The Secret of Life Wellness: The Essential Guide to Life's Big Questions (32 page)

dishes, take out the trash, and feed the cat.” Everybody likes positive reinforcement. It

makes people more motivated and creates pleasant, relaxing sensations inside their

body. Wouldn’t you rather have someone encourage instead of criticize you?

Learn the Various Expressions

of Love That Work

There are a variety of expressions of love. Discover them. What is loving to one person

may not be to another. If you know what each of you loves, you can create a much

stronger bond.

For instance, women often need time to talk and share how they are feeling. When

they share, they rarely want a man to fix a problem; their desire is to be heard. Men can

get agitated when they feel that their advice is not welcome.

One way around this challenge is to tell a man: “I feel like I would love to share

something with you, it may take ten to fifteen minutes. I don’t really want you to help

me, I just want you to listen and empathize.” This can help him relax and listen.

Men often need space and quiet time to regenerate, so it is important to give a man

room to breathe. Sporting activities are a great way for many men to de-stress and

release pressure, tension, and frustration.

185

SeLife_interior_pgs 145–214_Layout 1 3/29/13 12:40 PM Page 186

Inna Segal

The idea is to encourage, understand, and complement each other. Questions you

might explore include: “What is my mate’s highest potential? How can I support him

or her in manifesting it?” Of course it is important to find out from them what their

present interests and goals for the future are.

You may decide to explore what you and your partner need to feel loved. For

instance, are you someone who needs sweet, loving, encouraging, affirmative words to

feel cared about? Or do you love physical touch and affection? Maybe surprises, roman-

tic dinners, poems, love notes, mysterious trips, special gifts, and unexpected serenades

thrill you? Your partner, on the other hand, might feel special when you take time to be

fully present, relaxed, and do something they love with the phone turned off and no

interruptions. Perhaps helping your mate with the household chores, shopping, or look-

ing after the kids will make him or her feel appreciated and treasured. Learning what

makes your partner tick can be the difference between an extraordinarily delicious rela-

tionship and a tired, mediocre one.

We are all capable of more passionate, intimate, sensual, unconditional love than we

give ourselves credit for. The truth is, to master any relationship to a high degree of love

and connection requires effort, practice, consideration, appreciation, empathy, wisdom,

kindness, softness, and growth, as well as the willingness to listen and communicate.

In other words, instead of trying to prove who is right, more valuable, or works

harder, find what is lovable about each other, focus on gratitude, and ask each other

how you can make your life together more joyful. Letting go of control, listening, and

becoming flexible in a relationship can make all the difference.

When a Relationship Is Destructive

In order for a relationship to work both partners must invest time, love, connection,

honesty, creativity, and energy. Although one way partnerships can be tolerable for

short periods, they often bring numbness, frustration, isolation, and suffering. Commu-

nication is the key to any healthy relationship.

186

SeLife_interior_pgs 145–214_Layout 1 3/29/13 12:40 PM Page 187

The Secret of Life Wellness

It is possible for a couple to have diverse interests and yet live in harmony with each

other, if they are willing to honor and respect each other’s differences. Yet they still

need to find a language that allows them to understand and nurture one another.

However, if your partner is abusive and only wants things their own way, and no

amount of communication, appreciation, or compassion changes their harmful

behavior, then you need to consider what your life is worth and whether leaving could

be the best solution. If you separate, it is vitally important that you work on yourself

and understand what lessons you needed to learn in your last relationship, so that you

do not attract the same experience again.

Helen’s Story: From Victim to Empowered, Courageous Woman

Helen emailed me with a desperate plea for help to save her marriage. As

Helen lives in Europe, we organized a healing session over distance. Helen

called me on Skype and shared that her husband was considering a divorce.

She felt distraught at the idea.

Helen and Trevor had been married for over twenty years and had an

eighteen-year-old son. Trevor was an important public figure and often

travelled. When they were married for just over a year, Helen found a love

letter in Trevor’s jacket. She confronted Trevor, who just brushed her away.

Helen felt rejected and betrayed. Her body reacted violently, and she

developed rashes all over. Trevor did not notice. From that moment Helen

had to force herself to have sex with Trevor, who often told her she was

ugly and useless. As Helen had no family to turn to, she just accepted the

abuse. When she became pregnant, Trevor wanted Helen to abort the child,

but Helen insisted on having the baby. She felt like that was her opportunity

to love and be loved.

Trevor became a little softer after the baby was born. He decided that

he liked the idea of having a son, although it was Helen’s job to look after

him. One day while playing with her son in the park, Helen met Jerome.

Although, like her husband, Jerome was a difficult, complex man, he paid

187

SeLife_interior_pgs 145–214_Layout 1 3/29/13 12:40 PM Page 188

Inna Segal

Helen attention and showed her some warmth and love. Jerome and Helen

had an affair for six years. However, because her husband provided financial

support, the idea of leaving him was incomprehensible. Helen also had a

deep terror of being alone. Although Helen never talked about her affair,

she lived in fear of Trevor finding out. Helen developed a serious ovarian

problems and anxiety. Her body was screaming out. She became ill with

chronic fatigue, had a nervous breakdown, and could hardly digest food.

