The Widow and the Orphan (8 page)

Crossing her heart, Pepper nodded. “I won’t. I swear.”

* * * * *

Waiting for the results of Gabe’s tests results proved to be more harrowing than Pepper anticipated. After getting a complete physical from Dr. Harper, the good news was that, upon first glance, Gabe looked to be a normal, healthy man in his fifties. But Dr. Harper said he looked jaundiced and wanted him to have his liver checked. She wrote prescriptions for extensive blood work to be done as well as an MRI. When Gabe questioned it, the doctor had smiled calmly and said it was for the back pain he was presenting with. If there was a blockage, an MRI would discover it. She didn’t give any indication that she thought anything serious was wrong. Pepper and Gabe had left feeling somewhat relieved, but still without any real answers as to why he was passing out.

Sitting at the office, reviewing emails, and talking to donors on the phone was the last thing Pepper wanted to be doing. She wished she could be camped out on the doorstep of the lab where Gabe had given his blood sample, but she knew that wouldn’t make the results come any faster. They had said they would be sent to the doctor within a week, and then Dr. Harper would call.

“Lisa!” Pepper hollered.

After a moment or two, her assistant popped her head inside the office door. “You do have an intercom, you know.”

Pepper stuck her tongue out at the girl. “Can you call my cell phone? I think it’s not working.”

Sighing, Lisa strode to her boss’s desk. “Uh, couldn’t you have done that yourself?” She lifted the receiver of the phone on Pepper’s desk and dialed the cell number by heart. When it rang, she gave her boss a rather superior look. “It’s fine. What are you waiting for, anyway?”

“Nothing, never mind. What time is Vivienne supposed to be here?”

“Two o’clock.”

“All right. Do me a favor and get me that attendance list for the family picnic next month.”

Lisa shook her head and sighed. “Okay, but you’ve been over it four thousand times. It’s not going to change.”

“Just bring it, smarty pants.” Pepper chuckled. “Gotta keep busy,” she muttered to herself. She rearranged a stack of papers and sifted through a pile of messages. After Lisa dropped the folder on her desk and disappeared, Pepper opened it to scan the names but she couldn’t concentrate. Instead, she stared at her phone, willing it to ring.
Ring, you bastard. RING
! She just about wet herself when the damn thing did.

Dropping the paper in her hand like it was on fire, she scrambled to answer the phone.

“Yes!” she yelled.

“What’s all the shouting?”

An amused Gabe came across the line and she relaxed instantly. “Well? Are the results in?”

“Yes, love. Dr. Harper just called me. She asked me to come in for another appointment to discuss them.”

Pepper’s hands immediately began to tremble and she almost dropped the phone. “Oh my God,” she whispered. “What does that mean? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, darling.” Gabe’s voice was confident and smooth. “At least, I think it’s nothing. The doctor didn’t sound concerned. She said she wanted to be able to explain the jaundice. Please, don’t worry about it.”

Pepper couldn’t help but worry.
Why couldn’t she just tell him over the phone
? “When? What time?”

“She said she had an opening at 4:45 today. Can you get away?”

“Yes.” Pepper glanced at her watch. “I’ll meet you there.”

Pepper turned on the water to the shower and made the temperature as hot as she could stand it. As the icy drops turned to hot daggers, she heaved with sobs, praying that Gabe would not hear her.

Cancer
. The word reverberated through her head, bouncing around her brain like a superball flung by a child.
Cancer
.

Dr. Harper hadn’t bothered with the blood work, going straight for the results of the MRI. Pepper had stared at the blob, not hearing anything after the dreaded “c-word” was dropped like a bomb. Gabe had recovered quickly, asking lots of questions, none of which Pepper heard. The buzzing in her ears had gotten so loud, she’d had to fight the urge to press her palms against her head.

Gabe had rambled the whole drive home. White noise was all Pepper heard as words poured out of his mouth. It was like her brain had stopped functioning and her body was on autopilot, keeping her breathing and conscious, getting her inside the house and up the stairs to the bedroom.

