The Tome of Bill (Book 6): Half A Prayer (22 page)

Grulg likewise surveyed us. He opened his mouth and spit out a disgusting wad of phlegm - enough to make me back up a step to avoid the splash. Eww. “
You fight well, t’luntas. Truce now over
.”

Oh, crap. “Wait, I...”

Right then, my vision doubled, and I went down to one knee. Fuck, not now! My strength was quickly ebbing, and even worse, my stomach was turning - probably a result of swallowing more sewer grime than dried blood.

Either way, if Grulg decided to settle shit between vamp and Sasquatch right this moment, I didn’t like our chances one bit. I was forced to remember our alliance with the Magi was only in regards to keeping the Jahabich in check. They were still neutral when it came to the Humbaba Accord. Miranda would be perfectly in the right to stand back and let him twist our heads off like beer caps.

“
Grulg wish you well. Perhaps one day Grulg will have honor to crush you on battlefield.
”

Huh? The other Bigfoot didn’t seem too pleased to hear that, but he got a massive hand upside the head before he could so much as bare his teeth.

I’d almost forgotten that during our time up in Canada, Grulg had been the one Squatch with a sense of honor about him. Thank goodness for small favors. Had we been trapped down here with Turd, I had little doubt he’d be having himself a good ole time right about now rearranging our limbs like we were Mr. Potato Head dolls.

With that, Grulg turned and headed away from us - aiming for one of the other tunnels out of this cave - presumably one that would lead him up and away from here.

“Good luck!” Sally called after him.

“Think they’ll be okay?” Ed asked.

“As long as they make it to the surface.”

“Think we should have followed them?”

“Nope.” She turned and offered me a hand. “The truce was over. Walking outside with them would have ended badly.”

I gladly accepted her help, managing to stand up straight despite feeling like I was about to puke my guts out. I took a deep breath and looked around. “Where?”

“What?”

I quickly scanned the cavern walls, trying to make sense of where we’d come out. Finally, I saw some of those glowing rocks in the shape of a robe...the wall painting. That meant...

“Over there!” I pointed toward an area of the floor a ways off.

An echoing roar sounded behind us - more fear than rage. I turned to see the greasy flying thing from earlier, the one with the really bad acid reflux, come tearing out of the cave we’d run from.

It didn’t stop to give our group a second glance. It landed awkwardly and raced into another of the caves leading out of here.

“Uh oh,” Miranda said, but she needn’t have bothered. Even with my rapidly diminishing powers, I could see an orange glow beginning to shine from the direction the prison lay.

Without a word, I turned and ran, hoping I was right.

One of the humans called out, “Hey, where are you going?” That’s right, genius. Let them know exactly where we are.

A moment later, Sally caught up to me. She was breathing hard, the exertion and lack of fresh blood beginning to catch up to her. Before she could say anything, I pointed toward the small pile on the ground that I was heading toward.

“Holy shit, it’s our stuff.”

“Hopefully, still in one piece.”

The firearms lay where they’d been discarded, broken beyond repair. I mean, we could’ve used them as clubs, but I didn’t see much use there. The melee weapons, also known as gardening supplies in other circles, were likewise destroyed. Their handles had been snapped off, ensuring they wouldn’t be caving in any Jahabich skulls anytime soon.

Thankfully, the rest of our gear was in much better shape. Sally grabbed one of the backpacks, while I found what I was looking for: the last remaining canteen of vampire blood.

Bonus! Next to it lay my cell phone, the screen only slightly cracked. Fuck it; I’d take what I could get - upgrade fees were a bitch anyway. Stuffing the phone into a pocket on my chest piece, I quickly unscrewed the cap of the canteen and lifted it to my lips. Thankfully, it hadn’t leaked. Three cheers for military-grade equipment. I sucked down great big gulps of blood, my body gladly taking it in. Before I’d even put the cap back on, I could feel myself racing back toward the level of power afforded me by the mix of plasma.

Sally watched me, eyeing the canteen hungrily. Although I knew better than to say anything, I felt bad for her. The effort she put forth to keep her shit together must have been heroic indeed. “Sorry, but it’ll do you more harm than...”

