The Wicked Game (A Wicked Game Novel) (10 page)

Something like she felt with
him
.

Angela sighed as she felt herself breaking because no matter what she wanted, she
would
have to marry someone. And on top of it all, she knew that this feeling would never happen again and she would have to live with that. So she turned her attention back to Lord Bankston and desperately, but sadly, tried to convince him to marry her.

***

In the end it was not Angela but her mother who called an end to the days courting. Tonight was to be important for her daughter and she wanted her to have plenty of time to rest and prepare for the evening. Angela however, had no intention of going straight to her room. It was about her normal time to meet Andrew and though she had the feeling that he would not be there, her body and heart urged her to check.

Sure enough when she reached the bottom of the steps, Andrew was nowhere to be seen. She had a sudden feeling of falling but she had been expecting it. She stood there for a few minutes trying to decide what to do next. Maybe he would come down the stairs for another reason and she could catch him and talk to him, but when he did not come down the stairs she found herself going up the stairs. She didn’t know which room was his but she would find it. She didn’t know what she would do once she had found him but she could figure that out later. First she would find him and hopefully the words and actions would come to her then.

The first three rooms were empty and she could tell that they did not belong to him. When she came to the fourth room her body reacted and she knew that he was inside but when she pushed the door open she found something she had not expected. He was with a woman, a woman that was not her, and although she did not understand what was going on between them she knew that the woman should be her.

But it wasn’t her and it never would be.

Angela was in her room before she knew what had happened, crying out her heart into her bed.

***

When Mary arrived that evening for the party and Angela opened her eyes again, she had the sensation that time had dragged on very slowly but in reality it had passed her by. Here was her best friend, her beloved cousin, her Mary and yet somehow the world did not seem brighter. Angela wanted to tell her everything, just pour her heart out, but she didn’t and she couldn’t. She wasn’t afraid that Mary would gossip about it. In fact she was fairly sure that if Mary had been in her situation she would have run off and eloped! No, the reason she didn’t tell Mary was because at this exact moment she was unsure that she would be able to talk about it. Her head ached but her heart ached more. If she tried to talk about Andrew now she would probably just break down in tears. She would tell Mary someday, but not right now and not like this. Of course, there was always the chance that Mary would figure it out all on her own which was indeed a very likely scenario.

It wasn’t until this point Angela looked outside of herself and realized that Mary had come to her room with a purpose. She was holding one of Angela’s best gowns. It was green. Again. Of course.

“I ran into a servant on the way up...” but Angela cut her off.

“Oh Mary…”

Mary looked down at the floor and began to pick at something on her dress. She didn’t need to answer. The cousins were so close that they almost always knew what the other was thinking, even without words.

Mary tried again but Angela knew that she didn’t mean what she was saying and the words that came from Mary’s mouth were not her own. “Mother says that some of the most eligible men in London will be there. I couldn’t possibly be too horrid...could it?”

Angela laughed. “Those men,” she said, “are vultures...”

Mary raised her eyebrows at her cousin’s callousness.

“And I,” Angela continued, “am the carrion!”

The usually verbose Mary made no sound.

“Oh you know that I am right Mary Cartwright! Those men swarm to me and pick me apart and when they are done, they leave. None of them actually care about me!”

“That is not true!” Mary shot back. “Why just this afternoon you had four suitors come to call. FOUR! I can’t remember the last time I even had more than two!”

Angela’s face hardened. She knew that Mary was trying to make her feel better but she also knew that neither of them had ever cared anything about suitors. It was clear to Angela that the mishaps from the last social event had echoed negatively within Mary’s life as well. “You know just as well as I do that those men only come near me for two reasons. Either my mother has gotten a hold of them or they want to see if I measure up to all the talk. I’m not naive enough to think otherwise.” She locked eyes with her friend. “And neither are you.”

“Well, I—umm—I’m sure that at least some of them have cared for you...”

“Not enough,” Angela stated bluntly. She had a shine in her eyes but it wasn’t one of happiness. “If they had cared enough,
my men
would not have been able to scare them away.”

Silence fell over the room as the pair wondered what to say next.

Angela murmured something.

“What was that Ang?”

“I said, there must be a reason for all of this. Don’t you think?” She took Mary by the hands and pulled her down to a sitting position next to her on the bed. “I mean there has to be doesn’t there? I can’t imagine that there was no reason I am the only true female Bennett. Mary, friend, cousin, tell me that there is a reason! Tell me that in the end this will all make sense. Tell me I am important...Tell me I’m not just a woman!”

Angela was crying now and Mary’s jaw gaped. “Is—” She hesitated and for the second time in minutes, lost her words. She placed her hands on both sides of Angela’s face and grasped firmly. “Do you really think that is all you are? That you are just a woman?”

“Aren’t I?...Aren’t we?” Angela had waited a second before answering but it might as well have been years. In that moment her life literally flashed before her eyes. She searched for something, anything, a sign, to tell her that she mattered and that someone cared about her just because she was Angela. If this was her life then what was the point? She was on her last straw of faith.

Get a grip on yourself! You won’t die from this!

But it was no use. ...A light inside of her faded.

***

The birthday party was a time for going through the motions. Angela was used to such things as she had been doing them all of her life but tonight was very different. Though she had always felt a sense of confinement in her life for the first time ever she was filled with a loss of hope. That spark inside of a person that makes them real and human was gone and she could tell that nothing in her life would ever be the same again. She could tell that she was different but the question was, could anyone else tell, and more importantly did anyone else care? Tonight was a test in her mind of both herself and those around her that would let her know once and for all if her beliefs were true and she was merely a shell, a vessel for the purposes of others. She tuned out her feelings but opened her ears and it didn’t take long for her to find exactly what she was looking for.

