The Secret Life of Daydreams (26 page)

When the sun rose higher, he straightened and took a deep breath.

He hadn’t been to church in six years, but he’d go for Paulo.

Sofia sat next to Margarida and Amélia in the chapel. Paulo sat to the other side of Margarida and every few minutes his knees bounced until his wife set a calming hand on him. He grabbed her fingers and gave them a squeeze and she smiled sweetly at him. No words needed between those two.

Although nothing had been said, Sofia suspected some changes were forthcoming. She hadn’t had the chance to discuss with Margarida but the attendance of Paulo’s family visiting from Lisbon pointed to an announcement.

“Is this seat taken?” a deep male voice said to her right.

Josh. Her heart skipped a beat. “It’s free.” She turned and looked up with a ready smile.

Paulo stood and he and Josh did the shoulder-pat kind of hug exclusive to guys and exchanged some hushed words. Josh scooted the chair next to her and sat down. Sofia couldn’t stop smiling, unable to say anything. A glimmer of hope rose in her chest. Did she dare feel any hope at all? It had to mean something that he was in church.

He draped a hand behind the back of her chair and leaned over to brush a kiss on her temple. “Como estás, Sofia?”

“Bem. Estou bem.” She reached for his hand and held it. Sure, the members in the ward would be talking about them after this little display, but she didn’t care.

When the new bishopric was announced and they took their places behind the podium, Sofia took Margarida’s shoulders in a side hug. Margarida, the bishop’s wife.

Josh had come to church and he looked too good in his navy slacks and white shirt with a striped silver tie. All through the meeting Sofia glanced at him for signs that he wanted to leave. But he was relaxed, like he fit in and had not been away from a meeting in over six years.

When the sacrament tray came to their row, Josh passed it to Sofia without partaking. She caught his eyes but his expression was neutral. At the end of sacrament meeting, Josh rose and stepped aside. Sofia stood beside him, hoping he wasn’t leaving yet. After Paulo made it to Margarida and his family through the members offering congratulations, he reached to touch Josh’s shoulder.

“You’re staying for the other meetings, right? I’m being set apart right after,” he said to Josh.

Josh smiled and shook hands with Paulo, the hesitation barely visible. “Of course.”

Paulo nodded and moved on, and Josh let out a small breath after he left.

Sofia had questions but they’d have to wait. Josh kept her company through Sunday school and then went to priesthood meeting with Paulo.

After the block of meetings the stake presidency was present for the setting apart of each member of the bishopric. Josh was already waiting by the door when Sofia came and he reached for her hand. Her heart skipped a beat when they touched and her skin tingled. She suppressed a sigh and looked over to Josh but he didn’t notice the effect he had on her.

Some of the members had recognized him from his mission days but he’d fended most questions with a simple “Estou de visita,” not giving any chances for catching-up conversations. That was the only signal from him that perhaps he wasn’t as comfortable as he appeared.

When the setting apart was over, Josh and Sofia walked over to Paulo and Margarida and congratulated them briefly, making room for the people behind them. Josh held her hand firmly. Maybe a little too tightly.

Paulo stopped them. “Don’t forget about lunch at our place.”

Josh held a thumbs up. “Sure thing. We’ll be there.”

Once out on the parking lot, he relaxed, but didn’t let go of her hand. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have replied for you.” He turned his eyes on her. “But I’m assuming you’re going?”

She nodded. “For a little bit at least. It depends on how Mother is doing.”

Josh surveyed the parking lot. “Where’s your car?”

“I walked this morning.”

“Can I give you a ride?”

“Sure.”

Josh opened the door to her and let her in, then went around the front. As he sat behind the wheel, he undid the top button of his shirt and slipped off the tie. Then he rested his hands on the steering wheel and let out a long, deep breath.

Sofia turned to him. “So, how do you feel?” Her hands tightened onto her purse a little more strongly than needed.

Josh pulled out of the parking spot and glanced at her, his eyebrow quirked. “How do I feel about what?”

A little twinge of warning dashed through her and she tamped it down. “About the meetings and the ward.” She kept her gaze on his profile and he stared straight ahead.

A muscle twitched in Josh’s jaw. “The meetings were fine.”

Fine? Was that all he had felt? “But how did it feel to be back in church?”

Josh looked sharply at Sofia. “Excuse me?” The tension in his voice should have stopped her.

She brought her hands up, frustrated this was not going the way she’d envisioned. “I just want to know how you felt being back to church after all this time.”

Josh didn’t say anything for a moment, his hands gripping the wheel as if he planned to yank it from the column.

He shook his head. “Sofia.” He parked in front of her building and set the break forcefully. “Paulo’s my best friend and being called as a bishop is a big deal.” His hands remained on the wheel and he turned to look back at her. “I went to church to support him. Can you understand that?”

There had to be more. He couldn’t have just gone to church after all this time and not felt anything, could he? Her little bit of hope began to slip. “Yes, I can understand that you wanted to support Paulo.”

Josh turned to her. “Good. Then we’re done talk—”

“What I don’t understand is your neutrality about attending church today.” She interrupted him.

Josh glanced at her. “Why do you keep bringing this up?”

Although he didn’t raise his voice, the tension in his words was unmistakable.