“I know,” she replied. “I guess, for once, I have to live vicariously through you. Hell has finally frozen over.”

It was then that the others finally caught up to us. Sadly, they weren’t alone. A dozen sets of orange eyes gleamed in the darkness behind them - quickly closing the gap. Shit!

I turned to Sally. “Can you climb?”

“I’ll fucking sprout wings if I need to.”

“What about carrying anyone?”

That gave her pause. I knew she wanted to give me the tough girl answer, but the tired look in her eyes betrayed her. At last, she looked away. “One...maybe two.”

Damn. With Ed, we had...

“I can handle that,” Miranda said. “I have enough in me to take everyone. We can apparate to the top no problem.”

“Wait a second,” I said.

“What’s the matter?”

“I thought it wasn’t
called
apparating.”

She looked at me like I had two heads. “What else would we call it?”

“Uh...”

“Hey, I have a crazy idea,” Ed jumped in. “Why don’t we worry about that
after
we get the fuck out of here?”

Every team needs a voice of reason, and I certainly wasn’t going to argue.

I turned to the group, ready to lead them back toward the perfectly circular tunnel leading out of here. The three humans looked like they were on their last legs, fear and adrenaline being the only things holding them up. Sally wasn’t much better off. Ed was beaten to hell, but only he and Miranda looked like they had any fight left in them. Damn it!

“Go,” I said, turning to Sally. “Get them out of here. I’ll be right behind you.”

She took a look behind me and apparently decided to forgo any stupid heroics. She simply nodded. “Don’t be too long. You really don’t want to be on this side when it’s time to open the little present Vlad and I planted earlier.”

With that, she waved the group forward and started off toward the exit.

Ed hesitated for a moment too long, so I grabbed him by the shirt and gently helped him along - to the tune of ten feet through the air in the direction he needed to go. He managed to land without too much effort, but finally got the hint. “Asshole!”

“You’ll thank me for this later.” I turned, smiling, but the look vanished from my face as quickly as it had appeared.

The Jahabich were here, and a very angry-looking Mark was at their forefront.

Oh, great. Just what I was hoping to avoid: a heroic last stand.

I tossed the canteen strap over my neck and swung it around to my back. I wanted to keep it safe as long as possible in case I needed a quick recharge - which, from the look of things, seemed likely.

Oh well, there was no point in delaying the inevitable. I took a look around and spied one of the mallet heads lying on the spongey ground - just what the doctor ordered.

I picked it up and let fly, putting what felt like the strength of the entirety of Pandora Coven behind it.

Sadly, Mark was in his human form. I didn’t know exactly how things worked with these fuckers, but they appeared to possess more of their former self-awareness in their non-rocky form. Almost as if confirming this, his eyes opened wide as I threw the projectile and he dove to the side, valiantly letting the Jahabich behind him take it full on in the face. Its head caved in from the impact. The creature wavered drunkenly to the side for a moment and then its form lost cohesion. It began to transform back and forth, out of control - one moment flesh, the next rock. Finally, it solidified long enough for me to catch a small glimpse of Brock’s mangled features, just before keeling over.

“Serves you right, fuck face.”

Unfortunately, that was the cleverest thing I had time to utter before ducking a swing from another of the monsters. The top of my scalp tore as its jagged skin rubbed against mine, but I ignored the pain and followed up with a blow of my own - putting a fist-sized dent in the side of its head before shoving it away.

Two more rushed forward, taking me low in the midsection. I went down, but managed to roll with the momentum, tossing them off before they could pin me to the ground.

I immediately threw a kick to the crotch of the next in line. Sadly, there were no rock nuts to be found and I had to be content when it flew back and smashed into another of its buddies.

I scrambled to my feet to avoid being caught in the prone position. Every gamer worth his salt knows it’s an automatic plus to hit for the opposing side. Screw that shit. These monsters had enough of an armor class advantage as it was.

Another pair of them charged me and I couldn’t sidestep in time. I kicked out, using my superior height and reach to my advantage, and caught one in the chest, but the other got inside of my defenses. It wrapped its arms around me and, with a quick chuckle of triumph, sunk the obsidian daggers that made up its teeth into my shoulder.

Fuck me!

