The Wall (The Woodlands) (14 page)

Matthew was sitting at the front of the carriages.
Everything about the way he sat oozed sadness. It rolled off him in waves. His shoulders were hunched and he was squatting down, observing rocks in a distracted way that made me think his mind was elsewhere. I leaned down and touched his back gently. His muscles tightened. He startled but quickly composed himself, giving me a thin smile.

Matthew was different
from the others. He seemed less able to let the fallen go, more likely to cling to life. I could see the rest of them kissing their necklaces and following each other off a cliff if that’s what they were told to do. Matthew was a fighter. Not like me, though. I just closed my eyes and started flailing my arms around, hoping to connect with something. Matthew was a quiet, contemplative fighter with a plan and actual technique.

“
What’s the matter, Rosa?” he said wearily.

“
I was going to ask you the same thing,” I said

He waved me off
. “Oh, I’m fine. It’s just been a long day. A lot of lives lost, which happens, I mean, it happens all the time, people die but…” He seemed unsure of himself again, stuttering. The survivor philosophy was shackled to him but it didn’t quite sit right on his shoulders.

“
It’s ok to be sad about it,” I said, trying to sound comforting.

“
I know, dear, but it’s not useful,” he replied, standing and dusting off his pants. He was handsome for an older man. I wondered if he had a wife or kids at home.

I screwed up my face at that.
“Who cares?” I wasn’t even sure what he said was true. If death was a part of life, so was grief. It was important. It made me think that everything needs a proper goodbye.

He laughed weakly.
“I like you, Rosa, but there is a lot you don’t understand.”

I tried not to snap at him. My mouth
was bursting to give him a smart-mouth retort. I put my hand to my lips, physically trying to keep it in. I shrugged my shoulders. “I came to ask you something. Can we go out to the woods for a bit?” It was getting dark.

“
I suppose,” he said. “Just keep your ears open for choppers.” Then he returned to staring at the ground. I remembered when I sat staring at the rails, thinking they were the only thing keeping me from being swallowed by the ground, half-wishing I had the courage to just let go and let myself be swallowed. I frowned at the memory but then smiled at the fact that, somehow, I got through it. With help, I got through it.

“
Ok.”

I took a lighter and a knife
from one of the men’s bags and made my way back to the carriage where our snow suits were stacked inside the door. After putting the outfit on, I tramped out into the woods. The cold was a shock but I pressed on, looking for a nice circle of trees with low, protective branches.

The
trees were kind to me, bending down. The snow pulled the branches towards me in an embrace and hid me from the menace in the skies. There was barely any greenery, just different shades of brown, iced with fluffy white. The sounds of my feet crunching over the ice were not that different to the crunching my boots once made over the gravel of the railway line. Thoughts were dangerous but I let them take me back, laughing at the fact that all that time, the rails were in use. It explained why they were so intact. If we had stayed on them, perhaps we would have been run over by one of their invisible trains. It wasn’t really very funny but you could either laugh or cry. It was much easier to laugh.

It took me about half an hour but I managed to get a fire going after digging a hole in the
snow, right down to the frozen dirt. I made sure it would last and then walked back to the tunnel, still finding it hard to make that initial step into the darkness. Like the moment my feet touched the shadows, I would be pulled into a nightmare again.

I convinced them to come with me
, reluctant to explain until we got there. They dressed up in their snowsuits and followed me out into the cold. Confused faces looked bluish against the white. I was starting to feel a bit unsure myself. It seemed like a good idea before. Now I wasn’t really sure what I would say, and whether it would do any good.

As we
walked, I kicked the snow off some low-lying shrubs and pulled off the leaves. I snapped off some of the branches and showed them to Orry. “This is a rhododendron.” I held the straggly, wooden branch in front of his face. His eyes blinked as drips of cold water splashed on his face. Joseph looked amused but he held his tongue. Ignoring him, I continued. “I know it doesn’t look like much but in late summer to autumn it will have a beautiful, delicate, papery flower. It could be pink or red or even purple…” Joseph took the twig out of my hand, his eyes twinkling.

“
Eat or don’t eat?” he said. The words filled me with equal parts joy and sadness. I felt tears come to my eyes.

“
Don’t eat,” I said quietly, blushing in the cold.

We walked towards the orange glow of the fire and everyone stood around it, not wanting to
sit in the wet snow. We gathered up some more firewood and threw it on until we could feel decent heat radiating from it.

Apella
’s face was sorrowful, but at least it had some color to it, although that could have been from the fire. Now everyone was looking to me expectantly, asking me with their eyes what the hell we were doing here.

Softly and very unsure of
myself, I said, “I wanted us to say goodbye.” They looked puzzled. “Um, not to each other, but to this, to what we have been through, sort of like a memorial for our journey along the Great Siberian Railway,” I finished with a flourish. I could feel tears coming quite fast. I hadn’t realized until now how much I had missed being out here, how even though we were running, even though we’d suffered a great deal, parts of our journey were some of the best times of my life.

I moved to the fire and threw
on a branch. “For everything I have learned about myself…”

It was a weird thing to do and I
was embarrassed but I felt we had to give weight to it. I didn’t subscribe to the Survivors’ philosophy. It was ok to feel sad, to feel loss, and to acknowledge those experiences.

