The Ultimate Guide to Kink (12 page)

THE PLEASURES OF BONDAGE

What is it about bondage that draws your attention? Do you fantasize about it? Does your lover? If you’ve tried it before, what about it got you off? If you’ve not tried it, what sort of fun do you imagine it to be? Knowing what makes you and your sweetie curious about bondage is the first step in creating an amazing experience. This is something I constantly emphasize to the students in all levels of my workshops. It can be easy to get caught up in the technical details, bogged down by the variations or wonders of the equipment, so keep your focus on why it’s hot for you.

Each person’s answers to the
why
of bondage will be different. When I ask my readers and students why they love to play with bondage, the reasons they give are wide-ranging and diverse. The list below is just a sampling of examples that come from real people. Run through it alone or with a partner. How many are on your list? On your partner’s? Do you find yourself thinking of completely different reasons that aren’t listed here? Simply going through this list of things that other people love about bondage may be an excellent way for you and your lover to discover new things about each other.

• A lover’s surrender into sensual captivity, fulfilling fantasies of romantic helplessness

• The thrill of being naughty and breaking taboo

• Escape from daily responsibility

• Thrill of anticipating the unknown

• Full-body relaxation while receiving erotic attention

• Erotic humiliation

• Sensation of full embrace

• Firm bondage in a quiet atmosphere over a long period can create a sense of inner peace and meditative stillness

• Bondage as part of erotic role-playing games lets you unleash your dirty evil genius, hot sex slave, or any character that turns you on

• The physical catharsis and excitement of being able to thrash about as much as one likes

• A change of pace from one’s usual sexual routine or play style

• You can appreciate the beauty of the bound body or allow your own body to be exhibited as you’re bound

• The intimate pleasure of giving or taking control with someone you feel a deep connection to

• Immersion in deep trust and emotional intimacy

• Pleasure in the sensations of rope, leather, or other bondage gear on the skin

• Expression of sensual creativity

• Bondage positions and equipment that touch or bind against erogenous zones just perfectly, increasing turn-ons and intensifying orgasms

What other reasons you can think of? Knowing the root of your bondage pleasure will also help you select the right equipment and technique. Why struggle with a truckload of exotic toys if all you need is a blindfold?

BONDAGE BASICS

Regardless of the type of bondage play you want to explore, there are some basic preparations that you have to consider first. Think of it as your preflight checklist.

Up for It?

Talk with your lover and make sure you’re both into giving it a try. Even if your sweetie likes surprises, just springing bondage on them mid-sex can be disastrous. Discuss what each of you wants to try; make sure that you’re clear about your desires and where your limits are. No need to make it sound like some boring legal arbitration, make it a flirty, dirty hot talk!

If you’ve never chatted about this—give the conversation time. Your partner might have hesitations and concerns. Hear them out and compassionately address their concerns. Remember that it can be intimidating to try a new and taboo sexual activity. Remind them that this is about fun and pleasure.

Top or Bottom?

Decide who’s going to be the one binding (usually called the top), and who’s going to be bound (the bottom).

The Escape Clause

Agree on a safeword or safe signal. Having one is especially important if you’re playing fantasy role-play sex games. Sometimes it’s fun to play at saying “No!” but your partner will feel more confident in the games when they know what the real “NO” sounds like. Tops also get to use a safeword if they don’t feel comfortable with what’s going on. Once you set a safeword or safe signal, respect it and abide by it. Solid trust is the foundation of fabulous bondage.

Oops Tools

Sometimes things don’t go the way you planned and the bondage needs to get undone quickly. Sometimes your plans for smooth unbinding go awry. Sometimes equipment fails. Have your “oops tools,” or contingency tools available. Emergency medical shears, which have rounded tips and cut easily through a variety of materials, are an essential part of your bondage toolkit. You may often hear them referred to as EMT (emergency medical technician) shears, and they’re available in most drugstores. They are great for rope, leather, cloth, tape, rubber, and other materials.

