The Undomestic Goddess (30 page)

Tears are flooding down my cheeks as I read it, over and over. I cant believe hes gone.
How can he have given up on us? Whatever Guy said to him, whatever he thought. How can he
have just left ?

We could have made it work. Didnt he know that? Didnt he feel it, deep down? I hear a sound and look up to see Guy and a crowd of
journalists gathered around me. I

hadnt even noticed. Go away, I say in a muffled voice. Leave me alone.

Samantha, says Guy, his voice low and conciliatory. I know youre hurt. Im sorry if I upset
you.

Ill hit you again. I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand. I mean it.

Things may seem bad at the moment. Guy glances at the note. But you have a fantastic
career to get on with.

I dont answer. My shoulders are hunched over, my nose is running, and my hair is falling
around my face in lacquered strands.

Be reasonable. Youre not going back to cleaning loos. Theres nothing to keep you here now.
Guy takes a step forward and puts my glossy high-heeled shoes on the table beside me.Come
on, partner. Everyones waiting.

I feel numb. It really is all over. Im sitting in a first-class compartment on the express
train toLondon , with the other partners. In a couple of hours well be back. I have a new
pair of tights on. My makeup has been repaired. Ive even given a fresh statement to the
press, hastily constructed by Hilary: Although I will always feel affection for my friends
inLower Ebury , nothing is more exciting and important in my life right now than my career
with Carter Spink.

I was pretty convincing. I even found a smile from somewhere as I shook David Elldridges
hand. Its just possible they might print a picture of that, rather than the one of me
punching Guy. You never know.

As the train pulls out of the station I feel a painful stab and close my eyes for a
moment, trying to stay composed. Im doing the right thing. Everyones agreed. I take a sip
of cappuccino, then another. If I drink enough coffee maybe itll jolt me alive. Maybe Ill
stop feeling as though Im in a dream.

Wedged in the corner opposite me is the TV cameraman for the news documentary, together
with the producer, Dominic, a guy with trendy glasses and a denim jacket. I can feel the
camera lens on me, following every move, zooming in and out, catching every expression. I
could really do without this.

And so lawyer Samantha Sweeting leaves the village where she was known only as domestic
help, Dominic is saying into his microphone in a low, TV-commentary voice. The question
isdoes she have any regrets? He gives me a questioning glance.

I thought you were supposed to be fly-on-the-wall, I snap with a baleful look.

Here you go! Guy dumps a heavy set of contracts on my lap. Heres the Samatron deal. Get
your teeth into that.

I look at the piles of paper, inches thick. Once upon a time, seeing a brand-new, fresh
contract gave me a rush of adrenaline. I always wanted to be first to spot an anomaly,
first to raise a query. But now I feel blank.

Everyone else in the carriage is working away. I leaf through the contract, trying to
summon up some enthusiasm. Come on. This is my life now. Once I get back into the swing of
it Ill start to enjoy it again, surely.

But the words are jumbling in front of my eyes. I cant concentrate. All I can think about
is Nathaniel. Ive tried calling him but he isnt answering. Or replying to texts. Its like
he doesnt want to know anymore.

How can everything be over? How can he have just left ?

My eyes are starting to blur with tears again and I furiously blink them away. I cant cry.
Im a partner. Partners do not cry. Trying to get a grip, I look out the window instead. We
seem to be slowing down, which is a bit weird.

An announcement for all passengers. A voice suddenly comes crackling out of the
loudspeakers. This train has been rescheduled as a slow train. It will be stopping at
Hitherton,MarstonBridge , Bridbury...

What? Guy looks up. A slow train?

Jesus Christ. David Elldridge scowls. How much longer will it take?

... and will arrive at Paddington half an hour after the scheduled time, the voice is
saying. Apologies for any

Half an hour ? David Elldridge whips out his mobile phone, looking livid. Im going to have to
reschedule my meeting.

Ill have to put off the Pattinson Lobb people. Guy looks equally pissed off, and is
already jabbing at the speed-dial on his phone. Hi Mary? Guy. Listen, total cock-up on
this train. Im going to be half an hour late

Rearrange Derek Tomlinson Davids instructing. Well have to push back Pattinson Lobb,
cancel that guy from The Lawyer

Davina, Greg Parker is saying into his phone. Fucking trains slow. Tell the rest of the
team Ill be half an hour late, Im sending an e-mail He puts down his phone and immediately
starts typing into his Blackberry. A moment later Guy is doing the same.

