The Secret Life of Daydreams (31 page)

Josh drove up to the main door. “I’m going to drop you off here while I park.” He looked at her. “But please wait for me in the foyer.”

“I’ll be all right.”

“I’m sure you will, but this is your first time outside. Plus, it’s a stressful situation.” A car behind them honked. “Please, for my peace of mind.”

The concern in his eyes and the pleading in his voice undid her last resolve, and she nodded.

Sofia walked to the reception desk and inquired about Mother. Then she found a seat nearby and waited for Josh, catching her breath. Her head didn’t hurt as much anymore but the dizziness was a problem, more than what she was willing to admit to him.

Josh walked in a few minutes later and when he made eye contact with her, his shoulders visibly relaxed and his face opened in a smile.

“Thanks for waiting for me, Sofia.” He took her hand and she stood. “Are you feeling okay?”

Holding hands with him, yes. “I am.”

They took the elevator to the fifth floor. As the doors opened, a sense of dread filled her heart. Sofia stopped. The nurse’s station was halfway down the brightly illuminated hallway, flanked by closed bedrooms on each side. At the opposite end, someone moaned loudly. Closer, someone else sang a prayer to the Virgin Mary. Sofia’s heart skipped a beat and her hands started sweating. Why had they placed Mother in a mental institution?

Josh squeezed Sofia’s hand and when they reached the desk, his arm came around her waist. He had no idea how much she needed his support.

“I’m here to see Manuela Monteiro.”

The nurse wore a white uniform. “You may have a few minutes with her before the doctor comes.”

Josh and Sofia followed her to a room on the left side and the nurse pushed the door open for them. It wasn’t locked but there was an alarm on the jamb that she must have deactivated before leaving the desk. The nurse looked pointedly at Josh but didn’t say anything.

Sofia paused at the door. The bedroom was small with a single window and a metal bed. An unadorned cross hung on the wall directly in front, just as it had in the other hospital where Sofia had been. Mother lay on the bed staring ahead unseeing, her arms over the white sheets. She looked so different from the Mother Sofia had known. So absent.

“Do you want me to leave?” Josh whispered in her ear.

Sofia startled and placed her fingers over her trembling mouth. “Can you please stay right here?” She couldn’t do this alone.

There was a wooden chair by the door. Josh nodded then gave her a side hug and kissed her forehead before sitting down. His touch was a balm to her.

Drawing on the bravery she didn’t have, Sofia took a deep breath and put a smile on her face. “Mãe? Sou eu, a Sofia.”

Josh stood and pulled up another chair behind her and Sofia sat close to the bed. She reached for Mother’s hand. “I’m sorry I couldn’t come earlier.”

There was no response, no sign of recognition. The sallow undertone weighed on Mother’s skin as if she’d been there longer than the six days. How had Mother gotten to this state in less than a week? And what kind of medication was she on?

Sofia caressed Mother’s hand and talked to her about the weather outside and the garden by the café and her work as a waitress. She filled the air with happy words and cheery smiles, but Mother didn’t reply, didn’t even look at her. With every word she said, Sofia’s heart sank deeper and deeper, the thread of hope, thinner and thinner. The tears welled inside her and she fought them stubbornly. She wouldn’t cry in front of Mother.

The nurse knocked on the open door. “The doctor will see you now.”

Sofia nodded and stood. Leaning heavily on the bed, she kissed Mother’s cheek. “I’ll be back for you, mãe.”

Josh was at her side for the short walk to the office. The doctor indicated the chairs but didn’t stand. “You’re Manuela Monteiro’s daughter?”

“I am.”

He turned to Josh but Josh spoke before the doctor. “I’m with her.” He leaned towards Sofia and took her hand, giving her the comfort she so badly needed.

The doctor opened a folder and read from it. “Your mother came to us following a domestic accident. Upon arrival, she was evaluated and diagnosed with severe dementia, which is a symptom of advanced Alzheimer’s. She poses a risk to herself and others and was admitted to this facility for long-term care.”