If you’re using devices that lock with a key, have several spares available. When using multiple padlocks, take the precaution of using locks with identical keys. Spare keys are a lot easier to hide and carry than giant bolt cutters, as well as being far more stylish.

Sweet Aftercare

How you wrap up your bondage experience is just as important as how you do the wrapping. Aftercare is what each participant wants and needs to transition from bondage play to everyday life. When you finish a delicious bondage experience, it’s like being in an altered state. Great sex in all forms can be like that. Rushing out of it can be jarring at best, and at worst it can put you in an intensely bad mood for a while. That happens often enough that it’s called a “drop.” Both bottoms and tops need aftercare, so schedule your play time with that in mind. How long it takes and what constitutes aftercare varies from person to person. Here are some examples:

• Sex

• Cuddling

• Talking about the fun you just had

• Being quiet

• Chocolate

• Time together

• Time alone

• Snacks and water

• Putting the tools away

• Ignoring the tools for now

Have the Right Tool for the Job

Gather the toys you want for play. This includes the bondage equipment as well as any sex toys, extension cords for vibrators, lube, pillows for propping up the body, slings and sex swings, and any other items you might want. I’d hate for you to be all tied up with the lube just out of reach! Don’t forget to turn off your phones before play, and select your bondage toys according to what feeds your appetites. I’ve listed below several varieties of toys and types of play for you to consider. You can also skip ahead to the First-Time Scenarios I’ve created for you.

TOOLS: DIY FUN AROUND THE HOME

No need to spend a fortune! DIY bondage is one of my favorite hobbies. Look around your home, in hardware stores, or even dollar stores and you’ll be in bondage heaven. Here are just a few ideas:

Scarves

Long scarves are fantastic as blindfolds, wrist bonds, and ties to bedposts. They even make a great dildo or vibrator harness. They’re easy to wash after play. Bathrobe belts and stockings are great, too. If you want to keep it green, recycle your old sheets by cutting them into bondage strips. Here are some scarf ties that we do in my Wrapped for Pleasure class:

Simple Scarf Wrist Tie

Equipment

Illustration 5.1. Simple scarf wrist tie

Directions

1. Bring the wrists together, separated by about an inch. Drape the scarf across the wrists. The midpoint should be between the wrists, with both ends hanging down.

2. Bring the two ends together below the wrists, and cross them with a twist, bringing the scarf parallel to the wrists. This is not a knot, just a twist.

3. Bring the two ends up, one between the elbows and the other between the hands.

4. Tie the two ends together in a simple overhand knot, just as you would to start your shoelace tie. If the scarf is slippery, you can tie one more overhand knot.

THE SIMPLE SCARF SCENE

Ingredients

you and your lover

2 long scarves

your favorite sex toys, lube, safer sex supplies, and whatever else you enjoy in your usual sex life

Action

Bring the scarf out long before the sex fun starts. Use it to tease and suggest all the fun both of you will have later.

The top gently blindfolds the bottom. Make out!

Tie the wrists together above her head, behind her head, or behind her back. It’s up to you and how you like to shag.

Shag! Slow and sweet or rough and wild, it’s up to the two of you.

Give aftercare lovingly.

Illustration 5.2. Midori’s dildo harness

Midori’s Dildo Harness

I invented this harness because I got tired of ill-fitting commercial harnesses. This is a fantastic harness—it’s secure, easy to clean, fits anyone, and travels well. Men can use it to sport a second cock above the one that they grew themselves!

Equipment

1 favorite dildo with flanged base; 2 scarves (suggested length: multiply hip measurement x 1.5. Example: 40” hips x 1.5 = 60” scarves)

Directions

1. Take Scarf A and make a loose overhand knot (which I refer to below as “That Knot”) at its midpoint.

Take Scarf B, place through That Knot, bisecting Scarf B.
Scarf B will now have two hanging ends of equal length.
Insert the dildo into That Knot.
Tighten Scarf A and That Knot firmly around the dildo.

2. Tie Scarf A snug and low around the hips. It’s easiest to tie this in front, with the dildo at the back, and then turn the scarf around. Very important that it be snug.

Place the dildo in the desired position on the body.