The Whole Lesbian Sex Book (29 page)

4.
I like penetration, but if I wanted something in me that looked like a penis, I’d go out and get a man.
You can find dildos to suit every taste (so to speak). Some are realistic, with veins, balls, and glans—you can even buy a dildo modeled after a famous porn star. Others are abstract, like Vixen’s collection of variously shaped dildos that come in all colors and even swirl patterns. (See chapter 17, Sex Toys and Accoutrements.)

5.
But I can’t come from penetrating my partner.
For some strap-on studs, getting off isn’t the point. But if you’d like to reach orgasm while penetrating your partner, you’ll find specific techniques for you suggested throughout this chapter.

6.
Women who strap on dildos want to be men.
Strap-on studs may identify as transgendered—some as butch lesbians and some as FTMs. And some butches and FTMs like to get penetrated. Some women wear strap-ons with garters, sheer fishnet stockings, and heels. You don’t have to associate strap-on play with gender at all—you can wear a dildo to penetrate your partner just because you like how it feels.

7.
Fisting is dangerous.
Not if you do it right. See “Vaginal Fisting,” below.

8.
If you get fisted, you’ll end up all stretched out (and you won’t be satisfied with a mere finger, dildo, or penis).
The muscles at the opening of the vagina get stronger with use, not weaker. If you’re concerned about maintaining muscle tone, do your PC exercises. (See chapter 3, Anatomy and Sexual Response.) Will you be spoiled by the intensity of that fist inside you? Yes!

9.
If you like to get fucked, you’re a “bottom.”
Vaginal penetration can be part of a dominance/ submission scene, with the top fisting her submissive partner or penetrating her with a strap-on or handheld dildo. Conversely, the top can be the receptive partner, directing her partner’s actions with great menace and authority. (“Get that cock in me! Now!”) The bottom can feel very compliant on her knees between her top’s legs. Of course, many women who enjoy penetrative sex have no interest in power play whatsoever. Penetration simply feels good.

10.
Women who crave penetration are really bisexual (or even heterosexual).
Maybe, maybe not. One woman wrote, “I never enjoyed vaginal penetration until I identified as a lesbian.” The hidden fear behind this myth is that your partner will reject you for a man. Many lesbians who have no interest in men love vaginal penetration, as do many bisexual women. Regardless of whether your partner enjoys sex with men, at this moment it is your hard cock, poised expectantly between her legs, that she desires. Enjoy it!

Most women find the area of the vagina nearest the opening to be the most responsive to touch, which makes sense since the outer third of the vagina contains the most nerve endings. The G-spot is located on the front wall of the vagina, fairly close to the opening.

Take a tour of your own vagina before inviting a partner in. When you reach inside with your fingers pointing toward the front wall of your vagina, you can find your G-spot by stroking in a “come hither” motion. Some women find G-spot stimulation really pleasurable, and others find it irritating. Using your fingers or a firm, curved dildo, experiment with movement and pressure. You can locate your cervix and note how your uterus lifts and your vagina balloons out as you approach orgasm. It’s much easier to tell a lover how to please you when you know what you like. (See chapter 3, Anatomy and Sexual Response, and chapter 6, Masturbation.)

Finger-Fucking

Your fingers are extremely communicative. You can feel and transmit very subtle sensations with your fingers. Your fingers are also dexterous. They can bend and reach to explore every nook and cranny. You can use your fingers as a prelude to something, well, bigger—more fingers, a hand, or a dildo—or as the main attraction. Not every woman wants four fingers inside her vagina; and those who do may enjoy the feeling of slowly adding fingers one at a time.

You can caress the opening of the vagina, and your partner can squeeze your fingers as you find her most sensitive spots. You can easily reach her G-spot by angling your fingers toward the front wall of the vagina. Try caressing her G-spot with varying pressure and speed, as you would the glans and hood of her clit.

As the receptive partner, you can push out toward your partner’s hand; your G-spot will be apparent as an area of tissue that’s spongier and rougher than the rest of your vagina.

Illustration 9. Vaginal Finger-Fucking

You can use one hand for penetration, reserving the other for clitoral stimulation. The finger circling her clit can match the rhythms of the finger thrusting inside her. You can hold a vibrator to her clit, or she can touch herself—leaving you to concentrate on her vagina. With two or three fingers you can rapidly thrust in and out, pumping at a pitch that you couldn’t possibly sustain with a strap-on dildo.

Vaginal Fisting

When I’m being fisted, I am all cunt.

Fisting (also called
handballing
or
fist-fucking
) is the practice of inserting a whole hand inside a woman’s vagina (or anus—see chapter 13, Anal Penetration). Contrary to its name, the balled-up fist isn’t forced past the vaginal opening. Rather, the hand is slowly and gently inserted, and once inside, it’s curled into a ball—hence the term
fisting
.

Fisting is about trust and desire. You have to
want
to be fisted to open so dramatically to another human being—and you have to trust your partner to allow her entry in such an intimate way. While not everyone can be fisted—and a particular hand may be too big for a particular vagina—fisting is more a matter of arousal than anatomy.