“But why here?”

“Excuse me?” The doctor lifted his eyes from the folder.

“Why does she have to be here in the mental ward?” There had to be another place.

“This is the safest place for violent patients like her.” The doctor looked back down at the papers.

“But she’s not violent.”

“She was when she arrived.” He shuffled through the papers. “Didn’t she attack you?”

Sofia sighed. “I—I can’t remember.” Josh gave her hand a squeeze and she took strength from the contact. “I suffered a concussion.”

The doctor nodded. “Right. As I said, violent patients respond well to the therapy we administer here.”

“You mean she’s heavily medicated.” Sofia sat up and squared her shoulders.

“Her violent behavior is under control.”

“She’s catatonic,” she countered.

“Which is a normal progression of the disease.”

“Can you have her transferred to another floor?”

He shook his head. “We’re beyond capacity.”

“To another place?”

“Not a government-run facility. They’re all full and the waiting list takes months, if not years.”

“What if I choose to take her to a private facility?”

“That is your choice, obviously. But please be advised that the transfer fees are also your responsibility.”

Sofia nodded. “How soon can I have her transferred?”

“With a signed authorization of admission from the facility’s director, it takes one to two days.”

Sofia rose. “Please have the paperwork started. I’ll be back tomorrow.”

“Very well.”

Josh stood beside her. His hand had never left hers.

Somehow she made it down to the foyer. Josh had her wait on a bench while he got the car and then came for her. The numbness inside her spread to her limbs and Sofia shivered, cold as she was. He drove to a corner of the parking lot and parked.

“Come here.” Josh undid their seat belts, scooted to edge of his seat, and wrapped his arms around her. The car was too small for his large frame, and the space cramped and awkward with the parking brake and gears between their seats. But the hug was wonderful and wanted, and Josh held her to him until his warmth promised to thaw the hopelessness in her heart.

When they arrived at her apartment, Josh walked Sofia to her bedroom, sat her at the edge of the bed, and removed her shoes. He returned a few moments later with a glass of water and her medicine and coaxed her to take them. Then he leaned back against the headboard and brought her next to him, to the circle of his arms. She was safe with Josh and at last the tears broke free. In the shelter of his embrace, Sofia cried until spent.

“I failed her.” She hiccupped. “I failed her and I failed Father.”

He caressed her hair. “You’ve been doing the best you can, Sofia.”

No, she could’ve tried harder. “Father asked me before he died.” Josh reached for the tissues on the bedside table and gave her one. Sofia mopped her eyes. “He asked me to watch her, to keep her in my care until she passed. In the comfort of her bedroom, with her favorite things.”

“You did keep her with you.”

Not as long as Mother needed. At the memory of the cold, stark room where Mother was, Sofia cried again. “I need to find a better place for her, with better care.” She would break the other promise to Father, but she could start over. No matter the cost involved, Mother deserved a sunny place where they’d care for her now that Sofia couldn’t. As soon as possible.

Sofia tried to rise but Josh held her. “I’ll help you find a place and I’ll drive you anywhere you want, but you need to rest first.”

“No, I can’t.” How could she rest with Mother in that awful place?

“Just a short nap before lunch. Then we’ll go right after. I promise.” His voice was gentle and his words tender.

Josh reached for her pillow and helped her lie down. Sofia didn’t have the strength to fight him, tired and dizzy and with a broken heart.

The feeling of his fingers in her hair calmed her and she closed her eyes. After a few minutes, Josh dropped a kiss on her forehead and moved to rise, but Sofia grabbed his forearm. “Please stay until I fall asleep,” she said in a small voice.

He nodded and scooted down on the bed, over the cover. Then he raised his arm and Sofia laid down in the crook of his arm.

