The Time of My Life (28 page)

I continued with chemotherapy all the way through the shoot, but I never took any painkillers, since they dull not only your pain but also your sharpness. If I was going to do great work on this series, I wanted to be 100 percent there. And if that meant dealing with extra pain, that was the price that had to be paid. By the ninth episode, I didn’t know if I could finish, as the bad days were really, really bad. I was upset with myself, angry and embarrassed that I might have overestimated my ability to push through. But quitting was not an option. I dug deeper—far deeper than I ever had—and pushed through to finish the season. In five months of shooting, I missed only a day and a half of work, and that was because of the sniffles.

I didn’t take on this challenge in order to become an inspiration
to other cancer patients. But when reports came out that I was starting to shoot a new TV series, a full six months after being diagnosed with an illness that kills most people within weeks, we started receiving all kinds of letters and cards from people who found it inspiring. I’m grateful for the huge response from people, but really I just wanted to make a great TV show.

As always, Lisa was an equal partner in creating and honing the character I played. She spent the whole shoot in Chicago, and she also directed one of the thirteen episodes. Working with her again, and watching her craft what became a fantastic episode, was amazingly gratifying. We were in this together, in every possible way—just as we had always been.

It’s a fact that Swayze men have never lived to ripe old ages. My father died at age fifty-seven, the same age I am now. My paternal grandfather also died young, and most of my uncles never saw the other side of forty.

In some ways, I’ve always felt as if I was living on borrowed time. I’ve cheated death more times than I can count, from motorcycle accidents to horse accidents to the airplane incident to teetering on a ledge with David Carradine. There’s something in the Swayze makeup that loves risk, and God knows I’ve embraced my share over the years. After I passed the age of thirty with my body and mind still intact, I always felt I’d gotten away with something.

The months I’ve spent fighting this cancer have been an emotional roller coaster. There are days when I feel determined to live until a cure is found, and truly believe I can do it. And there are days when I’m so tired, I just don’t know how
I can keep on going. But I have to. I have to keep moving forward as if there’s a long future for me. As if this is beatable. I’m not running around like some kind of Pollyanna—it’s more of a dead-set, clenched-jaw determination. I’ll just be damned if this son of a bitch is going to beat me. It’s trying to kill me, but I’m going to return the favor.

In all my life, I never gave up in a fight, starting from that day in junior high when five boys were whaling on me at once. And I’m not going to give up now.

I have so much to live for. So much I want to accomplish, so many things I want to explore. Since we’ve had our ranch in New Mexico, Lisa and I have been working on conservation and preservation of the land. We commissioned a two-hundred-year forest-stewardship plan that not only would maintain forest growth levels, but also improve them. Lisa and I are passionate about being good stewards of this beautiful land, and we want to share the knowledge we’ve gained with others, to help spread the word about conservation.

When we bought our ranch in New Mexico, it was the fulfillment of a lifelong dream. I swore when my dad died that I would one day own a ranch and return to my cowboy roots. I also swore I’d do everything I could to make him proud for the rest of my life. There’s no better way to do both those things than by keeping this land pristine and beautiful for generations to come. I am my father’s son, and I’m living the life he dreamed of having. In every way imaginable, it’s worth living for.

There’s also so much more I want to accomplish as an artist. I’ve been writing new music in the last few months, and am always looking at potential roles that come up. I still have the energy and the drive to take on new projects, and have no patience
for anyone who suggests otherwise. Whenever someone asks me what I think my legacy is, I say the same thing: I’m not finished yet! My work is my legacy, and there’s a whole lot more I have to give.

And of course, there’s my relationship with Lisa. I can’t even begin to express what she has meant to me over the years. As a naïve and insecure twenty-year-old, I would never have dreamed that one person could find so much passion and so much loyalty with another. Lisa and I are a part of each other— I can no more imagine life without her than I can imagine living without my own heart. And feeling that love for her is that much sweeter after the hard times we went through.

In the summer of 2008, just before we went to Chicago to film
The Beast,
Lisa and I decided on the spur of the moment to renew the vows we’d made to each other thirty-three years before. We put the whole thing together in four days, and invited a handful of close friends and family members to join us. I rode in on a white stallion, and together Lisa and I stood hand in hand and recited the vows we’d each written. As she finished saying the words she’d written for me, tears came to my eyes.

