The Secrets of Boys (15 page)

“Yeah,” Cassidy said. “Busy going on field trips and putting up with the other nut-jobs in the class.”
And
don’t forget making out with the TA and worrying that you’d
find out about it.

“Well, I’ve missed you.” Eric helped her out of the car like a perfect gentleman. “Life just isn’t the same when you’re not around every day.”

The maitre d’ sat them at one of the tables outside.

She could hear the clink of glasses and shivers of laughter coming from the other diners, but a white trellis draped in thick, fragrant honeysuckle made it seem like they were all alone. Cassidy breathed deeply as the familiar salt smell of the sea mingled with the flowers.

Staring out over the waves, she wished she could run into the ocean and swim away from Eric, the restaurant, and the whole big mess her life had become.

After the waiter came and took their order, there was nothing left to do but talk. Cassidy was really on edge, especially when Eric reached across the table and gently took her hands in his.

“So what’s new?” he asked, his eyes gleaming.

Cassidy nervously fiddled with the white napkin that she’d laid on her lap. “Nothing, really.”

Jesus, could I be any more obvious?

“How’s Larissa?”

“I don’t know. We haven’t been spending much time together. She’s got this insane schedule and I’ve got class,” she explained.

“Sounds like the summer we’ve been having,” Eric commented, his tone suddenly souring.

A bad taste erupted in Cassidy’s mouth, so she gulped down a bunch of ice water. “I know I’ve been kind of unavailable lately. I’m sorry.”

He played with his silverware mindlessly. “I didn’t get a chance to tell you about the surfing… .”

As soon as Eric said “surfing,” Cassidy’s mind wandered off into the past, where listening to her boyfriend use lingo like “acid drop,” “flick off,” and “lip turn”

made sense to her. There was a time when she hung onto every one of his words, even those she didn’t quite understand, but now it was as if she didn’t speak his language anymore. In fact, Cassidy was starting to realize that she never did much talking about herself or her interests when she was around Eric. When they’d have a conversation, it’d be centered on him. Actually, when she’d have a conversation with
anyone
, it’d be centered on them.

But that dynamic didn’t seem to exist when she’d been with Zach. She felt comfortable expressing herself because he genuinely seemed interested in whatever she had to say.

“Cass? Cassidy?”

She snapped out of her reverie at the sound of Eric’s perturbed voice.

“Your phone is ringing.”

Cassidy reached down for her bag, which she had stashed underneath her seat. She found her cell beneath her Orbit gum and her Kate Spade wallet right before the caller went to voice mail.

“Hello?”

There was a long pause, then a cough. Finally the person on the other end of the line spoke. “Cassidy, it’s Zach.”

She gasped so loudly that Eric mouthed the words,

“What’s the matter?” But she just shook her head, as if to say, “Nothing.” It was far from nothing, though. It was an unbelievably gigantic something! Zach had somehow tracked her down, but why?

“I’m sorry to bother you, but I was hoping we could talk,” he added. Cassidy just loved how he enunciated each syllable perfectly.

“Yeah, sure. Could you hold on a second?” she said ever so casually.

Eric raised his eyebrows. “Everything okay?”

Cassidy bit her lip. She knew she was about to lie right to Eric’s face this time. “Larissa is having some sort of meltdown.”

He rolled his eyes. “Figures.”

She bolted up from her seat. “I’m going to take this outside. I’ll be right back.”

Cassidy didn’t wait around for Eric to excuse her from the table. She just turned and sprinted out of the restaurant, nearly colliding with a busboy in the process.

Cassidy was not about to let anyone get in the way of this phone call.

She darted over to the edge of the parking lot, where Eric’s BMW was resting between two Jaguars. She leaned back on the hood of his car and listened to the tide splashing up against the shoreline. It was such a clear night out that Cassidy could see every single star in the sky. She would have stayed out there for hours and drawn a picture of it, but there was something more important for her to do.

Cassidy brought the phone back up to her ear.

“Zach, are you still there?”

“Yeah. Where are you?”

“I’m at Geoffrey’s, the restaurant near the beach,”

she said through an anxious hiccup.

Great, now he knows what one of my bodily functions
sounds like.

