The Secret of the Shadow (15 page)

Our unhealed integrity issues are at the root of our self-abuse.

To the extent that we feel out of balance in our inner world, we will deprive ourselves of fulfilling our desires in the outer world.

Our self-loathing will call forth from the Universe people and events that reflect back to us our deepest feelings about ourselves.

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T h e S e c r e t o f t h e S h a d o w Remember,
your outer world is a reflection of your inner world.
And the reverse is also true: When we are in alignment within ourselves, we feel worthy of receiving everything we desire. We call forth people and events that are consistent with the fulfillment of our deepest desires, because again, when we are in balance and feel good about ourselves inside, the whole world will reflect our good feelings back to us. To the degree that we do not clean up the integrity issues inside our stories, we will continue to feed the noisy internal dialogue of our Shadow Boxes. Until we have integrity we will never feel deserving or worthy of living our highest life.

K a r m i c R e s o l u t i o n

Karmic resolution is the process of restoring our integrity. We achieve it when we make our wrongs right. Karmic resolution opens the way to transcending our stories and gives us access to the self-love we deserve.

Karmic resolution is the process of healing our relationships with ourselves, others, and the world. We want to be careful not to approach this task by asking, “What’s the minimum I can do to get off the hook?” or “What will restore my reputation in the eyes of those involved?” Instead, we want to look for the action that restores our own integrity within ourselves. We need to ask,

“What can I do to balance my karmic scales?” And we need to be willing to hear the answer that comes from deep inside. I promise you that if you take on the project of restoring your integrity, you will receive more love, peace, and inner freedom than you could 140

m a k i n g p e a c e w i t h y o u r s t o r y ever imagine. When our karmic scales are in balance we naturally open up to whole new levels of self-esteem and worthiness. It is only then that we will feel deserving enough to manifest our deepest desires and bask in the abundance of the Universe.

As long as we are plagued with feelings of guilt and regret, we will be blinded to our magnificence. Jordan, a thirty-five-year-old real-estate developer, grew up on the streets and learned early on how to survive by his wits. Although he became wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Jordan was still haunted by the violations he committed in his youth and had tried unsuccessfully for fifteen years to make peace with his past. He attended seminars and men’s groups, and tried to attain forgiveness by being overly generous with his friends and family. Jordan knew all the right things to say and the right mantras to chant to temporarily absolve himself of guilt, but still, in the quietness of the night, he was left feeling bad about himself. Jordan was a smart, educated, and well-read man, and it baffled him to no end that he couldn’t get over his past. The message that overshadowed his accomplishments was “I don’t deserve to have it all.” Even though he was keenly aware of the theme of his story and the limitations that it held, he struggled to live outside the boundaries of his personal drama. I suggested to Jordan that we look together to see what he had done in the past that he was still feeling bad about. I explained to him that although our minds can forget our misdeeds, our hearts always remember.

Even though he wanted to be free of his guilt, Jordan still resisted the idea that his past wrongdoings could somehow be affecting the present moment. He felt like he was now a good person, even though he admitted to being arrogant and neglectful in 141

T h e S e c r e t o f t h e S h a d o w his past. I explained that until we make our wrongs right we will continually beat ourselves up and draw forth experiences that mirror back the bad feelings we harbor inside. Our inner knowing demands that we bring back into balance that which we have violated. I told Jordan that unless he could look each and every person he had wronged in the eye, somewhere inside himself he would feel that he was not a good person and would therefore never really feel deserving of total love and forgiveness and never be free to walk out of his personal drama.

Jordan courageously agreed to explore his past with the intention of cleaning up all that was left unfinished. I asked him to close his eyes and look inside for an incident that was still unhealed. He recalled a time when he was eighteen and working as a waiter in a trendy restaurant in San Francisco. He worked at that restaurant on and off for five or six years—taking time off when he needed to focus more attention on his education and coming back when he needed the money. The owner of the restaurant, an older man named Ted, was always gracious to Jordan, allowing him to come and go as he pleased. Jordan confessed that he and others who worked at the restaurant had devised a way to steal money by not entering customers’ checks into the cash register. At times Jordan and his co-workers would also help themselves to food and bever-ages that belonged to the restaurant. Jordan, who was living hand-to-mouth at the time, rationalized his actions, telling himself that because Ted was a wealthy dentist who lived at the top of the hill and owned two other restaurants, he would never miss the money.

He also used the justification that everyone else who worked there was doing the same thing. But now, looking at this incident, 142

m a k i n g p e a c e w i t h y o u r s t o r y Jordan could see that he did really feel awful about treating somebody who had been so gracious and open with him so poorly.

When I asked Jordan what he needed to do to make amends within himself for what he had done, he said that the owner of the restaurant was probably dead by now and he didn’t know what to do to make it right. But when Jordan called an ex-manager of the restaurant, he found out that Ted was still alive and still living in the Bay Area. Jordan summoned his courage, picked up the phone, and called Ted. Now in his early eighties, Ted was excited to hear from Jordan. He had always had a fondness for Jordan and had a special place for him in his heart. After a few minutes of small talk, Jordan told Ted that during the years he worked at the restaurant he had stolen roughly three thousand dollars from him and that he was calling to make amends. In what was one of the most deeply moving moments in his life Jordan, with tears in his eyes and an open heart, told Ted that he wanted to send him a check that day to repay him.

Ted broke down in tears after hearing Jordan’s confession.

Jordan was surprised to discover that Ted’s restaurants had gone bankrupt and that he had lost all his money and his big house. Ted went on to tell Jordan how hard he had been struggling, and how he had just tried to get a loan to pay his bills but had been turned down because of his bankruptcy. He told Jordan that while the three thousand dollars didn’t mean that much to him fifteen years ago, it was just the sum he now needed to save his condo from being repossessed. As Jordan wrote the check, he felt it was the best money he had ever spent. He felt clean inside and tremendously grateful that he could now give back to somebody he had 143

T h e S e c r e t o f t h e S h a d o w taken from. He no longer had to cover up the crimes of his past.

