The Wall (The Woodlands) (15 page)

It was hard not to feel cold even though the temperature was comfortable enough to wear just a
t-shirt and jeans. The side walls of the spinner were transparent. The ends facing the other carriages were solid blue, but the ones revealing the view were so clear. Like we were floating, like we could reach through and touch the trees that leaned in so close some branches slapped the sides. It was dark, but you could still see light bouncing off the snow. I couldn’t help but gasp. And then shiver from the imagined cold.

I snuggled in closer, breathing in
Joseph’s scent, feeling his chest rise and fall under my head. Slowly sipping my drink, and feeling it pull sleep out from under me.

I flipped my head up and looked at him
so his features were upside down. “Do you think we’re safe?” I asked, knowing full well what he would say, but needing the reassurance anyway.

“
Yes, I really do,” he said confidently. The words vibrating through his chest were so comforting, I almost believed him.

“
I hope you’re right.” Maybe this was what he saw in me. I provided the counter weight to his over-trustfulness.

I tried to close my eyes but they wouldn
’t comply. The brown liquid was swimming in my stomach and fizzing in my brain, but I didn’t feel like talking anymore.

I turned around to face him.
His eyelids were fluttering. The drink seemed to have little effect on him. On both sides the world was buzzing and falling away. The spinner was moving so fast it made me feel dizzy. Heavily wooded areas gave way to sparse expanses of pure white. I dreamed of what was under them, remembering the fields of flowers, the swaying high grass, dormant, not dead, just waiting for its opportunity to press down and spring forth.

My nose was millimeters away from
his. I leaned in a fraction and they touched. He opened his eyes drowsily at first but they quickly brightened. He put his hands on my waist and pulled me closer. It was uncomfortable because the table hung over the bench, the harsh plastic pressing into my side, but I didn’t really care. I closed my eyes and found his lips. We needed to make up for the time we’d lost and we could do that now. My hands and feet were jittery. My mind darted all over the place. Questions I shouldn’t ask popped into my head like—did you dream when you were in the coma? What were you thinking when you were running towards the cabin? Why didn’t you tell me about the bite on your arm?

His hands were running up under my shirt and I was thinking about the coma? I needed to breathe. I pulled back.

“Sorry,” he said, eyes downcast. “Was that not ok?”

“
It was fine. I’m just jittery from that brown stuff.” No one told me reunions would be this hard, but then no one told me much of anything. I was searching for some middle ground. We had already skipped several important steps. Now it seemed he couldn’t wait to skip some more.

He seemed hurt.
“Are you ok?” I asked.

“
Yeah. It’s just… this is hard. Now that you’re not pregnant and the baby isn’t standing between us, literally. And Matt said I’m pretty much healed…” He looked down at the table, tracing patterns with his fingers. “It’s really hard to keep my hands off you.”

If it
’s possible, my dark face went a shade of deep red. Well, that’s what it felt like anyway. What he said was thrilling, intoxicating, kind of scary, but in a good way. I put my hand over his and tried to still it.

I smiled at him.
“Close your eyes,” I said. He pursed his lips but did so.

“
Now what? Are you going to disappear?” he asked, clicking his fingers.

I moved towards him
slowly, climbing towards his chest until our faces were level. He started moving his hands towards my hips. But I put them at his side. I could tell he was frustrated by the consternated look on his face but he kept them there. I started at his neck and made my way to his face slowly. When I got to his mouth, I parted his lips with my own and let my tongue run along the underside of the upper one. He exhaled slowly through his nose, like it hurt. Then we kissed properly, softly at first, but passion and want getting the better of us. To have this almost felt like too much. Like I didn’t deserve it.

Orry
’s rustling interrupted us. Joseph sat up straight and went to attend to him immediately. I put my hands on his chest, holding him where he was. He looked at me, concerned. I put my finger to my lips. “Sh!”

Orry let out a small cry
, turned his head, then his fingers found his mouth and he settled himself. We both relaxed, but Joseph looked upset. His hands clasped in front of him and his hair covered his eyes.

“
What’s wrong?” I asked, bumping him with my shoulder.

Joseph shook his head.
“It’s just that I’ve missed so much. I wish I’d been around to learn these things about him with you.”

I thought about it. If Joseph had been awake, if he had been with Orry from day
one, I wonder how different things would have been. I knew the answer. It was a bizarre alternate universe we had ended up in but, in a way, I was glad it had happened like this. I needed time on my own with Orry or I may have never bonded with him. When everyone stepped out of the line, I was left with no choice. It was hard but somehow I got there. Well, was still getting there.

All I said was,
“You didn’t miss much. You’ll catch up soon enough.”

We talked about everything he had missed
with Orry. How he liked being wrapped tight. How if he was awake, he wanted to sit up. How he never seemed to have a pattern for feeding. Joseph listened and nodded with this awestruck look on his face. I realized maybe Deshi was right; I knew everything about my child. I had paid attention.

