The Secret Five and the Stunt Nun Legacy (18 page)

‘I’ll tell her,’ volunteered Daniel. ‘I’m very good at telling.’ He turned to Old Hag and said, firmly yet softly, ‘We don’t know.’

‘Ha!’ cackled Old Hag, dragging Bartle by the hand. ‘I don’t believe you! Come on, Bartle. Let’s go and find the lovely Clarissa and you two can chat a bit. Then you’ve got some serious canoodling to do.’

‘What’s canoodling?’ whispered Amy to Betty as they watched Old Hag and Bartle scurry away.

‘It’s the bit that comes before conception, or so I hear,’ said Betty knowingly.

‘Oh,’ said Amy, thinking very hard inside her head. ‘Remind me again what conception is?’

‘No time for that now!’ cried Daniel. ‘There’s an Old Hag to catch! Look! She’s seen Clarissa! Come on!’

This was becoming exciting! No, really it was!! Thrusting his way through a needless outbreak of exclamation marks, Daniel
hared after Old Hag, who was dragging poor Bartle along at quite a pace. But just then, or round about then, something else happened! A posh lady, dressed in a nun’s outfit with a guitar around her neck, leapt out in front of Old Hag, tripped her up, and sent her flying to the ground! Off came Old Hag’s West Brom bobble hat as she tumbled headlong into some quite long Austrian grass, just avoiding flattening the sole specimen of an unknown sub-variety of edelweiss, and so preserving the extraordinary and unique flower for future generations.

Bartle took one look at Old Hag sprawled on the ground (or it might have been two looks without a gap between), frowned all over his head, then ran as fast as he could up the lane back to town. He looked very scared indeed, and very bald. Old Hag struggled to her feet and searched frantically for her precious bobble hat in the long grass, trampling to death the sole specimen of that unknown sub-variety of edelweiss in the process.

When they saw her struggling and searching, how the children laughed!
¹

The posh nun with the guitar wandered over to the children. ‘Well I never!’ she said, although she had, so that was a whopper. ‘I thought so! Bob told me you were here, but I didn’t believe him. You’re The Secret Five! Super-duper! I’ve heard all about you and your adventures! You are definitely one of my favourite things, apart from whiskers on kittens, of course.’

The children didn’t know what to make of this nun with curlers in her hair under her wimple.

‘I believe that we don’t know what to make of you,’ said Betty, ‘but thank you for leaping out and stopping Old Hag from going about her devious task.’

‘Think nothing of it,’ said the posh nun. ‘Which you probably won’t anyway. I could see that you needed help in your little adventure.’

‘Are you a stunt nun as well?’ asked Amy, quite stupidly.

The posh nun laughed but it was only a semi-posh laugh as she was off-duty. ‘You’re a lamb, my dear, but no,’ she said. ‘That’s just Clarissa, who does all the dangerous things for me, like running down hillsides, climbing trees, dancing around fountains, and tasting my food in case one of my numerous enemies tries to poison me.’

‘Oh,’ said Amy, who always managed to say the right thing at the right time.

‘But please
please
tell me all about your adventures,’ said the posh nun. ‘Come over here on this grassy hillside. Sit around me and we’ll all look very enthralled. Let’s start at the very beginning.’

The children and Whatshisname all thought that was a very good place to start. They were also very pleased that they had been invited to sit around and look enthralled, as they hadn’t done that for some considerable time. They sat themselves down on the grassy hillside and told the posh nun all about their adventures, carefully omitting the one where they had unintentionally slaughtered a genial tramp and intentionally buried his remains. When they explained about Clarissa, Bartle, the devious Old Hag and the fantastically impossible time travel, the posh nun nodded her head and understood completely. She wished them well, and began to tune her guitar so she could play them some jolly ditty about bright copper mittens and warm woollen kettles, a song, she told them, that was a work-in-progress.

But just then she stopped, looked, stopped looking, looked again, then said, ‘Isn’t that Clarissa, down there by those typical Austrian trees? Talking to someone bald who looks rather like your friend Bartle?’

They all looked and, sure enough, down there by the trees, there was Clarissa talking to someone who looked like Bartle! Old
Hag was standing by them, trying to pull them closer together and struggling to put on her bobble hat.

‘Oh no!’ exclaimed Betty. ‘Not only does he look like Bartle, it
is
him!’

‘Woof woof woof,’ said Whatshisname, who was becoming worried that his part was slipping away.