* * *

When Sofia woke up from her nap, her head was lighter, even if the ache in her heart wasn’t. She padded to the living room where Josh sat with his smartphone, and she took the place beside him. He kissed her temple and she stifled a sigh. What was she going to do when Josh left? She’d come to rely on him and his presence, like she had feared she would.

“How are you feeling?”

“A little better.”

“I’ve been doing some research while you slept.” He reached for a pad of paper with some notes.

Sofia took it and read, trying to understand the names and addresses with directions. “What is this?”

“It’s a list of private long-term facilities for patients like your mother.”

Sofia sat up and looked at Josh. “How did you find them?”

“I started searching online and calling around until I had a few leads and from those I made a list of three potential ones, but you can look at some of the others as well.” He turned the page to another list.

“Tell me about your short list,” Sofia said. “What made them stand out from the rest?”

“I crossed out the ones farther away than twenty to thirty minutes by car, and the ones that appeared institutionalized.” He stopped to look at her. “I know I didn’t talk to any of the patients or their families, but these are the three that come highly recommended and where the level of care and patient philosophy best meet your criteria.”

A tinge of hope rose in Sofia’s chest. “Go on.”

Josh set his phone in her hands and scrolled through some pictures. “I think you’ll like this one. The bedroom suites are large and sunny with private patios; they encourage personal furniture and belongings, there’s a full medical staff, they tailor the menu to each patient’s needs and likes, there’s a small chapel and a priest on site, and there are activities every day and opportunities for social interaction.” His eyes shone with enthusiasm. “And—get this—therapy dogs and cats.”

“Amazing,” she said, unable to keep the admiration from her voice.

He went on, listing the characteristics of the other two facilities, but Sofia lingered on the pictures of the first one. Sunny and personal.

“Where is this one?”

“In Guimarães.” Josh turned to his phone again. “The second one is in Famalicão and the third just outside Braga, to the north. I made appointments for the first two today and the other for tomorrow morning.”

Sofia paused and raised her eyes from the phone. She swallowed past the lump in her throat, the rise of emotion in her chest for what Josh had done for her. He’d spent two hours making her life easier and she couldn’t get the words past her lips.

“This is a lot of work,” she said.

Josh shrugged. “I know how anxious you are to get your mother out of that place. I figured I could save you some time and do some leg work while you rested.

She nodded. “You’re a great listener.” He knew exactly what she was looking for, what she wanted for Mother. And now she could jump right in and take it from there.

Sofia rose. “Let me go change.” She swayed, overcome with dizziness, and sat back down, closing her eyes.

“Hey, not so fast.” Josh touched her arm. “I know you want to have your mother transferred as soon as possible, but you need to take it easy.”

She was tired of taking it easy. But risking a fall wasn’t worth her impatience. Deep breath. “Can we stop at the bank first?” It was time to transfer her savings.

In the end, Josh’s first choice was Sofia’s favorite. Despite the hefty price, the building was what she would have picked herself and the friendliness of the staff appealed to her. After all the medical and financial paperwork was done and signed, Sofia hired a private ambulance to have Mother transferred the next morning.

With Josh’s help, she moved Mother’s favorite chair and belongings, making it as personal and familiar as possible. The few books she favored, her rosary, Father’s favorite slippers that she still wore, a photo of Sofia on the day she took communion for the first time. These and other little things that would make her new world less foreign.

When she hung her parents’ wedding day picture on the wall in front of the bed, Sofia’s heart beat lighter. The decision was bittersweet but she was willing to sign away her savings for Mother’s benefit. She could start over with graduate school or even try something completely different.

Midmorning the next day, Josh drove Sofia to the new care center in Guimarães. Mother’s new doctor had asked Sofia to come after Mother was settled in, to minimize the distractions. Sofia found her sitting by the patio door that opened to the shared courtyard garden. The sun rays fell on the rug. The difference in ambiance and setting stood out to Sofia, more so in Mother’s countenance. Her expression was relaxed and more aware of her surroundings, and to Sofia that was worth any cost, any sacrifice.