The Truth About Us (28 page)

Once we’re in the elevator the weight of it all starts to press on me. I don’t know what to expect when we walk in and judging by the nervous shifting, neither does Sophia.

“She won’t be mad,” I say, more for myself than Sophia. “She won’t be mad at us.”

Sophia squeezes my hand. The door dings. Tosh is standing directly on the other side of the sliding metal slabs.

Sophia flings herself at him and he catches her, shock splayed across his face. She pulls back suddenly and runs her hands all over his face and neck, checking his eyes, then pulling him back into her.

“Tosh, I’m so sorry.” She says, as he hugs her and makes shushing noises, all the while his eyes ask me what’s happening.

So much for holding it together. At least she's not crying.

“This is all my fault,” she mumbles and Tosh pushes her out at arm’s length.

“Absolutely not your fault. It was an accident, Sophia,” Tosh says not realizing the impact those words have on Sophia. I immediately pull her back to me, terrified she’ll have a panic attack. But she doesn't.

“Hey,” I say softly and force her to look at me. “No fault. We’re here to support Tobie. That’s it. She needs you, okay. She loves you.”

I curl Sophia into my side. She grabs my shirt in her fist, and sighs. "I know. I'm sorry. I just can’t help it. Guilty is my go-to emotion.” She smiles and I kiss her hard.

“Tobie doesn’t understand the term blame, Sophia. Believe me. None of us deserve her, but right now she needs us.” Tosh tries to smile but it doesn’t take. He leads us down to her room where both Sophia and I need to take a deep breath before we go in. Tosh pushes the door open and my heart sinks. Sophia instantly becomes stoic and clings tighter to me. Tobie sits in her hospital bed; her pale dreads hang limply around her face. Her bright eyes no longer burn with a curiosity for life like they have since we were kids. She doesn’t look at us but out the window. I’m frozen by the door, unable to move closer. My mind runs wildly through meaningless thoughts as I try to decide what to say.
I’m sorry
isn’t enough.
It’s okay
is clearly not what she needs to hear.
You can just have another baby
seems horrible and cruel given the circumstances.
I understand
is just a fucking lie.

I look down at Sophia and my mind suddenly stills, stopping on a single thought. I walk to the edge of Tobie’s bed, Sophia still curled into my side, and I take Tobie’s hand. Her face turns to me but her eyes don’t focus on me. She watches Sophia.

Lifting Tobie’s hand, I kiss the back, and squeeze her fingers. “Take as much time as you need, Tobs.”

She squeezes my hand back but she still watches Sophia. Tobie pulls away from me and reaches out to Sophia, wiping the one tear from her cheek like a mother would. Sophia's chest rises and falls with heavy breaths but she manages to keep it together.

Sophia puts her hand over Tobie’s and something beyond anything I could understand passes between them. I feel the room get lighter, the mood shift, and the air get fresher. I don’t know why but I step back from them. Tosh looks at me, his eyes asking me what’s happening again but I shake my head. He looks hopeful and I want to ask him why.

Sophia climbs up onto Tobie’s hospital bed and wedges behind her. The same way I sat with Sophia against me on my roof, at the beach at Mills Lake. Sophia wraps her arms around Tobie’s shoulders and Tobie leans back against her. There are no tears, nor words. No condolences, nor encouragements. Tobie’s eyes close and she lets Sophia rock her slowly. I sit at the end of the bed now and just put my hand on Tobie’s shin. Tosh leans against the wall across the room. There’s a silence that hovers between us. A silence that now ties us together. Our lives. Our pasts, and now our futures, every event in each of our lives twisting and revolving and overlapping the other to weave us together. Tighter and tighter, I’m bound to these people. The people I love.

The thick heavy silence hangs in the room for a long time while Sophia holds Tobie. Suddenly she turns her head in and begins to whisper in Tobie's ear. I can hear the hush of her voice but the words all blend together. I want to know what she's saying but by the way Tobie's eyes fill with tears, I also feel like I'm intruding on their moment.

