Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls (30 page)

Guys, I rarely get angry about this sort of criticism; I'm the proud recipient of copious amounts of hate mail, often with the subject line: “You're fat and ugly and an embarrassment to society.” This ignorant opinion rolls off my back easily nowadays, but for some reason, this particular experience made me mad.

It could have been because I was already in the midst of a bad body day when it happened. Or maybe it's because after my boyfriend retorted, Stupidly Drunk Dude followed us down the avenue shouting a slew of horrid homophobic remarks at him. Or maybe my anger ignited because my boyfriend was rudely pulled into the ugly world of fat discrimination that I live in daily, but in which I protectively feel he doesn't belong. It could have been the fact that the comment came from a man and was said to my man, and this somehow made it hurt more. Or maybe it's just because it brought up a lot of shame in regard to a subject I feel passionately about: how unaccepting our world is of the pairing of traditionally attractive bodies with nontraditional ones.

Many (shall I say evolved?) people had previously adored our pairing (strangers gave us flowers and wine just because!), so even though it wasn't the first time we had experienced the opposite type of reaction, that night of street harassment was still really shitty. My gut reaction
was overwhelming insta-shame—I found myself so self-conscious and irrationally afraid that my boy would all of a sudden realize that I was FAT, now that it was pointed out to him, and become ashamed of his choices. But real talk: He's already aware of this fact. Duh, right? He's seen it and he loves it. Not because I'm a novelty. Not because I'm a fetish. But because he simply finds me attractive as I am; it's that simple.

So make no mistake: I have a
fat body
that is often worshipped, but I am not necessarily worshipped for my
body fat
. For people to find my body attractive is not unusual, strange, or bothersome. And it is most certainly not a sign of mental instability. Finding me gorgeous doesn't automatically mean people have a fat fetish or an issue with their sexuality. It can mean that I'm simply sexy and people recognize that. I am so much more than an object for specific obsession.

So goddamnit, world, let the “odd” pairings be. Just because you may not prefer larger women doesn't mean there is something wrong with those who do, and the people who do like larger women deserve the opportunity to express this and act on it without the public shame they often receive. The reality is, a person's opinion and worth is not to be questioned or determined by the size of his partner's waist. So get the fuck over it.

Cleared that up? Good.

So, back to the really important real talk: All bodies can find partner love. And honestly, guys, they already do. While many people post comments that they're afraid they'll never find someone, twice as many comment about how sexy their husbands/wives/lovers think they are and how ecstatic they are to have unconditional love.

Now don't misunderstand. You
don't
have to have a partner to be happy. You don't have to have a lover to be lovable. You don't have to be paired up with someone else to be complete. Life is joyous and exciting and beautiful on our own as well. HOWEVER, if that is what you want . . . it can be yours regardless of your body type, and there is proof all around you if you look for it.

You CAN have it all.

Just the way you are right now. If you feel like there isn't hope, and you may never find the person you dream of . . . believe me (and believe the statistics) when I say that there is, and you can.

Self-Love

This is the shortest section about love, but not because it's unimportant. Oh, no. Just the opposite. It isn't ten pages long because at this point you don't need to read about self-love. You gotta get out there and practice some self-love.

No amount of education or research will do this for you. Sure, knowing critical things like how to stand up to companies, how to take care of our brains, how diversifying your media feed creates normalcy, how to take selfies so you can create your own narrative, and why we've learned to hate our bodies are all important. But once you know those things, you have to
go out there
and write a letter to that company, take care of your brain, follow those Tumblr sites, post your selfies, start loving your body, because history isn't reason enough not to, and you have to start all of that . . . now.

This whole BOOK is about self-love: loving your body and brain, and unapologetically loving your life. You just have to get out there and do it for yourself.

Easier said than done, huh? Yeah. I know.

