The Two Gentlemen of Verona (10 page)

LANCE
    I am but a fool, look you, and yet I have the wit to

think my master is a kind of a knave: but that’s
all one, if he
²⁶³

be but one knave.
He lives not now that
²⁶⁴
knows me to be in

love, yet I am in love, but a team of
horse
²⁶⁵
shall not pluck that

from me, nor who ’tis I love: and yet ’tis a woman, but what

woman, I will not tell myself: and yet ’tis a milkmaid, yet

’tis not a
maid
, for she hath had
gossips
: yet ’tis a
maid
²⁶⁸
, for

she is her master’s maid, and
serves
²⁶⁹
for wages. She hath

more
qualities
than a
water-spaniel
²⁷⁰
, which is much in a

bare
Christian. Here is the
cate-log of her condition.
²⁷¹

‘
Imprimis
:
²⁷²
She can fetch and carry.’ Why, a horse can

do no more; nay, a horse cannot
fetch
²⁷³
, but only carry,

therefore is she better than a
jade
. ‘
Item
:
She can
milk.’
²⁷⁴
Look

you, a sweet virtue in a maid with clean hands.

SPEED
    How now, Signior Lance? What news with your

mastership?

LANCE
    With my master’s ship? Why, it is at sea.

SPEED
    Well, your old
vice
²⁷⁹
still: mistake the word. What

news, then, in your paper?

LANCE
    The blackest news that ever thou heard’st.

SPEED
    Why, man? How black?

LANCE
    Why, as black as ink.

SPEED
    Let me read them.

LANCE
    Fie on thee,
jolt-head
²⁸⁵
, thou canst not read.

SPEED
    Thou liest: I can.

LANCE
    I will
try
thee. Tell me this: who
begot
²⁸⁷
thee?

SPEED
    Marry, the son of my grandfather.

LANCE
    O illiterate loiterer! It was the son of thy

grandmother: this proves that thou canst not read.

SPEED
    Come, fool, come: try me
in
²⁹¹
thy paper.

LANCE
    There: and
Saint Nicholas
be thy
speed.
²⁹²

SPEED
    ‘
Imprimis:
She can milk.’

LANCE
    Ay, that she can.

SPEED
    ‘
Item:
She brews good ale.’

LANCE
    And thereof comes the proverb ‘Blessing of your

heart, you brew good ale.’

SPEED
    ‘
Item:
She can
sew.’
²⁹⁸

LANCE
    That’s as much as to say ‘Can she so?’

SPEED
    ‘
Item:
She can knit.’

LANCE
    What need a man care for a
stock
³⁰¹
with a wench,

when she can
knit him a stock?
³⁰²

SPEED
    ‘
Item:
She can wash and scour.’

LANCE
    A special virtue, for then she need not be
washed
³⁰⁴

and scoured.

SPEED
    ‘
Item:
She can
spin.’
³⁰⁶

LANCE
    Then may I
set the world on wheels
³⁰⁷
, when she can

spin for her living.

SPEED
    ‘
Item:
She hath many
nameless virtues.’
³⁰⁹

LANCE
    That’s as much as to say ‘
bastard virtues
³¹⁰
’ that

indeed know not their fathers, and therefore have no names.

SPEED
    Here follow her vices.

LANCE
    Close at the heels of her virtues.

SPEED
    ‘
Item:
She is not to be kissed fasting
in respect of
³¹⁴
her

breath.’

LANCE
    Well, that fault may be mended with a breakfast.

Read on.

SPEED
    ‘
Item:
She hath a
sweet mouth.’
³¹⁸

LANCE
    That makes amends for her sour breath.

SPEED
    ‘
Item:
She doth talk in her sleep.’

LANCE
    It’s no matter for that, so she
sleep
³²¹
not in her talk.

SPEED
    ‘
Item:
She is slow in words.’

LANCE
    O villain, that set this down among her vices! To be

slow in words is a woman’s only virtue: I pray thee out

with’t, and place it for her chief virtue.

SPEED
    ‘
Item:
She is
proud.’
³²⁶

LANCE
    Out with that too: it was
Eve’s legacy
³²⁷
, and cannot be

ta’en from her.

SPEED
    ‘
Item:
She hath
no teeth.’
³²⁹

LANCE
    I care not for that neither, because I love crusts.

SPEED
    ‘
Item:
She is
curst.’
³³¹

LANCE
    Well, the best is, she hath no teeth to bite.

SPEED
    ‘
Item:
She will often
praise
³³³
her liquor.’

LANCE
    If her liquor be good, she shall: if she will not, I will,

for good things should be praised.

SPEED
    ‘
Item:
She is too
liberal.’
³³⁶

LANCE
    Of her tongue she
cannot
³³⁷
, for that’s writ down she

is slow of: of her purse she shall not, for that I’ll keep shut.

Now, of
another thing
³³⁹
she may, and that cannot I help. Well,

proceed.

SPEED
    ‘
Item:
She hath more hair than wit, and more faults

than hairs, and more wealth than faults.’

LANCE
    Stop there: I’ll have her. She was mine and not

mine, twice or thrice in that last article.
Rehearse
³⁴⁴
that once

more.

SPEED
    ‘
Item:
She hath more hair than wit’—

LANCE
    More hair than wit? It may be I’ll
prove
³⁴⁷
it. The

cover of the salt hides the salt
, and therefore it is
more than
³⁴⁸

the salt; the hair that covers the wit is more than the wit, for

the greater hides the less. What’s next?

SPEED
    ‘And more faults than hairs’—

LANCE
    That’s
monstrous
: O, that that were
out!
³⁵²

SPEED
    ‘And more wealth than faults.’

LANCE
    Why, that word makes the faults
gracious.
³⁵⁴
Well, I’ll

have her: and if it be a match, as nothing is impossible—

SPEED
    What then?