The children all jumped up, ready to spring into immediate action. ‘Sorry! We are ready to spring into immediate action and must go and run after them,’ said Betty to the posh nun. ‘But thank you so much for enthralling us.’

‘Erm, is that it?’ the posh nun asked, an overly-posh frown appearing on her posh nun’s forehead. ‘I’m quite sure I’m contracted to do more than this, you know.’

‘Sorry about that,’ Betty said. ‘Maybe you can appear in the next adventure. We’ll have a quiet word. For now, you can sing a little song as we run away if you like.’

‘Oh, well,’ the posh nun said. ‘Then I don’t feel so bad. I suppose that will have to do.’ She cleared her throat. ‘Doe . . .’ she sang.

And that was enough to drive the children away. ‘Come on, run, before we’re caught up in the sheer magic and sugary sentiment of the song!’ urged Daniel. ‘We must stop Clarissa and Bartle from . . . conceptualising! And, look! They’ve both got handy bicycles! If we’re not careful, we’re going to lose them as they pedal off down the lane and round the corner!’

The five of them scampered towards Clarissa and Bartle but, as they got nearer, Old Hag saw them! Waving her skinny arms about, she made the pair jump quickly onto their bicycles and, before very long, as predicted, the children had lost them as the two pedalled off down the lane and round the corner. Old Hag tottered after them.

‘Blow!’ said Amy.

‘I was going to say
blow
!’ moaned Ricky, frowning such a huge frown that, if he had been wearing spectacles, they would
surely have fallen off and been trampled underfoot by a passer-by who, to be honest, should have been more careful and watched where he was walking.

‘Does he have to do all that?’ moaned Daniel.

‘What? Who?’ asked Amy.

‘I mean,’ said Daniel. ‘Here we are, about to experience a failed mission, and all he can think of is Ricky’s frowning and moaning, and a fictitious clumsy passer-by!’

Ricky was looking more sullen by the minute. ‘That is positively the last time I frown and moan!’ he moaned, frowning. ‘And this seems a good opportunity to speak my mind about our treatment. Firstly, I’m fed up of . . .’

In which they meet a kindly old Austrian lady in yet another teashop; Heidi the three-legged lamb is mentioned; a hotel receptionist successfully consults her guest book; Whatshisname has to feint a faint and then nibbles at a buttock or two.

‘See?
That
is the very reason why I left the story before!’ said Ricky, indignantly. ‘It’s quite unacceptable, and I haven’t eaten anything of note for at least forty pages! I’m going to quit again!’

‘Ricky!’ pleaded Betty. ‘Please stay.’ She placed a hand – her own hand – on Ricky’s shoulder. ‘I tell you what, Ricky, as a concession I’ll let you sneak a peek down my top when I’m not looking. And I think I’m falling in love with you a bit, and probably couldn’t go on without you. Or maybe not. But if you go, I go!’

‘What? Okay!’ agreed Ricky rather too quickly. ‘Then perhaps, given those circumstances – especially the concessionary sneaky peek – I’ll consider staying.’

‘Never mind all that!’ said Daniel, taking control as if he were a bespectacled adult. ‘We have to catch them! They’re heading for town, probably back to the hotel where they’ll soon start some unsupervised unprotected canoodling. We need to be fast!’

‘Yes!’ said Ricky excitedly. ‘Just like a Rapid Response Team!’

‘Exactly!’ said Daniel.

‘Right,’ said Betty, ‘let’s first find a teashop for Ricky to have something to eat, then we’ll find some rapid response bicycles and follow them!’

‘Good idea!’ said Amy.

They started to walk quickly towards town, stopping on the way to help a man and a lady with a puncture on one of their
bicycles. Eventually, Amy spotted an Austrian teashop. ‘Look!’ she said, pointing with her best pointing finger. ‘A teashop for Ricky!’

‘Yes!’ said Ricky eagerly. ‘And a friendly little old Austrian lady in a pinafore standing waiting for us! This is just like home! I wonder if she’ll have some bicycles for us to borrow.’

Still wondering, they stepped inside the teashop, where the little old Austrian lady in a pinafore gave them a cheery Austrian welcome.

‘You must be The Secret Five!’ she said, cheerily welcoming them in perfect broken English. ‘I’ve heard all about you from my niece in England.’

‘Oh, gosh!’ said Daniel. ‘Whereabouts in England does your niece live?’

‘You wouldn’t know her,’ said the little old Austrian lady in a pinafore. ‘She runs a teashop near Lower Downs. Her husband has a very valuable collection of very old fossilised bones of which he is very proud. They’re his pride and joy, but he has a bit of a temper, just like my own dear husband, bless his cursed soul. I fear that my niece’s life will end in a rather gruesome fashion sometime in the distant future.’

