The Weakness in Me (23 page)

“I thought I’d find you out here,” Samantha heard her mother,
Kelly, say from behind her. “Why’d you leave the party?”

“I slipped today, Mom,
” she answered, honestly, “and it was too awkward. I just wanted a little space. Just for a few minutes, you know?” she looked down at her hands locked together on her lap, as she dipped a toe into the warm water of the lake.

“Haven’t you made him suffer enough?”
Kelly asked, settling beside Samantha on the pier. “It’s been six years. I’m starting to wonder if you ever really did move on, Sam.”

“Did you forgive dad when he did it?” she glared back at her mother.

“You’re right, I forgave him too many times for being a philandering asshole, because I couldn’t support you girls on my own,” Kelly’s eyes fixed on the neighboring pier as she began to discuss a part of her life Samantha only really knew snippets of. “But I know the signs of a cheater, Sam. Jason’s no cheater.”

“Look, I’ve forgiven him for what happened, Mom.
I just don’t think I could ever trust him with my heart again.”

“I know he’d done some stupid things leading up to that night, but I think his only crime was being the good and kind person w
e all know him to be and believing that Missy only wanted to be friends.”

“That was always part of the problem.
She always needed to be rescued and she always called him, Mom. If he didn’t constantly leave me to run and save her…,” Samantha trailed off, watching the ripples in the water caused by the late summer breeze. “If he didn’t want her, too, why did he go?”

“Becaus
e she was your best friend, Sam,” she reminded her. “And he would’ve done anything for you back then. Hell, he’s still proving that to be true today,” her mother pointed out. “Besides, I think Missy’s mom was good friends with his mom, too. I’m sure it had a little to do with that, too,” Kelly’s voice turned scolding, imploring Samantha to listen to reason and logic over her father’s history. “Your father never would have done what he’s done for you and Corigan since you’ve moved back in to your house.”

“I know, but it’s not that easy.
What he and Missy did- it shattered my heart. Caleb helped me put it back together,” she paused to gather her thoughts, “Wouldn’t I be thumbing my nose at everything Caleb and I meant to each other if I trusted Jason with the pieces of my heart I have left now that
he’s
gone, too?” Samantha risked a glance at her mother’s face, impassive look firmly in place.

“You know Caleb wouldn’t feel that way.
He’d be happy you had someone to give you everything he knew you deserved. That man in there loves Corigan,” Kelly pointed to the house behind her. “And the way he looks at you, Sam…anyone can see he’s still in love with you.” Samantha didn’t miss the hope gleaming in her mother’s eyes. Kelly had always had a soft spot in her heart for Jason and could be blind to the truth Samantha saw in him.

“I annoy him.
We’ve argued a lot in the last year. He thinks I’m too controlled and too afraid to let anyone in,” Samantha informed her mother.

“Oh my, GOD!
Seriously?” Kelly laughed at her words. “That was like foreplay for you two way back when! You bickered constantly! Don’t you remember?!” Samantha couldn’t hold back a smile at the memory.

“Of course I remember, Mom.
I just want to be better than all the drama that was our relationship…”

“It’s not drama, it’s banter, honey.
Drama doesn’t make you smile like you are right now or giggle like you used to,” her mother reminded her.

“It annoys me that he acts like he still knows me!
He can be so damn cocky about it, too!” Samantha started to work herself up, thinking of everything she could to combat her mother’s words.

“Does he?” she asked, matter-of-fact, turning to look at Samantha again, arching an eyebrow.

Heaving a large sigh, Samantha conceded, shaking her head, “About certain things, I guess. He keeps trying to get me to break or something.”

“Break how?”

“He says I need to give up some of the control he thinks I hold onto so tightly. That I need to know it’s okay to have fun… I have fun!” she folded her arms over her chest and pouted, knowing she looked like a petulant child, but not caring.

Kelly
shot her a pointed look, “In the last year, when was the last time you had fun?”

“Well, um, Jessica’s
twenty-third birthday party?” Samantha offered.

“You mean the gathering you stayed at for one hour, bought your sister a drink, and said you had to go because you had a conference call at eight the next morning?
That birthday party?”

“I did have a conference call!
Besides, it’s just a ploy to get me to take my wedding ring off! That’s all!”

“Workaholic,”
Kelly muttered under her breath.

“Hey, guys,” Jessica called from across the yard.
Samantha and her mother turned toward her. “Corigan wants to open her presents before nap time, so if you guys could maybe haul your asses back inside.”

“We’re on our way,” Samantha answered, standing quickly, grateful for the distraction that effectively ended the uncomfortable exchange.

“Don’t think I’m just going to let this go, Sam. You’ve got to make a choice here, and soon. He deserves better than to be your babysitter forever. He shouldn’t waste his time hoping you’ll realize you can fall in love with him again!” Kelly called after her.

Sammy said good bye to all of Corigan’s guests and tucked the guest of honor into her bed after an epic sugar crash. She knew he was still there, but she was back to avoiding him. After he’d helped her a little, by picking up some of the stray wrapping paper and throwing away empty cups, he, finally, decided enough was enough and started to look for her. When he opened the door to the deck, she looked up at him from the banister, wariness evident in her eyes, but he also saw acceptance of the conversation they both needed to have.

“The kiss, I thought you weren’t ready, but you were, weren’t you?” Jason
started, moving closer, his voice deceptively calm, as if a loud noise would spook her. “You just haven’t taken off the ring because I told you all bets were off, right?”

“No, that’s not why! It’s like I told you: I’m
just not ready!” she screeched in a classic overreaction, not convincing either of them of the conviction behind her words.

“Honestly, why did you push me away?”

