The Shore of Women (41 page)

Later, I was carried to the gardens to see what grew there, and then some of the boys held a contest with spears, which Tulan won.

Yerlan and the Prayergiver sat with me during this contest. When it was over, the Headman leaned toward me. “The full moon will come again,” he murmured; I wondered why he was stating this obvious fact. “I shall come to the island on the day after the full moon appears, as I always do. Since You have come among us, Holy One, I have prayed that You will honor me.”

His dark eyes were fierce. My voice caught in my throat. He continued to stare at me until I said, “I thank you for all you have shown Me today, but I would return to My companion now.” His lip curled a little. For a moment, I was sure he had seen how frightened I was of him.

Near the island, a small flock of ducks was feeding among the reeds. The men, Nallei had told me, did not hunt the ducks when they came there, since they were considered under her protection. The three men who had come that morning were sitting by the rocks near their boat. One lifted his head and stared at me as I stepped ashore.

I hurried up to the hut, certain that Nallei would want to hear about my time in the camp. The inside of the hut was dark; the fire had gone out. I lifted the hide across the doorway and looped it over the pole that held it so that the setting sun could provide a little light.

Nallei stirred. She was sprawled on the mat; a leather shirt covered her body. Two empty jugs lay on their sides near her. She had been drinking again, probably for much of the day.

I leaned over her. “Nallei.”

She started up and threw a hand over her eyes, then clutched at the shirt. “No!”

I knelt. “Nallei, what’s the matter?”

She shook her head, then buried her face in her arms. Her shoulders shook; I thought I heard a sob. I reached for her shoulder, but she shied away. “You were drinking,” I said. “It’s no wonder you feel this way. The men brought us some wild strawberries. I’ll have them carry them up here. We can…”

“Get away from me.”

I got our fire burning again and sat near it while she slept, then laid a hide next to the fire. I slept uneasily that night, getting up occasionally to be sure Nallei was covered and to feel her brow. I worried that she might be ill but felt no fever.

She was better in the morning. She accepted a cup of tea and listened as I told her of my time in the camp, but said nothing until I had finished.

“I should apologize to you,” she said at last. “It was the wine that made me so irrational. I just want you to know…” She held out a hand. “You’ll be safe, Birana. I’ll see to it.”

“But what…”

“Enough! I’ve said what I have to say.” Her tone cowed me into silence. “It’s time for us to go to the cove.”

The time of the full moon came once more, and Nallei grew solemn as she prepared for her journey to the camp. She sat passively as I combed out her dark hair with my fingers and trimmed the curls around her face with a sharp stone. The sun had given her face a golden glow and the skin over her cheekbones was tighter, while her body was firmer from her swimming.

“You are beautiful, Nallei,” I told her.

She grimaced. “Beauty’s useless here.” She picked up a deerskin shirt and pulled it over her head, then hung a necklace of feathers around her neck.

“I’ll wear this one.” I picked up a shirt that had been made for me.

Nallei pulled on a pair of leather pants, then straightened. “You’re not going with me, Birana.”

“But I thought…”

“You’re not going. This is something I must do alone. The men will be told that your duty is to commune with invisible aspects of the Lady during this time. They’ll believe me.”

“But why…”

She grabbed my arm, twisting its flesh so hard that it hurt. “You’ll do as I say. I’ll decide things here.”

“Very well,” I muttered resentfully. I had hoped I might see Arvil in the camp, but knew there would be little time to speak to him during a ceremony, and tried not to feel too disappointed.

Nallei had drunk half a jar of wine by the time the men came for her; I wondered how she would stay awake while the Prayergiver prayed before her in his hut. Her voice was fuzzy and slightly slurred as she told the men why I would be remaining on the island. I watched as she walked with our guards toward the boat; the distant camp was already ablaze with torches.

I was now completely alone on the island for the first time, for the guards would remain in the camp until these ceremonies were over. I hurried to the cove, delighted at the chance to swim and lie on the rocks without worrying that a man might try to glimpse me there. Perhaps Nallei had sensed that I might want this time alone; I was grateful to her then, sorry that I had tried to argue with her.

