The Truth About Love (7 page)

The drive to Victim’s Assistance took almost thirty minutes.  I had to park in the government center parking garage, which meant spending more of my precious money.  This had to be done.  There was no way around it.  I toyed with pulling out the stroller, but decided against it.  I knew while it would help with all the walking, we could be in very close quarters trying to manage very heavy doors.  Kylie only weighed 18 lbs.  Surely, I could manage that.

So, hauling her, my purse, and her feeding pump bag out of the car, we set out for the building conveniently located next to the courthouse where the office was located.  Kylie was silent, staring as we walked at my break neck pace.  She was my little sponge, soaking it all in.  I wished more than anything she could’ve missed out on this particular experience.  Last night, while we lay cuddled together on the floor, I kept replaying the events in my mind, willing a different outcome, worrying over how I could have done things differently.  Instead, it just seemed like everything was spiraling out of control, right to this moment where I was now involving the courts.  Still, I had never seen coming.

How had this man I loved and married become such a stranger, become someone I was wary of, someone I feared?  I remembered once when we were visiting friends at an apartment complex not far from our neighborhood how a group of guys started a fight with Shane’s friend.  He’d tried to be the peacekeeper.  When that didn’t work, he stepped up and defended, joined in.  He took care of those he cared about, always had their back.  I had his too.  When another one of the guys jumped on him, I had rushed into the fray and shoved the guy off.  Both Shane and the guy were more than a little surprised, but I hadn’t given it a thought.  We spoke about it after.  

“Baby, that was great, but you can never do that again,” he admonished.  “If I’m in a fight, I can’t be worrying about you, too.  Stay out of it.  Stay safe.  That guy was ready to hit you.  Weren’t you worried?”

“Nah.  And if he had, I heal fast.”  I joked.

He had hauled me into his arms then, held me close, murmured words of love into my hair.
  “
I can’t lose you.  Nothing can ever happen to you.  Understand?”

Nodding happily, I had basked in the warmth of his embrace.  It was one of my strangely happy memories.  Where had that guy gone?  I had none of the depth of feelings for this surly man who had taken his place.

As expected, the office was crowded.  Apparently lots of men went crazy on a Monday night during football season.  There was a waiting room packed with women and a few children.  They all had family and friends there to support them.  I had Kylie and I was the one doing the supporting.

At the window, I was given a clipboard of paperwork to fill out.  I did so as quickly as possible.  It was closing in on noon and I was told over the phone earlier I needed to have the paperwork we created filed by 12:30 in order to get on the afternoon docket.  Returning the paperwork to the receptionist, I went back to the chair to wait, Kylie still attached to me.  This was as good a time as any to feed her, so I unhooked her onesie, opened the button, and twisted the tubing into place once more.  Her feed was started and she was tethered to her pump again.

Shane would’ve hated this.  He was incredibly uncomfortable with feeding her in public, like it was some dirty little secret, an embarrassment that she needed a feeding tube.  That wasn’t what I saw when I looked at her.  In my eyes, Kylie was a marvel, a survivor.  If she needed a little extra help here or there after all she had been through, so be it.  This wasn’t permanent.  In time she would get over her aversion, stop choking on everything, demystify chewing, and eat like the rest of us.  I had abundant patience.  In fact, I was beginning to think I had been patient with Shane for too long.  There was such a thing as being too understanding.  Though I had promised him long ago I would love him through it, through his healing, overcoming his demons...I had found my breaking point.  This was it.  It was all about Kylie’s needs now.  

Soon enough, I was called back to speak with a counselor.  Picking up Kylie, still attached to her feed, I gathered our bags and walked through the door.  It was one of those moments I knew would alter everything.  I just kept hoping I was making the right decisions, and I was doing what was best.  Given the circumstances, I no longer trusted my judgment.  

We sat in a decent sized office.  The toys in the corner suggested Kylie was not the first baby to step inside.  They were prepared.  I was directed to a chair beside the big angular desk where I sat with Kylie in my lap.

The counselor introduced herself.  “I’m Paula.”

I responded out of habit.  “Nice to meet you.”

It sounded strange because it really wasn’t nice to meet her.  I could have gone my entire life without meeting her, without needing to be here.  The word ‘victim’ grated on me.

“You can set her down on the floor.”  She gestured to the carpet. 

“Not yet.  She’ll yank out her feeding tube,” I explained.

The woman’s eyes followed the tubing dangling from Kylie’s belly all the way to the inconspicuous small black nylon backpack.
  “
Oh.  Well, let’s talk about why you are here.”

So the questions began.  Only the questions didn’t tell the whole story.
 
