The Secret Diary of Ashley Juergens (13 page)

12 NOON

We were late for school this morning so I had to run up and get Amy. She said she wasn’t feeling well because she’s pregnant. I don’t think she’s feeling well because Ben still hasn’t called. Or it could be she’s made the decision to give her baby up for adoption and still has to tell Ben about it. Or it could really be because she’s pregnant. Whatever it was it has put Amy in a bad mood. But I had something to snap her out of it.

During my brief stint as a cocktail waitress, I had done pretty well and made $100 in a couple of hours. But since I had broken the law (
AGAIN
), my dad made me give my hard-earned $100 to Veronica, the cocktail waitress who hired me. She felt bad taking the money, so she gave me her ex-husband’s ring. She seemed thrilled to get rid of it and told me she’s finally ready to move on and giving the ring to me would be the final step toward closure. I’m always happy to help out in someone’s recovery process, so I took it off her hands.

Veronica and I have kept in touch since I left my job and dare I say . . . become friends. But don’t tell Mom, Dad, and Amy that. Since she’s a single mother I’ve been asking her advice on behalf of Amy and what she thinks I should do as an aunt-to-be. I’m hoping that when Amy (hopefully) decides to keep the baby, I’ll be ready. Veronica taught me how to put on diapers using an old Cabbage Patch Kid I had when I was younger. We practiced burping, bathing, and rocking the doll to sleep. Now that Amy is further along in her pregnancy, Mom and Dad don’t notice when I sneak out of the house as much. Veronica gave me the ring the last time I visited, after she taught me how to make baby food from fresh fruits and vegetables.

But I didn’t know what I was going to do with the ring until now. Poor Ben’s a married man with nothing to show for it. I mean, he has Amy, but I think he would appreciate the gesture. Once he finally calls her back.

Amy still wasn’t happy because what good is a wedding ring when your husband’s not talking to you? That was exactly Veronica’s predicament . . . and the whole child support thing. I didn’t tell Amy this. I didn’t want her to think I was giving her something cursed or a bad omen. I thought of it more as an object someone didn’t get a lot of use out of but maybe Amy could.

Amy said Dad found a couple to adopt the baby. That was fast. Who does Dad know that wants to adopt a baby? And why is he helping with this? I thought he didn’t want his grandchild to be adopted? Now all of a sudden he’s sitting in his garage plotting an adoptive parental takeover?

Amy told me the couple is Donovan and Leon and it would be an open adoption. Donovan and Leon would be great parents. I think I actually asked Donovan to adopt me at one point when I was little, so I get why Dad thought they would be a good idea. Donovan is a good person to go to for advice. He’s always encouraged me to be who I want to be. But in this case I want to be an aunt. If Amy and Mom aren’t going to budge on the adoption thing, then having someone you know and trust adopt the baby would be the next best thing to keeping him.

But I don’t think this is about trust, at least as far as Amy’s concerned. It’s about passing along the responsibility Amy should be taking. Amy likes doing this. She’s constantly doing this. And now with something big like this baby, she’s seeing it’s not so easy to pass the responsibility on to someone else.

There are so many kids out there that need good parents (
LIKE ME
!) that giving my nephew away seems like kind of a waste. Amy’s perfectly capable of taking care of this baby, and I think deep down she knows it, too.

And think of how much fun a nephew would be. Someone who can look up to me. Maybe he’d have Dad’s humor and Mom’s stability and be musical like Amy and judgmental like me. How can we let another family enjoy a person like that? I know it’s what Amy wants, but has she even thought about the person she might be giving away? Speaking of giving away . . .

Amy should be in a good mood now that she’s found good parents to adopt her baby. But she’s not because she’s thinking of Ben. Ben isn’t the person who should be on Amy’s mind right now. The baby is, so I tried to get the ring back because Amy doesn’t deserve it. But she wouldn’t let go.

Stupid Ben. I’m so mad at myself for not seeing it sooner. And I’m mad at Amy for choosing Ben over her unborn son. I don’t understand why love means having to give up something so important.

9:31 P.M.

It’s not a good day to be living in this house. Everyone (but me) agrees on the adoption and Mom and Dad (not me) have come to a mutual understanding about the divorce. They were talking about getting on with their lives when I walked into the kitchen. You know what that means. It means the new life starts and the old life becomes irrelevant. Well, I’m part of the old life and think I’m very relevant. So to make my point I opened the refrigerator and threw an egg on the ground.

I know what you’re thinking. What was that about? It must symbolize my broken family or Amy giving up her baby or my broken dreams.
WRONG
. The crazier things get around here the more dramatic you have to be to get your point across, and that usually involves props. The egg was the first thing I saw besides a watermelon when I opened the refrigerator door, and I didn’t want to throw the watermelon because that would involve a lot of cleanup and the possibility for injuries.

11:59 P.M.

Later that night I went snooping in Mom’s desk and found a list of everything she and Dad want to keep in the divorce. Mom wants the house, fully furnished; the car; and any money he’s currently hiding. Dad wants his collection of funny salt and pepper shakers, the right to take any food he wants out of the kitchen before he moves, and the option of having me live with him if that’s what I want. Unfortunately, Mom crossed that last one off. It made me feel good Dad remembered me, though. Must have been the egg smashing.

