The Secret of the Shadow (14 page)

T h e S e c r e t o f t h e S h a d o w about yourself.” Our guilt comes from not listening to ourselves, from making choices that go against our core beliefs, from disappointing those we love, and from choosing behaviors that we might feel are selfish. The source of our guilt is that we think we have done something wrong or bad. We fear and expect that we will attract the punishment we feel we really deserve. To the extent that we haven’t cleaned up the unfinished business from our past, we will unconsciously punish ourselves by withholding the love, success, and abundance we desire.

M a k i n g P e a c e w i t h Y o u r I n n e r J u d g e Until we make peace with our internal judge and jury we will never allow ourselves to feel and receive Divine forgiveness. Our inner judge knows the difference between right and wrong.

Imagine that lying beneath the surface of our consciousness is a great scale of justice that knows our highest good. I like to think of this inner knowing as a set of karmic scales. Our internal karmic scales know when we have violated ourselves and when we have violated others. It knows when we are out of balance.

Our karmic scales represent our inner knowing, our internal sense of integrity—the part of us that knows what is right and what is wrong. This inner judge holds our internal scales of justice, supporting us in honoring the integrity of the human spirit.

All of us have had the experience of crossing the lines of our own inner knowing. All of us have at one time or another heard the voice of intuition and decided to shut it out or block it off so that 130

m a k i n g p e a c e w i t h y o u r s t o r y we could stay in our stories and attend to our own agendas. But each time we ignore our intuition, each time we fail to listen to our inner voice, every time we follow our heads and not our hearts, we are actually committing a violation against our deepest selves. Those violations are what keep our karmic scales out of balance, and keep us locked inside our dramas. Until we learn to honor the sacredness of our inner knowing and our intuition, we will create pain and drama to guide us back in the direction of our highest selves. Imagine that within the package called “You”

came an operating system to hold you to the highest expression of yourself. This operating system is your guide, letting you know when you are on track and when you are off. Its only job is to support you in manifesting your most extraordinary self. It is your own personal guide; it has no agenda other than fulfilling your personal mission and supporting you in bringing forth your gifts to the world.

How is it that we get disconnected from this guidance system?

How do we separate from the Universal stream of intelligence that flows so naturally through us? At some point in our lives all of us have been told that our feelings are not important. We might even have been cautioned that if we continued listening to our inner urges and callings we would be ousted from our families, punished or separated from those we love. These mixed messages confuse us, and gradually we begin doubting ourselves and our own inner knowing. Instead of trusting in our own truth, we unconsciously disconnect from our internal operating system. Slowly we lose touch with our own internal sense of what is right and wrong.

No longer connected to our inner light that guides us, we decide to 131

T h e S e c r e t o f t h e S h a d o w follow our parents or other people who look like they are doing okay in their lives. Eventually we forsake our own inner voice entirely so that we can feel like we fit in and belong.

V i o l at i o n s o f S e l f

Many of us get alarmed and inspired into action when we witness violations in the world. When someone is mugged, raped, or abused, we feel an immediate sense of injustice. It is more difficult to catch sight of the violations we perpetrate against ourselves, for we often violate ourselves in seemingly small and unnoticeable ways. We violate ourselves when we don’t listen to ourselves or trust our instincts or claim what we want. We violate ourselves when we shut down our dreams, when we don’t take the time to care for ourselves, or when we don’t make our inner lives a priority. We violate ourselves every time we deprive ourselves of appreciation and acknowledg-ment for our hard-earned efforts and every time we deny our special gifts. We violate ourselves when we choose to focus more on our flaws than on our beauty. We violate ourselves when we don’t give ourselves the nutrition we hunger for, when we make bad choices, and when we refuse to forgive ourselves for being in our present circumstances. We violate ourselves when we withhold compassion from ourselves for the mistakes we’ve made, when we spend more time listening to the negativity of our Shadow Boxes than to the love of our hearts. We violate ourselves when we look for what’s wrong instead of what’s right. We violate ourselves when we fail to do what brings us joy. We violate ourselves by keeping ourselves small.

