The Tome of Bill (Book 6): Half A Prayer (24 page)

“What the fuck are you doing, Bill?”

“Sally?”

“Yeah, now get your hands off of my ti...”

I pressed my lips against hers in the dusty confines of the cave, cutting off her protest. I grabbed hold and held her tight as I did so - all caution thrown to the wind in my joy at finding her alive. At first, she stiffened in surprise, but then I could have sworn she relaxed a bit and began to return it.

Unfortunately, that last part could have just been wishful thinking, as I picked that exact moment to pass out.

* * *

“Ow, I think you dislodged a tooth.”

“Stop whining. It was for your own good.”

“You didn’t need to hit me.”

“Yes, I did. Are you going to tell me you were just about to run like you’d been told to?”

“Well...”

“Exactly. You seem to share that stupid trait with Bill. You both pick the absolute worst times to be chivalrous. Must be something in your shithole apartment’s water.”

“You don’t find that cute?”

“I find it annoying.”

“Come on, not the slightest bit...”

“Uhhh,” I groaned as I tried, and failed, to open my eyes. The voices had started filtering into my subconscious right around the time I became aware of various sensations - a wetness against my back, coupled with the sense of movement.

As the moan escaped my lips, the movement stopped and there came the
wonderful
feeling of a dull impact on the back of my head. “Ouch.”

“Oops,” a female voice replied. “You finally awake?”

“I think so. Not sure I want to be, though.” I pried my eyes open and winced as my head throbbed from the effort. It had been a while, well over a year - basically ever since I’d been turned into a vampire - but I distinctly remembered how it felt to be hung over. This wasn’t all that different. However, it didn’t help that someone was shining a flashlight in my eyes.

“Get that fucking thing out of my face.”

“Sorry,” a familiar male voice responded.

I took a look around, but didn’t see much of anything at first. Panic set in until I reached up and realized my glasses were just coated in thick dust from the explosion. They were filthy but intact. Thank goodness I had splurged for titanium frames with shatterproof lenses.

Using my fingers to wipe the worst of the gunk away, I was finally able to see further than the tip of my nose again, making out the forms standing above me - Sally, Ed, and...and that was it. Nothing else came into view save the dark walls of the sewer tunnel.

I reached up a hand and Ed grabbed hold. Bracing myself for the unpleasant feeling of being vertical again, I let him drag me to my feet. Then I immediately stepped to the wall for a little added support. “What happened?”

“You fainted,” Sally replied with a smirk.

“I’m pretty sure I passed out.”

“Same thing.”

I looked around the tunnel we were standing in and saw marks on the floor leading off into one direction. I put two and two together, then reached around to confirm my backside was coated in muck. “You dragged me?”

“Yep.”

“Couldn’t have made a litter or something?”

“Look around, Ranger Rick. Do you see a forest here? What was I supposed to do, make one out of rocks?”

“You could have carried me.”

“Could have, but didn’t.”

Bitch!

“You okay?” Ed asked, concern in his voice.

“Not sure.” I moved away from the wall, still woozy but gaining some semblance of equilibrium back. “What was in that blood, Sally?”

“Nothing but blood.”

Seeing Ed’s confused look, I explained Sally’s plan to him and how it had worked out better than I’d hoped - leading us to him and then saving our asses big time. The only downside seemed to be what I felt now, which was worrisome. I’d already suffered from one power burning out - in a sense of the phrase. What if this was a chain reaction? Maybe soon, I’d find myself crawling on my knees, a slave to some other vampire’s compulsion. Wow, wouldn’t that suck big hairy Sasquatch balls? I voiced my concern of such.

Sally raised an eyebrow, seemingly thinking this through. To my surprise, though, Ed just laughed.

“Did I miss the punchline?”

“Only every time you look in a mirror.”

“Eat me.”

“Seriously,” he said, his voice even, “it seems pretty obvious to me - you crashed.”

“
Crashed?
”

“Yeah, remember that time about two years back when you finally swore to God you were gonna ask Sheila out?”

“Um...”

“We were all sitting around doing shots, but you were sucking down Red Bulls, too.”

“Oh, yeah,” I replied sheepishly.

“So what happened?” Sally asked, her grin widening.

