The Sunset Limited: A Novel in Dramatic Form (9 page)

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Authors: Cormac McCarthy

BOOK: The Sunset Limited: A Novel in Dramatic Form

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The black leans back and regards the professor. He reaches and picks up the newspaper from the table and leans back again and adjusts his glasses.

Black		Let’s see here. Story on page three.
He folds the paper elaborately.

Black		Yeah. Here it is. Friends report that the man had ignored all advice and had stated that he intended to pursue his own course.
He adjusts his glasses.

Black		A close confidant stated (he looks up) —and this here is a quotation—said: You couldnt tell the son of a bitch nothin. (He looks up again) Can you say that in the papers? Son of a bitch? Meanwhile, bloodspattered spectators at the hundred and fifty-fifth street station—continued on page four.
He wets his thumb and laboriously turns the page and refolds the paper.

Black		—who were interviewed at the scene all reported that the man’s last words as he hurtled toward the oncomin commuter train were: I am right.
He lays down the paper and adjusts his spectacles and peers over the top of them at the professor.
White		Very funny.
The black takes off his glasses and lowers his head and pinches the bridge of his nose and shakes his head.

Black		Oh Professor. Mm. You an amazin man.
White		I’m glad you find me entertaining.
Black		Well, you pretty special.
White		I dont think I’m special.
Black		You dont.
White		No. I dont.
Black		You dont think you might view them other commuters from a certain height?
White		I view those other commuters as fellow occupants of the same abyssal pit in which I find myself. If they see it as something else I dont know how that makes me special.
Black		Mm. I hear what you sayin. But still I keep comin back to them commuters. Them that’s waitin on the Sunset? I got to think maybe they could be just a little bit special theyselves. I mean, they got to be in a deeper pit than just us daytravelers. A deeper and a darker. I aint sayin they down as deep as you, but pretty deep maybe.
White		So?
Black		So how come they cant be your brothers in despair and selfdestruction? I thought misery loved company?
White		I’m sure I don’t know.
Black		Well let me take a shot at it.
White		Be my guest.
Black		What I think is that you got better reasons then them. I mean, their reasons is just that they dont like it here, but yours says what they is not to like and why not to like it. You got more intelligent reasons. More elegant reasons.
White		Are you making fun of me?
Black		No. I aint.
White		But you think I’m full of shit.
Black		I dont think that. Oh I dont doubt but what it’s possible to die from bein full of shit. But I dont think that’s what we lookin at here.
White		What do you think we’re looking at?
Black		I dont know. You got me on unfamiliar ground. You got these elegant world class reasons for takin the Limited and these other dudes all they got is maybe they just dont feel good. In fact, it might could be that you aint even all that unhappy.
White		You think that my education is driving me to suicide.
Black		Well, no. I’m just posin the question. Wait a minute. Fore you answer.
He takes his pad and his pencil and begins to write laboriously, his tongue in the corner of his mouth, grimacing. This for the professor’s benefit. He looks sideways at him and smiles. He tears off the page and folds it and puts it in his shirtpocket.

Black		All right. Go ahead.
White		I think that’s the most ridiculous thing I ever heard.
The black takes the folded paper from his pocket and hands it across. The professor opens it and reads it aloud.

White		I think that’s the most ridiculous thing I ever heard. Very clever. What’s the point?
Black		The point dont change. The point is always the same point. It’s what I said before and what I keep lookin for ways to say it again. The light is all around you, cept you dont see nothin but shadow. And the shadow is you. You the one makin it.
White		Well, I dont have your faith. Why dont we just leave it at that.
Black		You dont never think about maybe just startin over?
White		I did. At one time. I dont any more.
Black		Sometimes faith might just be a case of not havin nothin else left.
White		Well, I do have something else.
Black		Maybe you could just keep that in reserve. Maybe just take a shot at startin over. I dont mean start again. Everbody’s done that. Over means over. It means you just walk away. I mean, if everthing you are and everthing you have and everthing you have done has brought you at last to the bottom of a whiskey bottle or bought you a one way ticket on the Sunset Limited then you cant give me the first reason on God’s earth for salvagin none of it. Cause they aint no reason. And I’m goin to tell you that if you can bring yourself to shut the door on all of that it will be cold and it will be lonely and they’ll be a mean wind blowin. And them is all good signs. You dont say nothin. You just turn up your collar and keep walkin.
White		I cant.
Black		Yeah.
White		I cant.
Black		You want some more coffee?
White		No. Thank you.
Black		Why do you think folks takes their own lives?
White		I dont know. Different reasons.
Black		Yeah. But is there somethin them different reasons has got in common?
White		I cant speak for others. My own reasons center around a gradual loss of make-believe. That’s all. A gradual enlightenment as to the nature of reality. Of the world.
Black		Them worldly reasons.
White		If you like.
Black		Them elegant reasons.
White		That was your description.
Black		You didnt disagree with it.
The professor shrugs.

