The Weakness in Me (10 page)

“Do you think you’ll ever get married?” Jason asked, sitting beside her on the jungle gym. They’d both snuck out after curfew to hang out in the park. It may have seemed kind of childish, but her parents’ divorce was just finalized and his mom had, seemingly, gone off the deep end at the news. He’d decided they needed to remember what it was like to be a child again, even though they’d just turned fifteen.

“With my parents’ example and the way your mom treats your dad?” she grunted as she twined her legs around a cold, metal bar.
“Doubtful.”

“What if you fell absolutely, irretrievably in love?” he asked, pantomiming a damsel in distress.

“You need to lay off the Lifetime movies, Jas!” she laughed, for what felt like the first time in a year at her friend’s over dramatic display.

“What? You’ve never been in love?” his voice coming out slightly wounded.

“Well, I don’t think I’ve ever been
in
love,” Samantha answered, honestly. “I do
love
people though. I mean, I love you,” she bumped his shoulder with hers, playfully.

“I love you, too, Sammy,” he smiled at her in the way he did that made her insides feel funny, she looked away when she felt her cheeks heat under his gaze.

“What about you?” she asked
, looking at him again, this time more inquisitive.

“What about me?” he asked, suddenly nervous as to what she was asking.

“Do you think you’ll ever get married?” she echoed his earlier question.

Her breath almost stopped completely as she watched him look her over carefully, before answering, “Absolutely.

**

The morning
of what would have been her third wedding anniversary with Caleb, Samantha woke up feeling completely numb inside. She’d give anything to pull the covers over her head and wake up in Caleb’s arms just one more time. It had been nearly six months since the accident and she missed him every day. Every milestone Corigan accomplished, she would look toward the sky and hope he’d seen it from wherever he was now.

Not to mention
, her renewed friendship with Jason had her feeling extra guilty. Even though they hadn’t crossed any lines, they were definitely as close as they’d been before adolescent hormones changed the course of their relationship. It constantly amazed her how quickly they were able to repair the damage to their relationship. She knew it had to be because of the time they’d spent apart and because she had truly moved on from what had happened. In the back of her mind, though, couldn’t help but wonder if she’d answered his phone calls nearly six years ago, where they’d be today.

She tried not to think too hard about that
, because then she might have never met Caleb, nor would she have Corigan now. She shook off the direction of her thoughts because she didn’t want to know where she and Jason might have been, she only wanted to think about where they were now. Right now, she was grateful. Grateful she’d had her oldest and best friend to help her through one of the hardest times in her life. Surprisingly, even their run-in with Missy last month hadn’t put a strain on their burgeoning friendship. Plus, it didn’t hurt that Corigan was still completely smitten with her new Uncle Jason, too.

Today, however, Jason wasn’t on her
agenda and her mother had volunteered to keep Corigan for the next forty-eight hours so she could honor a standing appointment. She was headed to the day spa at Shalish Lodge, where she and Caleb had married beside the Snoqualmie Falls. They’d both thought the falls were at their most beautiful in December, but their friends and family tried to talk them out of having an outdoor wedding. However, once they saw how serious the pair was about it, everyone had gotten on board. It was a day she’d never forget for as long as she lived.

The previous two years on their anniversary,
Caleb treated her to a day at the Lodge’s day spa before meeting her in The Attic for drinks and dinner. She knew she had over five hours of much needed relaxation to look forward to today. Yet without the promise of Caleb at the end of the day, she wasn’t all that excited.

Heaving a giant sigh, she pushed her way toward her bathroom to get ready for the day.
Keeping her hygiene to the bare minimum, she dressed in her most comfortable yoga pants and cami top, both were black, over which she pulled on her heaviest jacket and snow boots. She gave herself a final look before walking toward her car. She’d just been given clearance to drive from her doctors, but wasn’t sure she was ready to get behind the wheel yet and elected to call a cab instead.