It was dark when I returned to the hut. From across the bay, I heard the songs as the men chanted. I set wood on the fire, ate my supper, and sipped some of the wine Nallei had left. As the wine warmed me, I found myself wishing that I had asked for Arvil to be sent here now; we might have spoken freely with no one to overhear us. I could have shown him the cove.

I shook myself. It would have been mad to take him away from a ceremony of such importance to these men. The wine was going to my head. I closed my eyes and imagined that Arvil was with me, sitting with me by the fire. I seemed to feel his hand on my arm. I remembered how he had looked at me, how he had pressed his lips on mine, how I had felt for a moment.

My eyes shot open. I clutched at my belly, afraid I might be sick. I had felt some longing for him in that instant. I heard his voice as he spoke of the images in shrines, of the pleasures I might show him, and nearly cried out. I hated myself as I struggled with my thoughts; my time among men was making me unnatural, perhaps even insane. I had to root out this sickness, destroy it before Arvil saw me again.

I crawled toward the mat and stretched out until sleep came to me.

I tried to keep busy during the next day, but by afternoon, my solitude was growing oppressive. I cleaned out the hut, rearranged our belongings, aired out the hides we used on the mat. I could not keep still, afraid that if I did, more disturbing thoughts would come to me. I cleared the hearth of ashes; as I carried more wood inside, I heard voices out on the lake.

It was nearly evening. I lit a fire, cleaned my hands, then stood by the door, ready to greet Nallei and hear of the ceremony.

Yerlan soon appeared on the trail below; he was carrying a torch. A short, dark-haired man was at his side; he had dined with me in Yerlan’s dwelling, and now he carried a basket. Nallei walked behind them; as she looked up at me, I saw the strain on her face.

The shorter man set down his basket, then bowed. “I greet you,” I said, feeling that they expected some words from me. “I rejoice to see My companion again.”

Yerlan’s mouth tightened. I could not look at him and turned quickly toward Nallei. She swallowed; her eyes stared past me.

“Fellow aspect,” she said, “go from here to Our cove, and commune there with the unseen spirits. You shall be summoned later. It is Yerlan I must summon now.”

I stepped back, apprehensive at the look in her eyes. She and Yerlan clearly had important matters to discuss.

“Go!” she shouted. I stepped back as she went inside. Yerlan set his torch in the ground, then followed her.

I began to walk down toward the cove. The other man was following me. I spun around. “Leave Me.”

“Holy One.” He bowed, pressing his fingers to his forehead. “I am here to serve You.”

“Go back to your boat.”

I came to the cove and sat down on a rock. The night spread slowly across the bay; the disk of the moon sailed on the black, calm waters. I sat there for a long time, waiting for someone to call me, wondering what business Nallei had with Yerlan. At last I got up. Their talk might concern me, and what happened in this camp was now my business. I had been learning how to tread over the ground silently and had surprised Nallei a couple of times; I would test myself and see if I could overhear part of their discussion. Nallei was keeping secrets from me; I did not think of those I had kept from her.

I crept cautiously up the slope toward our hut, circling around until I was among the trees overlooking it. I moved silently past the ditch, then hunkered down in a dark place under the trees where I could see the door. Yerlan’s torch had nearly burned out; there was no sound from the hut.

The hide hanging in front of the door was suddenly lifted. I held my breath as Yerlan came out. He was bare to the waist; he reached down to adjust his belt. He threw his shirt over his shoulder and stumbled down along the trail as if intoxicated.

When he was gone, I hurried to the door and peered inside. The fire was burning low. Nallei lay on the mat, one arm flung over her eyes. Two empty jugs lay by the hearthstones. Nallei was naked. I stared at the disordered hides around her, at her bare, golden skin, at the tiny bruises fingers had made on her thighs.

I nearly screamed. I ran from the hut, heedless of the tree limbs that slashed at my face as I stumbled down the hill. When I was above the cove, my chest began to heave; I retched until my stomach was empty.

My feet carried me toward the rocks. I knelt to wash my face. I would leave this place, ride out on Flame and never return. I would not let the men stop me; I did not care where I went. I could swim out into the bay until I was too far from the island to swim back, then let the waters of the lake close over my head.

