The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman's Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible (28 page)

              What did I just do?  I opened a conversation topic – without quite finishing it.  That's an open loop.  The unconscious mind of your listener will crave closure and want to hear the rest.  For example, you'd say, "That reminds me of a trip I took with my sister to Carnaval in Brazil – it was
sooo
much fun... but we can get back to that later."  Missing information is mystery, and mystery increases your attractiveness.  So open some loops with the promise of closing them later – and your King Shahryar (minus bloodthirsty intent) will want to come back for more.

Leave open physical loops.
  If you give good hand massages and you massage both his hands, you close the loop.  If you just massage one hand, he will wonder when the next hand gets the attention, and you'll have an open loop.  If you kiss him good-night on the cheek but not on the lips, you're creating an open loop.  Next time, if you kiss him on the lips but keep your mouth closed, you're creating another open loop.  You get the idea: leave him wanting more. 

              You're overdoing it when you're sabotaging your own fun purely for the sake of form.  If you're dying for a torrid makeout session with the man of your dreams and you know you're not going to see him until you come back from your monthlong business trip, by all means go for it.  You can be savvy without turning into a nun.

Hint at future shared activities.
  When you find out things you have in common, describe what it would be like to do it together: "Oh my god, we should definitely go do a salsa class together!  I really enjoy dancing, and love it when a man leads well on the dance floor."  Now he's imagined himself having a good time dancing with you, holding you in his arms and twirling you around, and if it doesn't happen, it's a
perceived loss
for him.  People are much more motivated to prevent loss than they are to go for gain, so he's now more likely to want to see you again.

Give him a chance to shine.
  Did he say he could beat you at air hockey?  That he makes a mean lasagna?  Bring it on, you say – on the next date.  You're giving him a chance to show you how cool he is (guys love that)
and
ensuring yourself a subsequent meeting, you crafty woman. 

              What you don't want to do too often is to issue the man a challenge.  That's one of the emasculating behaviors we just covered.  Challenging is a function of the
masculine
– the kind of thing his guy buddies are for.  If you challenge him, you risk compromising the yin-yang polarity.  In the meantime, you
are
craftily setting up an opportunity to make him look good.  When he looks good, he feels good, he attributes that good feeling to you, and he will want to see you again.  And even if you're the world air-hockey champion, when you let him win (by the smallest of margins, of course), you both win in the long term.

Physical intimacy: timing it right

              The question "How do I know it's the right time to sleep with a guy?" has been and always will be a perennial favorite.  True, as the woman, you may have most of the sexual power in the relationship.  If you want sex to happen, it usually does, and if you don't want it to happen, it doesn't.  However, this does not make your predicament any simpler.  If you move too fast, does that reflect on your character and reputation?  If you take too long, will his ardor cool?  Should you initiate?  Is there such a thing as having too much experience?  Or not enough?  What will he think?             

              What I really like about the Taoist way of thinking is its simplicity.  The
Tao Te Ching
does not address the question of sex directly.  However, there is the passage from Chapter 23 which I find relevant to this topic:

Those who follow the Tao

Become one with the Tao.

She who follows right action

Becomes one with virtue.

When you are at one with the Tao,

The Tao welcomes you.

When you are at one with virtue,

Virtue always welcomes you. 

Trust your natural responses…

              So I would imagine that if the
Tao Te Ching
were to answer the 'when' question we posed at the beginning of this section, the answer would be simple, succinct, and come mostly from within you.  It may even sound like this:
you should only have sex when you really want to.

              Assuming that you're clear with your own motivations and that you've done your homework and picked a Good Guy, that guideline should suffice.  It may sound simplistic, but consider this.  There are people out there having sex when they
don't
want to.  And there are plenty of people
not
having sex when they really want to.  Those policies aren't necessarily aligned with your fulfillment.

              Notice also that the 'when you really want to' policy exists in the
now
.  We're all for foresight, but you simply don't have access to the future – all we have is the present.  Also, dwelling on the past and the way things unfolded the last time and the time before isn't going to be helpful either.  It's you, your guy, your desire, and your best judgment
right now
.  So quit overthinking it already.

              It's also free of any notions of guilt, shame, and opinions of third parties.  The ancient Taoist masters thought of sex as sacred communion between two consenting adults.  Practiced properly, it is a path to improved health, longevity, and spiritual development.  This simple, straightforward formulation, plus the absence of the concept of sin in Taoist thought, is in contrast to the complications that certain religious traditions heap upon sexual intimacy. 

              Whatever religion you were raised in and however old you are today, it's never too soon to relinquish all those extra complications that get in the way of your fulfillment.  Let's face it: sex is fun, and you enjoy it.  A lot.  And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.  In fact, it means you're a healthy, vivacious woman with the forces of nature coursing freely through your veins.  Amen to that.

              At the same time, sexual energy is a powerful force.  To ensure that it's a source of fulfillment in your life, it's important to use it judiciously.  It's a bit like a tiger: let loose untamed, it can cause damage; tamed, it can serve you.  That's why we're saying
when you really want to
as opposed to
whenever you want to
.  That's the difference between the tiger tamed and the tiger let loose, a constructive force and a potentially destructive one. 

              So let go of all the arbitrary labels.  Sex isn't right or wrong or dirty or clean – it simply is.  You're not a slut if you've slept with several men (whatever several means to you).  And you're not a prude if you take your time to get physically intimate with someone.  You're just you.  Suspend judgment, and see things simply as they are.