Those who love
to give
fisting speak of the primal connection of having one’s entire hand inside the body of another human being. For emotional intimacy, nothing surpasses fisting, they say. You can feel every ripple and pulsation of your partner’s arousal. Deep inside her body, it feels as if you have the core of her sexual power literally in the palm of your hand.

For women who crave deep penetration, fisting satisfies that need to be completely filled. You can ride every subtle movement of your partner’s hand into an ocean of sensation. You can completely surrender to the overwhelming intensity of being inexorably penetrated.

How does fisting work? The vagina is quite elastic. After all, it stretches to accommodate a baby during birth. When you’re sexually aroused, your whole vagina expands, opens, and balloons out. As you near orgasm, your vagina becomes quite spacious.

Some women discover fisting almost by accident: One particularly hungry day, when three or even four fingers aren’t enough, your vagina engulfs your partner’s hand. However, most women come to fisting more intentionally.

Fisting requires communication, patience, and lube—lots of lube. The receptive partner takes control to receive her partner’s fist. She must communicate how much, how fast, how intensely those fingers, and finally that hand, can enter. To do so, she needs to be aware of her body. She needs to know what feels good and what doesn’t, and what she needs and wants—and to be able to communicate these to her partner even when the sensations are overwhelming.

Unless you and your partner are veteran fisters, this is not an activity for a lunch-break quickie. Take your time. Before you even
think
about penetration, make sure the receptive partner is thoroughly turned on.

Snap on a latex glove and coat your entire hand with a water-based lube—front and back, up to the wrist. Begin with two fingers. Then three fingers. Then four. Tuck your thumb into the palm of your hand. Try to make your hand as skinny as possible—fisting how-to guides speak of folding your hand into the shape of a duck’s bill. (See the chapter 19, Bibliography.)

Enter her vagina up to the widest part of the hand, with your palm facing the front wall of her vagina and your knuckles facing her tailbone. At this point, move only by millimeters. Stop frequently to add more lube. Talk to your partner—ask her what feels good and what doesn’t. Maintain eye contact. Breathe with her. You can place the palm of your free hand on her chest or hold her hand. Connect with her in any way that works for the two of you.

Some women love the circular pressure of a scooping motion on the fully stretched vaginal opening. You may be able to rotate your way inside of her. Or, you may be able to push straight in; you’ll feel a “pop” and your hand will disappear.

But what if it hurts? Most likely, if you are four fingers deep and about to sink your entire hand into your partner, the pain comes from the widest part of your hand pushing against the ring of muscles at the opening of her vagina. The bones of your hand also may be pressing painfully against her pelvic bones.

Just as the vagina opens with arousal, it shuts down with fear or stress. Don’t try to force your hand inside of her. Fisting is not supposed to hurt. Back off to three fingers or even two. Add more lube. You might try to enter her from a different angle. Let her take the lead.

Some women open more easily after orgasm. If your partner is rocking up against your hand, squeezing her thighs, and contracting around your fingers—in other words, if she’s working up to a colossal orgasm—you may want to ride that orgasm with her. After she comes, stay inside, moving very slowly. Let her arousal build back up again. You may find that her vagina opens wide enough for your hand to slip though.

Illustration 10. Vaginal Fisting

Other women open to their fullest during a long session of penetrative sex
without
orgasm. The more turned on they get, the more their vagina opens. You can postpone your partner’s orgasm, a sweet torture all its own. Slow her down. Still your fingers. Ask her to relax the muscles of her pelvis and thighs, and to breathe with you, slowly and deeply. For the woman who loves to grip a finger or dildo, this will seem counterintuitive—but it works.

That having been said, fisting isn’t something you “make” happen. Don’t be goal oriented. Both partners need to be relaxed and open to possibility.

What to do when you get your hand inside your partner? Ball up your hand into a fist. Immediately. And then be still as your partner adjusts to the overwhelming reality of your hand filling her vagina—not to mention her consciousness.

When your partner is ready, you can move your hand. Remember that a small movement to you is a tidal wave to her. Some women like a slow rotation from the wrist in very small, subtle, corkscrew movements. Others like a gentle thrusting movement—just a centimeter forward and back, slowly and then more rapidly as she gets turned on. Eventually she may become so open that you’re able to thrust in and out, pulling your hand completely out of her vagina and working your hand inside her over and over. The intensity of this is indescribable.

The first time she put her hand inside me,
I was looking into her eyes; it was very, very intimate.
She says that she can feel my orgasm start before I do;
I love letting her be that close to me.

Some women like the pressure on their cervix that comes with deep penetration. That doesn’t mean banging on the cervix, which is delicate and can be bruised easily. Here’s where you can appreciate the “ballooning” of the vagina just before orgasm. Depending on her menstrual cycle and the location of her cervix, you may be able slip your hand behind her cervix.

In fisting, your partner can ride the edge of her orgasm for a long, long time. In fact, some women like to be fisted endlessly with little thought of coming. Others will begin climbing to the peak of an extended orgasm the moment your fist begins to move. You can combine fisting with many other sources of stimulation, including vibrators, nipple clamps, and even a small butt plug. Some women like to use a vibrator on their clit while being fisting. Others prefer their own fingers.