The To-Do List (35 page)

 224. Perfect the art of the boiled egg.

 225. Get new fence at the bottom of the garden.

 226. Buy a meat thermometer.

 227. Re-grout tiles in shower.

 228. Find out who owns the fence on the left-hand side of the house.

 229. Have a go at watching the TV cable channels you always ignore like Teacher’s TV  . . .

 230. And the Biography Channel  . . .

 231. And Bloomberg.

 232. Put all important dates (birthdays, holidays, appointments) on calendar rather than relying on guess work.

 233. Change charcoal filter on cooker hood.

 234. Get watch professionally cleaned.

 235. Learn to use graph function on calculator.

 236. Decide if I want to be buried or cremated.

 237. Learn how to change a tyre.

 238. Write letter of complaint to BQ.

 239. Chase Amazon about the £1 refund.

 240. Tie up loose ends.

 241. See more of Jackie.

 242. Wear a suit just for the heck of it.

 243. Clean up spilt milk under fridge.

 244. Fix wobbly garden bench.

 245. Get Hannah’s wedding present in time for their third wedding anniversary.

 246. See more of Parker Bum.

 247. Spend the three £1 BQ vouchers that you found in your desk last week.

 248. Learn more about yourself.

 249. Finish novel.

 250. Come up with idea for next novel.

 251. Take more responsibility for dishwasher (loading/unloading etc.).

 252. Take daughter swimming.

 253. Get old baby clothes out of cupboard in loft.

 254. Have a go at growing a beard.

 255. Investigate laser eye surgery.

 256. Buy emergency pyjamas  . . .

 257. And a dressing gown  . . .

 258. And possibly slippers.

 259. Collect more pub facts.

 260. Do something nice for Arthur  . . .

 261. And Gary  . . .

 262. And Jo  . . .

 263. And Danby  . . .

 264. And Henshaw  . . .

 265. And Amanda.

 266. Try ordering something different from the Chinese takeaway  . . .

 267. And the Indian takeaway  . . .

 268. And Domino’s Pizza.

 269. Expand vocabulary.

 270. Get a wall planner/diary  . . .

 271. And use it.

 272. Book more holidays.

 273. Mark down dates of next year’s holiday on wall planner.

 274. Do something about the enormous bush at the side of the house  . . .

 275. And the enormous tree.

 276. Buy some new bowls that are less like vats.

 277. Add Google maps to my browser favourites.

 278. Meet people for lunch.

 279. Be the one who volunteers.

 280. Get rid of all the bits of left-over MDF from when we had the shelves fitted in the basement.

 281. Write to the school at the end of our garden about the demon tree.

 282. Bluetooth all photos taken on your phone on to your computer.

 283. Find out how to bluetooth all your photos taken on your phone on to your computer.

 284. Arrange all your journalism cuttings into something resembling an order.

 285. Assemble and paint silver surfer.

 286. Buy spare mini-DV tapes.

 287. Clean office rug as there’s still a slight stain left over from winter vomiting bug of 2002.

 288. Buy a Moleskine notebook because Hemingway had one.

 289. Use fountain pen.

 290. Keep sharp pencils and notepad by bed.

 291. Buy a first aid kit.

 292. Get rid of all half-empty cans of Lynx body spray  . . .

 293. And decades’ old Kouros aftershave  . . .

 294. And all the videotapes containing episodes of
Seinfeld
taped off the TV made redundant by the advent of DVDs.

 295. Stock up with clean drinking water in case of emergency.

 296. Find out what else you might need in case of emergency.

 297. Read scary government leaflet about what to do in an emergency that you shoved in the drawer by the back door.

 298. Wash car more  . . .

 299. And check tyre pressure  . . .

 300. And tread depth.

 301. Have driveway widened.

 302. Find plum-related recipes in hope of using up the twelve containers of plums in the freezer left over from last year’s harvest.