“The usual,” Ed replied. “We were at it all night. Bill must’ve downed at least a six-pack. Come the next day, I had to cover for him in three meetings - wouldn’t have been able to wake him up if he was on fire.”

“And what about her?”

“Do you need to ask?”

Assholes, both of them. “You know, considering your boyfriend back there wanted to pass you around like a blow-up doll to all his stone-dicked buddies, you may wish to refrain from commenting on the love lives of others.”

“Boyfriend?” Ed asked.

“Yeah. Sally used to date one of those rock monsters.”

He turned to her, the obvious question on his face, but she just held up a hand. “Drop it.”

“But...”

“Or I’ll
drop
you again.”

And that was pretty much the end of
that
conversation.

It took me a few minutes to regain my equilibrium, and even then, I was still shaky. What Ed had said made sense now that I took some time to think it over. The truth was, every time in the past that I’d ever powered up on vamp blood, it had been a singular event. I’d bite some asshole vampire, go all Super Saiyan, then power down a short while later - hopefully after winning whatever fight I’d been in.

This was the first time I’d ever held a constant vampire
buzz
, if you will, for so long of a stretch. The truth was, I’d been so psyched at the discovery, I never bothered to consider whether there might be any consequences. Now I realized it had been a stupid, desperate gambit - relying on something that was entirely untested.

Thankfully, we’d gotten lucky, although now I was paying the price. My stomach rumbled, partially answering the question of why I felt like crap. Oddly enough, I was hungry; starving, actually.

“This makes no sense,” I said after voicing those thoughts to my two friends in the dark tunnel. “I’ve been sucking down blood for...”

“Vampire blood,” Sally corrected.

“I know that.”

“Yeah, but what if that’s the cause?”

“Not following you.”

“It’s simple,” she said. “We know vamp blood is different than human blood, right? Otherwise it wouldn’t be toxic to other vamps.”

“True, except for me.”

“Yeah, but what if that difference is also partially detrimental to you?”

“Now you’ve lost me too,” Ed said.

“It’s okay. I’ll explain slowly since you’re both men.” She walked over to the wall where I was leaning and took a spot next to me. “What if you don’t actually get a lot of nutrition out of vampire blood?”

“Kind of like with normal food?” I asked, curious to see where she was going with this.

“More or less.”

“But what about that time you saved me up in Canada? I was bleeding out like a pig, but you managed to get me back on my feet.”

“I’m thinking that was more the extra kick to your healing, and also, with the amount you lost, anything was better than nothing. Maybe you get something out of it, just not enough to really sustain you in the long run.”

“Empty calories, but with a wicked rush,” Ed surmised. “Kind of like downing a bucketful of espressos?”

“I think I get where you’re going with this,” I said. “You have, say, a soda in the middle of the day and it’s not going to matter since you’re probably not too far away from your last meal, or the next one, for that matter.”

“Which kind of fits how it’s worked for you in the past.”

“Yeah, but if you go on a bender - trying to survive on nothing but that...”

“You’re gonna feel like an absolute piece of shit when it’s over and done with because you forgot to take your Flintstone Chewables.”

I considered this. I remembered the first time I’d sucked down another vamp’s blood. It had been against some goons from the Howard Beach Coven of Queens. The next morning, I’d felt similar, if not so intensely bad, to how I felt now until drinking my morning cup of blood. I’d nearly forgotten because it hadn’t happened since then, but perhaps that had just been my body acclimating to it.

Shit, if I ever got my ass back east, I’d need to find Dave. After kicking his ass for running off, I wouldn’t mind him running some tests to confirm all this. Maybe next time I’d need to mix my vintages - put a little human blood into the pitcher to fortify it as part of this nutritious breakfast. That way, I might not end up feeling like shit.

Speaking of feeling like a piece of crap, though... “How are you still upright?” I asked Sally.

“Huh?”

“Back there, between the beating and having your fingers chopped off...” I noticed they had grown back and looked the same as before - minus the nail polish she’d been wearing before that Jahabich had decided to go all Pac-Man on her hand. “...I saw the look in your eyes. You would have gladly chewed Miranda’s head off if given half a...”

Oh crap.

“There were three people who escaped with us.”