“After all, you are quite a sensation,” echoed the voice of the man standing next to her.

She lifted a delicate eyebrow in question. As if she didn’t know what he meant. She wanted him to say it, she was daring him to say it, and then she would make him pay.

He took a small sip of his punch, and contemplated his words that might fool other women into thinking that he cared but Angela was not other women and when he blurted, “Well you are
the
Bennett woman,” everything she had ever thought was confirmed.

That was it, he had done it. Now she wanted to do something to him to make him pay. She was a woman on the verge, but in that moment something changed within her. In that moment she knew that she could never trust anyone to love her…and she would
never
love anyone else. Yes, love required a lot of trust and that was a quality she had never possessed. She had always known that it would be a challenge to let anyone into her heart. No one had ever loved her simply because she was Angela. This man had confirmed it for her. Even her family had never loved her for the right reasons! To the world she had always been a concept, an idea, the idea of the perfect woman and only she knew that this was not the case. Only Angela knew herself for who she really was. Well, best not to take any chances; Angela vowed never, ever to trust anyone again.

With this she thought she remembered the Duke and Andrew. As if what the man at the party had told her had not been enough to break her, it was happening on the tail end of two of the most tumultuous occurrences of her life. She had almost been taken forcefully…but she had almost been loved. Almost being the key word in both situations.

She felt her heart splinter. She could feel each piece, ragged and sharp, slicing her deeper and causing growing pain. It was simply unbearable. This time she
was
going to die; right here, right now. She just knew it and so she made no attempt to calm herself. At any moment a sharp piece of her bludgeoned heart was going to make the fatal wound. She would fade from consciousness forever and no one would even care. Well, of course they would care but certainly not for her. Not for Angela. Not—

And then she did fade from consciousness. Everything went black and for the first time ever, she was at peace.

Angela was slowly becoming aware of herself and her surroundings. She could feel a slight movement and for a moment she had the sensation that she was and infant being rocked in a cradle. How strange that she should wake from such an emotional ordeal with the sensation of being inside of one of her dreams.

This was not just any dream. It was soothing and it had recurred nearly every night for as long as Angela could remember. She sometimes fell asleep praying that she would have this special dream because no, it really was not just any old dream.

The dream always began the same way; with waking up. She was lying down but not in her own bed. She would not immediately recognize her surroundings but something about it felt comfortable, familiar, and secure. It was at this point during the dream that the secret was always revealed. Two figures had come up to her bed. They looked down at her lovingly. It was her parents. Angela would suddenly look down at herself and realize that she was not the same Angela she remembered. Her arms and legs were tiny, pink, and plump. She was small. She was a baby…and her entire life had been a dream. Even though the dream was soothing, at this point Angela would become afraid.

But not today. Today every aspect of the dream was a welcome comfort. If only it could be real! Angela closed her eyes tightly and squeezed them together as hard as she could. She willed and prayed with every ounce of her being that this dream would be real. Please God, just let this all be a dream…

There was a sudden jolt and Angela was thrust back into herself. She realized now that the movement she had felt was actually the bump of the carriage as it went down the road. Had she fainted after getting in the carriage to escape the party? Yes, she must have. She had a sudden memory of the last moments before she blacked out and remembered the blinding pain she had felt. Now, however, she felt no pain. She was furious and she was numb. How could she have let herself come to this? It was the only thing, the only thing, about being
the
Bennett woman that she was thankful for. It had made her strong and resilient and she’d be damned if she let anyone take that away from her.

She closed the door to her heart but she opened her mind. From this moment on her life was hers to create. She was in charge of her destiny.

***

By the time the carriage came to a stop in front of the Bennett’s country manor, Angela was a new woman. She was still Angela but now she was something more. She was confident, she was sure, and now she was in charge. How symbolic it was that she was in the carriage alone. She was starting a new life and she was going to do it alone.

When the groom offered Angela his hand to help her from the carriage she pushed it away and jumped to the ground. How perfectly freeing! She picked up the hem of her horrible green dress and took off running to her rooms. She didn’t know what she would do when she got there, but for the first time she would be the one to decide. She had just come around the final corner before her room when she ran, quite literally, into Andrew. She fell to the ground and when he offered to help her up she shoved him away knocking him to the floor as well. She was on her feet by then running once again. She threw open her door and ran inside trying to close herself inside but before she could do that, Andrew was in the room with her and he slammed the door behind them.

“What the hell was that all about?” He was only a few inches away from her and she could feel his rage as he screamed.

“You have the audacity to ask me that?” she screamed. She suddenly thrust her finger at him. “What the hell was that about huh?” Andrew gave her a confused look. “Damn you! You know bloody well what I’m talking about! Up there. In your room. That harlot!”

Andrew took a step back from her. “What?”

She crossed her arms and glared at him. He suddenly realized what was going on and now he took a step back towards her.

“How—how did you know that?”

She didn’t say a word and just continued to glare but he managed to figure it out.

“You saw that?”

“Yes damn you! I saw it! You, you—”

Andrew threw his hand over her mouth and silenced her. Angela stopped dead. “You really want to know what was going on up there?” Andrew was still covering her mouth and so she shook her head ‘yes’ intently. “Are you sure?”

He had uncovered her mouth now and she leaned into him closer than she ever had before. “Yes! Tell me!”

“That was because of you!”

Angela slapped his face. “Because of me? How dare you!”

Andrew rubbed his cheek as he recoiled from the blow. “Yes!” He grasped her by the arms and pulled her into him. “Because I wanted you so much and I knew I could not have you! I had to do something to get you out of my mind but it didn’t work! All I could think about was you! All I ever think about is you!”