Sometimes it's hard to find the internal push to rid ourselves of harmful thoughts, whatever they may be, so that we can continue with healthy actions. To help reverse negative patterns of behavior, there is a special kind of therapy called dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT). Created by Marsha M. Linehan, PhD, DBT is often taught in group settings, but it's also available in book form.

DBT suggests that you can work backward, using healthy actions to eliminate harmful thoughts. And because the brain and body are connected . . . it works. Kind of like a legitimate “fake it till you make it” concept, except way more useful.

One of the many tools Dr. Linehan created as part of DBT is called
opposite action
, which I have found to be useful in almost every facet of my life. The basic concept goes like this: If you are grappling with a negative emotion, one that you simply can't change no matter how hard you mentally arm-wrestle yourself . . . change your actions instead.
³

Opposite action involves doing the opposite of your urges in the moment you are feeling that emotion. Linehan writes: “The idea behind this technique is that it can help to deal with distressing emotions by setting into motion an action that is helpful, not harmful.”
⁴
This concept is critical for those who need a quick redirection of an emotion that is hurting them.

Opposite action doesn't work if you're trying to get rid of an emotion that is actually justified in the moment. Rather, it's a tool to bring you out of an
unwanted
emotion that is
unjustified
in the situation by replacing it with the emotion that is opposite—through action rather than trying to directly change what you're feeling. For example: If we are feeling shameful, our inclined action might be to stay indoors and sit with our shame alone (my therapist calls this “turtling”). If we know this isn't healthy for us, but we feel unable to change our feelings, then we can decide to change our actions. The opposite action being to leave our house (even for a moment) and perhaps interact with a friend. By doing so we won't escalate or heighten our feelings but rather help the feelings decrease by putting a countering action in their place.

Note, though: when we use opposite action our goal isn't to subdue our feelings, but instead to bring about a slow and steady change in those feelings by focusing on the actions themselves.

It seems simple and obvious, but you'd be surprised how often the opportunity arises for us to use opposite action, yet instead we stay stuck in the unwanted feeling. My point in going into all this is: If you're having a hard time with self-love and you just can't feel good no matter how hard you try . . . try changing the action you're naturally inclined to take. Outwardly love yourself so hard that you can't help but feel it on the inside. Treat your body well. Tell it that it's beautiful.
Wear what it loves to wear. Take it places it wants to go. Shower it with affection, smiles, kindness, and gratitude. Love yourself SO MUCH that you think, “Huh. I guess I must be lovable!”

That's how it starts. And then, with continued self-affection and rigorous positive self-talk . . . just watch. It will change everything.

You are worthy.

You are lovable.

You are perfect.

Your body is not a barrier to finding any kind of love, and you can
most definitely
have it all.

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guest essay

HOW TO HAVE HOT FAT SEX OR AS I LIKE TO CALL IT, “SEX”

CHRYSTAL BOUGON OF CURVY GIRL LINGERIE

I
know. Everyone wants the secrets, right? How to have sex while fat. If you're not fat, you may wonder, “Is having fat sex different?” If you are fat, you may wonder, “Is having thin sex different?”

My guess is NO. There's not a lot of difference. Sure, maybe some positions may need some tweaking, but my guess is that it's all pretty much the same.

I mean, I can only speak for myself. I have had a “fat” body (according to the BMI and pretty much all of America's and insurance companies' standards) since I was eleven. I have been a fat person since I was in the third grade. I lost my virginity when I was nineteen. I have been a size 18 or larger since 1987. So, I can only speak for my own experiences.

We're all experiencing the same self-confidence issues. We're all nervous about being in crazy positions in the middle of the day with the lights on. I promise you, many women who are size 0 to size 8 have just as many insecurities as the rest of us. Fat men and women do not have a corner on the low self-esteem market. Lack of sexual confidence and being über-self-conscious
IS the human condition
. And you might also be surprised to know that men are self-conscious about their bodies, too. Men get overlooked so often when it comes to this topic of body image. Seriously. Many men are insecure about their bodies, their penis size, their love handles. It is a HUMAN thing to worry about your body and how it looks to someone else that you care about.