Barely thinking at all but needing to get at least one thing out the
way, I blurted, “Hessa and Orry aren’t brothers.”

Joseph looked at me semi
-surprised but mostly curious.

“
Is this about Deshi’s little tantrum before?” he said unkindly.

I never thought I would be defending Deshi but I responded
with, “It wasn’t a tantrum. I think he has a right to be upset. He needs to know that we support him looking after Hessa on his own, that we aren’t going to take him away.”

“
I don’t know. I always thought we would all be together,” Joseph said.

I started to panic a little. I couldn
’t look after both of them. Joseph seemed to notice and he stroked my head gently.

I took a deep breath
. “Look. I know it’s hard for you, but while you were sleeping, life kept on going. Deshi cared for Hessa exclusively. I don’t think we could separate them even if we wanted to. They are each other’s family now.” He looked down and I could tell he was considering it carefully.

“
All right. For now anyway, Hessa stays with Deshi.” That would have to be good enough. I suspected he could see the sense in it but didn’t want to give in all the way as a matter of principle.

After a few hours,
I was still buzzing from the drink but I could see Joseph was getting sleepy. It had been a ridiculously long day. He had just begun to feel better, was allowed to have visitors, and then all hell broke loose. Now we were on our way to the Survivors’ settlement. The place and people Apella and Alexei had been searching for. The place neither of us thought existed. I was excited and nervous. There was so much we still didn’t understand about these people, but like it or not, we were survivors now too.

I still hadn
’t answered his question about Apella and, thankfully, he didn’t bring it up again. Hopefully, we would have time to talk about it later.

After a while
, I could hear him snoring. He had fallen asleep sitting up. I tried to move him but he was much too heavy. Asleep, it felt like he weighed two-hundred kilos. I shoved a jacket behind his head and snuggled into his chest, still shivering every time I looked out the window.

The world was racing by. I didn
’t like it. I wanted to walk out into the snow, touch it, smell the pines, and let the cold air burn my lungs. Being behind a wall, even if it was clear, was too much like being enclosed, captured. Now that I had experienced real freedom, I’m not sure I would ever get used to walls again. Walls loomed, leaned in, and whispered nasty things in your ears. They imposed and imprisoned. I hated them.

I closed my eyes an
d inhaled. I would get back there soon. I had to. I was like a bendy, juvenile tree. Without the air and sunlight, I wouldn’t thrive. I would slowly kneel to the ground, my trunk cracked and splitting, and wither.

I took Joseph
’s warm hand in my own; he murmured something but didn’t wake. I told myself,
one thing at a time. Don’t want everything at once—don’t demand things from these people. They have helped you. Be kind and try to listen
. But I knew I wouldn’t listen, not even to myself. I had to wait. Wait and see what this place was like before I made any decisions.

I hated waiting.

Too soon light was shining through my slitted eyes. Like a white-bone needle it was working its way between my lids and forcing them apart. It hurt. I was groggy and I’d barely slept at all. My teeth were furry. I cursed that brown stuff but then the memory of it made me crave more. That convinced me it was bad.

The sun
rose over the icy plains, painting the horizon with drips of color that hit the snow and splashed across it, seeping in like the ice could hold it. The stunning beauty of it was enough to stop me from feeling so tired, for a moment. In front of us were low hills shimmering under the sleepy sun’s rays. I hoped we weren’t going under them but then going over them would be nauseating. I imagined spinning over the edges, teetering, with no hold on the tracks and my stomach rolled.

I pulled up the blind between the carriages. Everyone was awake and Deshi waved at me.
He looked happier, more secure.

The train glided smoothly to a stop and the carriage door opened soundlessly. The blast of cold air was like a smack in the face.
Joseph woke up very suddenly, sitting bolt upright, like someone had given him an electric shock. Looking at him crumpled from sleep, he looked boyish, his hair sticking up at all angles, his eyes squinting and not wanting to open. It made me want to grab his hair and pull his face down to mine. He made me feel like I was sitting at the edge of a pool, that feeling of warmth touching my toes and begging me to dive in. He smiled down at me, leaned in, and pressed his lips to my forehead.

Matthew poked his head in the door and smiled.
His light brown hair showed strands of gold in the light. “Hungry?”

We both nodded. He threw some sandwiches at us.

He was wearing his stethoscope around his neck and was carrying a small bag. “I thought I would ride with you for a bit. I need to give Joseph a check-up,” he said in a too-cheery voice. His mood from last night was shoved somewhere. Maybe being closer to home helped him. I didn’t know what that was like. There was no place I felt a pull towards except maybe the woods and they were dangerous. We were like trees with nowhere to sink our roots, Joseph and I. Instead of finding the ground we wound them around each other.

Matthew
put Orry’s capsule on the floor and slid into the seat opposite us. Orry seemed so tired from the stress of yesterday, he didn’t even notice the movement. We opened our food and talked while eating.