The Waitress (23 page)

‘What can I say?’ She joined them. ‘I-I’m speechless.’

‘Congratulations,’ Katie told the boys. ‘You should be very proud.’

By the time Patsy, the shiny new waitress, joined them, Katie and Sukie were already at the coffee machine; Paul and Dan with Nik, going through the new menu.

‘Oh my
God
,’ gasped Patsy, almost swallowing her chewing gum, stopping in her tracks.

‘I know,’ grinned Sukie and Katie.

Patsy gasped again, her hands clasping her face. ‘Does it show?’

‘What?’

‘I left my make-up at home. Does it show? ’Cos I can go back home and get it.’

Within half an hour, the first commuter arrived. Katie and Sukie grinned at him from behind the counter and started preparing his takeaway coffee. Thanks to the new brightly-coloured paper cups, even this now seemed more fun. He stepped in, did a double-take and then
stepped
out again, pretending to check the lettering.

‘Oh my
God
,’ he said as he came in.

‘Right that’s it,’ muttered Patsy, flinging down her tea-towel. ‘I’m going home. I can’t do a whole day without mascara.’

With a little explanation, the three of them managed to persuade Patsy that the complete renovation of the café would take most people’s attention away from her naked face. She nodded vigorously, trying not to blink.

‘You see, it all looks so different,’ said Katie. ‘Do you remember?’

Patsy shook her head. ‘I can’t believe it’s my first day and everything.’

‘Good girl,’ said Katie. ‘That’s the spirit.’

Commuter one was joined by number two.

‘Bugger me,’ said commuter two.

‘With or without sugar?’ asked Katie, as Sukie started to make his usual.

‘It’s like a completely different place.’

‘Yes,’ smiled Katie, ‘but with the same charming staff.’

‘So I see,’ said commuter two, eyeing up Patsy.

‘This is Patsy,’ said Katie. ‘Today’s her first day.’

‘First day, eh?’ grinned commuter two.

‘Yes,’ said Katie, ‘in the community. Be gentle with her.’

‘Oh,’ giggled Patsy. ‘You are
so
funny.’ She shook her head, ‘I
swear
.’

In the lull between the 7.44 and 8.14 queues, Katie decided to show Patsy how to use the coffee machine while Sukie prepared the vegetables for Nik’s experiments in the kitchen.

Patsy nodded firmly at each instruction, chewing her gum with renewed concentration, watching every nozzle Katie twizzled and staring as Katie demonstrated the difference between steaming the milk for cappuccino and latte.

‘Do you think you’ve got that?’ Katie asked after every new move she made.

Patsy blinked. ‘Hope so,’ she said.

When the first customer came in asking for a cappuccino, Katie let Patsy make it.

Patsy leapt to the challenge. She stood in front of the machine, chewing furiously, high heels astride.

‘Right,’ she said firmly and chewed a bit more. ‘OK.’

Katie touched the espresso handle. ‘Every cup starts with espresso.’

‘Oh! That’s right!’ said Patsy and pulled the espresso handle towards her so vigorously without twisting it that she almost brought the coffee machine down on top of her.

‘Twist it,’ rushed Katie, lunging forward. She turned to the customer. ‘You’re not waiting for a train in the next half hour, are you? Only it’s Patsy’s first day.’

Patsy snorted loudly into the coffee machine. She turned to the customer.

‘Hi,’ she grinned. ‘I’m Patsy. It’s my first day.’ She shook the woman’s hand.

Katie rolled her eyes. The customer smiled at Patsy.

‘Hello Patsy,’ she said kindly.

‘Please, don’t overdo it,’ warned Katie. ‘It’ll give her the wrong impression. Would you like to sit down? We’ll bring your coffee over to you. At this rate, with the coffee machine.’

The customer was fine with that.

‘In about an hour,’ said Katie, as the customer found herself a table. Patsy took both hands off the espresso handle and clasped them to her mouth, to aid the process of laughter. ‘Oh!’ she gasped, shaking her head. ‘You are so funny!’

Katie returned to the task in hand, giving Patsy a rerun, step-by-step of the cappuccino process. She stepped in at the milk steaming stage so that no one in Porter’s Green got scalded. She allowed Patsy to sprinkle the chocolate over the cappuccino and stopped her with a sharp jab in the ribs just before it started to look like a cow-pat. Then she packed her off to the customer with a parcel of serviette, sugar and teaspoon like a mother packing off her little one to nursery with a snack. She came over quite emotional.