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m a k i n g p e a c e w i t h y o u r s t o r y Most of the violations we commit against ourselves go completely unnoticed by our conscious awareness. But our psyches are acutely aware the moment we stray from our own internal guidance systems. I once led a seminar in which I asked people to list all the ways they betray themselves in each area of their lives. Here are some of the things they shared:

We violate our bodies by

overeating

eating food we know doesn’t agree with us cheating on our diets

telling ourselves we are going to exercise and not following through

not taking enough time for rest and recreation abusing ourselves with cigarettes, alcohol, or drugs criticizing ourselves when we look in the mirror paying more attention to our flaws than to our beauty staying so busy that we cannot hear the signals our bodies send us

listening to our self-loathing internal dialogues 133

T h e S e c r e t o f t h e S h a d o w
We violate ourselves in relationships by
staying in relationship with physically or emotionally abusive people

doing things for or with friends that we don’t want to do having sex when we don’t want to

depriving ourselves of intimacy when we want it breaking agreements and commitments with others gossiping about others

pretending to like people we don’t

not spending time with our loved ones

withholding our feelings from others

stepping over our personal boundaries or compromising our integrity

making other people’s needs more important than our own
We violate our financial security by
spending more than we earn

running up credit card debt

bouncing checks

lying about our income

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m a k i n g p e a c e w i t h y o u r s t o r y not saving money

being unconscious about our spending

stealing

ignoring our debts

paying our bills late

Most of us try to achieve transformation even as we continue to commit offenses against ourselves. We think that if we attend only one more seminar, read one more book, or just think happy thoughts we won’t have to clean up all the ways we are violating ourselves.

We can read thousands of self-help books, meditate every day, and sit at a guru’s feet, but if we use the wisdom we’ve gained only to put ourselves down and diminish our worth, we have violated ourselves. Each time we look in the mirror and see only part of who we are—every time we spend more time listening to our Shadow Boxes, our unconscious internal dialogues, rather than acknowledging our greatness—we have committed a violation of self.

When will we stop? When will we see we have become the perpetrators and we are the only ones who can stop the internal violence?

S u b t l e V i o l at i o n s

As she does most mornings, Wendy woke up with a resolution to eat well. She specifically made the internal commitment to stay away from bread and sugar—two foods that she knew didn’t 135

T h e S e c r e t o f t h e S h a d o w agree with her. She stuck to her resolution all through the morning, and even at lunch. But in the afternoon, when her co-workers brought in cupcakes from the local bakery to celebrate someone’s birthday, Wendy, reasoning that it would be impolite to decline, ate one of the cupcakes. Instantly she recognized that familiar sinking sensation in her gut that was too painful to be with. Filled with resignation, she tossed her commitment to herself out the window and pretended that what she had done didn’t matter. She went home that day feeling heavy, lifeless, and disconnected from herself. That night while meditating, Wendy realized that cheating on her diet was a way she consistently violated herself.

Emily, a stay-at-home mother of two, tucked her children into bed after a long and stressful day. “We’ll have fun together tomorrow, I promise,” she whispered as she kissed them both good night. As she walked out of their room she thought of ways to make the next day special for the three of them. She promised herself she wouldn’t watch her soap opera unless her children decided to take naps, and committed to giving them her undivided attention. But by two o’clock the next day, when Zachary and Alice still hadn’t shown any signs of wanting to take naps, Emily found herself growing impatient and resentful. Her commitment to enjoy-ing a peaceful day with her children was quickly forgotten, and Emily found herself watching her soap opera in her bedroom while her children cried at her feet. From that point on, Emily’s hopes for the day were gone and all three of them were grumpy.

