, how she always believed the best in him.

Could he be in love with two different girls at the same time? And such different girls. Bess was so full of curiosity, eyes as big as saucers, and her face would light up with excitement over new things. He found himself thinking of her at the oddest moments, when he saw a soaring Cooper’s hawk or found a hummingbird’s nest with that delicate fir bark lining its cup. He’d never forget how thrilled she was when he brought her the newspaper clipping that the United States Supreme Court agreed to hear the case of
Wisconsin vs. Yoder
. With her face lit up with happiness, she kissed the clipping and declared she was never going to have to step into a school again as long as she lived. He thought it was ironic that she was so glad to be done with school. She was the smartest girl he knew.

But then there was Betsy. He’d been crazy about Betsy for as long as he could remember. Finally, she seemed to be equally as smitten with him. They kissed every chance they got: behind the barn at gatherings, when they met on the road, in the buggy, and—best of all—when he was at her house and her parents went off to bed and they found themselves alone. He thought about kissing her before he dropped off to sleep, and it filled his mind as soon as he woke up. He lived for those moments.

So why did he often feel a painful jumble of anxiety?

He rubbed his hands over his face, exasperated. What was wrong with him? What kind of man was he?

He would have liked to have slowed things down with Betsy, but she seemed insistent to get baptized and married soon. Six months ago, he would’ve jumped at the chance to hear Betsy Mast say she would marry him. Now, it made his stomach twist up in a tight knot. In fact, it suddenly occurred to him that he hadn’t actually
asked
Betsy to marry him. They were necking down by the pond and she started talking about how nice it would be to not have to stop but to wake up in each others’ arms every morning. He must have murmured that he agreed because next thing he knew, they had a meeting set up with the bishop. He knew he had to talk to Bess before they spoke to Caleb Zook.

Billy loosened his collar. Lately it felt like it was cutting off his air supply.

Jonah could see that Bess was hurting. She was quiet and pale and her eyes were swollen like she’d been crying. These were the moments when he longed for a wife. Bess needed a mother. He hoped she would talk to Lainey about whatever was bothering her, but Lainey was taking Simon to the hospital today for a checkup. Usually, that meant a long day.

When Billy came by early today to say that he needed to quit working at Rose Hill Farm, Jonah put two and two together and had a pretty good idea about what was troubling Bess. Last week, Lainey had tipped him off that she had seen Billy with a girl in his courting buggy a couple of times lately.

He found Bess in the barn, Boomer by her side, gathering up the dry petals and stuffing them into bags. They sounded like crackly tissue paper as she stuffed. His heart went out to her. Her head was down and her shoulders slumped. He saw a dried tear on her cheek.

“Bess, I need to tell you something.”

She kept working, kept her head down.

“There’s something I’ve discovered that you and I have in common.” It was never easy for him to say things out of his heart, but there was something he needed to say. “When we love someone, we love them with our whole heart.”

She put the bag down and bent down to pat Boomer.

It’s funny, he thought, that it’s always easier to talk about important matters with our eyes turned away. He let his cane slip to the floor, leaned his hip against the table that held the rose petals, and folded his arms against his chest. “I’ve learned something this summer. I’ve learned that I have a tendency to make a person I love too important. They start filling the spot that only God should hold in my life. I did it with Rebecca, and when she passed, I felt that great void for far too long. I’ve done it with you, and when I found out that Simon was your father, I felt that void again.” He chanced a look at her. “The Lord has to keep teaching me the same lesson. To hold on a little more lightly to others and to trust him in a deeper way.”

He crossed one boot over the other. “Lainey is a good example for us. She’s always depended on God in just the right way.” He was a better person for knowing her. Lainey had an ability to make him revise his stiff attitudes—like his attitude about Simon. Or about telling Bess the truth. It was an uncomfortable process, but she was so often right. And he had nearly lost her, that night. He had held himself so close and tight, so afraid to love again after Rebecca died. “When we left to go back to Ohio, Lainey was sorry and she missed us, but she wasn’t devastated. She left us in God’s care.” He looked up at Bess. “And the Lord brought us back here, didn’t he?” But he knew that things rarely turned out nice and neatly in this life.

Bess stood and picked up a handful of rose petals, letting them slip through her fingers back onto the table. “I don’t think the Lord is going to bring Billy and me back together. He’s marrying Betsy Mast.”

So
that’s
what had happened. Jonah put his large hand over Bess’s. He wished he had better words, softer ones. “Then we can trust in God’s plan for Billy and Betsy. And trust God has another plan for you. A good plan.”

With that, Bess dove into his arms. They stood there for a while, with Jonah’s chin resting on her head, until Boomer stood abruptly, hackles raised, and let out a huge bark. He tore outside and kept barking as he ran down the drive.

“Someone must be coming,” Jonah said. “I’ll go see who Boomer is scaring half to death.” Before he turned to go, he stroked her cheek with the back of his hand. “Things have a way of turning out in the end.”

She gave him a slight smile. “That’s what Mammi used to say.”

The taxi had dropped Lainey and Simon back at her cottage from the hospital. Lainey was so happy she felt as if she were floating. She made Simon a cup of his favorite tea and told him she would be back soon, that she had an errand. She hurried up the hill to Rose Hill Farm, practically bursting with happiness. She stopped to pet Boomer at the bottom of the hill and when she looked up, there was Jonah. She walked up to him, a smile wreathing her face.

“Simon’s well, Jonah. He was given the all clear by the doctors! He still has to be tested every six months, but he can go back to living a normal life . . . whatever normal means for Simon Troyer.”

Jonah put his arms around her waist and swung her in the air, laughing. “We can finally make plans!”

“What kind of plans?” she asked him boldly when he set her down. She needed to know.

He took in a deep breath. “Plans to marry, you and me,” he said in a voice as dry as toast. “That is, if you’re willing to have me.”

When she didn’t answer, his face grew worried. He suddenly looked so earnest and vulnerable and sincere that any doubts if he loved her evaporated, like steam from a cup of hot tea. In its place swept a feeling of assurance, of safety, of tenderness, and an overwhelming love. The love she felt for him was so strong it burned her every breath.

The next moment she was in his arms and they were kissing. She thought she must be dreaming, but she felt the grip of his strong arms around her, felt the passion and warmth of his kiss. She didn’t need to hear him say the words “I love you.” She knew.

From the side door of the barn, Bess watched her father with Lainey. She couldn’t hear what was being said, but she could tell they were happy. And in love, that was plain to see. Her grandmother had spotted that from the first time they laid eyes on each other.

Boomer came charging back up the hill to join Bess and collapsed by her feet, panting heavily. When Bess saw her father bend down to kiss Lainey, she turned and closed the barn door. She knew when to leave things be. She smiled, though, as she went back to work. Wouldn’t Mammi have been pleased by this turn of events?