“Because I want to know how you really feel about it.” Why wouldn’t Josh open up to her?

His mouth pursed in a tight line for a moment. “No, you don’t, Sofia. You want me to tell you what you want to hear, and that’s not going to happen.”

Her heart twisted and she didn’t say anything, unable to find the right words to persuade Josh to change his mind.

He blew out a frustrated sigh. “As I was trying to say, we’re done talking about this topic.” His words were controlled and his voice low. Without waiting for her reply, he exited the car and came around to open the door for her.

Sofia’s shoulders slumped. Had she pushed him too far again? She stepped onto the sidewalk, and after Josh closed the door, he leaned against the car, his arms crossed. He wasn’t accompanying her to the door today.

She turned to the building but then turned back to Josh. “Thanks for the ride.”

He nodded.

Once inside the building’s foyer, Sofia paused to watch Josh go around the front of the car. He couldn’t see her but she could see him and the way he shook his head before opening his door.

He couldn’t have made himself more clear about his feelings for the church. It was hopeless, and that made Sofia mad. Because she couldn’t help Josh change his mind and because she cared so much about it, about him.

Why had she kissed him on that darned night? It would take her a lifetime to forget about it.

After dismissing Nurse Antónia and preparing lunch for Mother, Sofia called Margarida.

“Can you talk?” she asked when Margarida answered with a sunny hello.

A door closed before she replied. “I can now. What’s the matter?”

“Is Josh there?”

“He just walked in about ten minutes ago. Do you need him to come pick you up?”

“No, don’t ask him anything. I can’t come anyway. There’s no one to watch Mother.” Sofia sighed. “Josh and I had an argument when he gave me a ride after church.”

“Oh Sofia,” Margarida said. “What happened?”

She closed her eyes and rubbed a spot on her forehead. “I asked him how he felt about the church meetings this morning.”

“You didn’t.”

The noise of a knock on a door came through the phone.

“Yep, I did. I’ll tell you later. Go back to your guests.”

“Okay, I will if you promise to tell me everything,” Margarida said.

“Promise. And sorry I can’t come.”

“You have a good excuse. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

Sofia palmed the phone after they hung up. She sat for a few minutes, not knowing what to do. From her seat on the sofa, the bookshelves across the room appeared too crowded. She’d have to fix that later.

One of the few things in her life that could be fixed. She kept messing up everything else.

* * *

His feet pounded on the road at a steady rhythm and his breathing matched each time he pumped his legs against the asphalt and up the incline. The sweat flowed down the center of his back and the sides of his face, mixing with the morning breeze to cool him down. Right foot, left foot. Short inhale, long exhale. Repeat.

Josh had run more in the past few days since his near-argument with Sofia than in the past few months combined. It took him about two hours to run from his hotel to the eastern hills and back. In the early morning, when traffic was lighter and most people were still in bed, it was easy to forget how much he missed her.

The hope he’d had before that he and Sofia could ever be together was gone. Their expectations were too divergent. At least he’d learned from his past mistakes and knew better than to start a relationship on such conditions. If only he hadn’t kissed her. That was going to be hard to forget.

How did it feel to be back in church?
Sofia’s question still rang in Josh’s mind.

He wouldn’t have said no to Paulo, but he’d made a mistake staying for the block of meetings. The three longest hours in his recent past. It had been familiar to him but it had also been so much more foreign. He was the outsider looking in, a mere spectator who was unworthy of participating and who had no business being there. And, for some reason, Sofia thought he should have different feelings about it.

Definitely not the kind she wanted. He didn’t belong in the church anymore, not with the decisions he’d made with the divorce and after. Instead, he’d made a new life for himself, away from the reminders of his life before, away from things he didn’t want anymore. And that was the way it had to be.

Then why couldn’t he just move on and get her out of his thoughts? He spent the rest of the day trying to distract himself with work and failing quite spectacularly.

Against his better judgment, Josh had asked Paulo for the name of the café where Sofia worked. It was located in the historic downtown area and it had an outdoor seating area under white parasols. He ducked into the shade of a nearby building and waited.

Why did his chest squeeze at the sight of her? His own heart betrayed him. He watched her from afar as she came in and out of the establishment, carrying out pastries and drinks on a round platter and carrying in the dirty plates and glasses, back and forth, with a large smile on her face and wearing a black skirt that hugged her curves. He stepped back so she wouldn’t see him.

He liked to punish himself, that was for sure. She hadn’t tried to contact him since Sunday but he couldn’t blame her, not after his reaction to her words.

Josh left after a few minutes to photograph some historic buildings with façades covered in traditional Portuguese tiles. There were enough of them to make a catalog, another project if he had the time.

He returned at the end of her shift, when she left the café in the direction of the English-styled gardens next door. The sun had just dipped behind the western buildings and the street lights had come on, one of his favorite times of day. She sat on a stone bench and pulled out her phone.

His phone pinged and he got it out from his pocket.

Are you coming to say hi or just to watch me from afar?

Oops. Not as stealthy as he thought.

He walked over to the bench, taking his time and trying to think of what to say to her.

Sofia had a little smile on her face. “You didn’t really think I couldn’t see you, did you?”