The Undomestic Goddess (21 page)

What exactly I begin, but Nathaniel puts a finger to my lips.

No, no, no. Youre going to get your surprise.

Surprise? I falter.

Now come out. Theyre waiting for you. Close your eyes... He puts one arm around my waist
and the other hand over my eyes. Come this way... Ill lead you...

As I walk forward in darkness, guided only by Nathaniels arm, I feel almost sick with
fear. My mind is ranging wildly about, trying to work out what might have been going on
behind my back. Whos waiting for me out there?

Please, please, dont say theyve tried to fix my life up. Please dont say theyve arranged
some kind of reunion. I have a sudden image of Ketterman standing on the lawn, his steel
glasses glinting in the sunlight. OrArnold . Or my mother.

Here she is! Nathaniel guides me out of the French doors and down the steps into the
garden. I can feel sun on my face and hear some kind of napping sound and...jazz? All
right! Open your eyes!

I cant open my eyes. Whatever it is, I dont want to know. Its OK! Nathaniels laughing. No
ones going to eat you! Open them! I open my eyes and blink several times, wondering if Im
dreaming. What... whats going on?

An enormous banner reading HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SAMANTHA! is tied between two trees. Thats
whats making the flapping noise. The garden table is laid with a white tablecloth, a
bouquet of flowers, several bottles of champagne, and a bowl of strawberries. A bunch of
shiny helium balloons reading Samantha is tethered to a chair. Eddie and Trish are standing on the grass, together with Iris,
Eamonn, and Melissaand theyre all beaming at me, apart from Melissa, whos pouting.

I feel as though Ive lurched into some parallel universe.

Surprise! they all cry out in unison. Happy birthday!

I open my mouth but no sound comes out. Im too perplexed to speak. Why do the Geigers
think its my birthday?

Look at her, says Trish. Shes stunned! Arent you, Samantha?

Urn... yes, I stutter.

She had no idea, confirms Nathaniel with a grin.

Happy birthday, sweetie. Iris comes over, clasps me tightly, and gives me a kiss.

Eddie, open the champagne! I can hear Trish exclaiming impatiently behind me. Come on!

What do I do? What do I say? How do you break it to the people who have organized your
surprise birthday party that actually... its not your birthday?

Whywould they think its my birthday? Did I give them some made-up date of birth at the
interview? But I dont remember doing that

Champagnefor the birthday girl! Eddie pops open a bottle and the champagne froths into a
glass.

Many happy returns! Eamonn proffers the bowl of strawberries. Ah, you should have seen
your face just now!

Priceless! agrees Trish. Now, lets have a toast!

I cant let this go on any longer.

Urn... Mr. and Mrs. Geiger... everyone... this is lovely, and Im really touched. I swallow
hard, screwing myself up to say it. But... its not my birthday.

Everyone bursts into laughter.

I told you this would happen! Trish says in delight. She said youd deny it!

Its not that bad, getting a year older, teases Nathaniel. Now, face it, we know. So have your champagne
and enjoy yourself.

Im totally confused. Who said Id deny it?

Lady Edgerly, of course! says Trish. Shes the one who gave away your little secret!

Freya? Freya is behind this?

Whatwhat exactly did she say? Lady Edgerly.

She told me that your birthday was coming up, says Trish, looking pleased. And she warned
me youd try to keep it secret. Naughty, naughty!

I do not believe Freya. I do not believe her.

She also told me, Trish lowers her voice sympathetically, your last birthday was rather a letdown ? She said we simply had to make it up to you. In fact, she was the one who suggested we
should do it as a big surprise! Trish raises her glass. So heres to Samantha! Happy
birthday!

Happy birthday! the others echo, lifting their glasses.

Im not sure if I want to laugh or cry. Or both. I look around at the banner and silvery
balloons, bobbing in the breeze; at the champagne bottles; at everyones smiling faces.
Theres nothing I can say. Ill have to go with it.

Well... thank you, I say, looking around. I... I really appreciate it.

Im sorry I was a little short with you this afternoon, says Trish cheerfully. We were rather struggling with the helium balloons. Wed already lost one bunch this afternoon. She darts a baleful
glance at Eddie.

Have you ever tried to get helium balloons into a car boot? Eddie retorts hotly. Id like
to see you do it! I havent got three bloody hands, you know.