LANCE
    Why, then will I tell thee — that thy master stays for

thee at the North-gate.

SPEED
    For me?

LANCE
    For thee? Ay, who art thou? He hath stayed for a

better man than thee.

SPEED
    And must I go to him?

LANCE
    Thou must run to him, for thou hast stayed so long

that going will scarce serve the turn.

SPEED
    Why didst not tell me sooner?
Pox of
³⁶⁵
’ your love

letters!

LANCE
    Now will he be
swinged
³⁶⁷
for reading my letter; an

unmannerly
slave, that will thrust himself into secrets.
I’ll
³⁶⁸

after, to rejoice in the boy’s correction.

DUKE
    Sir Turio, fear not but that she will love you,

Now Valentine is banished from her sight.

TURIO
    Since his exile she hath despised me most,

Forsworn my company and
railed
⁴
at me,

That
⁵
I am desperate of obtaining her.

DUKE
    This weak
impress
of love is as a
figure
⁶

Trenchèd
⁷
in ice, which with an hour’s heat

Dissolves to water and doth lose his form.

A little time will melt her frozen thoughts

And worthless Valentine shall be forgot.

How now, Sir Proteus, is your countryman,

According to our proclamation, gone?

PROTEUS
    Gone, my good lord.

DUKE
    My daughter takes his going
grievously?
¹⁴

PROTEUS
    A little time, my lord, will kill that grief.

DUKE
    So I believe, but Turio thinks not so.

Proteus, the good
conceit
¹⁷
I hold of thee—

For thou hast shown some sign of good
desert
¹⁸
—

Makes me
the better
¹⁹
to confer with thee.

PROTEUS
    Longer than I prove loyal to your grace

Let me not live to look upon your grace.

DUKE
    Thou know’st how willingly I would
effect
²²

The match between Sir Turio and my daughter?

PROTEUS
    I do, my lord.

DUKE
    And also, I think, thou art not ignorant

How she opposes her against my will?

PROTEUS
    She did, my lord, when Valentine was here.

DUKE
    Ay, and perversely she persevers so.

What might we do to make the girl forget

The love of Valentine, and love Sir Turio?

PROTEUS
    The best way is to slander Valentine

With falsehood, cowardice and poor
descent:
³²

Three things that women highly hold in hate.

DUKE
    Ay, but she’ll think that it is spoke in hate.

PROTEUS
    Ay, if his enemy
deliver
³⁵
it:

Therefore it must with
circumstance
³⁶
be spoken

By one whom she esteemeth as his friend.

DUKE
    Then you must undertake to slander him.

PROTEUS
    And that, my lord, I shall be
loath
³⁹
to do:

’Tis an ill office for a gentleman,

Especially against his
very
⁴¹
friend.

DUKE
    Where your good word cannot advantage him,

Your slander never can endamage him;

Therefore the office is indifferent,

Being entreated to it by your
friend.
⁴⁵

PROTEUS
    You have prevailed, my lord: if I can do it

By
aught that I can speak in his dispraise,
⁴⁷

She shall not long continue love to him.

But say this
weed
⁴⁹
her love from Valentine,

It follows not that she will love Sir Turio.

TURIO
    Therefore, as you unwind her love from him,

Lest it should
ravel
⁵²
and be good to none,

You must
provide
to
bottom
⁵³
it on me,

Which must be done by praising me as much

As you in worth dispraise Sir Valentine.

DUKE
    And, Proteus, we dare trust you in this
kind
⁵⁶

Because we know, on Valentine’s report,

You are already Love’s firm votary,

And cannot soon revolt and change your mind.

Upon this
warrant
⁶⁰
shall you have access

Where you with Silvia may confer at large—

For she is
lumpish
,
heavy
⁶²
, melancholy,

And, for your friend’s sake, will be glad of you—

Where you may
temper
⁶⁴
her by your persuasion

To hate young Valentine and love my friend.

PROTEUS
    As much as I can do, I will effect.

But you, Sir Turio, are not
sharp
⁶⁷
enough:

You must lay
lime
to
tangle
⁶⁸
her desires

By
wailful sonnets
, whose
composèd
⁶⁹
rhymes

Should be
full-fraught with serviceable vows.
⁷⁰

DUKE
    Ay, much is the force of
heaven-bred poesy.
⁷¹

PROTEUS
    Say that upon the altar of her beauty

You sacrifice your tears, your sighs, your heart.

Write till your ink be dry, and with your tears

Moist it again, and
frame
⁷⁵
some feeling line

That may
discover
such
integrity:
⁷⁶

For
Orpheus
’ lute was strung with poets’
sinews,
⁷⁷

Whose golden touch could soften steel and stones,

Make tigers tame and huge
leviathans
⁷⁹

Forsake unsounded deeps
⁸⁰
to dance on sands.

After your
dire-lamenting
elegies,
⁸¹

Visit by night your lady’s chamber-window

With some sweet
consort
⁸³
; to their instruments

Tune
a
deploring
dump.
⁸⁴
The night’s dead silence

Will well become such sweet-complaining grievance.

This, or else nothing, will
inherit
⁸⁶
her.

DUKE
    This
discipline
⁸⁷
shows thou hast been in love.

TURIO
    And thy advice this night I’ll put in practice.

Therefore, sweet Proteus, my direction-giver,

Let us into the city presently

To
sort
⁹¹
some gentlemen well skilled in music.

I have a sonnet that will serve the turn

To
give the onset to
⁹³
thy good advice.

DUKE
    
About it,
⁹⁴
gentlemen!

PROTEUS
    We’ll wait upon your grace till after supper,

And afterward determine our proceedings.

DUKE
    Even now about it. I will
pardon you.
⁹⁷