In the kitchen with Nik, Sukie was also coming over all emotional.

‘I mean – “all-day-breakfast”.’ He hit the menu for the third time. ‘It’s
so
done to death, you know what I’m saying?’

Sukie nodded. ‘God yes.’

‘I’m not being funny, but that Kate babe doesn’t know what she’s on about. Y’know what I’m saying?’

‘Yes,’ said Sukie. ‘You’re not being funny at all.’

‘I’m telling you, tofu bangers and mash is
it
, mate. It’s the dog’s bollocks.’

‘How about Tofu Dog’s Bollocks?’

‘That’s the way forward. Not bloody all-day-bloody-long breakfasts.’

‘There. That’s all the potatoes done.’

‘Cheers.’ Nik picked up the potatoes and put them in a bowl, while Sukie noticed that his forearms were kissed with blond hairs. ‘I mean what experience has she got?’ continued Nik, while Sukie watched him flick his hair out of his eyes. She followed the line of his jaw. He turned to her. ‘Y’know what I’m saying?’

‘Mm.’

‘You know what I think?’ he said urgently, leaning in.

‘No. What?’

‘I think you understand me.’

‘Mm.’

‘
You
know that cooking’s an art form.’

‘Yes. You’re right.’

‘I’m an artist, me.’

‘Mm. A bit like my acting.’

‘And I have to be in control of my art.’

‘Yeah, well, that’s right.’

‘Otherwise I might as well be a bloody – I dunno –
plumber
for all I care.’

‘Would you like me to have a word with Katie?’

He stared at her. ‘Would you?’

She blushed. ‘Course mate.’ She found herself going Estuary. ‘We’re mates.’

‘You’re a star,’ he said and gave her a hug. To her joy, she felt a pulsing down below, but it turned out to be Nik’s mobile phone vibrating. ‘Bollocks,’ he said, and took the call.

By the time Katie and Patsy had joined them – the new video camera with its monitor in the kitchen making that possible when the café was empty – he was still on the phone. They all stood staring up at the new monitor in the
top
corner of the kitchen. They could see Dan and Paul having a meeting with their organic fruit and veg supplier in the café, and the monitor was so state-of-the-art the staff could almost lip-read the conversation. They started playing with the remote. Now they could see behind the counter. Now they could see front of house again. Now they could see the till. Now they could see the panic button with direct access to the police station.

Nik rejoined them and asked which lucky bird was going to fetch his peppers and courgettes from the store cupboard for him. Patsy jumped down from the counter and pulled her ponytail. ‘I’ll go.’

He winked at her. ‘Beautiful.’

Five minutes later, she came back.

‘Where’s the store cupboard?’

Katie explained while Sukie demonstrated where the bunch of keys were kept and which key was the right one. Patsy chewed vigorously. She turned to Nik.

‘I’m having a stressful day,’ she explained. ‘Left my make-up bag at home.’

‘You don’t need make-up, beautiful.’

Patsy gave him a smile.

‘I don’t think you understand,’ Katie told him. ‘It had grey cells she needed in it.’

Patsy collapsed with laughter. ‘You are
so
funny!’

While she went to find the store cupboard, Sukie gave Nik a guided tour of the fridge photographic gallery that was Katie’s love life. Thankfully, he barely batted an eyelid at the photo of Dan and Katie deep in chat.

Patsy appeared. ‘They didn’t fit the lock.’

‘Top lock?’ checked Katie.

‘I thought you said bottom lock.’

‘No. I said top lock.’

Patsy looked at Katie and Katie looked back at her. Eventually, Patsy turned and went back down again.

‘So,’ said Nik, ‘you snogged the boss, eh?’

Ah, so he had noticed.

‘Yes, but that was before he was in the business.’

‘Is that what got you the job?’ asked Nik.

Katie let out a splutter of shock.

‘Hardly!’ she said. ‘We had a disastrous date and weren’t even talking when he bought this place. If he’d known it was me, he’d never have hired me.’

Patsy appeared. ‘Top lock doesn’t work.’

‘You have got the right door, haven’t you?’ checked Katie.

‘Yes, the black one.’

‘The blue one.’

‘You said the black one.’

‘I said the blue one.’

Patsy tutted and went back down.

‘I got the job because I’m good at it,’ Katie turned back to Nik, ‘and have years of experience. Like you.’

‘That right?’ asked Nik.

‘Yes.’