The harder she cried, the less strength her legs seemed to have and she slumped down, kneeling on the floor of the shower, watching the water circle down the drain, just like all of the plans and dreams she had for her future with Gabe.

Pepper clung to Vivienne tightly while she trembled and cried. The strength of her best friend’s arms around her did nothing to warm the icy fear that had settled in her heart since Gabe’s diagnosis only a couple of hours earlier. When she got out of the shower, he was gone, leaving only a note on the bed saying he was going for a drive. Finding herself alone in the house threw Pepper into a panic and she rushed to the only other people who loved her like Gabe did.

“I’m so sorry, Pep,” Vivienne whispered.

Pepper wanted to talk, but after blurting, “Gabe has cancer” she hadn’t been able to manage a sound beyond that of her sobbing. She knew Viv was waiting for her to say something, anything, but she couldn’t find words. Never in her life had Pepper ever felt so lost. No matter what tragedy or drama came at her, she’d never backed down or shied away. But this was something she couldn’t seem to get a handle on.

“Vivvy, I… I can’t… I don’t…” Pepper gulped, unable to go on.

“It’s okay. Don’t talk. Not yet.”

Will stood in the doorway to the kitchen of their house, little Jane in his arms. The stark pity on his face only made her cry harder. She closed her eyes so she didn’t have to see him. Viv stroked her head and rocked her gently. Eventually, the well began to run dry. Pepper gritted her teeth and forced herself to take a deep, shuddery breath. Then another one. Soon, she had her breath back, even if the tears continued to leak from her eyes.
Get it together, Pepper
.

“What are we going to do?” she wheezed. “I don’t know what to do.”

Vivienne opened her mouth, but she didn’t seem to have anything more to say than Pepper did, so she just leaned over and pressed her lips to Pepper’s cheek. After a few seconds, she did speak. “I’m here for you. Whatever you do, whatever you need, I’m
here
.”

It was exactly what Pepper wanted to hear. She couldn’t have known that, but somehow the words lifted her up and she felt able to shake her shoulders and straighten her back. “Thanks, Viv.”

“Coffee?” Will asked, still just a few feet away with the babbling infant. “Alcohol?”

Pepper smiled sadly. “Coffee. Strong.”

“Where is Gabe now?” Vivienne asked.

“He went out for a drive. Or that’s what the note he left said. I tried calling and texting, but he’s not answering. I left him a note that I’d be here if he gets home before I do.”

Will handed Jane to her so he could get the coffee. Trying to ignore the mental devastation and sour ball of bile lodged in her throat, Pepper planted noisy kisses on the baby’s cheeks and then snuggled her close.
Kittens and babies, I don’t know what it is about ‘em
. “That’s my girl.” As she arranged Jane comfortably into the crook of her arm, Pepper finally raised her red, puffy eyes to Vivienne.

“Thanks. I’m so sorry I did that to you, but–”

“Don’t say another word about it.” Vivienne shook her head and waived her hands. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Well, it was kind of a shitty way to tell you. I guess I was in shock. Am in shock. The last thing in the world I expected to hear today was the word cancer.” Pepper’s bottom lip trembled every time she was forced to utter the evil term.

“Tell me everything the doctor said.”

Pepper drew in a deep breath. “That’s the thing. I can’t remember exactly. I just shut down when I heard that fucking word. I do know she said pancreatic.” Her bottom lip began to tremble again and she bit down on it hard. “I heard stage four.”

“Oh, no,” Vivienne gasped.

Pepper turned her eyes back to Jane, understanding for the first time that she had essentially abandoned Gabe since hearing the diagnosis. He was supposed to be the one in shock, breaking down, falling apart. Not her. He was the one that needed support and someone to be a clear head.
I’m such an asshole
.

Will brought in two steaming cups of coffee and set them on the table. He trotted away and returned with sugar, cream, and a third cup for himself. “You don’t mind if I stay, do ya?”