While the future is an unknown, the one thing I do know is that I will love you. I’m very lucky to have found you in my life and am grateful that I have had the ability to open my eyes and see just what I have….

Because what I have—the love, the greatness and enormity of what I feel, informs everything around me, and brings me back to what I cherish most. And in cherishing the most there is for me, I cherish you more.

And then I spoke the words I’d written for her.

How do I tell you how lucky I feel, that you fell into my life? How grateful I am that you chose to love me? I know that because of you, I found my spirit, I saw the man I wanted to be. But most of all, you were my friend.

Together, we’ve created journeys that were beyond anything we could imagine. Journeys that dreams are made of. We have ridden into the sunset on a white stallion, countless times. We’ve tasted the dust in the birthplaces of religions. Yet you still take my breath away. I’m still not complete until I look in your eyes.

You are my woman, my lover, my mate and my lady. I’ve loved you forever, I love you now and I will love you forevermore.

Even with everything we’ve been through, and everything we still are facing, it was one of the happiest days of my life. And it made me more determined than ever to have as many more beautiful days together with her as I possibly can.

We’d like to thank our families for all their love and support: Ed and Maria, Eric and Mary, Paul and Jessica, John, Alex and Carol, Sean and Jami, Bambi and Don—and especially our mothers, Patsy Swayze and Karin Niemi, who entrusted us with their treasured photos and memories. And we’re grateful to my brother Donny Swayze for his great memory, and for really being there for us as I’ve battled cancer over the last year and a half.

It took a lot of work to bring this book together, and it wouldn’t be what it is without the help of Lisa Dickey. Her focus, suggestions, and skill at helping shape a story are fantastic. She is a joy to work with, and we’d work with her again in a heartbeat. Jessica Haapaniemi spent countless hours helping with transcriptions, research, and photos. Our literary agent, Mel Berger, is a wonderful counselor and true gentleman and has been there for us anytime we’ve needed him. And Mel’s assistant, Graham, is always upbeat and helpful.

Our editor at Atria, Sarah Durand, believed in this project from the start and shepherded it with care. We’re grateful for her hard work and skill, and also want to thank her colleague,
Sarah Cantin, who provided tremendous support. And our good friend, Lynne Butler, was a great sounding board and gave us excellent feedback.

We’ve been lucky enough to work with an amazing group of people for more than twenty-five years now. We call them “The Team”—real professionals who are also real friends. Annett Wolf, of WKT Public Relations, has been with us through thick and thin. In addition to being a phenomenal publicist, she has given us wonderful and astute guidance in telling our story, and her assistant Jayme Phillips helped tremendously with our photos. Fred Gaines, our lawyer extraordinaire, has also been looking out for us for more than twenty-five years—and being a literary nut himself, he gave us great feedback in addition to invaluable legal advice. Our fabulous agent, Nicole David, was one of the first to suggest we do this book. She’s the best agent anyone could ever hope for, and she and TV manager Jenny Delaney have not only helped to shape our careers, they’ve always stood strong beside us.

Throughout the years, we’ve been incredibly fortunate to work with the most talented people in the worlds of film, television, dance, and theater. We’ve also been blessed with an amazing group of friends, who’ve given us unlimited love and support. It would take another whole book to thank everyone by name, but to all those who’ve been there for us—you know who you are—we thank you from the bottom of our hearts. We’d also like to thank the fantastic doctors who have spear-headed my care and treatment, and helped me stay healthy enough to do this book—George Fisher, David Hoffman, Maria Scouros, and Mary Mulcahy.

And finally, a big thank-you to our fans: for buying movie tickets; watching our work on film, TV, and stage; and listening
to the music all these years. Not only have you made my career possible, but your heartfelt wishes and support this past year and a half have helped to arm us in this battle against cancer. It’s amazing how much inspiration and drive to keep fighting we’ve drawn from everyone’s letters and prayers. Thanks to you all; we hope to be giving you much more to see and hear in the years to come.

“Little Buddy” Swayze, age five.

My parents, Buddy and Patsy Swayze, with my older sister, Vicky, my little brother Donny, and me.

With my beloved Arabian Zubi. As the son of a cowboy, I loved horses from the time I could walk.

Showing off at my mom’s dance studio at age sixteen.