 303. See Nadine.

 304. Have John and Sue over for dinner  . . .

 305. And Dave and Maz  . . .

 306. And Chris and Alison  . . .

 307. And James and Angie.

 308. Read something by Freud.

 309. Buy some vests/thermal underwear.

 310. Be kinder to old people.

 311. Use less paper.

 312. Stop hoarding.

 313. Get rid of accounts and receipts relating to the year 99/98  . . .

 314. And the year 98/97  . . .

 315. And the year 97/96  . . .

 316. And the year 96/95.

 317. Put childproof locks on kitchen cupboards.

 318. Make Claire a compilation CD like I used to in the old days.

 319. Buy a packet of Super White plus for spillage emergencies.

 320. Close the First Direct account that you only opened because of the £20 offer.

 321. Visit Nikki in Brighton  . . .

 322. And Richard in Cardiff  . . .

 323. And Dom and Sue in Reading  . . .

 324. And Cath in Tenby  . . .

 325. And Marjorie in Southampton  . . .

 326. And Sarah and Ben in Cardiff.

 327. Find Dad’s Black and Decker workmate that you lost in the move.

 328. Speak to a financial advisor.

 329. Find a way to move the acer from the olde-worlde-style barrel to the garden before it fully disintegrates.

 330. Try to recall more stuff that you used to know like who invented the spinning Jenny.

 331. And what ATP stands for  . . .

 332. And what the rough gist of
Das Kapital
was  . . .

 333. And what the Krebs cycle is  . . .

 334. And what the formula for velocity is  . . .

 335. And how to ask for a hotel room with a shower in German  . . .

 336. And how to work out probability  . . .

 337. And how the Second World War started  . . .

 338. And how the First World War started  . . .

 339. And how long the Seven Years War lasted  . . .

 340. And what Historical Materialism is  . . .

 341. And how to do a head spring  . . .

 342. And how to construct a thirty-three-degree angle using only a compass and a ruler  . . .

 343. And the plot to
Richard III
.

 344. Develop a firmer handshake.

 345. Try to learn Italian using the Italian-in-a-day CD.

 346. Buy new head for electric toothbrush  . . .

 347. And new batteries.

 348. Don’t overfill the kettle.

 349. Use the tumble dryer less.

 350. Order a weekly organic vegetable box delivery.

 351. Unscrew lock off bathroom door in case Lydia decides to trap herself in there one day.

 352. Audition potential babysitters starting with Joe and Amy’s kid  . . .

 353. And Kate and Dan’s kid  . . .

 354. And John and Ruth’s kid  . . .

 355. And Paul and Steff’s kid.

 356. Shred all old bank statements.

 357. Complete all half-finished DIY projects like the shelves in the loft  . . .

 358. And painting the walls in the cellar  . . .

 359. And cementing the hole by the back door  . . .

 360. And repairing the flashing under the bedroom window  . . .

 361. And putting the phone extension in at your mum and dad’s  . . .

 362. And repairing the hole you made in the plaster putting up Heather’s painting  . . .

 363. And the hole you made putting up the framed
Tin Tin
poster.

 364. Make friends with new and interesting people.

 365. Find a minicab firm that will actually turn up on time.

 366. Buy an Allen key.

 367. Attempt to rescue the stuff that Lydia has shoved between the gaps in the floorboards in her bedroom.

 368. Arrange a boys’ weekend.

 369. Encourage Lydia to be musical.

 370. Call Del in lieu of condolence card that should have been sent five months ago.

 371. Get round to countersigning Gary’s passport photos.

 372. Buy Gaffer tape  . . .

 373. And Duck tape.

 374. Phone parents just for a chat.

 375. Catch up with Scottish Helen.

 376. Post Jackie and Mark’s unposted Christmas card  . . .

 377. And Steve and Jenny’s  . . .

 378. And Lisa and Trey’s  . . .

 379. And Rachel and Dom’s  . . .

 380. And Fran and Andy’s  . . .

 381. And Emma and Justin’s  . . .

 382. And Tessa and James’  . . .

 383. And Tamara and Mike’s  . . .

 384. And Shewli and Neil’s  . . .

 385. Find out if mole on hand is of the okay variety.

 386. Be a better uncle to my nieces and nephews.

 387. Get cholesterol level checked.

 388. Talk to bank about extending overdraft facility  . . .

 389. And claiming back overzealous charges.

 390. Take Lydia to see her first film.

 391. Return Lydia’s faulty Christmas slippers to Woolworth’s.

 392. Listen to more mid-period Rod Stewart.

 393. Get some proper suitcases.

 394. Find a new home for the eight boxes of Scalectrix that you bought from eBay during your ‘re-create your childhood’ phase.

 395. Replace broken glass on frame of picture taken on day before wedding.

 396. Watch Martin Luther King’s I have a dream speech all the way through.

 397. Start a pension.

 398. Buy new pants.

 399. Tell Mum that I love her.

 400. Read one of the baby books Claire told me to read last time around.

 401. Attend Neighbourhood Watch meeting.

 402. Buy a family calendar now that Lydia has her own social life.

 403. Buy miniature screwdriver to tighten glasses that keep falling off nose.

 404. Write letter to Uncle Churchill  . . .

 405. And Aunt Esther  . . .

 406. And Aunt Lorna.

 407. Fix back door.

 408. Finally see Dr about dodgy knee.

 409. Take all unwanted books to Oxfam.

 410. Get subscription to
Vanity Fair
.

 411. Start reading
Private Eye
.

 412. Give blood.

 413. Try wearing hats more.

 414. Put pens in every room.

 415. Tidy Lydia’s crayon sets.

 416. Overcome prison phobia.

 417. Have a facial.

 418. Sample all the milks.

 419. Be someone’s mentor.

 420. Be more efficient.

 421. Find replacement TV remote control.

 422. Find a home for the five billion CD-Rs that you’ve burned but no longer listen to.

 423. Find out what the big fuss is about Pink Floyd.

 424. Get rid of typewriter.

 425. Get rid of AOL.

 426. Spend whole day with new kid trying to make her smile.

 427. Fix broken kitchen door.

 428. Redeem all Tesco Club card points  . . .

 429. And Nectar points  . . .

 430. And Boots points  . . .

 431. And Premier points  . . .

 432. And Café Coffee loyalty card.

 433. Buy extra printer toner.