7:34 A.M.

Amy’s still Ben-sick, which is worse than any type of morning sickness I’ve ever seen. I don’t get how a guy can make you feel like that. I’ve had guys make me feel queasy because the stuff they say is so lame (Hi, Henry), but not sick to the point I’m wondering what they’re doing every second of the day and why they haven’t called me.

Dad didn’t even know that Ben and Amy have been fighting for the past week. The garage isn’t exactly a million miles away, and I know for a fact it’s not soundproof (ick), so I don’t know why he’s acting like he’s living under a rock. Of course, I’m sure being in a fight with Mom really weakens his awareness. Still, Amy never hides when she’s upset about something. Which is probably why Ben isn’t returning her phone calls.

Dad can’t imagine what is making them fight, since Ben’s been with Amy through this whole thing. I told him Ben thinks Amy might have feelings for Ricky. He didn’t believe it, but Amy did have sex with Ricky. On the other hand, when you’re pregnant your feelings and hormones are all over the place, so I wouldn’t be surprised if Ricky got hit with some emotional shrapnel. This house is quite the war zone.

Dad wanted to “nip this in the bud” and went upstairs to talk to Amy. Brave man. I didn’t want to tell him that bud’s already in bloom. And once Amy and Ben break up, it’s only a short breather until the next fight. And let me guess who will have caused it . . . the baby? Ricky?

I’m tired of my parents fighting or talking Amy down because she’s fighting. I’m tired of being the messenger of everyone’s fights. I think I’ll find my own ride to school. If anything’s worse than indoor fights it’s fights in a car that last the five miles it takes to get to school. Why just fight in one place when you can take your fights mobile?

7:56 A.M.

I’m at the bus stop now. I’m a big fan of the bus stop. It’s shady, there’s a bench, and I’m not surrounded by people arguing. If it weren’t for the morning traffic, it would almost be . . . peaceful. Someone’s coming and he’s trying to act cool. This should be annoying—

8:20 A.M.

I’m back. I wasn’t thrilled when I saw who was approaching. It was a guy. I’ve had enough of guys complicating my sister’s life, and I’m not really looking for a friend at the moment. Okay, I never am. But he ended up being kind of nice. He goes to my school. He transferred last year and seemed kind of hurt I didn’t remember him. How can he expect me to remember him? He’s wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses and trying to act cool. That’s every kid at my school. And also Amy’s pregnancy has been kind of distracting me lately. Of course, this guy Thomas already knew about Amy.

He told me his dog died. I felt sorry for him, so I let my defenses down. I can’t compete with a dead pet. He offered me a cigarette. I wanted to ask him if his dog had died from secondhand smoke, but I realized it wasn’t the right time (see, I’m getting better!).

I took the cigarette but not to smoke it. I was going to hold it and then throw it in the trash can as a dramatic gesture. I was thinking about this when Dad and Amy pulled up. Amy looked shocked and my dad looked upset (mobile fighting!). He asked if I was taking the bus (the bus stop must have blown my cover), then pulled away.

I know what you’re thinking. I’m in trouble. But I’m not. My dad knows I don’t like smoking. He’s annoyed I left the house and that I’m holding a cigarette, but he knows Amy’s more likely to get pregnant than I am to smoke. Thomas seemed to understand because he tossed the cigarettes. That’s the only thing that bothers me about Rod Serling. I think the Twilight Zone should be a nonsmoking zone, too.

Thomas wanted me to skip school with him. Let’s make it the next 4
1
⁄
2
years and I’m in. With Amy knocked up I could probably get away with it, and he seemed nice enough, but I couldn’t because I was waiting for Ben.

That’s right. I called Ben. When your name’s not Amy he picks up the phone right away. Ben’s actually not a hard guy to talk to, so I don’t understand how he and Amy got into a fight in the first place. Yes, I do—it’s Amy. Like any guy, Ben needs to learn that even when he’s not wrong, he still has to say he’s sorry. He can be sorry he and Amy are fighting, and if Amy thinks he’s accepting blame then who cares about the specifics. And I know Ben can do it. He apologized right away for being late. It slipped out no problem. He even offered to drop me off at school and have his driver write a note so I wouldn’t get in trouble for being late. Ben’s a giver.

I told him he needs to go over to our house and apologize to Amy before she and Ricky sign the adoption papers. He said he couldn’t do that. I think he feels partly to blame for the mess we’re in. Not Amy getting pregnant (we all know who’s responsible for that), but trying to be a part of something he’s not. It’s easier for two people to make a decision than three. And he is the ultimate third wheel in this situation. He told me he would rather put his feelings aside for the moment.

I found that to be very amusing. How can someone put their feelings aside when they were just put on full display at Albertson’s Wedding Chapel?

And do you know how I know they were on display? Because I
WITNESSED
it. Even though the state doesn’t recognize it, I do. I have two eyes. I took part in the ceremony. And it wasn’t Amy and Ricky up there holding hands and saying their vows, it was Amy and Ben. So for Ben to put his feelings aside for Amy and Ricky at this point is not an option. Not when he married my sister and threw a reception (with okay food and really bad dancing) to celebrate those feelings in the first place.