An image comes to me of Eddie battling with a load of shiny balloons, trying to stuff them
into the Porsche, and I bite my lip hard.

We didnt put your age on the balloons, Samantha, Trish adds in a breathy whisper. As one woman to another, I
thought youd appreciate that gesture.

I look from her vivid, over-made-up face to Eddies fleshy pink one and suddenly feel so
moved I dont know what to say. All the time, they were planning this. They were doing a
banner. They were ordering balloons.

Mr. Geiger, Mrs. Geiger, Im... Im so bowled over... Its not over yet! says Trish, nodding
over my shoulder.

Happy birthday to you... A voice behind me is singing and after a moment the others join
in. I look over my shoulder to see Iris coming forward over the lawn, holding the most
enormous, two-tier birthday cake. Its iced all over in palest pink, with sugar roses and
raspberries and one elegant white candle. As she gets near I see, in silver writing: Happy Birthday Dear Samantha From Us All .

Its the most beautiful thing Ive ever seen. My throat is tight. No ones ever made a cake
for me in my life before.

Blow out your candle! calls out Eamonn as the singing comes to an end. Somehow I puff
feebly at the flame, and everyone cheers.

You like it? Iris smiles.

Its... wonderful, I manage to say. Ive never seen anything like it.

Happy birthday, chicken. She pats my hand. You deserve it, if anyone does.

As Iris sets the cake down and begins to slice it up, Eddie tinkles his glass with the end
of a pen.

If I could have your attention. He takes a step up onto the terrace and clears his throat.
Samantha, were all very glad youve come into our family. Youre doing a marvelous job and
we all appreciate it. Eddie raises his glass to me. Er... well done.

Thank you, Mr. Geiger, I falter. I look around at all the friendly faces, framed by blue
sky and summer leaves. Im... Im glad Ive come here too. Youve all been really welcoming
and kind to me. Oh, God, Im starting to well up. I couldnt wish for better employers

Oh, stop! Trish flaps her hands and dabs her eye with a napkin.

For shes a jolly good fellow, Eddie begins gruffly. For shes a jolly good fellow

Eddie ! Samantha doesnt want to hear your stupid singing! interrupts Trish shrilly, still
dabbing her eyes. Open some more champagne, for goodness sake!

Its one of the warmest evenings of the year. As the sun slowly lowers in the sky, we all
loll on the grass, drinking champagne and talking. Eamonn tells me about his girlfriend,
Anna, who works in a hotel inGloucester . Iris produces tiny feather-light tarts filled
with chicken and herbs. Nathaniel rigs up a set of fairy lights in a tree. Melissa
announces loudly several times that she cant sit around, she has to get back to workthen
accepts just one more champagne refill.

The sky is an endless, evening blue and theres the smell of honeysuckle in the air. Music
is burbling away gently in the background and Nathaniels hand is resting casually on my

thigh. I have never felt so content in my life.

Presents! says Trish suddenly. We havent done presents!

Im pretty sure shes drunk more champagne than anyone else. She lurches unsteadily over to
the table, searches in her bag, and produces an envelope. This is a little bonus , Samantha, she says, handing it to me. To spend on a treat for yourself.

Thank you! I say, taken aback. Thats... incredibly kind of you! Were not increasing your pay she adds, eyeing me with slight mistrust. You do

understand this isnt a raise or anything. Its just a one-off.

I understand, I say, trying not to smile. Its very generous of you, Mrs. Geiger.

Ive got something too. Iris reaches into her basket and produces a parcel wrapped in brown
paper. Inside I find four shiny new bread tins and a rose-sprigged, goffered apron. I cant
help laughing out loud.

Thank you, I say. Ill put these to good use.

Trish is peering at the bread tins. But... surely Samantha has loads of bread tins
already? she says, picking one up in her manicured hand. And aprons?

I took a chance, Iris says, her eyes twinkling at me.

Here you are, Samantha. Melissa hands me a Body Shop shampoo gift set, which I know for a
fact has been sitting in Trishs bathroom cupboard since I got here.

Thanks, I say politely. You shouldnt have.

And, Melissa, chimes in Trish, abruptly abandoning interest in the bread tin, stop making
extra work for Samantha! She cant spend all her time running after you! We cant afford to
lose her, you know.

Melissa opens her mouth to retort.