Black		It’s them reasons that your brother dont know nothin about hangin by his necktie from the steampipe down in the basement. He got his own dumb-ass reasons, but maybe if we could educate him to where some of them more elegant reasons was available to him and his buddies then they’d be a lot of folks out there could off theyselves with more joy in they hearts. What do you think?
White		Now I know you’re being facetious.
Black		This time I think you’re right. I think you have finally drove me to it.
White		Mm hm.
Black		Well, the professor’s done gone to layin the mm hm’s on me. I better watch my step.
White		Yes you had. I might be warming up the trick bag.
Black		But still you think that your reasons is about the world and his is mostly just about him.
White		I think that’s probably true.
Black		I see a different truth. Settin right across the table from me.
White		Which is?
Black		That you must love your brother or die.
White		I dont know what that means. That’s another world from anything I know.
Black		What’s the world you know.
White		You dont want to hear.
Black		Sure I do.
White		I dont think so.
Black		Go ahead.
White		All right. It’s that the world is basically a forced labor camp from which the workers—perfectly innocent—are led forth by lottery, a few each day, to be executed. I dont think that this is just the way I see it. I think it’s the way it is. Are there alternate views? Of course. Will any of them stand close scrutiny? No.
Black		Man.
White		So. Do you want to take a look at that train schedule again?
Black		And they aint nothin to be done about it.
White		No. The efforts that people undertake to improve the world invariably make it worse. I used to think there were exceptions to that dictum. I dont think that now.
The black sits back, looking down at the table. He shakes his head slightly.