“Oh, yeah,” Ed said. “I almost forgot about them after I got decked.”

Sally just shrugged. “I did what I had to do. It was either that or collapse. After climbing up the pit, I couldn’t carry Ed and get out of the blast radius otherwise.”

“All three?”

She held up her hands. “Just the guy. The girls freaked out and took off running. I don’t know what happened to them.”

I remembered the body I’d found while feeling my way around in the burning fallout from Miranda’s explosion. Sometimes, I forgot that despite our friendship and her newfound caring of the people living in Pandora, a bloodthirsty predator lurked just below Sally’s surface - she was a complex individual that way.

“Fuck,” I muttered softly.

It wasn’t so much that I was mad at her. It was more that we’d won by only the barest of margins, and even that remained questionable. There’d been other tunnels leading out of that one cave. Unless we’d gotten extremely lucky, all we’d done was cut off one of the Jahabich’s routes to the surface.

Then there was Mark to consider. I’d like to think he’d been crushed under a hundred tons of falling rock, but without having seen it myself, I didn’t want to hope for the best. That wasn’t good. The guy had seemed ever so slightly around the bend where the subject of Sally was concerned. I’d read enough real-life horror stories online to know that the operative word with crazy exes was the
crazy
part. That particular subset of society didn’t know how to take a hint.

The worst of it all, though, was knowing that had any of the humans survived, I’d probably have attacked them myself.

We could fool ourselves all we wanted, take in as many refugees as we could fit, but at the end of the day, we were still monsters. Maybe Sheila was right after all. I could pretend to tread along a righteous path, but that was crap. No matter what any of us did, there was a good chance this world would eventually become a place with no real heroes - just the lesser of many evils.

* * *

Over the course of the next several hours, Sally offered me some of her blood a few times. I declined, fearful of another crash once it wore off. Besides, anything I took would eventually weaken her. On the off chance we ran into more of those goddamned walking rock piles, one of us needed to be close to the top of their game.

Thankfully, I was able to make a go of it on my own. I didn’t feel great, but after I’d gotten my balance again, I had enough strength to go on. At the very least, I wasn’t anywhere near the condition those feral vamps down below had been in. Who knew how long they’d been denied sustenance? If things got that bad, I’d certainly take Sally up on her offer, but I had the feeling it would be days - hopefully - before that happened, and if we were down here that long, we’d be so lost as to be thoroughly fucked.

On the upside, at least Ed didn’t have anything to worry about from the present company - his blood now the equivalent of downing a gallon of rocket fuel and chasing it with a lit blowtorch. Besides, he had his own issues - like being pretty much one big walking bruise.

The trip back to the surface took a long time. Go figure; heading up was more of a chore than going down, especially when you’ve been through the ringer. One bit of luck held for us through it all, though - we didn’t get lost.

Sally’s spray-painted markers turned out to be easy enough to find, thank goodness. I could have kissed her for having the foresight to leave those. Speaking of which, I had a vague memory of doing just that right before keeling over from my blood crash. Had that been real or a sick dream? Sally certainly didn’t bring it up on our long walk back. Likewise, she hadn’t bounced me off of any walls, threatening me with worse should I ever do so again. At the same time, the memory was pretty solid. It sure as hell had felt real, especially near the end when it seemed like she was getting into it.

What did that mean?

Of course, it might have meant nothing. It was always hard to tell with Sally. It might have been because we now had Ed with us and that could have made for some decisively awkward conversation. “Hey, man, glad to see you’re still alive. By the way, before I forget to mention it, I just tried ramming my tongue down your wannabe girlfriend’s throat.” Yeah...rock monsters grown from a pool of orange jizz was one thing, but talking about relationships was a whole different level of weird.

At the same time, Sally wasn’t one to shy away from making anyone feel uncomfortable and she hadn’t said shit.

Thankfully, I was soon distracted by these thoughts - and my own spinning head - when I realized we were finally back in a section of the sewer that was familiar. Hah, what a concept. A few years ago, you couldn’t have drunken dared me to wander down a drainpipe. Now, I actually had familiarity with various tunnels and routes. I swear, never again will I laugh if someone tells me, “In the next year you shall...” followed by some outlandish proclamation. I’d seen far too much strangeness to keep a closed mind.