The Secret of the Shadow (12 page)

P r o c e s s i n g Y o u r L u m p s When Allie was eight years old and in the second grade, her mother dropped her off at school one day. Before heading off, 108

t h e p o w e r o f p r o c e s s Allie’s mom gave her a big hug and told her she would be back at two o’clock to pick her up. After school Allie walked to where all the moms and dads drove up to pick up their kids. Allie quickly found a spot for herself and stood there anxiously, ready to go home after her long day at school. Allie watched one car after another drive up, fill up with kids, and drive away. Twenty minutes later all her friends had disappeared and she was left standing all alone. Not knowing what to do, she kept looking around up and down the street for her mother. But her mother never came.

By the time the parking lot had emptied completely, Allie was feeling lost and desperately afraid. Certain that her mother had forgotten her, and not knowing what else to do, she began to walk home alone. Feeling embarrassed and ashamed that she had been forgotten, Allie slouched her shoulders and let her head droop low in hopes that no one she knew would recognize her.

That day in the second grade, Allie made some decisions that would affect her the rest of her life. She decided that there must be something wrong with her and that that was why she had been left behind. This became Allie’s story. Allie made her mother’s absence mean she didn’t belong and therefore she wouldn’t be loved. After all, she reasoned, if she were okay and if she belonged, her mother never would have forgotten her that day. She also decided then and there that she couldn’t depend on people. Sitting with me twenty years after this incident, Allie could still feel the pain tear-ing at her heart. We had just uncovered an unprocessed lump in Allie’s batter, one that was still driving her to this day, limiting the amount of intimacy she experienced in her personal relationships and the level of responsibility she allowed herself to accept at 109

T h e S e c r e t o f t h e S h a d o w work. Allie desperately wanted to learn the lessons of this painful incident—to find its gifts—and move on with her life.

I asked Allie to make a list of all her current behaviors that resulted from the conclusions she had drawn that day—that she was unimportant and a bad girl. I asked her to write about all the ways those conclusions had negatively affected her life. Allie’s list looked liked this:

I always have to go out of my way to be extra nice to people and do whatever I can to make them happy.

I always follow the crowd so I won’t be left out.

I compromise my own needs for the needs of others.

I can’t speak up and say what I think or feel, because then I might get left behind.

I have to give all my power away to others.

I then asked Allie if she could see that she was still making her mother wrong for forgetting her that day. Although she had a great relationship with her mother, Allie could see that she still held some resentment from that incident. She could also see that she unconsciously made her mother wrong each time she found herself acting out one of the behaviors she’d listed. Allie had done years of therapy and other work on herself, and was stunned to discover that she was still making her mother wrong. I then asked Allie what she was getting out of holding on to this incident. She slowly replied, “I get to be right in my belief that you can’t really 110

t h e p o w e r o f p r o c e s s count on anyone and that people aren’t there when you need them.”

The next step was for Allie to think about and write down all the times that she co-created similar scenarios in her life. After all, she found some comfort in affirming her story’s truth. Allie found that in more than five other relationships, she was able to prove to herself that she was unimportant and that people wouldn’t be there for her. It was a familiar story, and she knew it all too well.

Allie had replayed this story line countless times in her life—not only in her major relationships but in little ways, like allowing herself to be passed over for a promotion or letting people cut in front of her in line at the drugstore. Each time she was ignored or left behind, Allie not only had the satisfaction of being right about being unimportant, but she also got to make her mother wrong all over again for leaving her that day. Twenty years later, after losing a job and experiencing yet another failed relationship, Allie was ready to integrate this incident with all its pain.

I asked Allie to close her eyes, look inside, and ask herself what she needed to do to heal from the effects of this incident. She said she wanted her mom to write her a letter telling her how sorry she was and acknowledging the pain that her actions had caused. Allie knew that her mother might not want to do this, but she felt she needed to ask anyway. I told her that if her mom was opposed to the idea she could just as easily write a letter to herself from the perspective of her mom. Allie called her mother, and even though her mom could hardly remember this event, she was more than willing to write the letter, knowing that it would support Allie’s healing. This is what her mother wrote: 111

T h e S e c r e t o f t h e S h a d o w Dearest Allie,

This is a letter of apology to you for the incident you shared with me when we last spoke. How hurt you were as a little girl when I promised to pick you up from school and I didn’t show up for you. I’m so sorry that you had to have this experience. I wish I could change the past but I can’t. I can’t imagine all the fear and abandonment that you must have felt and how scared you must have been. When you shared with me I could hear in your voice all the pain and suffering that you experienced.

I would like to tell you how sorry I am for that experience. You mean the world to me. I never meant to hurt you in any way. I’m glad that you shared this incident with me so that this experience can be healed. I hope this letter can heal some of the hurt and help you to find closure. If I can do anything else to help you in this process, please let me know.

I love you and I take total responsibility. Please forgive me.

Love you,

Mom

Allie read these words and wept with a mixture of sadness and joy: the sadness of a little girl lost and alone, and the joy of a grown woman healing from the pain of her past.

After Allie had spent a few days with the letter from her mom, she was ready to take the next step of extracting the wisdom that this trauma held for her. Again, I asked Allie to close her eyes and consider what she had learned as a result of that incident. Allie told me that because of that event she had decided she never 112

t h e p o w e r o f p r o c e s s wanted people to feel unimportant or left out. So she became an accountable, reliable, and trustworthy friend and family member.