Vampire nerve endings work pretty much the same way human ones do - meaning I got to experience the wonderful feeling of my flesh and tendons tearing as the ugly fucker sank in to the bone. Had I not been flying high on vamp juice, it would have surely severed my arm. As it was, the ugly heap of rock held on tight, a stonework bear trap on legs, while its friends moved in from behind it.

No fucking way was I going down like that. “That’s not a bite,” I said in a bad Australian accent. “
This
is a bite!” And with that, I sank my own fangs into the neckless juncture where its pumpkin-sized head met its body.

* * *

Any kid who’s ever eaten dirt knows it’s not the most wonderful of flavors. It tastes pretty much like its name suggests, with some extra grit thrown in for texture. This wasn’t much different. At my current power level, my teeth chewed through its rock-hard carapace like it was made of sugar glass and kept on digging - hoping to find the candy surprise inside.

Apparently, it wasn’t too pleased at my attempt to discover how many licks it took to get to the center. It let go of me and screeched a sound like tires squealing against pavement as a driver slams on the brakes to avoid a squirrel in the road.

There was a moment’s pause as I considered the oddly specific metaphor running through my head, then I shoved the creature back with everything I had - sending it tumbling into three of its friends.

Now, if I could just repeat that a few more times, I’d be home free. Sadly, they had other plans as, just then, something slammed into the back of my head - erasing the scalp there and making me see stars.

Powerful stone arms reached around me and pinned my arms in a full nelson. Maybe I could’ve powered out of it, but not before severing my arms against the sharp rock-like hide of the creature. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see its massive head next to mine. If it bit down now, there was no fucking way I’d be able to do anything except die.

But it didn’t. Its face shimmered and melted - quickly replaced by a familiar grinning countenance - Mark’s. Oh, fuck me sideways with a wood lathe!

“You know, for the legendary savior of the vampire race, you sure are a fucking idiot.” His breath smelled like dirt, moss, and mildew...gross.

“Works for me,” I replied, struggling to free my body without literally disarming myself. “Everyone in the supernatural world is so busy patting themselves on the back for being super geniuses that when a moron comes along, they have no clue how to handle it.”

I looked up. The scattered Jahabich, of which there were more than enough to mess up my day good and proper, were getting back to their feet and turning in my direction. I needed to think of something quickly.

“You have no idea how good you could have had it,” Mark said. “I’ve seen the way you look at her. What man wouldn’t? But are you aware of the backstabbing viper that lurks beneath that pretty face?”

“Trust me, well aware.”

“We would have scraped that away, saving the good parts. She would have been beautiful forever, but much more compliant.”

“Uh huh. Not the first time I’ve heard some guy make that claim.”

“I would have shared her with you. We could have been brothers, and she our willing servant.”

“I’m all for threesomes, dude, but not of the two-guy variety - sorry. I just don’t see any appeal in us rubbing our rock junk together.”

Oh shit, his friends were closing in and I was still held tight.
C’mon, think of something, stupid!

“Cute,” he replied. “I used to be like you, thinking a clever joke would get me out of anything. But I learned the hard way life is not that easy. I had to pull myself up by my fingernails, suffering all the way, but I became better. No matter what happened to me...no matter what tried to kill me, I survived. I have had my back against the wall my entire life, been slammed into it repeatedly, but I’ve learned to push back.” His face hardened once again, and his eyes opened wide until orange Hell light spewed forth from them. “
Now you will too
.”

Oh, crap...

Wait, what was that about being slammed into the wall? Holy shit, I am such a fucking moron.

“Well, consider this another life lesson.” I bent and twisted my shoulder. For a second, I wasn’t sure I had it right, but then Mark was flying over my shoulder in a spectacular - for me anyway - Judo throw. He slammed into the approaching monsters as if shot from a cannon, sending granite chips flying everywhere and knocking the whole group ass over teakettle.

Fucking-A! I almost wished I hadn’t already killed Brock. He might’ve been proud to know I’d been sorta paying attention after all.

Oh well, now definitely wasn’t the time to stand around waiting for applause. I flipped my middle finger to the bunch of them, mentally directing most of it at Mark, then took off like the devil was on my heels...mainly because, in a few seconds, he probably would be.