The Whole Lesbian Sex Book (39 page)

Illustration 19. Tit Play with Needles and Clamps

You can purchase several different types of nipple clamps (which can double as labia clamps): tweezer-style clamps, rubber covered alligator clamps (see Illustration 19), and Japanese clover-shaped clamps that get tighter when pulled. Clamps come in pairs linked by a thin chain. You can hang 1-ounce weights from the chain. Don’t keep clamps on for more than 20 to 30 minutes, since restricting blood flow can damage tissue and nerves.

A zipper is an extremely nasty (or nice) toy made by stringing together ordinary wooden clothespins. Slide a piece of string through the metal hole in the center of the clothespin and tie knots on either side so that the clothespin can’t slide along the string. Repeat at 2-inch intervals until you have a dozen clothespins evenly spaced on the string. Attach the zipper by applying each clothespin to your partner’s upper arms, thighs, or torso, and leave them on for about ten minutes. Then yank the string to “pull the zipper.” Yowza.

Sensation Play

You can manipulate sensation in all sorts of clever ways. Two popular methods are to play with texture (feathers and fur mitts alternating with fingernails or neuro wheels) and temperature (Tiger Balm or hot wax alternating with ice cubes).

Common household candles are fine for wax play—in fact, they’re preferred over beeswax, which melts at a much higher temperature. With your partner lying on her back, hold a lit candle several feet above her torso. Tilt the candle so that the hot wax drips down on her chest one drop at a time. The wax will sear as it meets her skin. The burning sensation will fade to a pleasant glow after a moment. You can intensify the sensation by holding the candle closer to her body.

What goes on must come off. You have to get all that melted wax off her skin, which can itself be fun. You can carefully pick individual bits of wax off her skin with the tip of a knife. The sensation of the knife barely scratching her skin as the pieces of wax are peeled away can be very intense on her already sensitive flesh.

Keep hot wax away from the face and genitals, and keep flames away from bedsheets.

Play Piercings

Many women are devoted to blood play, which may include temporary piercing with sterile needles and knife play with or without breaking the skin. Any opening of the skin opens a channel to the emotions as well. It’s important to respect the potential for vulnerability in blood play, as well as to respect the need for sterile procedures.
These are advanced S/M techniques. Do not attempt play piercings or cuttings without instruction from an experienced player.

Many women enjoy the intensity and intimacy of temporary piercings. In play piercing, sterile hypodermic needles (ranging from 25 gauge to 16 gauge) are inserted under a layer of skin so thin that you may be able to see the needle through the skin’s surface. (Never poke a needle into the flesh; slide it gently under the topmost layer of skin.)

You can pierce any fleshy area of the body, such as the breasts, chest, or upper arms. Unless you’re a very experienced piercer, avoid areas dense with nerves, such as the face. In addition to sterile needles, you’ll need latex gloves, alcohol wipes, and a proper container for disposing of used sharps.

Remember that any time the skin is opened, there’s a possibility of infection. Clean the area with alcohol and wear gloves. Be careful not to stick yourself with a used needle. Don’t reuse needles. Dispose of needles properly.

You’ll find more information on play piercing in the Web link below. Do
not
attempt blood play without proper instruction.

“Home Despot”

You can create a dungeon at home with a little ingenuity—plus a trip to your local hardware store. (You’ll never look at the store the same way again—and the folks in the logo aprons probably won’t look at you the same either.)

You can attach eyebolts to the ceiling, the frame of a doorway, or other solid surface. Make sure you find a stud or crossbeam; the bolt will tear through plaster or Sheetrock the first time you play with a feisty bottom. You can attach lengths of chain to the eyebolts using panic snaps, and then secure the chain to wrist and ankle restraints. Panic snaps are clips designed to release easily—even with a person weighing them down. You’ll find spools of chain of all gauges and colors at a good hardware store. Examine the links carefully; avoid chain that has sharp points where the links close. Generally, a heavier chain will be safer to use (it can’t cut into a partner’s skin), has smoother links, and will produce a much scarier effect. (Try blindfolding your partner before you attach her to the chains; let her listen to the chain clanking.)

While you’re browsing for chain and eyebolts, check out the displays of rope, shackles, clips, clothespins, kitchen utensils, candles, and first aid and safety supplies.

You can buy or make a sling, which you can hang from hooks in the ceiling or from a frame. See the resources chapter for vendors of S/M gear.

Make sure the room you intend to use as your dungeon has adequate lighting and is clean—particularly if you plan to engage in play piercing. You can install soundproofing insulation if you’re worried about neighbors—or invest in a gag.

How Do You Know What You Want?

“Mostly, what I want to know is how do you know what you would like if you’ve never done it?” wrote one woman who expressed a fascination with BDSM—but had little actual experience. “How do you know whether to ask for a fiberglass cane, say, or a riding crop? Obviously, my perverted bottom child-self has had many fantasies about being hit—but I don’t know that I pictured precisely with what. So, does one just say, ‘I’ll let you know if I don’t like it’?”

Faced with an endless list of possibilities, how do you know what you’ll like? Or what you even want to try? Here are some suggestions:

•
Begin with fantasy.
What produces the most heat for you? What do you imagine when you close your eyes? “I fantasize having my hands bound—not so that I will be hurt, but so that I can’t touch my lover. I love feeling desired and knowing that everything she does, she does completely of her own free will.”

•
Experiment with sensations on yourself.
From wooden spoons to clothespins, you’ve probably got an arsenal of implements of torture in your home.