For the first time he felt like he could look in the mirror and feel good about what he saw. He knew that his internal scales were in balance, and he had a new sense of self-worth and self-respect.

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Cori, a participant in one of my coaching programs, has struggled financially for as long as she can remember, and shared with the group that she had no idea why she was unable to make or keep money in her life. The central theme of Cori’s story was that she had to be careful, that otherwise people would take advantage of her. Knowing there must be some karmic imbalance keeping her from attaining her goals, I asked her to make a list of all the places in her life where she was out of integrity financially, and to search her consciousness for any incidents from her past that might be preventing her from receiving the abundance she desires.

The first thing on Cori’s out-of-integrity list was an incident that had occurred when she was twelve years old. Cori and her girlfriend had gone to a department store and stolen a lot of the kind of merchandise that appeals to young girls—bathing suits, purses, makeup, and accessories. Then they went back to the girlfriend’s house, put all the merchandise on the bed, and started adding up their loot. Although at the time she felt excited because she got away with it, some fourteen years later this incident showed up as a huge source of shame.

Committed to restoring her integrity and learning to love herself at the deepest level, Cori knew that she would have to make amends for the mistakes of her past. The first task on her 144

m a k i n g p e a c e w i t h y o u r s t o r y list was to call the Macy’s store where she had shoplifted and admit what she had done. After speaking to several different people she was finally transferred to the general manager. When the manager got on the phone, the first thing he said to Cori was “Are you in a twelve-step program?” Cori said, “No, actually I’m in a coaching program and my assignment this week is to clean up my past and restore any issues that are out of integrity within me.”

Cori proceeded to tell her story to the manager, and at the end she asked him, “What can I do to make amends for my actions?” He was silent for a moment and then said, “Young lady, I’m very impressed with you. In twenty-four years in this business, no one has ever called me with an admission like this. I think the best thing you can do is to donate money to your favorite charity.

Thank you so much for calling.” Then he added, “By the way, you really made my day.” Cori hung up the phone feeling light, elated, and empowered. She felt free of the chains of her past, as though an internal weight had been lifted from her. She no longer had to suppress this incident. Her internal scales were now coming into balance, and she had transformed this bit of darkness into a bright light.

Feeling empowered and stimulated by her newfound freedom, Cori quickly picked up the phone to tackle the second integrity item on her list. When Cori was eighteen years old, on a mission to raise money for a trip to Europe, she had made a fraud-ulent claim against an airline, saying that her bags had been stolen when in fact they hadn’t. Cori had filled out the necessary forms and weeks later received a check for twenty-five hundred dollars in the mail. Cori now felt concerned about how she was going to 145

T h e S e c r e t o f t h e S h a d o w heal this integrity issue, because she didn’t have the money to repay the debt, but she courageously called the airline anyway.

After several phone calls she made her way to a top executive, who greeted her with warmth and caring. Cori told her what she had done and asked the woman what she could do to make amends. In her pleasant and soothing Southern accent, the agent replied,

“Well, you could certainly write a letter to Human Relations and tell them what you did.” Then she added, “Honey, in God’s eyes you’re already forgiven.”

Cori wrote the letter, but afterward she still felt she had more work to do in order to bring balance to her internal scales. Cori then decided to gather old clothes and luggage from all her friends and donate them to a local women’s shelter. In telling me this story, Cori realized that it hadn’t been enough to say she was sorry; she had to give back more than she took. She realized that hiding her offenses only made her feel bad about herself and that she punished herself through constant self-hatred and a critical inner dialogue. Cori also saw the correlation between her unhealed integrity issues and the fact that she had difficulty making or keeping money. To top it off, Cori now had new insight into why her only trip to Europe was such a disaster. Cleaning up these incidents from her past allowed Cori to see that she didn’t have to watch out for other people, that who she needed to watch out for was herself. Cori realized that if she lived a life true to herself and honored her highest integrity, she would feel deserving enough to make and keep the money she earned.

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m a k i n g p e a c e w i t h y o u r s t o r y Once we balance our internal scales and restore our integrity, we will no longer be pulled back into the old feelings and thoughts that have been tied to these events. An inner lightness occurs.

Balancing our karmic scales brings us back into alignment with our highest selves. Making amends is a gift that we give ourselves.

When we have cleaned up our past and feel good about balancing our internal scales, we can then begin the amazing process of self-forgiveness.

M a k i n g A m e n d s t o Y o u r s e l f The process of forgiveness calls on us to create new behaviors to heal our relationships with ourselves. We must look inside, because for each of us these behaviors will be different. Now is the time to make a commitment to honor ourselves where we have once violated ourselves. Here are some suggestions for transforming our relationships with ourselves.

Tell the truth to ourselves and others.

Take time for the people we love. Schedule time every day to go for a walk, connect, and share what is truly important to us.

Meditate every day.

Volunteer our time to causes and organizations that inspire us to help: children with learning disabilities, reading programs in schools.

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T h e S e c r e t o f t h e S h a d o w Stop gossiping.

Take care of our physical bodies with nourishing food, adequate rest, exercise, fresh air, and recreation.

Take care of our minds and emotional bodies with time spent alone—journaling, reading, praying.

Honor our boundaries and listen to our inner sense of what feels good and what doesn’t.

Make a daily connection with the Divine.

Process our painful emotions when they come up so they can be healed.

Keep our checkbooks in balance and clear up our past debts.

Take time to acknowledge ourselves for all we are, for the joy we bring to others, and for the contributions we’ve made to the world.