Im watching all this frenzied action incredulously. They all look so stressed. So the
trains going to be late. Its half an hour . Its thirty minutes. How can anyone get so het up over thirty minutes?

Is this what Im supposed to be like? Because Ive forgotten how. Maybe Ive forgotten how to
be a lawyer altogether.

The train pulls into Hitherton station and slowly comes to a halt. I glance out the window
then gasp aloud. A huge hot-air balloon is hovering just a few feet above the station
building. Its bright red and yellow, with people waving from a basket. It looks like
something out of a fairy tale.

Hey, look! I exclaim. Look at that!

No one moves their head. Theyre all frantically tapping at their keyboards.

Look ! I try again. Its amazing! Theres still no response. No one is interested in anything
except the contents of their Blackberry. And now the balloons soared away again. In a
moment itll be out of sight. They all missed it.

I look at them, the cream of the legal world, dressed in their thousand-pound handmade
suits, holding state-of-the-art computers. Missing out. Not even caring that theyre missing out. Living in their own world.

I dont belong here. This is not my world anymore. Im not one of them .

I suddenly know it, with the deepest certainty Ive ever felt. I dont fit; I dont relate.
Maybe I did once, but not anymore. I cant do this. I cant spend my life in meeting rooms.
I cant obsess about every little chunk of time. I cant miss out on any more.

As I sit there, the contracts still piled on my lap, I feel tension rising inside me. Ive
made a mistake. Ive made a huge mistake. I shouldnt be here. This isnt what I want from my
life. This isnt what I want to do. This isnt who I want to be.

I have to get out. Now.

Up and down the train, people are stepping in and out, banging doors, hefting bags. As
calmly as I can I reach for my suitcase, pick up my bag, and stand up.

Im sorry, I say. I made a mistake. Ive only just realized. What ? Guy looks up.

Im sorry Ive wasted your time. My voice wavers slightly. But... I cant stay. I cant do
this.

Jesus. He clutches his head. Not this again, Samantha

Dont try and talk me round, I cut across him. Ive decided. I cant be like the rest of you.
Its just not right for me. Im sorry, I should never have come.

Is this to do with the gardener? He sounds exasperated. Because quite frankly

No! Its to do with me ! I just... I hesitate, searching for the words. Guy... I dont want to be someone who
doesnt look out the window.

Guys face doesnt register an iota of understanding. I didnt expect it to. Good-bye. I open
the train door and step out, but Guy grabs me roughly. Samantha, for the last time, stop
this crap! I know you. And youre a lawyer .

You dont know me, Guy! My words burst out in a surge of sudden anger. I pull my arm out of his and
slam the door shut, shaking all over. The next moment it opens again and Dominic and the
cameraman pile out after me.

And so! Dominic is murmuring excitedly into his microphone. In a shocking turn of events,
Samantha Sweeting has rejected her glittering legal career!

As the train pulls out of the station 1 can see Guy and the other partners on their feet
staring out at me in consternation. I guess Ive ruined all my chances of a comeback now.

The other passengers start melting away from the platform, leaving me all alone. All alone
on Hitherton station with only a suitcase for company. I dont even know where Hitherton
is.The TV camera is still trained on me, and as people pass by they give me curious
glances.

What am I going to do now?

As she gazes down onto the railway tracks, Samantha finds herself at a low ebb. Dominics
voice is low and sympathetic.

I dont , I mutter back.

This morning she was devastated to lose the man she loved. Now... she has no career
either. He pauses, then adds in sepulchral tones, Who knows what dark thoughts are going
through her mind?

Whats he trying to imply? That Im going to throw myself under the next train? Hed love
that, wouldnt he? Hed probably win an Emmy.

Im fine. I lift my chin and clutch my suitcase more tightly. Im going to be fine. Ive...
Ive done the right thing.

But as I look around the empty station I feel flurries of panic as I take in my situation
properly. I have no idea when the next train will be. I have no idea where I want to go
even.

Do you have a plan, Samantha? asks Dominic, thrusting his microphone at me. A goal?

Into my mind come Iriss words that day we made the bread.

Sometimes you dont need a goal in life, I reply, lifting my chin. You dont need to know
the big picture. You just need to know what youre going to do next.

And what are you going to do next?

Im... Im... working on it. I turn and march away from the camera, toward the waiting room.
As I near it, I see a guard coming out.

Um, hello, I say. Id like to know how to get to... I trail off, uncertainly. Where am I
going? To... um...

To... prompts the guard helpfully.

To...Cornwall , I hear myself saying.