•
Go shopping.
You can visit a leather S/M store and handle the toys. Which ones feel good in your hands? Or turn you on right there in the aisle? You can shop online as well. While you won’t get a tactile sense of the potential of various toys, you’ll get some impressive visuals. Some websites selling S/M gear show beautifully designed whips, crops, hoods, and other bondage devices.

•
Experiment with a friend
—outside of any scene or sexual context. Take turns paddling each other with that wooden spoon or swinging a belt against bare flesh.

•
Negotiate a scene.
Many experienced tops enjoy playing with novice bottoms. Why? It makes S/M new for them, too. Tops who play with novice bottoms have all sorts of tricks for helping their partners discover what works best for them. One popular method is to “calibrate” the bottom to each type of sensation. The top asks the bottom to assign each sensation a value on a 1-to-10 scale, with 1 being hardly perceptible and 10 being unbearable to the point of calling a safeword. The top then treats the bottom to a feast of sensations, from the lightest caress of a soft deerskin flogger to the most unforgiving whack of a wooden paddle. In this way, the bottom can discover what she likes in a very safe context. The top can discover how the bottom responds to the top’s particular style and decide whether she might want to explore further play.

“But won’t it be embarrassing to say my safeword? Won’t I look like a wuss if I can’t take it?” Not at all! Taking a lot of pain doesn’t make you a better bottom, nor does being able to push a partner to scarier edges make you a better top. Experienced players use their safewords all the time. Your ability to say your safeword as needed is what makes you a good bottom and a safe player. Likewise, a top’s ability to respond to your safeword is what makes her a safe partner.

“But I want to be a top. Isn’t a novice top a little, well, unconvincing?” Hardly! What makes you want to exert control over another person? When did you discover your desire to inflict pain? That urge to dominate is real; don’t doubt yourself. Many novice tops play with novice bottoms, discovering together their likes and dislikes. Others play with experienced players who are willing to teach from the bottom, so to speak. You may wish to enter into a mentoring relationship with an experienced top. (See the resources section to find a BDSM-oriented email discussion list or a local S/M organization.)

A Novice’s Story

My friend had just ended her relationship with her girlfriend, who was the only top she’d ever played with. She’d never participated in her local S/M community. She’d never played with anyone other than her ex-girlfriend and she was at a loss as to where to find partners.

So, she attended a workshop on negotiation at a local erotic boutique taught by a well-known BDSM professional. Emboldened by her new negotiation skills, she approached the teacher after the workshop and asked her if she ever worked with women clients. The Mistress was more than pleased by the idea of working with a woman client and offered my friend a reduced fee.

The Mistress offered a sliding scale of from $150 to $250—fees would be considerably higher now—for a two-to-three-hour scene, plus a 45-minute phone conversation in which they negotiated the scene. (A session with a professional dominatrix is not prostitution—since it does not involve the exchange of sex for money. “Sex” is usually defined as involving some form of direct genital contact.)

The day after the session, my friend was dancing in her seat at the café where we met for coffee. Her eyes sparkled with excitement and her face glowed. Soon after we sat down, she asked if I wanted to see the marks from her play piercing, and before I could say
Story of O
she had pulled down the neckline of her jersey to reveal the two little red dots where the needle had entered and then exited her chest.

My friend was three times a virgin: She had never been naked in front of a stranger (in an erotic context), she had never negotiated a “real” scene, and she had never paid for an erotic encounter.

As I admired her marks, she chattered on, telling me of the Mistress’s private dungeon, the whole wall just of multicolored and textured whips, and the rack to which she had been bound. Images and snippets of memory came tumbling out—the Mistress commanding her to select one whip she would like and one that frightened her;the elaborate rope bondage embracing her thighs, arms, and torso; the mixture of devotion and arousal the Mistress stirred in her; the tears that came finally as she released the grief over the loss of her lover/top. “At some point during the whipping, she let me suck her hand—and I was gone.”

Toys for BDSM Play

In your BDSM play you can use toys ranging from homemade and appropriated items (see “Home Despot,” above) to beautifully handcrafted leather and wooden implements. You can choose from whips, canes, crops, bondage furniture, hoods, restraints, and many, many other items. It’s not unusual for a well-equipped dungeon to boast thousands of dollars’ worth of toys and other devices.

So how can an ordinary girl play on a budget? For starters, check the resources for mail-order companies that offer inexpensive BDSM toys. Then, make some choices. Which toys must you have in your collection? Which can you improvise? Or borrow before you buy?

Canes and riding crops are relatively inexpensive. Impact toys like paddles and straps can be easily improvised with common household items. Of course, if you’re talented, you can learn to make your own toys.

That Sounds Dangerous!

Yes, there
is
danger in S/M play. You can’t restrict movement or stress the body without some risk. And if you also administer punishment, make demands for extreme levels of obedience and patience, concoct humiliating or embarrassing scenarios, or otherwise toy with a person’s emotional resilience, you’re playing the edge indeed.

Good players are safety conscious. They stand by the motto “Safe, sane, consensual.” Safety is supported by the use of safewords to stop play when necessary; sanity by the practice of playing when emotionally present (and not playing when inebriated or high); and consent by the practice of negotiation.

Any S/M top worth her leathers can tell you how to restrain your partner without restricting blood flow or causing nerve damage; precisely where on the human body you can and can’t safely aim your whip or paddle; and what emergency items to pack in your toy bag.