The Years After (16 page)

They went with Kylie and Ally to off campus parties on the weekends. Naturally, Derek was always the sober one who kept all three of them under his watchful eye. She was shocked when her cousins started to look forward to his inclusion and even began to rely on her boyfriend. They were an odd foursome, and during the next few months, they became well known to half the freshman class. No one ever messed with any of them. The parties became a lot more fun for Olivia. She could drink, relax, act foolish and have
fun
simply because she never had to worry about her physical safety. Derek always took care of her. He dragged her and Kylie home on more than one occasion. He was always their designated driver. That won him huge points with her cousins, who for once, thought
she
was cool because of her cool boyfriend.

They hung out as much with her cousins as they did alone, and for that, her cousins began to adore Derek. They liked how he didn’t grope Olivia so they could comfortably be in the same room. If the cousins were both present, Derek rarely did more than hold Olivia’s hand or wrap an arm around her. It was something he also did in his friendly gestures toward both Ally and Kylie. He often argued with Ally because she always thought she was right, and he liked to get her true opinion by arguing. He let Kylie be weird and quiet and even treated her on the fragile side, which made Olivia’s heart melt each time. He kindly spoke to Kylie, or helped her home, or nudged her to get out of bed because it was three in the afternoon.

He had as flexible a schedule as Olivia did. When he had to work in the evenings, he didn’t make the drive to campus. He didn’t always stay the weekend nights either. He’d sometimes leave at midnight. She was always surprised when he did. Since he was there so late, why not just stay? But she tried not to be clingy or needy. She offered to come his way, but he insisted adamantly she could not come there after dark alone. Which was ridiculous. She wasn’t a child. When he wasn’t around, she often ran errands, or drove friends around campus after dark. She was one of a few students in the dorms who had a car, so she got a lot of requests to drive people places. It did wonders for her social life and she met lots of other girls.

She felt a little odd for once in her life to be slightly popular and known and sought after. She and her cousins were well liked and pursued. They were frequently included with the freshman class students and Olivia credited Derek for her new status. He gave her the confidence to come out of her shell around the other kids. He imbued her with a new sense of poise and self-assurance she’d never had, not even with kids her own age.

Because of his strange, nearly obsessive, refusal to go to his apartment, they didn’t get all that much time alone. There were times, however, when they got a few hours alone in her dorm, and they could finally make out. Sometimes, for hours they just kissed and touched; but it didn’t progress beyond what they did at his apartment. Derek never really pushed, or asked her to go any further. They just kissed and he held her. He slept often in her small bed, spooning, and nearly unable to even turn over. But those were her favorite nights. Kylie never minded him staying there either.

That was probably because he always asked her what the hell she was doing out until four am. Or scolded her for screwing another loser who wasn’t good enough for her. He was grumpy and rude in his chastisement, but it was also a brotherly, caring way and it somehow worked for Kylie. She often flipped him the finger or told him to screw off, but she always smiled at his unflagging concern for her.

Olivia eventually figured out how to get her homework done somewhere along the way, and after the first few weeks, during which she floundered, she got a grip and her usual A average going again. It was easier to breathe, as well as defend her boyfriend to her parents, as long as she wasn’t slacking and letting the rest of her life fall apart. She still practiced her flute, and played with Larissa and Maggie. The only thing that changed was now Derek came with her, strangely enough, and attended anything in which she played. Looking at him, she would never have guessed he would have tolerated the classical music and unusual and unpopular folk tunes he had to listen to. But he always came and supported her and never once asked why she wasn’t
cooler
. He was not like the guys in high school. In college, she enjoyed being accepted for the woman she actually was, and not a toned-down version.