Ben countered with the whole “we changed our minds” argument. I told him Amy hasn’t changed her mind about him. He may think Amy has feelings for Ricky (and let’s face it, I did, too) but that’s probably because everything would be easier if Amy did have feelings for Ricky. But Amy fell for Ben. And the truth is Ben is the best thing for Amy and the best thing for the baby. The two go hand in hand. I see it, why doesn’t everyone else see it? I witnessed a lot more than their wedding at Albertson’s. I witnessed the kind of person Ben is and the kind of person he is with Amy and the kind of person Amy is with him. He has earned a place in the baby’s life and a say in the decisions made about it.

Ben didn’t really comment on anything I said but I have a feeling he’ll come around. At least, that’s what I’m counting on.

Since the high school is closer to the bus stop, Ben’s driver dropped him off first. I told him he was right about Ben being a good guy. He could tell I was still worried about Ben not talking to Amy, so he asked if I was in any hurry to get to school. I said I never was. So we got some coffee and talked. He told me about Ben’s mother dying five years ago and how he’s just starting to come to terms with it. Ben didn’t have a choice whether his mom died or not, and he doesn’t want to force Amy or her baby to make a choice between him and the rightful father, Ricky. He said one reason Ben might be pushing Amy away is because he’s afraid she will eventually leave him for Ricky.

We went to the car wash and talked while the car got washed and waxed. He asked about that other guy I was talking to at the bus stop. I said his name is Thomas and I wasn’t sure what I thought of him yet. He said looks can be deceiving, that I look intimidating but am easy to talk to. He told me to give Thomas a chance, and then he signed my late note for school. As I got out of the car he told me, “Ashley, you’re doing just fine, in case anyone hasn’t told you lately.” I said thanks and hurried into school before I started tearing up. Again with the crying!

Later I got to thinking how I started this school year with no friends. Now I have three: Reverend Stone (aka Brian), Veronica, and now Ben’s driver. I really should get that guy’s name, since we’re friends and all. And I have my nephew to thank for them.

Thomas, the guy from the bus stop, called me and we ended up talking all night. He admitted that he never takes the bus. He sat down at the bus stop only because he saw me sitting there. He usually walks alone to school. I wasn’t sure if he was telling the truth or not. He really tries to act cool, even on the phone. I bet he wore his leather jacket and shades for the whole conversation. I hate when people try so hard, but I didn’t tell Thomas because (and I would never admit this out loud) I like having a friend at school, even though I’ve never actually seen him around school. It still counts. And I like that he listens; I need someone to listen to me right now. And it was quiet tonight because I wasn’t helping Amy or catching my parents up on her latest drama. I was just lying around and hearing a different point of view. Even if that point of view has to act like he’s so suave. And as an added bonus, he doesn’t make me queasy. But he doesn’t make me Ben-sick either.

Speaking of illness, I couldn’t really stomach listening in on the meeting between Amy and Ricky and Donovan and Leon. Don’t get me wrong, I
LOVE
Donovan. Anyone who can put up with my dad for eight hours a day (at least) and keep an even temperament can certainly take care of a baby. And Leon seems pretty cool, too. But it should be Ben and Amy meeting with them or, better yet, Ben and Amy deciding together they don’t want to give my nephew up for adoption.

Before their meeting, I had a chance to catch up a little with Donovan. He took one look at me and knew I wasn’t happy about this adoption thing. I told him he was right, but it was nothing personal. He understood but said me being unhappy about the adoption doesn’t help his decision because I usually have good instincts. I told him he was right and then went to my room. But my curiosity got the better of me and eventually I walked into the kitchen and caught Mom listening in.

She was pretty upset. She felt Ricky was deliberately sabotaging the interview. In my brief time knowing Ricky, it seems he likes to sabotage his life in general. He’s certainly done a number on this family. But in this case it’s working for a good cause, so I say we give the guy a break. I’m just relieved Mom didn’t overhear Donovan and me talking earlier.

When the meeting broke up, I was getting nervous that Ben wouldn’t show. But when the doorbell rang, I knew it was him. Amy was angry Ben would rather show up and disrupt everything than return her calls. So he likes making dramatic gestures. Amy does, too. I should have tossed her an egg for added effect. But instead Mom, Dad, and I waited in the kitchen.

Ben gave Amy the biggest speech of his fifteen-year-old life. Ben’s driver promised if Ben decided to finally come over and talk to Amy, he would go over with Ben what he should say on the ride over to make sure Ben had it down pat. And it showed. It was way better than anything he said at his Albertson’s wedding. He loves Amy, he’s a part of her life, he’s a part of the baby’s life, he’ll take care of them, and he’s the father—just not the biological one. He said he fell in love with her before he knew she was pregnant and nothing that’s happened since has changed his feelings for her.
IT WAS GREAT
.

And Amy’s reaction?

“I’ll think about it.”

Oh, Amy. If you only knew all the man hours I’ve put into making sure this moment took place. All you had to do was say yes. . . .