Pepper shook her head. “No, of course not. You both are the best friends we have.” She felt the familiar ache in her chest right before she would start crying again, and quickly shoved Jane at Vivienne. Once the baby was away and safe, Pepper broke down again and hung her head, clasping her hands against her forehead. Will kneeled down beside her and held on while she cried. Vivienne clutched Jane in one arm and squeezed Pepper’s shoulder with her free hand. Pepper swiped at the tears on her face, sniffing loudly.

“How long ago did Gabe leave? Do you know?” Will stood up and grabbed a clean burp cloth from a basket of laundry on the table, handing it to her.

Scrubbing at her face, Pepper inhaled deeply. It smelled fresh and sweet. “A couple of hours.”

Vivienne shot Will a worried glance. “Text him again.”

“Yeah,” Will agreed. “Just to keep him up to speed.”

Pepper nodded and pulled her phone out of her pocket.

At Viv’s. Home yet?

Then she tossed it onto the table where it clattered and bounced, face down.

“Look,” Will said. “I don’t know anything about cancer or what’s going to happen, but Gabe can fight this.”

“Yeah.” Pepper blew her nose loudly into the burp cloth. “Sorry.”

Viv chuckled. “Don’t worry about it. Jane does lots worse to those things. They wash.”

Pepper tried to laugh, but the feeling wasn’t there and she couldn’t force it.

“Will’s right. Gabe will fight. He’s strong.”

“He has to be. He’s with you, isn’t he?” Will teased. He put a cheesy grin on his face and elbowed her in the shoulder. “Am I right?”

Pepper only shrugged and managed a sad, defeated smile.

“If it makes you feel any better,” Will pulled his cell phone out of the front pocket of his jeans, “I’ll reach out to Gabe. Maybe I can go find him, meet him somewhere.”

Pepper nodded, unable to speak, not trusting herself to keep from crying. Self-loathing was not a feeling she was used to and it was making her feel like a criminal, guilty of murdering Gabe’s spirit.

“On it.”

Will pressed a quick kiss to Vivienne’s lips and another one on Pepper’s forehead, then headed out the door in search of Gabe.

Gabe looked at his buzzing phone again, expecting to see another message from Pepper. He was surprised to see one from Will instead.

Where r u?

He sighed, trying to decide if he would respond or not. He really didn’t want to speak to anyone yet. He was still trying to get his head wrapped around the fact that he had cancer.

Sitting in his car along Pacific Coast Highway staring at the ocean, Gabe felt tears come to his eyes and was glad he was alone. Ashamed of himself, he wept for a long time as anger, disbelief and guilt ravaged his heart and mind. The longer the tears fell, the angrier he got. Pounding on the steering wheel, he howled with fury. Why him? Why now?

He was finally at a place in his life where things were good. There was no struggle, there was no worry. He had a thriving business, more money than he knew what to do with, and a beautiful fiancée who loved him more than he probably deserved. What had he done to deserve such a hideous diagnosis?

Eventually, the crying abated and Gabe mopped his face on the sleeve of his shirt. His phone reminded him that both Will and Pepper were looking for him and probably quite worried. He snatched the phone off the passenger seat and scrolled through the messages. His heart wanted Pepper, but his brain said a friend might be a better person to talk to until he got a real handle on himself.

He pressed the call button and Will answered on the first half ring.

“Yo. Where are you?”

Gabe smiled at the casual tone of the voice on the other end of the line. “I’m nowhere. Sitting and staring at the ocean, actually.”

“Well, let’s get a beer.”

“I think that’s a good idea.” Just saying the words out loud gave Gabe a small sense of relief.

“You know where the Drench is on Pico?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, I’ll see you there in a half hour.”

“Right.”

Gabe ended the call, but did not start the car right away. He didn’t know how much good pouring out his frustrations to Will would do, but he couldn’t face Pepper just yet. He had promised her so much and now he didn’t think any of it would happen. Cancer. He had cancer.