She went home in October and spent ten minutes trying to kiss Derek goodbye in the dorm parking lot. He’d driven there just to say goodbye to her. By the time she finally pulled out, she was blushing and turned on. She felt almost giddy from Derek’s usual litany of cautions; i.e., drive defensively, be careful, and be sure to call when she arrived. He was always worried about her. It was very sweet although a little nutty. He didn’t seem like the type who would worry so much. But when it came to Olivia and her cousins, he did. He often reiterated his familiar spiels about always being alert and never being alone. Once, he actually tore into Ally when he found out she walked home in the middle of the night. She was at a friend’s house, and walked home alone to her off-campus apartment. He railed at her relentlessly until he took a walk just to calm down. Ally, who was usually brazen and rude, apologized sincerely and promised him she’d be more careful in the future.

His favorite warning was: they didn’t know what in the hell might be lurking outside in the pitch of night. They were all too naive and sweet and sheltered. None of them had a clue about what he was referring to. He was nearly insulting in his constant worry and fatherly bitch-outs, especially when he disapproved of how they behaved or carried themselves. But he seemed so genuine that none of them ever argued with him.

He was mostly protective of Olivia. She sometimes felt claustrophobic at being warned, yet again, how careful she needed to be. He insinuated that the hour-long drive to Calliston on the freeway was something she couldn’t handle. She’d driven it at least once a month for the last year when she spent entire weekends with Kylie and Ally, who were then roommates.

He may be totally out of control with his worry, but there were times when she noticed a strange fear in his eyes. His protective instinct seemed out of proportion with the carefree college life they were trying to lead. But then again, her father hadn’t been murdered by a violent juvenile delinquent, had he? She’d known tragedy in her life, but never violence. She saw the distrust and fear in his expressions sometimes, and wondered how profoundly the violence of his childhood affected him.

But he rarely said much about his past. Or, for that matter, his life away from her. If she hadn’t been so convinced of his feelings about her, she might have been clingy and insecure. But Derek was so into her that she sometimes wanted to tell him she wasn’t nearly as perfect as he portrayed her to be. In fact, her virginity was something she might have been ready to start letting go of, although it seemed expected of her. His pure, sweet, little Olivia. She could wear that halo for now, but there were signals it could not last. A pedestal was fun to perch on, but not anything real or enduring.

She convinced him every so often that they should go to his apartment together if only to be
alone.
He didn’t seem to get her motives, or what she was trying to do when she suggested they go there.
Be alone
, so they could finally do more.

He got kind of weird when they were at his house, to be honest. He seemed much more at ease when they were at her dorm, and in her world, even with the constant intrusions of her cousins and the other girls from the dorm. He walked straight into her room as if it were his God-given right. At his place, however, he seemed twitchy and unable to relax with her. He became more guarded and formal, which he never was at her dorm. He smiled more often there and lounged around, appearing downright lazy at times, but always affectionate.

His apartment brought out a different Derek: quieter, more subdued, and extremely paranoid. The very next time she went there, he had sheets and a blanket on his mattress. He shrugged and ducked his head at her pleased response as well as mild surprise. He’d obviously done it for her.

It was many weeks into dating when after spending the afternoon at her college’s football game and hanging out with a group from the dorm afterwards, they left the rest of their group to come to his apartment; and now, finally, she was alone with him.

Once inside, he took her hand and sat near her. Where had his confidence gone? Why didn’t he ever try anything with her? She didn’t really know.

She leaned towards him and their lips met. His hands combed through her hair as he held her head just below her ears, and cradled it. He was so gentle and soft, when their lips separated, she kept her eyes shut and sighed with heartfelt, simple happiness. She grabbed the hem of her shirt and pulled it up and off her. Having worn no bra today, she threw her camisole off with her shirt. As always, his gaze darkened as it narrowed onto her small breasts. They could have been a source of embarrassment to her, but judging by the way he always seemed so entranced, that was not an option. His reaction to her naked chest made that impossible to feel. His hands drifted to her shoulders and his mouth trailed kisses down to her breasts. She clutched his head to her chest and ran her fingers around his head. He wore a beanie and she took it off before running her hands into his hair. The pleasure she received was evidenced by the small moans that escaped her lips. He stopped only to lift his head up and look into her eyes. He kissed her lips and was very intense about it. He rarely smiled. Or said pretty words to her. He just looked at her as if he could have
devoured
her. It was heady stuff for a girl known to most as a tomboy for much of her life. Derek never seemed to care what she wore, and always touched and caressed her as if she were wearing the most beautiful gown imaginable.