‘Woof woof woof,’ Whatshisname said, quite happily.

‘Never mind, eh?’ said Betty. ‘Now, have you any tasty sultana scones, zesty carrot cordial and some bicycles to help us on our way?’

‘Of course, my dears,’ the little old Austrian lady in a pinafore said. ‘Come on in! You all look as though you need some food inside you. Especially the ugly boy.’

Ricky looked at Daniel sympathetically and Daniel looked at Ricky sympathetically. They followed the girls and Whatshisname into the shop, where the little old Austrian lady in a pinafore made them a lip-smacking tea. She also gave Whatshisname a nice big leg of lamb to chew on with relish, which made him choke a little bit, but that doesn’t really matter, does it now?

Very soon the children were cycling quite steadily into town, on quite steady bicycles provided by the little old Austrian lady in a pinafore. She had cheerily waved them off from her doorstep,
wondering what her little old Austrian husband would say about the loss of another brand new set of bicycles and the depleted state of his favourite lamb, Heidi, a lamb that meant more to him than life itself and which he had recently entered into the forthcoming Annual Salzburg, Bletchley & District Stocky-Hooved Horned Mammal Show, in which he had an excellent chance of retaining both the prestigious Best Working Juvenile Fully-Limbed Sheep Award and the Ultimate Agility (Burning Hoops & Hot Bed of Coals) Supreme Woolly Four-Legged Champion Award sponsored by Snuffit Fire Extinguishers Inc.

Blissfully unaware of anything, as usual, the children raced into town on their very urgent mission. Whatshisname half-trotted, half-scampered, half-ran alongside them in a deceptively faithful way. They all felt very important and serious, considering their bank balance, which was now quite healthy thanks to the spot of paid stunting work. But we don’t want to dwell too long on that, do we, otherwise some people, such as lowly-paid authors, might get a bit miffed by the utter injustice of it all, and want to seek retribution.

Eventually they reached the hotel without being run over and badly squashed by a fully-laden runaway truck, conveniently placed in the narrative, which only just missed them as it careered out of a side road, killing a benevolent greengrocer and a priest who had been chatting about plans for a substantial fundraising event for local orphans.

Anyway, they carefully threw their bicycles to the ground and raced into the hotel’s reception. It was a huge big reception, with lots of quite posh shiny bits and carpet everywhere, except on the ceiling, walls and windows.

Betty bravely went up to the lady behind the reception desk.

‘Quickly!’ she said quickly. ‘We have to save the world! We have to find Clarissa the stunt nun and Mr Bartle de Lylow! Have you seen them?’

‘I certainly have,’ replied the lady behind the reception desk, consulting her reception desk book. ‘Stunt nun, Room 405, it says
here, in quite nice writing with a beautifully crafted R. The fastest way is to take the lift up to the ninth floor, then the stairs back down to the fourth floor. And good luck, Secret Five!’

‘Okay!’ urged Ricky, sneaking an authorised peek down Betty’s top. ‘Let’s go!’

They raced to the lift and stood in front of the doors, waiting. Then Daniel pressed the button and they waited some more. Meanwhile, Whatshisname had found the stairs and was already waiting patiently for them on the fourth floor.

Eventually the children reached the fourth floor and were walking carefully towards Room 405 when, quite suddenly, Daniel said, ‘Stop!’

They stopped, and what a blow! They saw Old Hag standing guard outside Room 405!

‘Bother!’ said Betty. ‘She’s standing guard outside Room 405! I knew we shouldn’t have stopped at that teashop. It’s a habit we must break, although we do appear to give tremendous and long-lasting pleasure to the little old lady owners, it must be said.’

‘What shall we do now?’ said Amy. ‘Bartle and Clarissa must be in there.’

‘I think a meeting is called for,’ suggested Daniel. ‘So that we can decide what to do.’

‘No!’ said Ricky, quite fiercely for a boy with a hint of athlete’s foot. ‘No more meetings! I’m sick of meetings, they make me really grumpy, so I don’t think we should have any more! Ever! And certainly no privileges.’

Amy was shocked! ‘But Ricky,’ she said shockingly, ‘if we don’t have meetings, how else can we decide what we’re going to do?’

‘I tell you what I’m going to do,’ said Betty, firmly taking charge. ‘I’m going to somehow get Whatshisname to distract her, then burst into the room using this master key that I just found in my hand.’