As the cab approached the doors of the Lodge, Samantha was assaulted by her memories of the last two anniversaries and wedding day with Caleb.
The true reason she’d wanted a cab became crystal clear as she watched it disappear around the corner, all the while wishing that she were still inside. Taking a deep breath, she headed toward the spa, resigned to delving into the memories she’d been avoiding for the last six months head first.

“Welcome back, Mrs. McKenzie!” Erin greeted, her smile showing her perfect teeth.
After tucking a piece of black hair behind her ear, the spa’s scheduler started typing away at the computer in front of her. “Mr. McKenzie didn’t call to give us your packages this year, so we just booked you for what you had last year. Is that okay?” She smiled at Samantha as if what she’d just said would have absolutely no impact on the fragile state of mind to which Samantha was barely clinging.

Samantha
eyes went wide at the revelation that Caleb truly paid attention to exactly what she needed from the spa every year. “I had no idea Caleb…,” she started, shaking her head in disbelief. Clearing her throat and trying to choke back the sobs trying to surface, she looked to Erin and smiled. “I mean, I didn’t realize Caleb chose my treatments like that.”

“Yes, he, usually, calls us a week or two before your appointment to let us know what areas we need to focus on for you.
He’s really attentive to your needs; it’s so sweet,” Erin gave Samantha a smile that made it perfectly clear she had no idea Caleb was gone.

Looking down at her hands
, Samantha tried hard blink back the tears stinging her eyes. “Yes, yes, he was,” a small, sad smile crossed her face before finally looking into Erin’s eyes again.

“Was?” she asked, softly, putting a hand on Samantha’s forearm in comfort.

“Um, yeah, he…, uh, he- I don’t know why this is still so hard to say,” she chuckled, nervously, “He passed away about six months ago,” she finished, looking at the recessed lighting above her, trying, again, to keep the tears in her eyes.

“I’m so sorry to hear that, Samantha.
He was one of the most attentive husbands I’ve ever seen,” Erin squeezed her arm.

“Yes, he was amazing,” Samantha whispered.

“Shall we get started?
You’ve got a scrub, massage and wrap scheduled, after that, you still have your reservation in The Attic,” she lead Samantha to the dressing room. “Get changed and we’ll take care of you,” she finished, handing Samantha the usual thick cotton spa robe to change in to.

“I know it’s not conducive to the healing, but can I get a bottle of wine during the treatment?” Samantha asked before ducking into the
tranquil dressing room. Though alcohol had changed her life more than once in the past, she couldn’t think of any other way to get through today. Her heart felt numb already, she could only hope that the alcohol would numb the rest of her senses so she could wake up on the other side of this day. Plus, her severe desire to drink reminded her that the cab had, indeed, been a good idea after all.

“You’re right, it’s not good for the treatments or the environment,
” Erin frowned, taking in Samantha’s demeanor entirely before sighing, “but I’ll see if we can’t switch you to a pamper package instead of a detox type of package, okay?”

“
Sounds perfect, Erin, thank you,” Samantha offered the girl a weak smile before disappearing behind the dressing room curtain.

Two bottles of Merlot and a full head to toe buffing later, Samantha’s
plan was successful, her pain had been anesthetized beyond any true measure of her imagination.

“Mrs. McKenzie, is there someone you should call to pick you up
after your dinner? Or perhaps someone you’d want to join you?” Erin asked just before the end of her appointment, giving her a sympathetic look.

“YES!
There is!” Samantha pulled out her phone and dialed. “Hello!” she slurred at the voice that answered, “I’m at Shalish, can you ask Sara to come and get me at Shalish? I’ll be at The Attic, if she can join me for dinner, I’m at Shalish…Great!” Samantha pushed the phone into her bra before turning to Erin. “My sister is going to meet me for dinner.”

“Fantastic, Mrs. McKenzie.
We’ll see you next year, and I’m so sorry for your loss.” Samantha did what she could to avoid the sad smile on Erin’s face as she started toward the spa door. “The restaurant has your table all ready. I did alert them about Mr. McKenzie, and they’ve asked if you’d like a different table this evening,” Erin called to her.