Sammy looked over the deck and watched the clouds cast shadows over the lake. As if searching for the words, she paced the length of the deck before returning to the table to sit down. Sighing deeply, she seemed to accept the words she was about to say. Turning her head back to the lake and narrowing her eyes showed Jason she was about to tell him something she didn’t really believe. “I don’t trust you,” she answered, finally, keeping her eyes on a small wake in the surface of the water.

“Still?
It’s been six years, Sammy!” Jason moved into her line of sight, blue eyes glittering in anger at her cowardice.

“What you did…,” she started, turning her bac
k to him and standing to walk toward the door to the kitchen.  Jason almost laughed at her inability to lie to him to his face. “It hurt. Besides, shouldn’t you be over me by now? I mean, you moved on before we were even over, didn’t you?” she continued, obviously grasping at straws and turning toward him before reaching for the handle just in time to see Jason stalking toward her.

It was time for the direct approach now.
If she was going to pretend she knew how he felt, he was going to make sure she understood the truth, irretrievably. Looping her leg around his waist, he pressed her against the wall and his arousal against her core.

“Does this
feel
like I’m over you?” he growled.

“Oh!” S
ammy’s eyes flew to his, her mouth open in shock.

“Yeah,” he said, thrusting his hips once, before dropping her leg and backing away
, turning away from her and shoving his hands through his hair in frustration. “I’m sorry to be so forward, but I need to get this out there so you
finally
get what I’ve been telling you since we were fifteen!” he gritted out.

“So is that
really
why you are being so attentive to Corigan? To me? So you can nail me?” Her words came out bitter, like she’d just ignored everything he’d ever said to her. He hadn’t gone about it the best way, but how could she get such a wrong idea about his intentions? They’d never changed; it was
never
about sex with her. Jason whipped around again, meeting her fiery gaze with his own.

“Nail you?!
Fucking nail you?!
” Jason roared, backing her against the wall again. “You think this is about sex?!”

“Isn’t it?
You want to be my first post-Caleb screw? Isn’t that why you’ve
really
been hanging around the last year? Proximity and all that? You thought it would be easy to get me on my back if you were always here and could take advantage of a vulnerable situation?” Sammy averted her gaze, and shrugged her shoulders in a way that Jason knew she was trying to be flippant. He recognized that she was trying to make him angry enough to walk away. He knew she was scared to let him in again, but he never thought she’d be so scared that she’d try to push him away like this. At that thought, he’d never wanted to kiss her so badly in his life, but he knew that any further type of physical gesture would only make her feel that her argument was valid.

“First, I promised you I wouldn’t leave you again,” Jason said
, closing his eyes and trying to school the desire forming from their anger.  Taking a deep breath, he stopped himself from doing something that would cause her to retreat additionally from him and their future.

“
You said that earlier. When did you promise that?” Sammy pushed against his chest. Seeing the fire still in her eyes, he backed away, slightly, allowing her only a smidge of the space she thought she needed.

“Last December, when you were drunk and begged me not to leave!” he shot at her, trying to stare her down, but she kept her eyes on
the lake behind him.

“You can’t expect me to know about promises like that!
I am not holding you to them! You should know that about me!” She screamed at him. He loved when her green eyes shone with anger like this; he knew she was close to the edge of her control.

“Okay?
Then how about the fact that I’m still in love with you? Can that be enough reason to want to be around you? To want to spend time with you and your daughter? Moreover, how about the fact that you are in love with me, too,” he asked, puffing his chest to getting into her space again.  As she continued to stare over his shoulder, he realized he was going to break before she did, “Fucking look at me, Sammy! Look me in the eye and tell me it’s not true and make me believe it, or so help me, I’m going to have to show you.”

**

Samantha’s chest heaved at their proximity as Jason placed his hands on the door on either side of her head, effectively caging her in. Closing her eyes, she attempted to get her breathing under control and failing.  She knew she was about thirty seconds away from giving him everything he needed to make good on his promise. When she was able to return his gaze, his cerulean eyes were dark with desire.

“
No,” she denied, but knowing she lacked conviction behind her words. “I can’t,” she blinked, feeling breathless again.

“I’ve missed arguing with you like this,”
he said, ignoring her denial, his breathing just as shallow as hers. “The passion in your eyes, the response of your body, the loss of control,” he continued, tracing the line of her jaw to her ear, then down her neck to her collarbone. She shivered at his touch and gasped.  “You react to me, Sammy.  You call to me, even when you think you aren’t.  You want this, I can feel it in the way you are trembling against me right now, the way you can’t look me in the eyes, the way your chest is heaving against mine.”

Though she’d loved Caleb with everything she had, her body wasn’t immune to Jason, nor did her heart forget she’d loved him first.
Her eyes went wide at the knowledge that if he were to close the distance between them right now, the last of her control would shatter and she’d completely succumb to him, permanently. Placing a hand on his chest, she intended to push him away, but the frantic beat of his heart against her fingertips showed that he was just as afraid of this moment as she was.

“I told you, I don’t know if I can go back again,” she tried, her voice sounding wary and tired.
She knew her body betrayed her, but even her head knew that he was her weakness.

“I know I should just leave you to your life, but I just can’t walk away from you.
Not this time. I can’t let you push me away again,” Jason said, taking another tentative step toward her. Samantha’s hand curled into the soft fabric of his t shirt in response. Breathing deeply, she was surrounded the smell of fabric softener, the smell of him, the smell of home. At this realization, she felt dizzy and her breathing became even more shallow than she thought possible. “You don’t want to, I know it,” he whispered, grabbing her left hand from his shirt. “You are scared, I get that. You think I broke you, but I can’t turn off how I feel about you, anymore than you can stop feeling what you feel for me now. Even if you can’t admit
what
you are currently feeling…