Then Summer Came (24 page)

"You're so stubborn," he said, hopping from his seat and walking over to my car.  "Even when you don't realize it." 

"What do you mean?  I thought you were leaving?" I asked as he came to a stop in front of me. 

"I am." He nodded his head toward the waiting cab, its bright-red tail lights glowing in the dark.  "I realized I needed to ask you something, so I waited for you." 

I gazed at him, trying not to enjoy his company too much because he was about to leave.  I loved the way he looked in the shadows, the way the dark made him more gorgeous, somehow. 

The cool night’s wind whipped through my hair and across my face. 

“You said you wanted me to know that you would never cheat on me…if it were me you were engaged to, that is.”  He spoke loudly over the wind.  “You came here to tell me that, but did you say what you meant to say, did you?”

I could feel the vacancy in my stare, but I couldn’t help it; all I could do was look at him.  He just stared back, still waiting for me to say something.  I’d gone mute.  I wanted to say something, but it was impossible.  Nothing in me would allow me to speak. 

Tears began to stream from my eyes, and he stepped into me and wiped them away.  “I never wanted to make you cry, Lissa.  I just wanted you to tell me
everything
.  I wanted you to say it
all
.”  He paused again, like he was waiting for me to say something.  “You know, you said you love me last night, while you were sleeping?" 

I felt my mouth drop open, and I tried to conceal the dumbfounded look that I knew must've been plastered across my face. 

“That’s why I wasn’t there when you woke up.  I just needed to think about it, so I went to talk to Mik.  I thought maybe you were just dreaming about Derek.”

I couldn’t breathe.  My lungs were on fire, but I couldn’t breathe. 

"So, I ask you again:  is there anything else you wanted to say to me?" 

I stared at him blankly.  I was confused, and I was trying to put together what exactly he was asking. 

“I know you have a hard time being open with me, and I swear I have no idea why that is…” 

Because you make me nervous
, I thought. 
You scare the shit out of me
!

"Lissa, let me help you," he said, grasping my shoulders and locking our gazes.  “What Erin did to me…it was fucked up.  But…I was over it in a few weeks.  I realized that, in the end, it didn’t matter; Erin was just one girl.  It was just a mistake, but I knew I would learn from it, so it wasn’t so bad.  I just wouldn’t let it happen again.”

I’d stared at him so long my eyes were numb. 

“I don’t know what it is, Lissa. In all honesty, you’re just an ordinary girl.  But…I like ordinary.  I like being around you.  I like being with you.  In fact, there are few things I like as much as I like being with you.”

I begged my heart to beat…it was as if it’d stopped.

“All I wanted was for you to tell me that I was wrong, that you wanted
me
and it had nothing to do with Derek, but you agreed that you were just using me, and that…
killed me
.  Derek is my brother, and I never wanted to do this to him, but I couldn’t stop myself.  I looked for every reason I could to be with you, to see you.  It killed me to watch Derek ignore you, to watch him shut you out and to see how it wrecked you.  But…Derek was a fool.

“I’m sorry for freaking out when you decided that you wanted to end us, but…I just…I couldn’t let you go.  That was, until I saw it in your eyes:  You were
hurt
because Derek was hurt.  You were hurt that we’d done what we’d done to him.  You were even hurt that, despite those things, you still wanted to stay there with me; I could see it in your eyes. 
I
was hurting you…”

He chewed on his bottom lip for a second and then said, “You said you wanted to end things between us before they went somewhere we hadn’t intended, before they went somewhere we couldn’t come back from.  But, Lissa, the truth is, we’d taken things much farther than you cared to admit.  Shit was already deep when you decided we should stop. 

“Lissa, after Erin, I promised myself that I would never be fooled into loving anyone again, and if someone loved me, they’d have to do it from a distance.  That was, until…
you
.  Lissa, I’d let you fool me to an early grave.  I’d let you wreck, ruin, and destroy me.  I’d let you lie to me.  I’d let you do whatever you wanted with me, even if it killed me, but I would never love you any less than I do right now.”

My jaw was so tight it hurt.

“I believed you, I believed you when you said you’d never hurt me or cheat on me.  And I don’t care what you did to Derek.  It doesn’t change a thing
because
I believed you when you said you’d never cheat on me
.” 