She felt warm and wet as he kissed her and his hands drifted over her nipples, driving her crazy. She tugged at his shirt and helped him slip out of it. His jeans rode low on his lean hips and her hands dropped to his waist. He inhaled his breath sharply and his nostrils flared as her hands started working on his belt. He didn’t stop her, nor try to help her. He seemed poised while holding his breath, but afraid to move.

She shifted and stood up so she could wriggle out of her own jeans. His gaze was riveted on her underwear. He wanted to memorize every line of her body, starting from her narrow shoulders, to her barely-there breasts, to her concave stomach, to her narrow hips that poked out and her legs that were stick-like. He grabbed her by her waist and his fingers dug deeply into her skin. He instantly released his grip, as if he only then realized how hard he was pressing on her. His breathing increased as he slid his hands lower and caught the sides of her panties. He pulled them down so she could step out of them. She leaned over and ditched her socks too. His hands ran back up her legs, but his gaze didn’t leave her middle. She saw his throat visibly gulp and the sense of power and sureness that filled her then managed to convince her that what she was prepared to do was right. This was the right time and she wanted to do it. Whatever, and however far “it” turned out to be made no difference anymore.

His hands grazed over her hips and the front of her. His fingers gently threaded through the soft curls of pubic hair and warm, wet folds of skin. His breathing escalated as he grabbed her waist again and pulled her so she straddled him. He even moaned as she made contact with him. Leaning back, with his hands pushed into her hair, he let her kiss him while his tongue explored her entire mouth. He finally flipped their bodies over and his was on top of hers. First his gaze traveled down her body, followed by his warm lips. He rubbed her nipples and his mouth hesitated at her belly button. She became more aroused and wet while everything south of her belly button seemed to expand.

He paused and rested his face on her stomach and just lay there. She didn’t know how to voice what she wanted him to do, which was to touch her, and kiss her, and maybe even have sex with her. But she had no clue how to
tell
him that. Finally, she wiggled her hips and butt and kind of opened her legs, hoping he’d get the hint. He lifted his face up so suddenly, he could have pinned her to the mattress with the astonished look on her face. She withdrew, but their gazes stayed fixed on each other.

“Be clear, Olivia. Are you sure?”

“I’m very sure,” she said, her tone half its usual volume.

“What do you want me to do?”

Oh, dear God!
What did he want her to do? Did she have to spell it out? Or give him a guided tour? What the hell did she know?

“Whatever you usually do with a naked girl in bed.”

His eyes shut and he grimaced as if her words caused him physical pain. “No, you don’t. What I usually do isn’t—”

“Isn’t what? How you want to treat me? I have the same parts they have. I want to feel good too. I mean, I think I do. So why can’t you?”

He stared down at her and she kept her legs half open. She had to grit her teeth to avoid flinching or shying away. She had nothing to be embarrassed about. She was finally getting comfortable with Derek and anxious to explore her sexuality. She deserved to enjoy it as much as he did, didn’t she?

“It isn’t usually because of any real feelings,” he finally whispered. He was staring now not at her, but kind of past her. Her heart fractured before it lifted and shifted inside her.

She sat up and pulled him toward her as she started kissing him more fervently. He froze as if in shock, but then his mouth engaged hers, and just as swiftly and hot. She pulled back and whispered, “Do you think we’re in love with each other?”

He shuddered and seemed initially repulsed by the idea. But she wasn’t sure that’s what he meant. He always seemed so affected by her words. No, terrified. “I think…” He acted like he had to breathe crazily and deep. “I think,” he ran his hands into his hair and held them behind his neck. “Fuck, I don’t know what love feels like. I just know this: no word in the dictionary could describe the feelings I have for you.”