White		What else do you want to talk about?
Black		I dont know. Them sounds to me like the words of a man on his way to the train station.
White		They are those words.
Black		What do you think about that man?
White		I’m like you. I dont. I used to. Now I dont. I think about minimalizing pain. That is my life. I dont know why it isnt everyone’s.
Black		You dont think gettin run over by a train might smart just a little?
White		No. I did the calculations. At seventy miles an hour the train is outrunning the neurons. It should be totally painless.
Black		I’m goin to be stuck with your ass for a while, aint I?
White		I hope not.
Black		If this aint the life you had in mind, what was?
White		I dont know. Not this. Is your life the one you’d planned?
Black		No, it aint. I got what I needed instead of what I wanted and that’s just about the best kind of luck you can have.
White		Yes. Well.
Black		You cant compare your life to mine, can you?
White		In all honesty, no. I cant.
Black		Mm.
White		I’m sorry. I should go.
Black		You dont have to go.
White		I’ve offended you.
Black		I got a thicker hide than that, Professor. Just stay. You aint hurt my feelins.
White		I know you think that I should be thankful and I’m sorry not to be.
Black		Now Professor, I dont think no such a thing.
White		I should go.
Black		I’m diggin a dry hole here, aint I?
White		I admire your persistence.
Black		What can I do to get you to stay a bit?
White		Why? Are you hoping that if I stay long enough God might speak to me?
Black		No, I’m hopin he might speak to me.
White		I know you think I at least owe you a little more of my time. I know I’m ungrateful. But ingratitude is not the sin to a spiritual bankrupt that it is to a man of God.
Black		You dont owe me nothin, Professor.
White		Do you really think that?
Black		Yes. I really do.
White		Well. You’re very kind. I wish there was something I could do to repay you but there isnt. So why dont we just say goodbye and you can get on with your life.
Black		I cant.
White		You cant?
Black		No.
White		What do you want me to do?
Black		I dont know. Suppose you could wake up tomorrow and you wouldnt be wantin to jump in front of no train. Suppose all you had to do was ask. Would you do it?
White		It would depend on what I had to give up.
Black		I started to write that down and put it in my pocket.
White		What is it that you think I’m holding on to? What is it that the terminal commuter cherishes that he would die for?
Black		I dont know. I dont know.
White		No.
Black		You dont want to talk to me no more, do you?
White		I thought you had a thick skin.
Black		It’s pretty thick. It aint hide to the bone.
White		Why do you think it? Why do you think there is something?
Black		I dont know. It just seems to me that a man that cant wait for a train to run over him has got to have somethin on his mind. Most folks would settle for maybe just a slap up the side of the head. You say you dont care about nothin but I dont believe that. I dont believe that death is ever about nothin. You asked me what I thought it was you was holdin on to and I got to say I dont know. Or maybe I just dont have the words to say it. And maybe you know but you aint sayin. But I believe that when you took your celebrated leap you was holdin on to it and takin it with you. Holdin on for grim death. I look for the words, Professor. I look for the words because I believe that the words is the way to your heart.
White		You think that anyone in my position is automatically blind to the workings of his own psyche.
Black		I think that anybody in your position is automatically blind. But that aint the whole story. Because we still talkin bout the rest of them third railers and them takin one train and you takin another.
White		I didnt say that.
Black		Sure you did. They got a train for all them dumb-ass crackers that just feels bad and then they got this other train for you cause your pain and the world’s pain is the same pain and this train requires a observation car and a diner.
White		Well. You can think what you want. You dont need my agreement.
Black		I know. But that aint the way to the trick bag.
White		Well. The trick bag seems to have shaped itself up into some sort of communal misery wherein one finds salvation by consorting among the loathsome.
Black		Damn, Professor. You puttin me in the bag. Where you come up with stuff like that?
White		It was phrased especially for you. For your enjoyment. You see what a whore I am?
Black		No you aint. You a smart man. Too smart for me.
White		I feel the bag yawning.
Black		I wish I knew how.
White		Do you really think that? That I’m too smart for you?
Black		Yes I do. If you can jack you own self around nine ways from Sunday I’d like to know what chance you think I got.
White		I see.
Black		What I need to do here is to buy more time. But I dont know what to buy it with.
White		You dont know what to offer a man about to board the Limited.
Black		No. I dont. I feel like I’m about traded out.
White		Maybe you are. Have you ever dealt with suicides?
Black		No. You the first one. These junkies and crack-heads is about as far from suicide as you can get. They wouldnt even know what you was talkin about. They wake up in pain ever day. Bad pain. But they aint headed for the depot. Now you can say, well, they got a fix for their pain. Just need to hustle on out there and get it. And that’s a good argument. But still we got this question. Just what is this pain that is causin these express riders to belly up at the kiosk with the black crepe. What kind of pain we talkin about? I got to say that if it was grief that brought folks to suicide it’d be a full time job just to get em all in the ground come sundown. So I keep comin back to the same question. If it aint what you lost that is more than you can bear then maybe it’s what you wont lose. What you’d rather die than to give up.
White		But if you die you will give it up.
Black		No you wont. You wont be here.
White		Well. I cant help you. Letting it all go is the place I finally got to. It took a lot of work to get there and if there is one thing I would be unwilling to give up it is exactly that.
Black		You got any other way of sayin that?
White		The one thing I wont give up is giving up. I expect that to carry me through. I’m depending on it. The things I believed in were very frail. As I said. They wont be around for long and neither will I. But I dont think that’s really the reason for my decision. I think it goes deeper. You can acclimate yourself to loss. You have to. I mean, you like music, right?
Black		Yes I do.
White		Who’s the greatest composer you know of?
Black		John Coltrane. Hands down.
White		Do you think his music will last forever?
Black		Well. Forever’s a long time, Professor. So I got to say no. It wont.
White		But that doesnt make it worthless, does it?
Black		No it dont.
White		You give up the world line by line. Stoically. And then one day you realize that your courage is farcical. It doesnt mean anything. You’ve become an accomplice in your own annihilation and there is nothing you can do about it. Everything you do closes a door somewhere ahead of you. And finally there is only one door left.
Black		That’s a dark world, Professor.
White		Yes.
Black		What’s the worst thing ever happen to you?
White		Getting snatched off a subway platform one morning by an emissary of Jesus.
Black		I’m serious.
White		So am I.
Black		Before this mornin. What was the worst thing.
White		I dont know.
Black		Well, let’s pretend you dont know then. Still, do you reckon it was about you? Or about somebody close to you?
White		Probably someone close to me.
Black		I think that’s probably right. Dont that tell you somethin?
White		Yes. Dont get close to people.
Black		You a hard case, man.
White		How else could I win your love?
Black		You probably right. Let me try this. I dont believe that the world can be better than what you allow it to be. Dark a world as you live in, they aint goin to be a whole lot of surprises in the way of good news.
White		I’m sure that’s true.
Black		Well jubilation. Listen at the professor.
White		But I’m at a loss as to how to bring myself to believe in some most excellent world when I already know that it doesnt exist.
Black		Most excellent.
White		Yes.
Black		I sure do like that. Most excellent.
White		Do you actually believe in such a world?
Black		Yes I do, Professor. Yes I do. I think it’s there for the askin. You got to get in the right line. Buy the right ticket. Take that regular commuter train and stay off the express. Stay on the platform with your fellow commuter. You might even want to nod at him. Maybe even say hello. All of them is travelers too. And they’s some of em been places that most people dont want to go to. They didnt neither. They might even tell you how they got there and maybe save you a trip you’ll be thankful you didnt take.
White		Yes. Well, that’s not going to happen.
Black		Why not?
White		Because I dont believe in that world. I just want to take the train. Look, why dont I just go?
Black		How about some more coffee?
White		No thank you.
Black		What can I do?
White		Maybe you just need to accept that you’re in over your head.
Black		I do accept it. It dont let me off the hook though.

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