Alexei stepped forward
and threw some snow on the fire. It sizzled and left a blackened spot that was quickly engulfed with flame. “To the sacrifices and to the friends we’ve made… Um, also to the knowledge we have gained.”

I rolled my eyes.

I took the knife and moved towards Deshi. He looked wary at first. I held up a curl of Hessa’s hair. Deshi nodded. I cut the little, springy curl from the boy’s head as gently as I could. I gripped it tightly in my fist before throwing it into the fire. “Clara. I miss you so much, I…” Overcome with sadness, I couldn’t finish.

Joseph stepped in
. “Clara, you were wiser and stronger than the rest of us put together. We will never forget you. You wouldn’t let us.”

Deshi rolled his eyes. I knew he thought this was a bit stupid but he surprised us all with what he said,
“To love. Love lost and love found. I don’t think any of us thought we were as strong as this. And I think, now, together, we can do anything.”

Apella was a bit shaky but looked at each and every one of us.
“To our family. I never thought it would turn out like this but I’m so very glad it did.” She looked at her feet and muttered, “I love you all.” I took her hand and squeezed.

Joseph broke the
reverie. I’m glad he did before we all took hands and started singing or something.

“
To those damn hinges! You know, it took me ages to find them and work them out of that window,” he said.

I jerked my head up to stare at
him, disbelieving. “Window? Are you serious?” I asked.

He took a step back, hands up in the air.
“I couldn’t get them out of the door. Why does it matter?”

“
How big were they?” I asked.

He held up his hands awkwardly, while cradling Orry, leaving a tiny space between them.
He looked totally confused. “Why?”

The ridiculou
sness of it could have sent me spiraling into depression. Instead, I smacked his hand and let out the biggest, heartiest laugh. Bending over, I could barely catch my breath. I heard Deshi mutter over my own hysterics, “That’s it. She’s lost it.”

Joseph bent down to find my face.
He swept my hair back to reveal my eyes, and when they connected with that beautiful green, the gold looked like it was sparking in the firelight. I calmed myself.

“
What’s so funny?” Joseph asked, concerned.

“
Oh God… They would have been way too small. They never would have held up the door.”

This news could have destroyed us.

I heard Apella cough and then a noise came out of her I had never heard before—a laugh. It tinkled and whispered, almost musical. When I looked at her, she covered her mouth and I could see her whole body shaking with laughter, tears in her eyes. Then they all started. We laughed and laughed. Alexei fell backwards and landed in the snow, which made us laugh even harder.

Maybe we would be ok.
Just maybe.

The fire was dying and we watched the life drain away from it. The orange coals dull
ed to red and then black. The babies were sleeping and we were jumping up and down to keep warm. It was time to go back, to put our faith in the next part of our journey and see where it led us.

When we got back to the
tunnel, everything was covered in black shadow. We must have looked strange with big smiles on our faces, eyes red and puffy like we had been crying for hours. Confident that our bond was now as strong as ever, we separated into different carriages for the long ride. Gus said we should be able to sleep provided we didn’t get chased, which wasn’t very reassuring. Joseph, Orry, and I were alone. Deshi, Hessa, Apella, and Alexei were in the carriage next to us. We could see them if we pulled up the blind of a small window behind our heads. I fed Orry and laid him in the capsule. It fit, just, across the seat. I yawned. I was tired, but also hungry, not having eaten since the morning that seemed a million years and as many miles away.

We were offered some food. Sandwiches, which were pretty ordinary, just dried meat and cheese. No fresh stuff. And some drinks in pretty red cans. These were something very
different; I had never seen anything like them. Turning mine around in my hand, I observed it curiously.

Gwen grinned
at me as she passed our carriage door. “Don’t shake it up.”

I traced my finger over the letters. It sounded like some nonsense language
, ‘Coca Cola’. Joseph shrugged and we both opened our cans, which made an odd “pfft” noise. Inside the can, the liquid looked dark, like coffee, and it was sizzling. I was wary but Joseph took a swig without thinking, holding his chest and wiggling his nose
. Oh God, they’ve poisoned him
, I thought. He let out a huge burp and grinned. “It’s good, try it,” he said, taking another sip, this time more slowly.

“
You’re disgusting!” I said in mock disdain.

I held the can under my nose. It d
idn’t smell bad—all it really smelled like was sugar. I took a small sip. The bubbles fizzed down my throat and some tingled in my nose. It wasn’t unpleasant but I’m not sure I enjoyed it either.

Joseph put his arm around me and I put my
legs up on the bench seat. He looked down and chuckled.

“
What?” I asked, narrowing my eyes.

“
Nothing, it’s just you’re funny. So suspicious,” he said, copying my narrowed eyes and then opening them wide, letting them shine in all their beauty and drawing me in with that look. The only girl in the world look. “Funny, suspicious, and beautiful.”

“
You’re an idiot,” I said, knocking him with my shoulder. I took another swig, the taste improving on the second intake. A small fire was starting to smolder, and every time he looked at me like that, he was fanning the flames.

The carriage
jolted and we were pulling out of the tunnel, heading towards what could be our new home. We slid silently away and I then understood why they called them spinners. We were encased in a bubble. Two bubbles actually. One that spun around, pushing us forward, and another that floated silently inside it. And that wasn’t even the most amazing part of this train.