Looking at me not with the pout of a hurt child but with the certainty of a grown woman, she said, “If I tell you I’ll be there, I’ll be there no matter what. Showing up for people is a priority in my life. I am sensitive to people’s needs and always try to show them how important they are.” I then asked Allie how these gifts have served her in her life. It was easy to see how her warmth and caring had helped so many people and how it drove her to want to help, teach, and care for children. Her commitment to people is one of the things she loves most about herself. Standing in the presence of these gifts, Allie could appreciate the wisdom and the value she had gained from the trauma that had haunted her for so long. I explained to Allie that her feelings of being unimportant and left behind would most likely continue to arise because they had been with her a long time. The question was not how she could get rid of those feelings but how she could be kind and com-passionate to herself even while she was feeling them. I reassured Allie that if she could love and accept herself even when she was feeling unimportant or left behind, she would be able to use the pain as part of her recipe. We both agreed that the qualities born from her pain would be vital to her in the future.

T h e I n t e g r at i o n P r o c e s s — S t e p b y S t e p There is a distinct process that I used with Allie to help her make the transformation from a victimized little girl to an empowered 113

T h e S e c r e t o f t h e S h a d o w woman aware of her unique gifts. This process works no matter what the specific details of a person’s story may be.

1.
Unconceal the issue or emotional wound that is currently
causing you pain.
This could be something that is happening in your present-day reality, like a difficult relationship or an ongoing issue with your body or your finances. Or it could be an event from your past that still has you feeling scarred, wounded, or victimized. Once you have identified the lump in your batter, begin by asking yourself, “How does this make me feel?”

2.
Close your eyes and ask yourself, “When have I felt these
same feelings before? What incident from my past does this
remind me of ?”
Allow a scene from an earlier time in your life to come into your awareness, and view the incident that comes to mind in as much detail as you can.

3.
Ask yourself, “What did I make this event mean about me?”

The meaning we assign to the events of our lives is the source of our emotional pain, not the event itself. Each of us interprets the events and circumstances of our lives differently. The meaning we assign to our life’s experiences will determine whether we use the event to empower ourselves and move us forward or to disempower ourselves and keep us stuck.

Vanessa and Emma are sisters who were both young girls when their father walked out on the family.

Vanessa, the younger sister, liked having her mother all 114

t h e p o w e r o f p r o c e s s to herself and enjoyed the peace and quiet that was present in the house when she didn’t have to listen to her parents fight. Emma had an entirely different take on the situation. She made her father’s walking out mean that she was unlovable, and she felt ashamed because she didn’t have a real family. This incident didn’t show up as a lump in Vanessa’s batter, but it was a huge lump in Emma’s. When you uncover the decision you made about yourself, you may discover that it is a recurring theme in your life story.

4.
List the behaviors and the recurrent patterns that have
resulted from this decision.
For example, if you decided that you were unworthy, unlovable, or not good enough, look for other experiences that have validated that decision.

5.
Look at whom you blame for the limiting decision you made
about yourself and whom you get to make wrong for all that
has happened to you as a result of that decision.
You really want to look for all the ways, all the times, and all the situations in which you’ve gotten to prove you were right and make the other person wrong. Whom do you get back at every time this theme replays itself and you find yourself engaging in self-defeating patterns?

6.
Close your eyes and ask yourself, “What needs to happen for
me to heal this incident?”
Is there a ritual you could perform that would help you process the pain that surrounds the incident? Is there something you need to 115

T h e S e c r e t o f t h e S h a d o w say or something you would like someone else to say in order to feel complete? Writing is a great way to process lumps—whether you free-write to express your feelings or actually write a letter to the person involved.

7.
Uncover the gifts this incident has given you.
This is the final—and most important—step in this process. Make a list of everything you have gained, everything you have learned, and everything you now know as a result of having experienced this incident. For example, if for your entire life you were put down by your parents and told you were stupid, you may have made the decision to study hard, excel in school, and make something of your life. But now that you’ve done these things, instead of basking in the joy of your accomplishments, you are still stuck in resenting your parents. To find the gift of this experience, you need to search out every positive insight and lesson this incident has brought you. You might ask,

“What wisdom can I contribute to the world that I couldn’t have if that event hadn’t happened?” Being called stupid as a child can make you more compas-sionate toward your own children. It can drive you to study hard, to be better educated and well read. The gifts can show up in many ways, and for each of us the gifts will be different. Recognizing these gifts is a vital step in our healing process, because until we find the blessings in the negative events in our lives, those experiences will continue to have control over us. Transcending our stories requires us to extract the gifts, lessons, and wisdom from 116

t h e p o w e r o f p r o c e s s each of the events that have dramatically influenced us.

Once we embrace those events, we will be able to blend together all of who we are in a giant mixing bowl and integrate the ingredients into our consciousness. In embracing both the pain and the gifts that these incidents have brought, we see how our lives have been designed and shaped for a unique purpose. Only then will the contribution that is hidden within our personal dramas be revealed.

Here is another story that illustrates how this process works.

As you read it, try to distinguish each of the individual steps in the process.

Natalie came to see me after she had been in a relationship with Jeff, a sensitive and loving divorced man, for six years. Although Jeff possessed every attribute she had ever wanted in a man, Natalie spent a good portion of their time together feeling angry and with-drawn. For reasons that were unknown to her, no matter how often Jeff reassured her of his love, Natalie always felt less important to him than his son, Jesse. Natalie told me that she spent a lot of time and effort competing with Jesse for Jeff ’s attention, and that when she lost—which she often did—she acted out like a sulking child.

On several occasions Natalie resorted to locking herself in her room when Jesse came for visits. Even when Jesse wasn’t with them Natalie put all of his pictures away because it was too painful for her to acknowledge that Jeff shared his heart with another.