Patsy appeared. ‘Top lock, blue door. This key does not work.’ She held it up to illustrate her point.

‘That’s because,’ said Katie approaching, ‘it’s the wrong key. I told you it was the Yale one.’

‘I thought you said yellow one.’

‘Yale one.’ Katie smiled. ‘Try again.’

Patsy went back down.

‘And just like you,’ she turned back to Nik, ‘I want this place to be as good as it can be. Nothing more, nothing less.’

Patsy came back carrying a bag of vegetables and plonked it on the counter. Sukie and Katie clapped.

‘There,’ she said huffily. ‘Courgettes.’

‘And peppers.’

Patsy almost started to cry. ‘He said courgettes!’

‘And peppers!’ said Katie. ‘Courgettes and peppers!’

Patsy sighed wearily and pouted her lips.

‘Wouldn’t it just be better if
you
went?’ she asked.

‘Not for me, no,’ smiled Katie.

Patsy stared at the floor for a while. When Katie and Sukie turned back to Nik, she wandered back down to the store cupboard.

‘Don’t forget the bag!’ called out Sukie. Patsy clomped back into the kitchen, picked up the bag and clomped out again, muttering something about taking the piss.

‘There’s no need to take it out on the girl,’ Nik told Katie, after Patsy had gone.

‘I do not have anything to take out on anyone,’ said Katie.

Patsy appeared. ‘There are your frigging peppers,’ she said tearfully, throwing them on the counter. ‘I’m having a break.’

By the end of their shift, Katie and Sukie were exhausted. When they had first seen Patsy they’d resented her because they didn’t need any extra help. Now they resented her because, thanks to her, they needed all the help they could get. Their job had become the stuff of nightmares. Patsy had to sit down every half hour due to
her
aching feet and she made more mess than the customers. She burnt the toast, took so long to make a cup of tea that customers waiting to be served left quietly, and she followed Katie and Sukie round like a kid sister on a shopping trip. The men didn’t seem to notice any of this, which made Katie and Sukie feel like her two ugly sisters. It took them till noon to realise it was a waste of time to moan about Patsy’s global incompetence to anyone with testosterone. Thank God they had each other.

The next day was the Grand Opening which meant a free glass of wine with every order, delicious canapés, new outfits for the staff (neat little skirts and tops in black, turquoise, purple, fuchsia or yellow with little white starched aprons), visits from local press and MP, Geraldine taking a day as holiday to be in the photographs, and David Gray on a loop, which, by the end of the day, was exactly where the staff wanted to hang him. Dan wore a beautiful linen cream suit with tan shoes, a tan tie and a green face. Paul had been unable to make it as something bad had happened in the office – ‘A footsie player has collapsed which has upset a market in the city’, Patsy had explained – and from then on Dan’s cool had vanished. He seemed unable to process the most simple of thoughts and incapable of hiding the most base of them. He rushed around making sure everyone was happy out front chatting to customers, laughing with the MP and smiling for the photographer. Then he rushed into the kitchen, shut the door and leant against a counter, massaging his temples. Katie handed him a glass of water and some headache pills. She didn’t even look at him, but just said, ‘Take them,’ and went back. She had no idea if
he
did or not. When he came out front, she saw Geraldine approach him and felt wrong-footed. Had she acted like a girlfriend in helping him before he’d asked for it? She watched Geraldine take out a tissue from her bag and, with her back to everyone, so shielding Dan, wipe his brow and upper lip. Yes, thought Katie, she had. She kept watching and saw that as the couple turned back round to the public, Geraldine’s face was locked in grim disapproval and Dan’s brow, neatly wiped, was now creased in – what was it? Katie’s heart clutched. It was shame. She saw Geraldine say something to him under her breath, hand him the tissue and then turn sharply away from him towards her public. Katie looked away quickly, knowing the expression on her face would give her away.

When the local press turned up, Dan was charm personified. Katie watched as he worked the reporter and buzzed around confidently and expertly. In seeing him with Geraldine, she felt as if she’d glimpsed a secret she shouldn’t have and she watched his public persona guiltily. She suddenly felt exhausted – maybe her adrenaline had stopped pumping – and went into the kitchen to see if Nik needed any help. He was busy creating another tray of canapés, while two more trays cooked in the oven. Suddenly Dan burst in.

‘
Chips
!’ he shouted.

Nik and Katie jumped round and stared at him.

‘CHIPS!’ he repeated louder, sensing that the message had not hit home.

‘WHERE?’ shouted Katie.