The Wicked Game (A Wicked Game Novel) (27 page)

“What do you mean?”

“Well,” Mary’s throat moved again. “I have you to care for me.”

“Me?
You want me to help you?
” Greg felt himself become unbelievably pale and cold. “What have I done to deserve this?”

“
What have you done to deserve this?
Greg, this has
nothing
to do with you!” she bellowed.

Her voice rang in his head, jumbling up his thoughts and his words and leaving him feeling incredibly helpless and confused. He felt his stomach drop. He wanted to call out to her. Take her in his arms and shake her and shout:

It has everything to do with me. Everything!
And then,
No, no, you must not. You will not.
And then even,
I love you
, if that would have stopped her.

But it was too late for any of that now. Nothing he did would change this. Mary was strong and analytical and determined and confident, and once she made a decision that was it. Greg knew Mary well enough to know that emotions were not going to sway her away from a decision she made with logic. So no matter what he thought and no matter what he said, he knew it would do no good to speak up right now.

Someday—one day—he would say something, but to speak now would do absolutely nothing. Nothing besides possibly drive a wedge between them. That was the last thing he ever wanted, well, besides
this
that was. As much as this whole situation pained him, as much as it ripped through his very soul and tore his heart to shreds, he knew he must leave these things unsaid, because it was at that point that he realized something important.

“I’m not going to be able to stop you, am I?”

She shook her head. “No, Greg. You’re not.”

He just stared at her then and took her in, all golden haired and stormy eyed and fierce as hell, as the moments dragged on in silence. But what surreal moments they were.

It was such a strange thing, he thought, that in these moments he actually felt his admiration for her grow in leaps and bounds. It appeared so demented and insane at first, but he soon realized with wry amusement, that the way he felt also made perfect sense. Her stubborn determination, strong character, and strength of will were what had drawn him to her in the first place and were what he loved most passionately about her—and he always would care for her no matter where these traits took her and how they made him feel.

Because what Greg admired the most about Mary was when she held true to herself.

“I think that perhaps ‘courtesan’ is the wrong word,” she said at this moment, breaking the silence.

“What do you mean?” He was coming down now from his high of emotions and he felt a sudden twinge of hope at the thought that perhaps she didn’t meant to trade affections after all.

“No, now that I consider it, ‘courtesan’ is definitely not the correct word.” She shook her head and rubbed her face as she thought. “What was it Priscilla said again...”

“Oh. Priscilla?” Greg felt his temper rising again along with his voice. “Priscilla put you up to this. I should have known...”

“Priscilla didn’t ‘put me up to’ anything. These are my feelings and this is my idea. All mine. I’ve felt this way for a long time. It was only that I didn’t understand
what
I was feeling or what to
do
about these feelings until Priscilla—”

“Yes, until Priscilla told you that you—that you should—” Greg let out an exasperated grunt. “Let’s all thank Priscilla for—”

“For helping me to realize that I was not alone? That as a woman my feelings are not meaningless and that I
can
do something about them? Well yes. I do thank Priscilla for that.”

“Because all I have done through these years is repress you and hold you back—”

“Greg, no—”

“Refused to acknowledge your thoughts and ideas, wrote off your opinions—”

“That’s not what I—”

“Treated you like filth, and not anything at all like my other friends. Treated you worse even...”

“Greg, that’s not what I’m saying at all,” Mary said. She appeared genuinely hurt as she added, “You know how I feel about you...”

Well there’s the rub,
Greg thought.
How do you feel? ...And how do I feel?

But instead he said, “I know.”

“You have done more for me and for who I am than you will ever know.” She touched his arm softly. Her fingers were hot. “But this? This is something that I must do for myself. Please, I need to do this. And I also need to have you by my side.”

Greg placed his hand over hers and squeezed her fingers. She smiled at him and he smiled back.

“I’m going to regret asking this, but since you cannot give me a name for what you’re proposing, I must ask: what
exactly
is it that you want to do?”

