The Story of God (15 page)

Looking to one side, God saw Tanfoot Jesus gazing at him with a strange expression on his face. What was it? Dismay? Revulsion? Pity? God stared back at Tanfoot until his son looked away. Suddenly there was a ruckus among the angels and elders looking down at earth.

The Antichrist had emerged from hell and was now killing God's people. (Rev. 11:7) Enraged, God caused a huge earthquake. (Rev. 11:12) And at that moment, something utterly unexpected happened: For an instant,
everyone on earth loved and respected God!
(Rev. 11:13) He almost couldn't believe what he was seeing: “What did I just
do?”
he wondered. “I've caused hundreds of earthquakes, why did that one work?” He didn't know, but it was a glorious, albeit fleeting, moment. The elders threw themselves at his feet and proclaimed his greatness, which they did all the time, sure, but at that moment, it felt very good.

One of the elders looked up at God from the ground and encouraged him to destroy earth. (Rev. 11:18) God looked down at him, deeply irritated, thinking, “Have you been paying any attention, old man? I made stars crash into earth and turned the oceans to blood and sent stinging insects with human faces and crowns and you say to me, ‘Destroy it!'” God was so annoyed by the remark that he stomped this elder to death.

Then … what was
happening?
Suddenly a pregnant woman—it was Mary, obviously—stood before God in heaven. (Rev. 12:2) A seven-headed dragon was there too; the dragon flung billions more stars into earth (Rev. 12:3–4) (which was proving to be surprisingly resilient!). The pregnant woman gave birth, then ran away. (Rev. 12:6) God grabbed the child and sat him on his
lap; he was fairly sure this was yet another Jesus. But this was all head-spinningly strange, to be honest. What was the chronology here? Hadn't Jesus already lived and died? Why was there a baby him? And what was this seven-headed dragon doing in heaven? If it was Satan—God instantly knew that it was, who else could it be?—this was deeply unsettling. Satan was taking the shape of a giant dragon and entering his home?!

“Was this my plan?”
God asked himself. And for the very first time, he knew that it wasn't. He worked in mysterious ways, yes, but being assaulted in heaven? No. Satan was not his servant anymore, that was evident. He'd apparently been biding his time, getting ready for the end of the world, and now he was attacking.

“Where is my
security?”
God bellowed, before remembering that he'd sent two million angels to earth to murder humans. (Rev. 8:15–16) There was no one left in heaven but the old men, the eyeball-monsters, Tanfoot Jesus, and Baby Jesus. God quickly recalled some angels to heaven and they sent the seven-headed dragon tumbling down to earth (Rev. 12:9), where he tried to kill the woman who'd given birth. God, looking down, Baby Jesus on his lap, was incensed. “How dare he try to kill the mother of my son!” he boomed. He handed Baby Jesus to Tanfoot Jesus, saying, “Here, he's you as a baby, take care of him.”

God was pleased, though somewhat surprised, when the woman sprouted wings and flew away. (Rev. 12:14) Then his jaw dropped as he saw a beast emerge from the ocean. God had to admit that this beast was a pretty inspired creation. It was a lion-leopard-bear with seven heads. (Rev. 13:2) God even briefly considered whether Satan's monster was more impressive than his own flying horses, crowned insects, or singing, eyeball-covered monsters. He decided it was not—but it was damned good. (“It's like we're in a Godzilla movie,” God noted approvingly to himself.) Satan's beast attacked God's followers and defeated them, which was infuriating, but what was even
more
upsetting was the response of all those vile nonbelievers. God had
hammered
them, remember, and they hadn't even
believed
in him. But now
Satan shows up and gets to work and guess what? Instantly everybody likes him. (Rev. 13:4)

Tanfoot Jesus tried to suggest that perhaps the nonbelievers liked Satan more because God had essentially made war on them, but God would have none of that. He was starting to loathe Tanfoot Jesus by this time. (As for Baby Jesus, he was cute, but he cried a lot and didn't sleep very well.) God was not happy with how things were going: Satan was “off the reservation,” attacking him in heaven, then taking over earth and killing all God's followers and then, most infuriatingly of all, getting the love and respect that God had always wanted from mankind in the process! God knew how all this must have looked to his angels, so he loudly proclaimed, “Everything is going
exactly
according to my plan!” But he knew it wasn't true.