Cornwall ? He looks taken aback. Whereabouts inCornwall ?

I dont know. I swallow. Not exactly. But I need to get there as quickly as possible.

There cant be that many nurseries for sale inCornwall . Ill track down the right one. Ill
find him. Somehow.

Well. The guards brow creases. Ill have to consult the book. He disappears into his room,
then emerges, holding a piece of paper covered in pencil. Six changes, Im afraid,
toPenzance . And itll be one hundred and twenty pounds fare. Trainll be a while, he adds
as I hand over a wodge of cash. Platform two.

Thanks. I take my ticket, pick up my suitcase, and head over the footbridge.

I know this is a crazy plan. I dont have an address. I dont have any backup. Nathaniel may
not even want to see me again.

But... I have to try.

It seems like hours before I hear the sound of the train in the distance. But its the
wrong side. Its another train forLondon . As it pulls in I can hear the slam of doors and
people disgorging on the other side.

Londontrain! the guard is shouting. Train forLondon , platform one.

Thats the train I should be on. If I was sane. If I hadnt taken leave of my senses. My
eyes move idly over the windows, at people in their seats, talking, asleep, reading,
listening to iPods

And then everything seems to freeze. Am I dreaming ? Its Nathaniel. On theLondon train. Hes three yards away, sitting in a window seat,

staring ahead rigidly.

WhatWhy is he

Nathaniel! I try to shout, but my voice has turned into a croak. Nathaniel! I wave my arms
frantically, trying to get his attention.

Jesus, its him! exclaims Dominic, who has followed me onto the platform. Nathaniel! he
yells, his voice like a foghorn. Over here, mate!

Nathaniel! At last my voice is working. Na-than-iel!

At my desperate scream he finally looks up. For a moment his expression is sheer
disbelief. Then his whole face seems to expand in a slow explosion of delight.

I can hear train doors slamming. Its about to leave.

Come on! I yell, beckoning urgently.

I can see him getting up inside the train, grabbing his rucksack, squeezing past the woman
in the next seat. Then he disappears from view, just as the train starts pulling out of
the station.

I cant move, or even breathe. All I can do is stare at the departing train, moving past
carriage by carriage, speeding up, faster and faster... until finally its gone.

And Nathaniel is standing on the platform. Hes there.

Without moving my eyes from his I begin to walk along the platform, speeding up as I reach
the footbridge. On the opposite side he does the same. We reach the top of the

steps, walk forward a way, and both come to a halt, a few feet apart. I feel shell-shocked
and exhilarated and uncertain all at the same time.

I thought you were going down toCornwall , I say at last. To buy your nursery.

I changed my mind. Nathaniel looks pretty shell-shocked himself. Thought I might... visit
a friend inLondon instead. He glances at my suitcase. Where were you going?

I clear my throat. I was thinking...Cornwall .

Cornwall? He stares at me.

Uh-huh. I show him my timetable, suddenly wanting to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all.

Nathaniel leans against the barricade, his thumbs in his pockets, and surveys the wooden
slats of the bridge. So... where are your friends?

Dunno. Gone. And theyre not my friends. I hit Guy, I add proudly. Nathaniel throws back
his head and laughs. So they fired you. I fired them, I correct him.

You did? says Nathaniel in amazement. He reaches out for my hand but I dont take it.
Underneath my joy Im still feeling unsettled. The hurt of this morning hasnt gone. I cant
pretend everythings OK.

I got your note. I lift my eyes to his and Nathaniel flinches.

Samantha... I wrote you a different one on the train. In case you wouldnt see me inLondon .

He fishes awkwardly in his pocket and pulls out a letter several sheets long, both sides
of the paper covered in writing. I hold it for a few moments without reading it.

Whatwhat does it say? I raise my eyes.

Its... long and boring. His gaze burns into mine. And badly put.

I turn the pages slowly over in my fingers. Here and there I glimpse words that make my
eyes fill instantly.

So, I manage. So. Nathaniels arms come round my waist; his warm mouth is on mine. As he
holds

me tight I can feel the tears spilling onto my cheeks. This is where I belong. This is
where I fit. I finally draw away and look up at him, wiping my eyes.

Where now? He looks down over the bridge and I follow his gaze. The railway track extends
in both directions, far into the distance. Which way?

I look along the endless line, squinting in the sunshine. Im twenty-nine years old. I can
go anywhere. Do anything. Be anyone I like.

Theres no rush, I say at last, and reach up to kiss him again.