“I’d never realized until I came here that I was dealing with Lance’s death all wrong.” Sophia continues out loud and Tosh and I look at her. “Because instead of letting part of Lance live on with me, I let part of myself die the day he drowned.”

I’m overtaken with a feeling of exclusion. I don't feel bad about it. I don't really feel anything, and that's the problem. Tobie and Sophia bonding over a loss I’ll never understand makes me feel like a stranger in the room. Because of everything that’s happened, I’ll never feel the way about my father’s death that they feel about their losses. Not ever, and momentarily, I allow the pain to swallow up the numbness. It’s not natural to feel nothing at the death of a father. Itching to move, I get up and make my way to the door.

“I’m going to grab us some coffee. Tosh?” I point to my arm in a sling, implying that I need help and Tosh nods. He kisses Tobie on the forehead before we go.

xxx

“Sophia’s amazing, man.” Tosh rubs his face as we stand in the elevator. “She just knew. Knew what Tobie needed. Sometimes I wish I had some of that girl intuition shit. Amazing.”

I don’t look at my friend.

“Yeah, she really is.”

“You keep that girl, Corbin. Make her yours and keep her forever. I don't give a shit about your reputation.”

I laugh, but the truth is she doesn't need to be mine, because I'm already hers. For as long as she wants me, I'm hers.

Chapter Twenty-nine

Sophia

Tobie stays curled up in my arms after Tosh and Corbin leave and I rock her silently. I feel better now that I told her what happened. How my brother and I fought the day he died, and that's why I went in the water after him. That I blamed my parents for his death because they weren't there, but felt guilt because I was there and still I couldn't save him.

I try to convey my sympathy through my hug, knowing how awful it is to hear people say I'm sorry in that voice that just doesn't understand. I know I should be thinking about her but all I do is think about Lance. I think about sitting in my own hospital bed, much like Tobie.

"I had nightmares so bad that I was on constant medication for weeks after Lance died. I still haven't been back to that lake, but I dream about it. It's not nearly as bad. I'm only a fraction of what I was when it happened. I'll always be fucked up because of it. Always."

It's more of an admission to myself. The release that the words bring fill me with a sense of acceptance. An acceptance of myself. I'll always miss him. I'll always have nightmares. I'll always be a little fucked up, but that's okay.

"We're all a little fucked up, Sophia." Tobie's voice crackles and the sound brings tears to my eyes. "Some just a little more than others."

Tobie sits up and turns to me, her huge blue eyes focused but I still see the swirling pain underneath. I smile at her. "Some a lot more than others."

Taking my hand in hers, Tobie squeezes my fingers and I feel the mood in the room shift, if only a tiny bit. Tobie will be okay. I know that. She just needs time.

"Thank you, Sophia," she says and I nod, thinking she means my hug. Or, my support.

"I'll always be here for you, Tobie."

"No, I mean for letting me in. For trusting me."

A real smile breaks across my face and I gently push her shoulder. "Corbin isn't the only person I fell in love with here."

"Who'd have thought a simple ad on Craigslist could have changed us so much." Her lip twitches, but my gut turns.

"Right, about that. I can move out, if you and Tosh need some time." I look into my lap knowing I'll leave if she asks me to, but inside I keep hoping she won't.

"No, no. Having you around will be good for me. You start classes in the fall, and where will you go? I don't want you to move out, but-" She stops talking and I look up at her, her head tilted to the side. "But it might help if Tosh and I had a couple weeks. A couple weeks to find a new normal."

I pull at the sleeves on my sweater, wrapping them up in my fists. I hadn't thought about that. I hadn't thought about how something like this would change the dynamic of Tobie and Tosh. The jokes, the belly rubs, the midnight tea.

Something about Tobie's words hit me. To find a new normal. How hard it could be for them to rebuild their dynamic. It makes me think of my own parents. It makes me think of how much I made Lance's death about me. But what about them? What's their new normal?