My whole body went hot.  The breeze blew across us, calmer this time, and he closed his eyes and breathed in the cool air.  "Look at me,” he whispered, and his hands caressed my face.  “
I love you…
Lissa, I swear I do.  I knew the first time you were willing to watch The Evil Dead with me—even though you think it’s horrible—the first time you made me a sandwich.  No one has ever made me a fuckin' sandwich!  I know it sounds stupid, but
you are the only person to have ever made me a sandwich
.  You knew James Morrison…hell you
loved
and
sang
James Morrison! 

“Lissa, I love you, and I don’t know what I meant when I said it to Erin, but when I say it to you, I know what I mean.  I mean that I don’t ever want to live without you.  I mean that I don’t want anyone else.  I mean that if you walked away from me right now, I would miss you every day for the rest of my life.  It hasn’t felt right with anyone sine the first time you kissed me.  It’s only you, and it will always only be you.  I will always only want you!

“I love
you
, Lissa.  I will always love you, and I would never hurt you.  So, if you were dreaming of Derek last night, just tell me." 

He had begun to breathe heavily, his chest heaving, and I noticed my own breathing had quickened.  He would never hurt me, he said…
he'd never hurt me
.  He loved me and would never hurt me. I repeated his words to myself, and I knew they were true.  I would never hurt him either…that's what I'd gone there to tell him, right?  That's what the best friend I could ever ask for had made realize; that I would never hurt him, right?  That'd been her point,
right
?  But Emily Marks was sneaky, and she'd always known me better than even I knew me. 

I thought of the question she'd asked me:  "Would you ever cheat on Beck?" and I thought of my response:  "No, never," and I thought of what Beck had just said to me:  "I love you, and I would never hurt you."  I knew then that she'd made me realize much more than just that I wouldn’t cheat on him or hurt him.  I'd gone there to say much more than that.  There was a reason I’d never hurt him.  There was something strong behind those feelings. 

“Lissa, I’m not broken…” he said, still holding my face in his hands. 
He’s not broken
, I thought.  He’s not…broken…

Joy’s words fluttered in my mind.  “Lissa, my son isn’t broken.  He’s just a little lost.” 

“I’m not broken,” Beck had said.  He
wasn’t
broken…just…a little lost. 
He was just a little lost
.  And…so was I.  Joy wasn’t talking about Derek, she was talking about Beck.  She’d been telling me all along that it was still my choice, that it was still my decision.  I didn’t have to marry Derek if I loved someone else.  It was up to me.

Suddenly, I knew exactly what I’d gone there for.  I'd gone there to tell Beck that I loved him, too.  Even if I hadn't realized it before, I'd loved him for weeks, and that's what I'd gone to tell him.  Maybe not at first, but that's what I was there to tell him now. 

Derek saw it, Emily saw it, Beck saw it, and even Joy saw it, when I didn’t.  I was in love with Beck. 

I looked at his eyes, full of the love he'd just confessed, and I kissed him.  It was all I knew to do, but it felt right.  I kissed him with the love that felt new to me, but had been there for quite some time, and he kissed me back, like he knew exactly what I was saying to him. He held me tight, and I held onto him as tightly as I could. 

Our kiss calmed and his fingers traced my lips and my jaw.  He just kept his face pressed close to mine, holding me, feeling me,
loving me
. 

The words were right there.  The words I should’ve said weeks ago.  I clutched him to me, and I whispered against his mouth, "I love you, Beck." 

Our eyes still closed and our faces still pressed together, he whispered back, "I know," and I felt him smile against my cheek. 

I never thought I'd enjoy hearing that response to those words, but it was perfect.  Beck was perfect. 
We
were perfect. 

He kissed me again, softer than he’d ever kissed me before, and I knew it was because he knew I was his, now.  He didn’t have to fight for me.  He didn’t have to try to keep me anymore.  I wasn’t going anywhere.  I was his, and nothing would ever change that. 

I knew without a doubt, in that moment with his lips on mine, his arms around me, that I would never feel that way about anyone else.  I didn't want to, and I couldn't.  I had loved Derek, and maybe even still did, but it had never been in the same way that I loved Beck.  The love I felt for Beck was…
different
, to say the least.  It was the rawest form of love.  It was more than I had ever loved before and more than I ever could. 

It had been freezing winter with Derek.  The worst kind of winter.  It was arctic.  He was absent and in his place was a stark, silent, coldness, a chill that had frozen my heart…but…
then summer came.