“Holy One,” a voice said.

I turned, startled. Yerlan’s companion was walking down the slope toward me. “Holy One,” he repeated as he came to the rocks. “The Headman has passed through the holy state and now sleeps soundly in the joy of that blessing. He sent me to guide You back to Your house.”

I got to my feet and stumbled toward him. My arms flew out as I struck him hard with my fists. He did not hit back but cowered as I punched at him. I wanted to hurt him, to hurt all of his kind; my nails bit into his arms.

“Lady!” he cried.

I stepped back, struggling for control. “That’s so you will understand your place,” I gasped. “My kind could sweep you from the face of the earth.” Tears stung my eyes; I wiped them away.

“I have angered You with my evil thoughts. I cannot hide them from You. I dreamed of the holy state with You while Yerlan was with the other Holy One, saw You before me, thought of joining…”

I hit him again. “Forgive me, Holy One!”

I panted for breath. “Never think such thoughts again.”

“Yerlan will find out I’ve angered You. He will punish me.”

My anger was gone. I gazed down at this frightened man, despising him. “Yerlan won’t learn of this from Me,” I said at last. “Get away from Me now. Go back to your Headman.”

He scrambled up the hill as I sank to the ground.

I remained by the cove until the eastern sky was gray with light, then stood up and walked along the shore.

The men were sleeping by their boat. I prodded the dark-haired one with my foot; he sat up quickly. Yerlan slept on.

“Holy One,” the man whispered as he passed his hand protectively over his face.

“My companion and I have matters to attend to,” I said. “I do not want either you or the Headman to come anywhere near Our dwelling until We summon you. Do you understand?”

He nodded. “I shall offend You no more.”

I walked up the trail, took a deep breath, and entered the hut. Nallei was waking; she raised herself on one elbow and stared at me. I sat and stirred the embers of the fire with a stick, then put on more wood from our pile.

She said, “You know.”

I said nothing as I went through the motions of preparing tea. “Listen to me,” she went on. “I wanted to tell you before. I knew you would have to find out, but I couldn’t say it to you.”

“What you do is disgusting.”

“Keep your voice down. The men might hear.”

“I told them to stay where they are until we called them.” I picked up stones and put them into the cups. “So this is how you’ve lived, degrading yourself.”

“This is how I have survived.”

“And this is what I’ve come to.”

She sat up and pulled on her shirt. As she crawled toward me, I saw that her eyes were red and smelled the sour odor of wine on her breath. “When I came here,” she said, “I had to tell them they could no longer seek blessings in shrines, but they still wanted them. Some of the bolder ones were soon saying that I must have come here to give them such blessings. The mindspeakers have taught them that the Lady seeks their embrace and rejoices in it. They’ve been conditioned to long for and respond to a woman’s form and to want that even more than they want each other. Our cities have done their work all too well.”

My tea was nearly ready, but I could not swallow any.

“One day, a man came to my hut and tried to take me against my will. I called out, and his companion beat him so senseless for the deed that he died soon afterward, but I knew someone else might try the same thing and discover I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t change their impulses, I could only try to control them. Yerlan was one of those who was saying I had come to grant the band blessings. He became Headman two years after I came here. I knew I had to act then.”

“It was you who started the full moon ceremony,” I said.

“It was that, or finding a way for the healer Wirlan to bring me poison. I considered that—I could have told Wirlan that such poisons would have no power over me. But I couldn’t give up my life even then.”

She had been carried into the camp for the first ceremony, and there she had entered the Prayergiver’s hut and had joined with him. She had fortified herself with wine and even then the Prayergiver was too old to do much more than lie upon her. But Yerlan, as Headman, also expected to be summoned, and she had brought him back to the island. He had been quite different from the Prayergiver, strong and young and fueled by the potion he had drunk. Even the wine had not blurred the torment of meeting his demands.

Nallei soon realized that she would have to call others of the band from time to time. What had begun as an evil and sordid necessity soon gave her a stronger hold on the men. Those who had been called worshipped her all the more; those who had not could hope to win her favor.