* * * * *

Will parked his car, hopped out and hit the lock button on his key fob, feeling apprehensive. He twirled the keys around his fingers to keep his hands busy. He wanted a cigarette, but had given them up for good when Vivienne got pregnant.

Drench wasn’t the best bar in the world – it was a dive actually – but he didn’t think Gabe needed a classy, fancy joint at the moment. Plus, it was known for its wide variety of beers, having a little something for everyone. Will glanced around, but didn’t see him. He leaned against the side of his SUV and waited. Gabe’s Land Rover entered from the street about ten minutes later and parked near the back. Will waited for him to come to him, unsure of how the rest of the evening was going to go. He had no clue what he was going to say to the guy. They had gotten to be pretty good friends over the last couple of years, but still. The dude had just been diagnosed with cancer. What the hell did you say to someone when that happened? Will figured he would just listen and be as supportive as possible. He’d follow his gut and hope it was what Gabe needed.

“Hey.”

Gabe approached him looking exhausted and scared.

“Hey.”

Without another word, they went inside and grabbed a couple of empty stools at the far end of the battered bar. It wasn’t all that busy for a Thursday night and the bartender arrived almost immediately to take their order.

“‘Evenin’ gents. I’m Sorcha. What’ll you take?” She had a Scottish burr that was thick and friendly. Her hair was an orangey red and was piled high up on her head in a messy, mop of curls.

“Guinness,” from Gabe.

“Same.” Will nodded.

The bartender cocked her head to the side. “Where you from, handsome?” She winked and smiled at Gabe. He didn’t return the warmth.

“Durham.”

“Aye, welcome. It’s not often I hear an accent such as yours in here.”

Sorcha left them to get their drinks and then returned with a sassy smile as she set them on the bar. “Let me know when you need another.”

Will tipped his head to her and then focused on his beer. They sat silently sipping their drinks and he didn’t know how long it would be before Gabe finally opened up. Just when he thought he might try to get the ball rolling, he didn’t have to.

“What a pile of shit, yeah?”

Will nodded his head and then shook it. “You couldn’t have said it better, dude. I am so sorry.”

Gabe waved his hand and then ran it through his hair. “I am in shock. And I don’t know how to get my head around it.”

“Hell, you just found out a few hours ago. It’s probably gonna be days before you fully grasp it.” Will kept his eyes on his glass. He could tell Gabe was on edge by the way his hands trembled and his body twitched with anxiety. He didn’t want to make it any worse by staring at the guy.

“I suppose.”

“Look, you don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. Just drink. I’m here for you. Get shit-faced if you want and I’ll drive you home.”

Gabe snorted and took a small sip of his beer. “That’d be the easy way out.”

“Maybe,” Will shrugged, “but you do what you gotta do.”

The conversation veered away from cancer and diagnoses as Gabe questioned Will about the baby and Vivienne. He answered every one of them, watching as his friend’s body language reflected how much anxiety was present. Gabe’s hands never stopped moving. They circled his beer glass, twisting it around and around. His left leg bounced at a fast pace. He slouched down on his bar stool, but straightened himself up and around as though he were trying to work out a kink in his back every few minutes. Will didn’t care how long it took, he’d wait Gabe out, even if his inner thoughts and feelings didn’t come out that particular night.

When the conversation finally died, Will figured it was time to say something. “Dude,” he began, “I can’t even tell you what to do or feel. I don’t even know what
I’d
do. But I think maybe if you go into fight mode right off the bat, it could help. Don’t even give yourself a chance to be scared or sad. Just get pissed off and stay that way. Full on warrior mode.”

Gabe didn’t respond or look at him. Will was beginning to think he’d fucked up big time until Gabe began to nod. Then he gave just the smallest laugh.

“Full on? Not just half assed?”

Will laughed and slapped him on the back. “Yeah. Go big or go home.”