She patted his hand. “All I want is the same thing that every person wants, whether they have to courage to admit it or not. I want to have the freedom to do as I please and to feel alive. I don’t want fame or riches. I’m not trying to raise my social status. You know I don’t care at all for those things. I want this to be about me, a private matter—”

“Well, I’m sorry to tell you, Mary, but that’s just not how these things work.”

“And why ever not? Do you take payment when you kiss a woman in private with no intention of ever marrying her? Do you seek social gain when you give into your primal desires? Does the whole of the social world know of your conquests?”

She raised the corner of her lips at her last question. She was trying to lighten the mood, God love her, but it wasn’t helping. Not even one bit.

“Conquests? Mary, speaking of word choices I really don’t think—” He cleared his throat. “I’d rather not talk about those things with you.”

“Oh, come now, Greg. I’m neither blind nor stupid. And I know very well that you’re not an innocent young lad.
You
have desires and needs...”

She gave him a knowing look and he turned his head to avoid her gaze, but she continued on anyway. “Well, so do I! I have desires and needs just like you. And I have just as much of a right as you to be able to fulfill those needs.”

Greg shifted uncomfortably. “Those are games of men. You are—”

“Don’t you dare say I’m a woman, Gregory Howard. You know how I feel about that hypocritical justification.”

When she used his full, Christian name he knew she was serious.

“And you know that I agree with you on this,” he responded. “But I’m just one man with a dissenting opinion in a sea of men—in a sea of a whole society of people—who I can tell you do
not
feel the same way that I do. Other men may not take too kindly to you edging in on their game and playing by your own rules.”

He shook his head. His emotions had long sense tempered but that did not mean he was happy with this situation in any form. He decided to try one more way to dissuade her.

“Aren’t you worried that this path will actually result in a loss of your freedom? What if one of these men chooses to make you his wife?”

Mary snorted. “I am no catch Greg.”

“Says who?” He didn’t really mean to say that, and when she raised an eyebrow he chose not to elaborate.

“I’m the youngest daughter in a blended family. I have no dowry and I’m much too outspoken for nearly everyone I’ve ever met.”

“Everyone besides me...” He didn’t mean to say that either.

She twisted her mouth to hide a smile. “You do not count.”

“Oh, I don’t? You wound me...”

“You know what I mean. I just meant that you are—well, it’s just that, you’re just—”

“Just Greg?” He finished her thought. Yes, he knew very well what she meant. “You still haven’t answered my question.”

“Thank you for your vote of confidence, but I stand by my judgment. I’m no catch. And besides,” she added almost as an afterthought, “the type of woman a man kisses in secret is not the type of woman he chooses to marry.”

“I’m not so sure about that.” He was beginning to see her point but there was no way he was going to let her see that.

“I suppose that’s why you’re so happily married right now, is it?”

“Well, I—” He couldn’t very well tell her the truth of it all—that he was just as confused as her about a variety of feelings. That would involve a little more truth than he was willing to let free right now. And now was neither the time nor the place. Not right now. Not this way.

“This is not about me. This is about you. As you have said. So, I—” He exhaled loudly and closed his eyes as he shook his head back and forth.

There was a part of him, albeit a very small part, that thought that this might possibly be a dream and that when he opened his eyes... but it was not a dream. The world was just as it had been moments before but at the same time, everything was different.

He cleared his throat.

“So, I shall never turn my back on you. No matter what you do, no matter how much I may disagree with you—and hell, do I disagree with you on this one—I will always be there for you. Always.”

He covered her small hand with his own and squeezed it tightly. This woman of his was infuriating, but God if he didn’t love her all the more for it.

She smiled at him and lifted their clasped hands to her face where she pressed her lips firmly against his skin.

“I do love you, Greg.”

“And I love you too, my girl.”

But before he had a chance to say anything else he saw her blue-gray eyes grow wide.

“I’ve got it!” she shouted with such excitement that it startled him.

“Got what?”

“A word—or a description, rather—of what I want to do.”

“Oh have you now? And what is that?”

“I want to act like a man.” Mary laughed and grinned.

“Oh, help us, God...”

And that was the end of that.

###

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