Zach didn’t seem to notice. “That’s nice,” he said. “I hope you don’t mind, but I looked through Briand’s student log and got your number.”

A wide grin swept over Cassidy’s face. He went through all that trouble to get in touch with her. That had to be a good sign. “Of course not. What’s up?”

“Well, um … Wow, this is awkward.” Zach sounded very shaky, but Cassidy assumed it was just because of the static. There was no way a sophisticated guy like him would be nervous about talking to
her
, was there? “I just thought maybe we, I mean, you and I could … Ever since the zoo, we’ve kind of lost track of each other and …

Well, I really want to get to know you more. If that’s okay with you and it doesn’t weird you out in any way and, Jesus, I need to stop blabbering like an idiot or else you’re going to hang up on me and make me really sad.”

Cassidy started to giggle. It was refreshing to see Zach acting kind of foolish and vulnerable. It even made him sexier. “I’m not going to hang up.”

Zach let out a relieved sigh. “Thank God. I was worried that you hated me or something.”

“Why would I hate you?”

“Because you’ve been, I don’t know, sort of distant since our … since the jungle,” he mumbled. “I assumed that you were upset with me or thought I was some sort of crazy pervert or whatever.”

Cassidy laughed again. “No, I’ve just … had a lot on my mind. Really, I’m not mad at you at all.”

“Okay, good. I’d really despise myself if you thought I was a lech.”

She was so paralyzed with happiness that she couldn’t do anything but smile.

“When we can hang out again?” he asked.

“Soon,” she said wistfully.

“Like tonight soon or tomorrow soon?”

Cassidy’s heart dropped into her stomach when she remembered what tonight really was—her two-year anniversary with Eric. It was a momentous occasion that could possibly lead to de-virginization. And how was she celebrating? She was trying to make a date with another guy. Except Zach wasn’t just “another guy”—he was special. And no matter how remorseful she felt about betraying Eric, she didn’t have the willpower within her to say no.

“Tomorrow soon,” she replied.

“Sounds great,” Zach said, his voice lilting so high that he sounded like a seven-year-old boy. “I’ll talk to you later.”

“Okay, good-bye,” Cassidy said.

She put the phone back in her purse and walked toward Geoffrey’s, knowing that she’d have to say good-bye to Eric—tonight soon.

After dinner, Cassidy and Eric took a virtually silent stroll down the beach to the Casa Malibu Inn. She shivered as a cool breeze swept across the sand, caus-ing the hairs on her arms to stand on end. This was her last chance to tell him the truth and break up with him—

or to turn around and run. She begged herself to open her mouth and speak, but before she had a chance, Eric had taken her hand and led her inside.

The lobby was cozy and quaint with sweet-smelling hibiscus flower arrangements. Cassidy could tell Eric was nervous from the way his shoulders hunched when he checked in with the stiffly manicured woman at the front desk. Then he led Cassidy down a long carpeted hallway lined with mirrors to a large elevator that whirred silently up to the master suite. Cassidy felt her heartbeat quicken every time the elevator beeped to indicate that they’d passed another floor. By the time they got to the top, beads of sweat had gathered under her hairline and her hands were clammy and cold. She could feel a different kind of nervous energy emanating from Eric, a kind of excited buzz that seemed to escalate as he shot her a quick, almost embarrassed grin.

Cassidy gasped when Eric opened the door to their room. Lit candles glowed on every surface, illuminating the soft, luxurious draperies and fluffy pillows on the king-size bed. Soft jazz music played in the background, champagne was chilling in a silver stand by the minibar, and a large box of Godiva chocolates sat on the nightstand. A trail of red rose petals led from the door to the bed, and the doors to the balcony were open slightly to let in a soft breeze and the sweet, wild smell of the Pacific. Cassidy remembered all the times she had dreamed of her first night with Eric, a scene just like this. But now she was ten seconds away from regurgitat-ing her grilled salmon dinner and spewing it onto the floor.

“What do you think?” Eric asked eagerly.

“Wow,” Cassidy said slowly. “You really went all out.”

“Do you like it?” Eric radiated anticipation.

Cassidy wished she could vaporize herself and drift out the window as a cloud of steam. But Eric’s eyes were pleading with her for approval, and she couldn’t bear to disappoint him.