Most of mankind despised God and loved the beast. It was horrible. It was the worst possible thing God could have imagined, honestly: To be hated by most of his creations, while his enemy was loved. Satan was obviously feeling confident, because he now created yet
another
beast, and this one compelled humans to not simply love, but to worship the first beast. (Rev. 13:11–12) “He deluded them!” God shrieked when they did so—but he knew it wasn't true.

This was bad, this was awful. God knew he had to hit back, and quickly. He thought things over for a long moment, then literally gasped as a brilliant idea hit him. “I will stop Satan and his beasts by sending Lamb Jesus against them, along with an army of male virgins who all have my name tattooed on their foreheads!
That
will show them!” (Rev. 14:4) God clapped his hands together, extremely pleased with this idea. Satan, his two beasts, and pretty much the entire population of earth didn't stand a chance against God's lamb-led army of male virgins!

Or wait …
Was
this a good idea? Maybe he should soften earth up a little bit first?

Yes, that's what he would do. God sent his angels to fly around the earth with sickles and chop people to pieces. (Rev. 14:14–20)
It was extremely bloody and horrible—exactly as God wished. “I hate mankind,” he murmured to himself as he watched people get beheaded, or lopped to pieces. “I always have hated them.” He felt happy watching this dark and beautiful vengeance on these creatures who had hurt him so many times over the past several thousand years. “Proud of yourselves now?” he jeered as the blood flowed. “Disbelieve in me
now?!”
he howled as the heads rolled. God found himself laughing loudly, nearly uncontrollably, tears rolling down his face, his whole body shaking, struggling to breathe, gasping, wheezing with laughter—and for a second the thought “I'm like a crazy villain” flitted across his mind.

The only thing that would make this global massacre even more enjoyable was a song. God instructed some of his angels to sing to him as the carnage rolled over earth. “
You great and wonderful God, fair and true,”
they sang, while strumming harps. (Rev. 15:3–4) This was … sublime. Watching mankind get butchered while this song of praise was sung to him was one of the happiest moments in God's eternal existence.

It was irritating that even at this point, people still didn't believe in God, but you know what, whatever. God was past that. Most of mankind was hopeless. It was good that so many didn't believe in him, actually. More people to chop up and send plagues at! God turned the oceans to pure blood and made the sun explode. The earth was ravaged, brutalized, devastated—exactly as it had always deserved to be. (Rev. 16:1–12) God loved looking down at the misery and anguish of his long-time enemies, the nonbelievers.

Only one thing bothered him.

Where were Satan and his beasts?
Why were they simply allowing God to attack them, and not raising a finger in self-defense? Was this another one of Satan's diabolical tricks? “I'm going to take them out,” God suddenly decided. He'd had more than enough of Satan; it was time to remove him and his allies. God sent an angel flying over the beast's throne. The angel poured some holy wrath down and … strange, very strange … the beast surrendered. (Rev. 16:17)

“Why did he surrender?” God asked himself. Also: Where is the
other
beast? And, most importantly, where is
Satan?
Was this an ambush of some sort? God found himself chewing on a fingernail, nervous.

He finished earth off with yet another giant earthquake and
huge falling rocks, killing a lot more people (Rev. 16:18–21)—but that was beside the point now. Satan was up to something, and God knew what. “He's wanted to run this thing from the beginning!” he thought to himself. “But there is
no way
I am going to allow that to happen. Think of all the awful things Satan's done, like … well, like talking to that woman in the garden! … Or beating me in that bet about Job! … Or creating the two beasts!” God was not going to put mankind in this guy's clutches. “Absolutely not!” he murmured to himself as he watched his angels finish butchering some children.

But how to handle Satan?—that was the question. He couldn't just be “killed” for two reasons: (1) He seemed to be immortal and eternal, like God, and (2) God
did
need him to run hell. He wasn't happy about this, but it was how it was. Hell had been Satan's idea, and he was the only one who could run it. God thought the situation over for a long moment, then nodded decisively. He knew exactly what to do.

The next day, God and Satan met in secret, in what had been a lush forest on earth, but was now a scorched, bloody wasteland. It was near dark.