There was no place for me to explain he had been sleeping twenty hours a day.  They didn’t care I had tried everything to get him to see a doctor because I saw he was in the throes of depression.  It was as though none of it mattered, only it did to me.  

“Do you want me to request that he have a mental evaluation?” Her pen was poised over the computer keyboard.

I looked up.
  “
You can do that?”

She leaned back in her chair and smiled.  “Oh, sure, honey.  I can request anything.  It’s whether or not the judge will do it.”

My mood brightened some.  Suddenly the situation didn’t seem so hopeless as it had before.
  “
Yes, please.  He’s not the man I fell in love with.  He’s changed in horrible and frightening ways.  And I wanted to believe that if he changed once, he could change back.  He could be better again.”

I swallowed hard, wondering if I sounded as pathetic as I felt.  The beeping of Kylie’s pump broke the silence.  With the expertise that came from doing this multiple times a day for well over a year, I had her tubing unhooked, her button shut, her onesie tucked, and she was on the floor playing in under a minute.  Watching her check out her surroundings, crawl around and explore helped my heart more than anything.  Knowing she wasn’t damaged beyond repair made me feel much better about all my choices.

After what seemed like forever, Paula went over the paperwork we had created.
  “
So, we’re asking for an Order of Protection. Anything else?”

I nodded because the Order of Protection wasn’t what brought me to their office.  After all, I knew how to stay away from him.  If I had been able to have my way, I would already be far far away from him, out of the state, even.  Still, I could see how important it was to do everything legally.  
“
I want custody of Kylie.  Can we do that?”

“Absolutely.”  She marked a box.  

“And I want my vehicle.  I need it.  Kylie has lots of doctor appointments.  And if there is an emergency…”  My voice faded as I considered what might happen.

It was obvious she cared nothing for the details as I tried to build my case for vehicle possession. “Do the two of you own more than one vehicle?”

“Yes. He bought the truck while we were dating.  That’s in his name.  Then we purchased the Edge together after we were married, while Kylie was still in the hospital.  That’s in his name also.”  I shrugged.

She nodded and typed.
  “
So you want the Edge?”

“Yes.”  For some reason, I felt greedy.

She looked at me for a moment before speaking.
  “
Girl, you don’t have to look so guilty.  You are married.  You are entitled.  The house can be yours, too.”

“I don’t want the house; it’s his.  He bought it before we were together.  I always promised him if things went south that I’d never try to take his house.”

“So you don’t want the house?”  She looked at me in surprise.

“No.”  We’d broken so many rules already.  It had to stop somewhere.

Paula folded her hands in her lap as she asked me the next serious question.  “Where will you stay?”

“I’m not sure yet.  I have options.”  I did have options, like Florida to stay with my mother, or Grace’s home out in Raleigh.  I really wanted to recuperate with Jules in Atlanta.  Staying with Lily and Lyle, not an option.

She shook her head at me.  Once again, I was reminded I wasn’t normal.  Most women would jump at the chance to take what they could get.  I had this strong sense of right and wrong.  Even though he had hurt me, forced me to leave, manipulated me into calling the police, and destroyed the house, it would be wrong to render him homeless.  I wasn’t weak.  I was just doing the right thing.

“Do you have everything, or are you going to need to get back in the house?”  She was all business.

I perked up.  “Can we do that?  I left so much as the police rushed me out last night.”

“Of course!  Those same police might even be the ones who have to stay with you until you are done to ensure your safety.”  She winked at me.

Pictures were taken of me and my injury.  What had started off as a scratch had overnight morphed into an impressive looking bruise that covered the entire back and side of my calf.  It hurt too.  A fact I was made aware of any time I grazed it on anything.  Oh, and I’m clumsy.  I’m reminded of this frequently.

“Did you want the pictures I took of the damage to the house?”
 
It felt like I was playing dirty, but if Shane was going to threaten charges for kidnapping, then I needed to defend myself.  I needed custody, not that I was worried.  There wasn’t a court on earth that would leave Kylie in his care.

“Absolutely.  Email them here.”  She handed me her business card.  I stuck it in my purse next to the pretty purple card the officers had given me.  
“
Now go to the Clerk and file these papers.  Do you want to go to court in the morning or the afternoon?”

Mornings were suddenly a challenge now that we had three adults sharing one bathroom.  Plus, I would need to find childcare for Kylie.  She wasn’t going to the day care in the court building.  Ever.  
“
Afternoon, please.”

She passed me a packet of papers to sign, one to take with me, one for my records.  Then I was given a slip with instructions to show up at courtroom 4110 the next day at 1:30pm for the hearing.  I signed, collected everything, and then pulled Kylie into my arms so we could leave.