That evening, disturbed by the outcome of the day, Emily went inside herself and asked, “How can tomorrow be a better day for me and my kids?” At that point she got in touch with the resent-136

m a k i n g p e a c e w i t h y o u r s t o r y ment that had been building inside her for weeks. Emily needed more time to herself. Emily’s own inner child was screaming for

“mommy time.” She realized that caring for two children all day long while taking no time for her own needs was in itself a violation against herself. And when she was not acting with integrity toward herself she tended to take her frustrations out on her children.

Emily saw that in order to bring balance to herself and her family she would need to carve out some time of her own. She came up with the creative idea of trading baby-sitting duties with another stay-at-home mom in her neighborhood. Once she had the time she needed, Emily was able to stay present with her children and follow through on her promises to them. By living inside her own integrity and honoring her deepest truth, Emily was able to make a new choice, one that led her outside the confines of her story.

Our violations against ourselves often camouflage themselves in subtle ways. Even now you might be trying to figure out ways to minimize this conversation. Check in and see. Are you denying this truth? Are you justifying or affirming that this is not you? Look.

Look deeply, over the course of the next several days, and identify where you are committing violations against yourself. Are you willing to examine the depth of abuse that you create on a daily basis? Do you continually violate yourself in the name of your story? It’s your life; only you have the ability to change it. This is your chance to dig deep. You can look back and see that you stayed in the cocoon of your story, skimming the surface of your pain, or you can look back and see that you challenged yourself, told the truth, took responsibility, and took action that was consistent with the kind of person you desire to be.

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T h e S e c r e t o f t h e S h a d o w B a l a n c i n g t h e K a r m i c S c a l e s Making amends for our self-violations is the highest act of honor we can possibly bestow upon ourselves and others. Making amends restores our integrity and is a vital step in making peace with our stories. It is important that we go back through our lives with the intention of making our wrongs right—balancing our karmic scales. This means making amends to everyone in our lives whom we have in some way wounded, lied to, cheated, or betrayed.

I knew that in order to heal and make peace with my life I would have to clean up all the chaos I had caused in myself, in my relationships, and in the Universe. I wanted so desperately to be able to stand in front of the mirror and in front of other people and feel good, not only about my present but also about my past. Over the years I had left many people angry, disappointed, and hurt. I had also committed my share of crimes against nature, institu-tions, and other people. I had my first shot at cleaning up my past in a twelve-step program, where I learned that I needed to make amends to those whom I had hurt. At first the thought seemed overwhelming. How could I ever do this? The mere idea of walking up to someone and telling them that I had lied or stolen from them made me tremble in shame. It was odd: I thought I had never cared what others thought about me because I seldom experienced any regret, but, standing in front of this project called cleaning up my past, I was sick with fear and shame. My list of victims seemed too long to face, but, knowing that I could never really feel good about myself until I made my wrongs right, I summoned the 138

m a k i n g p e a c e w i t h y o u r s t o r y courage to come clean with those I had hurt and atone for the crimes of my past. I found it hardest to confront past employers and friends of my family, but, person by person, I was able to say I was sorry, pay back money I owed, and take responsibility for who I had been in the past. Little by little my self-esteem started to rebuild itself and I began the miraculous process of feeling good inside. This process enabled me to make peace with my story. Each amend that I made loosened the chains that had tied me to the drama of my past.

If we don’t live a life grounded in integrity, we will try to build our transformation on top of a lie. In order to live the life of our dreams, we need to have a strong foundation on which to build who we are and what we stand for. Anytime we are living outside our personal integrity, we put up a wall between ourselves and others, and between ourselves and the life of our dreams. In any area in our lives where we cease to act out of integrity or violate our internal rules, we are cutting ourselves off from the totality of our power and our ability to create what we want. Cheryl Richardson, author of
Life Makeovers,
says, “We all have different sets of internal rules which make up our personal integrity. Most people are unaware of how much energy it takes to live outside of our internal rules. When we restore our integrity we release enormous amounts of energy that can serve our present-day lives.”