Okay, so what can we do as fat, thick, curvy women? How can we make sure we are getting the most out of our sex lives? How can we make it better? How can we turn it up? How can we leave our self-doubt about our rolls, stretch marks, and fat bodies at the door of our boudoir and really have some fun?

For one thing, just speaking logically and in the interest of keeping it very, very real, if your lover has gone out on a date or two or three with you and still wanted to go to bed with you—shouldn't that be enough validation that they are into you? Again, speaking for myself, I am a size 22 top and a size 22/24 pants. No matter how much I try to “dress for my shape” and wear styles that are flattering on my body (according to the people who make those rules), there is no camouflaging or covering up the fact that my body still takes up the space of a person who wears a size 22/24. As I like to say at my boutique, no matter how much black you wear, we can still tell how fat you are.

I also like to remind others, if someone keeps showing up naked in your bed with you over and over and over . . . that person is into you! That person is into your body exactly as it looks right this very second. They do not care that your arm fat is swinging back and forth or that you have stretch marks on your inner thighs. This person has chosen to be naked with you. What more do you need to know?

I have been educating and entertaining women and couples about sex toys and sex since 2003. I have talked to thousands of people about their sex lives, and they have shared so many intimate details with me. I can tell you it is a HUGE honor and privilege that so many people have confided in me. And do you know the one most common question I get from all the men I have talked to? “How can I get my wife/girlfriend to let go and have more fun?” I have met women who have asked me the same question about their wives or girlfriends. There are so many couples who want the other person to open up and let go more, to not be afraid to ask for what they want or to ask for something new and fresh. Yet so many people can't.

And this isn't exclusive to straight relationships. It happens to everyone. We get shy. We get in our own heads. We are so sure our lover is going to reject us for something that we consider to be an imperfection or defect. We are sure they are going to judge us and reject us because of our fat ass or our jiggly tummy . . . so we play it safe. But if you want to have HOT SEX, it takes communication and the ability to open up through communication. We fat girls have very thick skin because of all of the hatred we have received over the years about our bodies. So we can get very closed off—we work hard at protecting our hearts and our egos.

The truth is, the other person in your bed is just so happy that you want to have SEX with them that they aren't focused on your imperfections. They are INTO you, and into the fact that you are into them sexually. Live out loud and let go of your insecurities, and that is when your sex life can become smoking hot. It's when you are ready to be NAKED in the emotional way as well as the physical way that it gets really good.

You can try to hit all the right angles so your lover doesn't see your gut. And you can try to wear just the right lingerie or panties that cover your lower tummy or your stretch marks. (I hear it constantly at our plus-size lingerie boutique. “Do you have panties or lingerie I can wear WHILE we have sex so my stretch marks and tummy are covered?” And if it makes you feel better to wear something that covers up what you consider to be your flaws, then, yes—go for it. But I seriously doubt that is going to make your lover any hotter for you. They are going to be hot for you because you are hot for them. End of story. (All of that hiding and finding the right angles is so exhausting. I know. Been there. Done that.)

I think the best way to have hot sex is to check all that baggage at the door of your boudoir, or wherever you are getting busy, and remember that person CHOSE to be there with you. They are likely in their own head about their own shit that they are self-conscious about. GO WITH IT. Let go. The best sex is when you can turn off all of those
old “tapes” in your head, the ones where you pick yourself apart. Those do not serve you in any way. Well, they
do not serve you in a healthy way
. Get rid of them. Erase them. Replace them with some good shit like “I LOVE MY FAT ASS” and “My body is hot.” Because if
you
think your body is hot and ready for some red hot lovin', so will your partner.

Now go have some hot sex please . . . fat sex. Skinny sex. Thick sex. Queer sex. Straight sex. Plush sex. All other kinds of sex. It's all just SEX: two (or more!) humans enjoying each other's beautiful bodies and giving each other as much pleasure as possible.