Our next stop was next door at the courthouse.  It was huge and intimidating with its security measures.  I hated walking through the metal detector, and now I had to do it while holding Kylie.  Given the flip-flops, I knew I wouldn’t have to remove the shoes.  Somehow, that was little comfort.  We made it through with no effort, no lines, no waiting, and most importantly, no beeps.  Pressing forward, I made my way across the vast open area, straight to the elevator.  My little one was silent in my arms, looking about some, soaking everything in.  We exited the elevator, and marched straight for the huge double wooden doors to the far right as we stepped out.  It didn’t take but a moment for it to be our turn.  

Passing in the paperwork, I swore on a Bible to the woman behind the glass that everything contained within was true.  Then it was over.  I had to return the next day, without Kylie.  It troubled me some, until I remembered my sister, Brynn, was on maternity leave.  She loved Kylie; no doubt she wouldn’t object to spending some time with her.  

As soon as I reached the vehicle in the parking garage, I strapped Kylie into her seat and prepared to call.  Somehow, having those papers, even though they weren’t decided upon by a judge, made me feel safer, more secure.  I didn’t feel like I had to hold my daughter as tightly, or worry about being pulled over while driving.  I had the protection of proof.  

Brynn answered my call almost immediately.  She sounded so happy to hear from me, even after I explained I was calling because I needed a babysitter the very next day.
  “
Wanna come visit?  That way Kylie will be comfortable.  She’s never been here before.”

I sighed almost happily.  “That sounds great, just let me run a few errands first.”  

There was still the charger for the phone and the plug for the pump to take care of before I would allow myself to relax.  I had plenty of time.  We couldn’t go back to Lily’s until six in the evening, since there would be no one there to let us in.  The AT&T errand took slightly longer than anticipated, but I made good use of my time in there.
  Once I purchased the charger, Kylie and I climbed back in the vehicle. 
I plugged in the phone as soon as she was secure in her car seat and called Jules to let her know why I had been off the grid and give her the rundown on what had been happening while we were out of touch.

“Listen,” Jules began, “I know that you didn’t ask, but I wanted you to know I sent you some money through PayPal.  Is there a way for you to get it?” 

Tears filled my eyes.  “You didn’t have to do that, but thank you!”  

“I know, but I wanted to help.”  Her words were like a hug.  

“Right, because everything you’ve done so far hasn’t been enough,” I teased.

“So how’d it go?”

Catching her up only took a few minutes, then I told her the plans for the next day.
  “
So, I have to know if I did a really bad thing…”

When she spoke, she sounded excited, like...edge of her seat excited.
  “
What’d you do?”

With a sigh, I finally let it out.
  “
So, I may have checked his email.”

“Ohhhhh, and what’d you find?”

“
Well, aside from the fact that he friended every girl he’s ever dated and some he’s only slept with the moment I left…”

“What a jerk!”  She interrupted.

“He also placed an ad on Craigslist.”  My voice grew quieter.

“For a date?!”  She sounded shocked.

“No.  He was trying to sell everything.  The ad title was ‘Everything Must Go.’  He was selling my stuff!”  Thinking about it still had me flustered.

“So...what did you do?”

I was biting on the inside of my cheek now.  This was the hardest part to admit.
  “
I...deleted it.”

“What?  How can you do that?”  She sounded confused.

“Well, there’s an edit option on the email in his inbox.  And I chose to delete.”  I felt guilty.  “Am I wrong?  I just didn’t want him selling my things before the judge let me back in to get them!”

My concern was met with chuckling, then all out laughter.
  “
No. That. Is. Awesome.”

Relieved, I felt able to change the subject.  
“
Now I’m going to get the cord for Kylie’s pump.  It’s about forty-five minutes away.”  

“You sound good.”  I could tell she was smiling through the phone.

“Thank you.  I’m hanging in there.”  Mostly, I just wanted to get to a point where I didn’t feel like I was holding my breath all the time.

“I’m almost afraid to ask, but has he contacted you?”

This part hurt.  He hadn’t.  We had been apart for so long now, longer than we had been in years.  He hadn’t called, texted, or messaged.  By every indication, he had already decided to move on.  As much as I didn’t want to be bothered, I was.  It was as though all those years together meant nothing to him, like I meant nothing to him, as though he cared nothing for his daughter.  

“Nope.”  

“He will.  Then what will you do?”  She seemed so certain.  How could she think so?  Even I didn’t know the man I’d married anymore.

Sighing, I responded honestly.  “I have no idea.  I really don’t.”

After that, I didn’t have much to say.  All was well as long as I stayed busy.  At the moment, I was incredibly busy.  As long as I had purpose, other things to focus on, I wouldn’t feel my heart breaking into a million pieces.