“I would like a different table.
I don’t know if I can sit there with my memories while I wait for my sister without drinking three more bottles of wine,” Samantha admitted, quietly.

“Very good, I’ll let them know.”

**

Jason didn’t know what to expect when he walked into The Attic thirty minutes later.
From the slurring and the fact that she’d mistaken him for Sara’s husband, he knew Sammy was beyond tipsy and cemented in ‘drunk-off-her-ass’ territory. When he saw her in a corner table looking out the window in the direction of the darkened falls, she was holding a large glass of red wine in her hand, he chuckled to himself. It had to be Merlot; it was the only red she would drink. On the rare occasions that she drank, she usually passed it over in favor of a sweeter wine.

Merlot, damn, this is going to be a long night
, Jason thought, shaking his head as he approached her.

“JASON!” Sammy smiled
, jumping out of her chair and pulling him into a deep hug. He was surprised by her reaction to him, considering she was expecting her sister.

“Hey, Sammy,” Jason laughed
, as she extracted herself from his arms and collapsed back into her seat.

“Wanna crab cake or a screwer?” Sammy indicated the plates in front of her.
“I’m waiting for Sara, why are you here?” Her sentences were still running together.

“You called me, not Sara, I tried to tell you.”
Jason tried to explain as he took the seat across from her and signaled to her server.

“Oh, did I say screwer?” she knit her brows as if trying to solve a puzzle
, ignoring the information he’d just given her, her cheeks colored deeper as she seemed to become conscious of the implication her words made.

“Yes, you did.
I knew you meant skewer, don’t worry,” Jason said with a laugh before turning to the waiter. “Can you bring her a glass of water, please?”

“Of course, sir.”
The waiter left to retrieve the water.

“How much wine have you had, Sammy?”

“Um, two…,” she trailed off, holding up two fingers.

“Y
ou’ve had more than two glasses,” Jason frowned.

“
NO! Two bottles in the spa, and um, one here, almost,” she finished her previous train of thought before pointing an accusatory finger at him and adding, “but, you kept me waiting with my thoughts and the memories were just too strong, Jason,” she looked down at the table.

“Okay, well,
we need to get you home, Sammy,” he said, in his most calming voice. “You need to sleep this off.”

“You aren’t going to leave me, are you?
” she asked, her eyes looking into his, wide in fear, before dropping them toward the table as she frantically started grabbing for his hands, pulling him into the seat beside her. “I thought I could be alone today, but I really can’t. I can’t,” she continued, shaking her head and staring down at their joined hands on the table. Jason couldn’t remember a time he’d ever heard her voice more full of panic and desperation. “He was so good to me. I don’t know why… I loved him so much, but I always felt like no matter how much I gave him, he always gave me more,” she leaned sideways in her seat to get closer to him before lowering her voice to an exaggerated whisper. “Have you ever felt like you didn’t measure up to someone you loved so much? That you aren’t good enough to deserve the love they give you?” Sammy’s eyes shone with unshed tears when she finally looked up at him again. Her pain was visible to anyone in the room, but only he knew exactly how she felt.

“Only every second we were together,” he mumbled to himself.

“You felt that way with us?” the expression on her face was now stunned; matching his that she’d heard his aside.
Apparently being drunk gave her ultrasonic hearing, too.

“Um, yeah,” he cleared his throat and looked her in the eyes
, tentatively reaching up to move a lock of hair that had fallen in her eye. Jason was slightly taken aback when she leaned into his hand. “I always thought I was in some incredible dream and one day I’d wake up and you’d be gone. I knew you could do so much better than me,” his gaze softened as he looked at her, his fingers twirling the piece of hair he’d moved. She was completely plastered and devastated, but still undeniably beautiful. He knew that she might try to start something with him that she’d regret in her pain. He needed to make sure that didn’t happen.