There's a (Slight) Chance I Might Be Going to Hell - v4 (37 page)

“You know,” Maye said, laughing and shaking her head, “no one had a chance against a transvestite in sequins, his mom, balls of fire, and flying kittens. I don’t even know why I bothered to go on. But, Mickey did get first runner-up, not that I’m hoping for a horrible kitten-juggling accident or anything.”

“And where is the Sewer Pipe Queen first runner-up?” the woman asked. “I can’t believe you’d leave His Royal Highness at home!”

“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding.” Maye laughed again. “We have a new addition to the family, you know. He’s very busy playing with his new brother, Puppy. The two of them have a grand time together. In fact, they had a doggie slumber party last night out at Ruby’s farm with all the other dogs. Her nephew, John—he was the one who arrested Rowena—decided to retire from the force early and try to get the farm back up and running, although if you ever need a plumber, he’s the best one in town. And he knows the cleanliness of every restaurant kitchen in Spaulding. This place got an A plus from him.”

“I will keep that in mind,” the young woman said, smiling. “By the way, I’m Erika.”

“It’s really nice to finally meet you, Erika.” Maye smiled back. “You know, I have a booth over here by the window. Would you care to join me?”

“Thank you, but I can’t.” Erika shook her head. “I have a meeting at the museum in fifteen minutes. I just needed to stop in for some joe and a muffin.”

“Yeah, I need to get to work, too,” Maye realized, looking at the clock on the wall above the chalkboard menu. “I think it would look better if the city-beat reporter was on time for her second day at the newspaper.”

“Would you like to have lunch sometime?” Erika asked, fishing a business card out of her purse and handing it to Maye.

Maye smiled. “You know,” she said. “I really would.”

A mighty big thanks to: Bruce Tracy, who insanely insisted that I could do this; Jenny Bent, who forced me to; David Dunton, who kept reading it as I kept writing it; C. E. Upton, who listened every night to what happened in Spaulding that day, no matter how weird it got; Grace Dunstan (Idiot Girl of the Year, 2006), who so graciously gave me the title; and, ultimately, Patty Keene, who drove me to the purple and green house where I found the story of Maye and Ruby.

I’d also like to thank every one of the IGs on our little board that I have come to know, admire, respect, and sometimes get a little drunk with. I love our vacations! All of you have come together to form our circle that is wide, diverse, wonderful, and hysterical at the same time and very dear to me. Thank you as well to my family, Kartz Ucci, Beth Pearson, Adam Korn, Brian McLendon, Jamie Schroeder, Jeff Abbott, Amelia Zalcman, Kate Blum, Meg Halverson, Bill Hummel, Heather Megyesi, Nancy Ragghianti, Heather English, Allison Johnson, Scott Long, and the people of Eugene, who came through every damn time when I was stumped and needed a chunk of inspiration.

Muchos gracias, mi amigos.

(P.S. Will somebody PLEASE send me a green mixed burro from Ritos?)

LAURIE

LAURIE NOTARO is the author of five collections of humorous essays. She recently moved to Eugene, Oregon, a town that bears no resemblance whatsoever to the fictional town of Spaulding, Washington. Her new neighbors are not in this book. Incredibly, she has one friend.

Visit Laurie’s website at www.idiotgirls.com

An Idiot Girl’s Christmas

The Idiot Girls’ Action-Adventure Club

Autobiography of a Fat Bride

I Love Everybody (and Other Atrocious Lies)

We Thought You Would Be Prettier