A daughter who runs away. Who blames them for trying to turn her into the son they lost. Who changes her number and doesn't call for over a month, even to say she's okay.

"I think I know where I can go," I say. She gives me a knowing smile and I'm almost positive that she’d already been planning my trip home.

But before I do the inevitable, there's one more stop. And I need Corbin with me.

xxx

The old metal door clangs open and I step into the bar, followed by Corbin and Riley, who had waited in the car at the hospital. The room is dim, but familiar, and almost empty. The soft thud of the bass and clinking of glasses being cycled through the washer are the only sounds. Kayla comes around the corner carrying a case of beer and stops dead when she sees us. My chest seizes at the sight of her swollen cheek and black-rimmed eye. Her eyes are wide and scared, but her mouth set defiantly. She continues to move toward us and sets the case on the bar.

"Kayla," Corbin says quietly as we approach the bar. "What the fuck happened to you?"

I notice Rich sitting in his regular spot, his hand tightly wrapped around his beer. His eyes find mine, and the wrinkles fold up around them with his frown as he shakes his head.

"I'm fine, Corb. Don't worry about it." She's tough. I wish I had a tenth of her strength, but by the way she lets her pale hair hang in her face and won't tilt her head up completely tells me that she might not be telling the truth.

"Of course you're fine, you're Kayla. I asked what the fuck happened," Corbin repeats and smirks. Kayla glances at me and I try to look encouraging, but I don't really know what that looks like.

Kayla sighs and tucks her hair behind her ear, the yellowish purple bruising going up into her hairline.

"He came in here, super messed up. Drunker than I'd ever seen him. He went on and on about some whore that ruined his life, his words, not mine, but he wouldn't stop drinking."

"My mom," Corbin states.

"I tried to make him stop but he just yelled at me. Called me names. That didn't bother me, I work in a bar. And my mom and all. Anyway, his phone rang, he answered it, and seconds later, he just exploded. Screaming at me. That’s when I locked myself in the office. Whoever he was talking to really pissed him off. I don’t know how it happened really. He got into the office, hit me, and took off with my car. I’m really sorry, Corbin. Really.”

“Yeah, me too,” Corbin mutters, reaching across the bar for her hand. She takes it but turns to me.

“You okay?” She asks.

I’m taken aback that she’d be concerned for me but I nod. “I’ll live.”

She smiles like I’ve made a joke. I guess it is kind of a joke. A sick and twisted one, but fitting for my life.

“Are you coming back to work? I’m not sure if I’ll have a job for you. With David and all, I dunno what’ll happen with this place.” She shifts from me to Corbin fighting back tears, and winning. “You know this is going to fall on you.”

Corbin nods. “Yeah, I have no fucking clue what’s going to happen. I don’t even want to look at this place until after we figure out what to do about the funeral."

The sound of someone clearing their throat makes us all turn. Rich leans on the bar so he can see Corbin, and I had almost forgotten he was there.

“How much would you sell this place for?” he asks and no one says anything, so he asks again.

“Uh, I have no idea, Rich. Why? You buying?” Corbin laughs a fake laugh but Rich’s face is set in concentration.

“Yes.”

Corbin runs his hand through his hair but I can’t see his expression. “Have you gone certifiably insane old man? I don’t need your pity.”

“I’m serious. But I would have one condition.” My own mouth hangs open as Rich talks like the sale has already been made.

“Which would be?” Corbin’s voice is drawn out, sounding as skeptical as I feel.

“I’m an old man, I can’t run a bar. I’ll buy this place off you only if Kayla agrees to manage it with the intention of buying me out within the next ten years.”

Kayla snorts. “You have gone crazy, Rich. I swear I only gave him one beer so far.”

“I’ve never been more sane.”

“How do you know you’d even be able to buy it?” Corbin asks while Kayla still shakes her head. I’m definitely on the outskirts of this conversation, but can’t help but watch as quiet, unsuspecting Rich reaches into his wallet and pulls out a blank check. He slides it across the bar toward Corbin.