“It’s beautiful,” she said. “I can’t believe you did all this.”

“It’s because you’re worth it,” Eric said.

He took her in his arms and leaned down for a kiss, opening her mouth with his tongue. He picked her up off the floor and she wrapped her legs around his waist, letting him walk both of them to the bed and set her gently down on the large, soft mattress. He knelt to unbuckle her shoes, kissing her ankles as he undid the straps. She watched him nibble his way up her legs until his head had disappeared under her skirt. She sighed and lay back on the bed.

Nothing had felt this good since her kiss with Zach.

Zach!
she said to herself.
This should be happening with
Zach.
Eric emerged from under her skirt when Cassidy’s body suddenly stiffened in his grasp. She knew that if she had sex with Eric right now and her heart was with someone else, she’d regret it for the rest of her life. She had to stop this and now. She was about to pull away when Eric beat her to it.

“Is everything all right?” he asked.

“Yeah …” Cassidy had no idea what to say next.

“I’m just … I don’t know… .”

“It’s okay,” Eric whispered. “I know you’re nervous.

We can take it slow.”

He stroked her hair gently and bent to kiss her neck.

Cassidy squeezed her eyes shut tight and begged herself to find a way to stop her world from spinning out of control. Eric’s mouth was next to her ear, and she could hear his breath growing heavier with excitement. There was no way she could go through with this. Things had already gone too far.

She jerked up so abruptly Eric nearly rolled off the bed. “We need to stop.”

“Did I do something wrong?” Eric sat up and smoothed his wrinkled blazer. His forehead creased with worry.

“I just don’t think I can do this,” Cassidy said miserably. She hugged her knees tightly to her chest. All she wanted to do was make herself as small as possible, so small she could just disappear.

“Why?” Eric asked. Cassidy could tell he was trying hard to be patient and realized how frustrating it must be for him. “I thought tonight …Well, I mean, I tried to make everything perfect.”

“No,” Cassidy whispered. “Everything is beautiful.

Dinner was lovely, and this room is so gorgeous, but I just … can’t.”

“I don’t understand,” he said. “I always thought it was just the wrong time and place. But how can
this
be wrong? We’ve been together for two years, and we’re all alone in a hotel room where nobody can see or hear us.”

“I know.” Cassidy felt like the most miserable creature in the universe. “It’s not that.”

“Then what is it? I mean, most people our age who have been together this long are having sex. So why aren’t we?”

“Do you really want to know?” Cassidy asked.

“Yes!” Eric nearly shouted. He took a deep breath and ran his hands over his hair. “I mean, yeah. Of course.”

“Okay.” Cassidy bit her lower lip so hard she nearly drew blood. It was now or never—she had to tell him about her feelings for Zach.

“It’s because you never told me you loved me,” she found herself saying.

Okay, that’s true, but not really the point I should be making right now!
Cassidy thought.

Eric’s eyes grew huge. “Cass, of
course
I love you!

Why would I be with you if I didn’t?”

Cassidy didn’t answer right away. Her mind was reeling. Her boyfriend had just said the three words she’d been waiting nearly two years to hear, and she found herself wishing desperately that she could make him take them back. Now he would expect her to fulfill
her
part of the bargain—and there was just no way she could go through with it.

“Cassidy,” Eric repeated, taking both of her hands in his and looking deep into her eyes. “I love you. I really do.”

She could actually feel her heart breaking inside her chest. It felt like pieces of it were crumbling off and splashing into her stomach. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” she whispered.

“I don’t know,” Eric said. “It just never occurred to me. I mean, I thought you knew that I loved you. I didn’t see why I’d have to say it out loud. Anyway, I can keep saying it. I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you. Do you want me to keep going?”

“No,” Cassidy said. She could feel tears gathering in the corners of her eyes. “That’s all right. I believe you.”

“Good!” Eric said. “So let’s start where we left off …”

He slid his hand up her knee and under her skirt again, closing his eyes as he leaned in to kiss her neck.

Cassidy waited a moment to see if her body would react differently now that she knew beyond a doubt that Eric loved her, but all that happened was that a thick cloud of pain rolled through her. She gently pushed him away once again.