I asked Helen if she and Trevor ever had deep discussions. Helen said that

they never really talked, and when they did, it was unpleasant and painful.

As I worked with Helen, I focused on helping her release her guilt, fear,

anger, humiliation, and shame. I helped her reconnect with her inner

strength and courage. Whenever I tuned in, I had a strong feeling that

she could make a huge contribution to society through her creativity.

I encouraged Helen to start expressing herself through art and to spend

time in nature.

I knew that Helen would not make any hasty decisions and had to

become comfortable with the idea that she was valuable and capable of

looking after herself. Slowly, Helen began changing how she saw herself.

She spent time in nature, wrote, and painted. Her work was published, and

she was invited to speak at small gatherings. As Helen began to feel more

confident, she changed her hair style, bought clothes that flattered her and

started attending various interesting functions. Although on occasion she

still felt lonely, most of the time she felt strong. She was proud of herself

for taking important steps forward, from victim to an empowered, coura-

geous woman.

I shared with Helen that we are often treated by others the way we treat

ourselves. This idea had a substantial impact on her, and she became more

loving, gentle, and caring with herself, the way she wished Trevor would be.

At the beginning, Trevor felt uncomfortable with Helen’s changes, but

as time went by he started to perceive her differently. A new level of

188

SeLife_interior_pgs 145–214_Layout 1 3/29/13 12:40 PM Page 189

The Secret of Life Wellness

respect awakened inside him, and he began paying her a different type of

attention. In fact, Helen told me he started bringing home little gifts, organ-

izing romantic dinners, and, for the first time in their marriage, actually

listening to her. Trevor even agreed to attend some programs on personal

development. During the seminars, Trevor realized how closed he had kept

his heart and how badly he had treated Helen.

Trevor and Helen decided that they were willing to forgive and get to

know each other again. They were also prepared to work with their shadow

parts, while focusing on improving their marriage. The idea was that they

would be equal partners in the relationship and give each other freedom

to explore what they needed to, while sharing their life together.

Helen tells me that although it is not always easy, she feels grateful to

be with Trevor and proud of their progress.

While Helen and Trevor were able to turn their relationship around and

forgive the abuse, there are times when a relationship may have run its

course, and the safest and healthiest thing is to leave, particularly if there is

any physical violence.

Processes for Creating Harmony in Relationships

Below are three effective processes to help you improve your relationship. The cord

clearing process in particular is really powerful, so I suggest you use it regularly to clear

energy between yourself and your partner as well as other people you are close to.

Take a New Point of View

If you would like to improve a relationship with your partner, imagine swapping places

and looking at the situation from their perspective. How do things look? Can you

understand and have compassion? If you could speak in a way they understood and felt

receptive what would you say? Try to let go of your concepts about your partner and see

them freshly. Be willing to communicate and find out what they think and how they

feel. Don’t assume that you already know. Discover how they want to be loved.

189

SeLife_interior_pgs 145–214_Layout 1 3/29/13 12:40 PM Page 190

Inna Segal

Set an Intention

Say: “Divine Healing Intelligence, please help me to release any anger, righteous atti-

tude, resentment, limited point of view and __________ [add anything else you feel]

that I am holding onto about____________ [put in name of the person and what

upsets you about what they do]. I am willing to start freshly and discover the positive

potential in ____________ [put the name of the person].

Help me see, feel, and experience harmony, understanding, care, and love in this

relationship. Please help us to resolve our differences and be open to listening, hearing,

and supporting each other. I am now willing to experience and appreciate all the

positive qualities my partner possesses. Thank you.”

Repeat the word “CLEAR” several times until you feel lighter.

Perform a Cord Clearing

Although a lot of people have been taught to cut or sever cords or ties, I don’t believe

that it is a healthy practice. First, because you cannot slice energy, and second, because

even the intention of cutting the cord can reawaken your birth trauma, when the cord

between you and your mother was severed. From experience, I believe that the gentlest

and kindest way to transform a challenging relationship is to release any negativity

from the cords and then through color and intention infuse healthy, positive energy.

This is a simplified version of a very powerful and effective process I teach in my work-

shops to transform difficult relationships. Use it with your partner when you feel that

you are misunderstanding or feeling frustrated or angry with each other.

Imagine that there is an energetic cord that is attached from your solar plexus

energy center to your partner’s. If you could tune in to it, what would this cord look

like? Would it be thick, heavy, and twisted or light, clear, and thin? If there was energy

inside it, would it be positive energy or heavy, negative energy?

If the energy feels unhealthy, imagine a powerful golden ray of light flowing into

your solar plexus and moving into the cord clearing all the density out of your half of

the cord into the middle, where your half of the cord connects with your mate’s half.

Imagine that the cord opens in the middle and all the negative energy that you have

190

SeLife_interior_pgs 145–214_Layout 1 3/29/13 12:40 PM Page 191

The Secret of Life Wellness

been holding releases into a violet fire. Then visualize the gold light flowing into your