And this is from me, says Nathaniel, stepping in quickly. He hands me a tiny present
wrapped in white tissue paper, and everyone turns to see what it is.

I unwrap the little parcel, and a pretty silver charm bracelet falls into my hand. Theres
only one charm on it: a tiny wooden spoon. I give another snuffle of laughter. A frilly
apron, and now a wooden spoon.

Neither Nathaniel nor Iris knows the details of my real lifeand yet in some ways I feel
they know me better than anyone else in the world. Theyve seen me frazzled and

incompetent, at my most vulnerable. I havent had to put on a front or act efficient or
pretend I know everything.

It reminded me of the first time we met, says Nathaniel, his mouth curving into a smile.

Its... fantastic. I put my arms round him and kiss him. Thank you so much, I murmur into
his ear.

Trish is watching with avid eyes as we draw apart.

Well, its obvious what drew you to Samantha, she says to Nathaniel. It was her cooking, wasnt it?

It was her chickpeas, agrees Nathaniel gravely.

Eamonn has been up on the terrace. Now he bounds down the steps and hands me a bottle of
wine. This is from me, he says. Its not much, but

Oh, thats lovely! I say, touched. Thanks, Eamonn. And I was going to ask, would you be
interested in waitressing ever? At the pub? I say in surprise, but he shakes his head.

Private functions. We have a little concern going in the village. Its not really a
business, more like passing on work to friends. Make a little extra money, that kind of
thing.

Passing on work to friends. I suddenly feel a little warm glow inside.

Id love to. Thanks for thinking of me.

Eamonn grins. And theres a drink or two waiting for you behind the bar if you want to come
along?

Well... er... I glance at Trish. Maybe later...

You go! says Trish. Enjoy yourselves! Dont think about work! Well put the dirty glasses in the kitchen, she adds, and you can deal with
them tomorrow.

Thanks, Mrs. Geiger. I force myself to remain straight-faced. Thats very... good of you.

Oh, and Samantha. She beckons me over with her glass. I was thinking about what you said
to me the other day. About finding myself a little project of my own. Not that my

life isnt extremely busy already...

Of course. I nod.

Anyway. She pauses momentously. Ive decided Im going to hold a charity lunch for Save The
Children.

Good idea! I say with enthusiasm.

And you can help me organize it! After all your experience running such events for Lady
Edgerly, you must be an expert!

Absolutely, I gulp. I look forward to it!

The only experience I have with charity events is attending them with clients and being
forced to watch drunken, highly paid bankers outbid each other in the auction.

I must go too, says Iris, getting up. Good night, and thanks.

We cant tempt you to the pub, Iris? says Eamonn.

Not tonight. She smiles, her face illuminated by the twinkling fairy lights. Good night,
Samantha. Night, Nathaniel.

Good night, Mum.

Night, Eamonn.

Night, Iris.

Night, Grandpa, I say.

It comes out before I can stop myself. Im hot with embarrassment, hoping no one picked it
up. But Nathaniel is slowly swiveling toward me. Trust him to have heard.

Good night, Mary Ellen. He lifts his eyebrows. Good night, Jim Bob, I retort nonchalantly.
I see myself as more of a John Boy. Hmmm. I look him up and down. OK, you can be John Boy.

I had a total crush on John Boy when I was a child. Not that Ill mention this fact to
Nathaniel.

Cmon. Nathaniel holds out his hand. Lets get to Ikes Tavern.

Ike had the storey I roll my eyes. Do you know nothing?

As we head up to the house we pass Melissa and Eddie on the terrace, sitting at the garden
table, which is covered in papers and brochures.

Its just sooo difficult, Melissa is saying. I mean, this is a decision that will affect my
whole life. Its, like, how are you supposed to know?

Mr. Geiger? I interrupt awkwardly. I just wanted to thank you very much for this evening.
Its been absolutely incredible.

It was fun! says Eddie.

Have a nice evening, says Melissa, heaving an enormous sigh. Ive still got work to do.

Itll be worth it, love. Eddie pats her hand reassuringly. When youre at... He picks up a
brochure from the table and peers at it through his reading glasses. Carter Spink.

Melissa is going for a job at Carter Spink?

Is that... I try to speak naturally. Is that the name of the law firm where youre applying?

Oh, I dont know, says Melissa, looking sulky. Its the top one. But its incredibly competitive. Hardly anyone gets a place.