Satan gazed coolly at God, hesitated for a moment, then said, “So you're suggesting that we share power then?”

God shook his head firmly. “No, Satan, that is
not
what I said,” he instantly retorted. “What I am proposing is not a ‘power sharing agreement' in
any
sense. What I said was that
if
you help me with punishing Babylon—”

“Wait, you're
still
hung up on Babylon?” (Rev. 16:19)

“I vowed to destroy it and I intend to.”

“And sending 30 billion suns into the earth wasn't enough punishment?”

“No, it was not,
Babylon is a whore.”
(Rev. 17:1) “Now will you please let me finish?”

“Go on.”

“
If
you help me with Babylon, then I will … ahem … assist you.”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning … In the final battle between us, which we both know is inevitable, you—
sometimes
—will be allowed to win.”

“Uh huh.”

“Also, when you lose and are imprisoned, it will be, shall we say … temporary.”

“How temporary?”

“A million years.”

“Much too long.”

“Fine. A hundred thousand years then.”

“No.”

“Ten thousand, and I will
not
go lower, Satan.”

“One thousand.”

“One
thousand?!
No, absolutely not! That will fly by.”

“Exactly.”

There was a long silence; God and Satan stared at each other. God looked irate, Satan was impassive. Finally, he started to turn away. “Punish Babylon yourself, God.”

God gritted his teeth, hesitated for a second, then called out: “Fine, a thousand years then! But
after
that, when you are released, Satan, understand that you will be flung into the lake of fire.”

“By who?”

“By Jesus—one of them anyway. Not Tanfoot, he's a pussy.”

“Why don't you kill me yourself, God?”

“Because I want one of my Jesuses to do it,
alright?”

“Because you're scared of me and always have been is more like it.”

God was aghast, disbelieving. “How dare—?”

“What kind of man sends his child to fight for him?
A coward, that's who.”

“ENOUGH!”

Silence. Satan stared at God for a moment, then suddenly nodded. “Fine, it's a deal. We'll share power.”

“I specifically
told
you—!”

Satan talked right over God. “Since you're obviously too weak to punish Babylon yourself, I'll do it for you. I'll let you imprison me for a thousand years, then go back to hell when your son quote unquote ‘kills' me. I'll play dead there for awhile before I come back and we start this whole business all over again, as we have so many times before.”

God gasped, shocked at Satan's insolence. “That is an absurd way to—!”

“Here's a contract. Sign right there.”

“What, you drew up a contract?”

“That's right.”

“But this was
my
idea.”

They stared at each other in silence for a long, tense moment. Then God seized the pen from Satan's hand and signed the contract.

The secret deal was made and put into practice. Satan let Babylon have it, which was excellent. As angels watched Babylon destroyed, they yelled down, “Kill her, burn her!” (Rev. 17:16–17) God felt a little bit weird, because they were essentially cheering for Satan at that moment. But it was so gratifying to see that slutty whore Babylon destroyed that God couldn't help but join in the cheering: “Kill her, burn her, kill her, burn her!” Swordmouth Jesus got ready to swoop down to earth to battle Satan. His blood-red robe had “King of Kings, Lord of Lords” written on it. (Rev. 19:16) That showed confidence, God thought. (Or did it? Would Satan wear a hat that said “Prince of Darkness”? God wondered. Was there something vaguely desperate about it?)

Swordmouth Jesus looked great flying down to earth, fearsome and righteous. God looked forward to the battle that was about to take place between Swordmouth and Satan. Satan would lose the battle, that had already been agreed upon. He would then be locked up for the also-agreed-upon thousand years. God smiled eagerly, very much looking forward to this fi
^ght.

And then … what the hell
happened?
Did he fall asleep for a minute or something? One moment, Swordmouth Jesus was zooming down to earth, the next moment Satan's two beasts were being tossed into the lake of fire! (Rev. 19:20) God shook
his head, confused. Had there been a climactic fight between the beasts and Swordmouth Jesus, which culminated in Jesus shooting his sword out of his mouth and causing the beasts to topple backwards into hell? God liked to think so, but he had no idea, and that was annoying. After all this time, Jesus and the beasts had had it out and he'd
missed it?