Balancing desire and empowerment

              It's no news to you that sex is a major motivator of men in their pursuit of women.  So if you were to offer it up too early, you stand to lose some leverage in the relationship.  However, if you're really good at sex, you will probably
gain
leverage once you start sleeping together, since he'll be coming back for more.  So the more skilled you are sexually, the earlier you can afford to initiate sexual relations with a man without losing leverage. 

              I've mentioned the word
leverage
a few times here, so let me make something clear: sex is, above all, a shared experience of joy, not a business transaction.  The joy is tarnished when it's used as a bargaining chip or a tool to manipulate and control.  At the same time, I do want you to be aware of how initiating sexual activity relates to your empowerment and long-term fulfillment in a relationship.  Awareness is good.

              If there's a downside to jumping into things too early, there's also a downside to delaying too much – namely, loss of your own fulfillment.  Allow me to illustrate with an example.  Let's say you bought yourself a nice slice of chocolate cake, and you're saving it for a time to really enjoy it.  You think about it at work, imagining how delightful it would be to go home and, after a long day of work, treat yourself to this luscious dessert.

              You get home, open the refrigerator door, look at the slice of cake, and think, "Well, if I have it
tomorrow
, it'll be even better, because I'll want it that much more."  So you wait another day.  And perhaps another day.  On the third day, when you finally take out the chocolate cake, you notice a little white spot on it – it's started to spoil, and it's no longer good to eat.  You ruefully throw the cake in the trash, and with it, the promise of fulfillment.  The middle path of the Tao here is balancing your own fulfillment with your leverage in the relationship so you get to eat your cake while remaining empowered. 

              Also keep in mind that you gain some very valuable pieces of information after having sex with a man.  First is whether he's really after you or just wants sex.  If the former, then he'll usually be
more
interested
after
sleeping with you.  If he was just looking for another notch on his bedpost, his interest will wane. 

              Second, you get to find out if you're sexually compatible with each other.  It's best to find that out sooner rather than later.  A prolonged and intense non-physical romance can lead to a lot of frustration if you find out late in the game that you're really not right for each other sexually, which is the topic of the next section. 

The importance of sexual compatibility

              We discussed this briefly in Chapter 10 on the three-chakra connection, and it is important enough to bear repetition.  If you aim to have a long-term relationship with a man, it's paramount that you be sexually compatible to one another.  This is the story of the impending divorce or breakup I've heard a thousand times: "Oh, he's so great on paper, and we have everything in common, and he's just the sweetest guy, and I know I
should
be hot for him, but there's just no sexual chemistry." 

              There is no such thing as
should
be hot for him, sister – you either are or you're not.  And it's called chemistry because it has everything to do with chemicals in your body and your genetic design.  Without getting too much into the science here, there are deep-seated reasons why nature determines whether two people are sexually compatible that bear upon the health of their potential offspring.  For example, nature has built-in systems for making siblings sexually unattractive to each other, since their kids could potentially come out with three heads and five limbs. 

              This is the Tao operating at its most basic, so heed its call.  If you're sexually incompatible with a guy, there's probably a very good reason for it.  So no matter how wonderful he is otherwise, it's a non-starter.  Find your long-term mate elsewhere. 

Men's secret fears about sex

              Here's a little secret for you: men feel just as much confusion, guilt and shame around sex as you do.  Most men you meet probably grew up under some religious tradition with myriad restrictions and prohibitions on sexual behavior.  On some level, they probably think sex is dirty.  Moreover, the decent, smart, educated guys you'll be dealing with are often afraid of being sexually aggressive.  Between their sensitivity, respect for women, and fear of being accused of sexual harassment (or worse), they're scared little puppies deep down inside. 

              What an extraordinary opportunity for you!  Because if you choose to be the one woman who can make sex feel like a guilt-free, shame-free, fun, liberating, shared experience for him, he will love you
forever
.  There's the old cliché about men wanting a woman who's both the Madonna and the whore.  You can toss that one out the window and replace it with what men really want (but may not know it yet): the goddess of love, all-nurturing, all-embracing, all beautiful all the time (refer back to Chapter 2, 'Who You Really Are'). 

              Guys are scared.  Yet at the same time they're supposed to be in charge of moving things forward, so it's really important for you to give them green lights so they know when it's okay to proceed.  Otherwise, he may just get stuck between his two competing imperatives of 'stop' and 'go'.  Verbal and non-verbal feedback are great, so if you're enjoying yourself and you want more – let him know!  Make the green lights clear and unmistakable in their meaning, e.g. "Touch me there"; "More, please"; touching him; taking his hand or head and putting it where you want it to be.  In fact, this is important enough to deserve its own box:

Clearly communicate to him when it's okay to proceed physically.

              Remember again that if you've set things up the right way so far, this is the area you have to worry about the least.  When you feel connected with a man and it feels right, it will all flow.  At that point, you will not need any rule book; trust yourself and flow with the Tao.

The importance of sexual know-how

              One of the absolute best, most useful and productive things you can do in this lifetime is to educate yourself about sexuality.  As a woman, you're basically designed to be a pleasure machine, so the better you get to know the machine, the more fun you'll have.  It's free, it's safe, it's healthy, and it empowers you tons.